Week 778: Tied Games


Bowling & Jousting

Okay, this year's Summer Olympics do include 302 events in 28 categories of sports. But naturally, that's nowhere enough for a true sports fan. For example, totally unrepresented at this year's Games is the fine sport of chess boxing, in which the opponents do not wrap chessboards in pretty cartons, but indeed alternate up to 11 rounds of, well, yes and yes. Which got X-Treme Loser Kevin Dopart -- who just happened to be on vacation in Athens -- thinking of a contest idea: This week: Combine any two sports or nonathletic activities -- we'll interpret this category broadly in cases of wild funniness -- into a single sport or game, as in Kevin's example above.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets something that, for once, may have actual cash value: a pencil. A genuine Eberhard Faber Blackwing 602 pencil, courtesy of Joy H. Taylor of Cold Spring Harbor, N.Y., via Loser Russ Taylor of Vienna. This model of pencil, which pretty much looks like any other pencil to such ignoramae as the Empress (except for the rectangular eraser and ferrule holding it), was no longer made after 1998 and is a cult item among pencil collectors, such as those who belong to, but of course, the American Pencil Collectors Society. You can buy one unused Blackwing 602 right now on eBay for $39. This one is half-used, but entirely usable.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 18. Put "Week 778" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by John O'Byrne. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Elden Carnahan.

Report From Week 774, in which we asked you to come up with a restaurant dish named for someone or some entity.

This one from Christopher Lamora of Arlington didn't fit the contest, which specified a restaurant dish: "Barack Frozen Dinners: Purchase from supermarket because of its attractive package, without reading the fine print to find out what's really inside. Take home. Hope for the best."

4. Lick Jagger Ice Cream: It's only rocky road, but you'll like it. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

3. Ted Williams Pancakes: Made from a frozen batter. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

2. the winner of the action figure hanging from a parachute hanging from a kite:

Prius Chili: Hours later, you'll still have plenty of gas. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

And the Winner of the Inker

Moebius Strip Steak: Grilled on just one side but still cooked to a turn. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Gourmaybes: Honorable Mentions

The Freddie Mac: An oversize burger made with subprime beef. If you can't finish it, the government will eat it. (John Bunyan, Cincinnati)

Kimchi Jong Il: A shred of cabbage nuked in a thousand-dollar microwave. (Larry Flynn, Greenbelt)

Mobster Thermidor: Filet of horse head served on ice. Overnight room service available. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

The Streisandwich: Overpriced baloney, but crowds just eat it up. (Marcy Alvo, Annandale)

The Schwarzenegger: Extra-large serving of groper with an array of California fruits and nuts. (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville)

Sid Vichyssoise: Cold potato soup with tiny pieces of broken glass. Served with a sneer and a whack upside the head. (Jeff Brechlin)

The Stimulus Appetizer: Some crusts of bread, served in a portion just big enough to make you realize how hungry you are. (Jack Fiorini, Williamsburg, Va.)

Scarlett Johansson Dressing: The guys are always delighted to see this on the menu. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

The AARP Late-Night Snack: Served daily, 5 to 7 p.m. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Senator Byrd's West Virginia Pulled Pork: You won't find more pork -- or more pull -- anywhere! Guaranteed to leave your waistline in a mountainous state. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

Tom Petit Fours: Pale, crusty snacks that sound much better than they look. (Russell Beland)

Snyder Slumgullion: Assemble 45 ingredients rejected or discarded from other people's kitchens, and serve at astronomical prices. (William Bradford, Washington)

Lobster ThermiGore: Somewhat inconvenient to prepare, this dish is cooked by raising the temperature of the entire Earth. Follow with Baked Alaska. (Robert Doherty, Daleville, Va.)

Decider Burgers: Begin cooking burgers. After two minutes, declare that the burgers are done and a success, but continue cooking anyway, no matter what anyone else says. Then turn off the lights and leave the whole mess to the next chef. (Marc Boysworth, Burke)

The Mickey Mantle Home Run Special: Pickled liver. (Russell Beland)

Rep. William Jefferson Cold Slaw: Frozen lettuce; serves 5 to 10. (Kevin Dopart)

Nino Scalia's Traditional Sausage: Strictly constructed according to a 221-year-old recipe (unless substitutions are convenient). Usually serves five. (Larry Yungk)

Ryanair Burger: $2 if you can eat it Thursday morning at 6:45. If you want it Friday at 6:15 p.m. it's $10, unless you can save it and eat it Saturday night; then it's only $7. Bun is $1 extra. Ketchup and mustard are free, but extra pickles are $5. No, you can't have the whole can of soda. (Loren Bolstridge, Minneapolis)

And Last: Le Soufflé à l'Empresse: Prepare with the utmost care, using only the freshest ingredients. Follow the directions precisely. Then throw it in the garbage, because that's what she'd do with it anyway. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Next Week: Ad-dition, or Commercial Breaks