Homes‘pun’ humor: The la‘ugh’able ‘air quotes from Style Invitational Week 1134 And our new contest, Week 1137: Be a published author in 28 days! (By spicing up a book title.) SU“PERV”ISOR: This week’s winning “air quotes” entry, by Brendan Beary. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers August 20 (Click here to skip down <#report> to this week’s new contest, Week 1137) REPORT FROM WEEK 1134: In Week 1134 we gave another run to our popular “air quotes” contest, in which we wanted you to find a telling word inside another word or name. Sorry, many of you, but we already did *Donald T“rump” *in 2001. In fact, The Donald has been very good to The Style Invitational ever since Year 1 in 1993; a runner-up in Week 21 was “Donald Trump is so annoying that Amnesty International wants him beaten and locked up.” (Tom Gearty) See a collection of Trump Ink in this week’sStyle Conversational column. 4th place: *Se“dated”:* Out for a romantic evening. — W. Cosby (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3rd place: *The“irs”:* That which, after April 15, no longer belongs to us. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2nd place /and thehorse-head squirrel feeder: / Our man in Richmond: Campaign swag for Virginia state Senate candidate Carl Loser. (Rhymes with “poser.”) (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *Com“place”nt:* Second best is good enough for me. (Yuki Henninger, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: *Su“perv”isor:* The boss who believes too strongly in “hands-on management.” (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) So f‘un’ny: honorable mentions *Se“rape”: *See, I told you. — D. Trump, New York (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) *Ce“meter”y:* Tick. . . tick. . . tick. . . — G. Reaper (Brendan Beary) *“Can”dor:* “Well, yes, it does look big in that dress.” (Dion Black, Washington) *“Ass”uage: *“Oh, no, it doesn’t look big at all.” (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) *“Spa”ghetti: *A plate of bean sprouts. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Affordable Ca“re Act”:* Also known as “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” (Frank Mann, Washington) *iP“hon”e: *“Dear, we should talk. Can you look at me when we talk?” (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *Red“ski”ns:* Going downhill since the 1990s. (Ward Kay) *P“lung”ing neckline: *Deepest cleavage ever. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Sa“turd”ay Night Live:* What the show is now vs. whenever the complainer was in college. (Steve Honley, Washington) ** *“Tref”oil:* The least popular Girl Scout scout cookie in Brooklyn. (Jeff Covel, Arlington, Va.) *A“sham”ed: *“I regret that some people found my remarks offensive.” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *“Lame”ntations:* Crocodile tears. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *“Was”hingtonian: *D.C. resident who complains about how much better it used to be when she could shop at Garfinckel’s and Woodies. (Steve Honley) *“Ha”ir:* The thing on Trump’s head. (Melissa Balmain) *A“sparta”me: *Switching from regular to Diet Coke. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Calip“hate”:* No elaboration necessary. (Mike Gips) *Cav“eat” emptor:* Word to the wise at the $3.99 buffet. (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) *Chris “Christ”ie:* A candidate with just a bit of an ego. (Ed Scarbrough, Germantown, Md., a First Offender) *Co“it”us: *Birds do, bees do. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) ** *Infi“deli”ty:* A venue for sampling a wide variety of tasty dishes. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Com“miser”ation: *All you get from a wealthy friend when you’re badly in debt. (John Shea, Philadelphia) *So“cialis”m: *Whatever it is, it’s giving Bernie a big rise. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Cont“race”ption: *The rush to get the condom package open before the mood wilts. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Exe“cute”: *“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to watch cat videos until you kill yourself.” (Dion Black) *Exhi“bit”ionist:* A poorly endowed flasher. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *F“utility”: *After a summer storm, waiting for Pepco to get the power back on. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Gen“eros”ity: *What Your Mama showed to the football team. (Robert Schechter) *Gua“camo”le: *Fatigued avocado dip with dark-green and brown splotches. (Jeff Contompasis) *H“usb”and: *Computer geek who claims to have a wife. (Philip Justus, Potomac, Md.) *House of Rep“resent”atives: *A legislative body with a 16 percent approval rating. (Christopher Thorpe, San Francisco, a First Offender) *I“ow”a: *Spending $7 million on campaign ads and still coming in third. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *Journa“list”:* A writer whose entire body of work consists of that “Ten Things You Need To Know. . . ” clickbait. (Lawrende McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Large Had“ron Co”llider:* It slices! It dices! It smashes to bits! (Michael Rosen, New York) *Long I“slander”: *Those stereotypes? They’re all true. (Ken Stern, New York) *Mob enfor“cement”: *These guys really know how to take care of you. (Beverley Sharp) *Plastic s“urge on”: *“Have your husband’s eyes been wandering? This week only, 20 percent off facelifts.” (Arnold Berke, Washington, a First Offender) *Re“cog”nition:* The award the boss gives you to make you forget how unimportant your job is. (John O’Byrne, Dublin) ** *Se“cur”ity: *Junkyard dog. (Jeff Hazle) *Washing“ton” Post: *The Sunday paper before the Internet. (Michael Woodward, Yellowknife, Northwest Territories) And this week’s new contest: WEEK 1137: BE A PUBLISHED AUTHOR IN 28 DAYS! *TRY A THREE-WAY!* /Utilizing Polarized Plugs /(Bruce Alter) *PULLING STRINGS TO GET AHEAD:* /Collected Transcriptions for the Harp/ (Bruce Alter) *TRIGONOMETRY THE HARRY POTTER WAY *(Stephen Dudzik) ** As of this writing, the number of different paperback titles available on Amazon.com: 29,465,646. Hardcovers: 10,721,497. Kindle books: 2,509,059. And so it’s certainly no easier to get people to buy /your/ book, rather than the competing volume on how to re-porcelain your sink, than it was in 2001, when Style Invitational Losers Bruce Alter and Stephen Dudzik got ink in a contest for spicy titles for boring books. It wasn’t, however, an Invite contest; Bruce and Steve were moonlighting with the now-defunct Invite-like contest in the Canadian paper the Globe and Mail. I agree wholeheartedly with Steve’s suggestion that we rip it off. *This week: Give us a spicy title for a boring book, real or imagined. *You might explain the boringosity in a subtitle, as in the first two examples, or integrate it into the title, as in the third. *A short pitch for the book would not be out of line. * Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets one of our favorite prizes ever: genuine swag from the current Virginia state Senate campaign of Libertarian Carl R. Loser of the Richmond area: The *Loser for Liberty tote bag and deck of cards *were acquired for us by Richmond-based Loser (not related) Jeff Shirley. (By the way, Mr. Loser rhymes his name with “poser” — although, he says, “I do not correct people when they say ‘loser’ because I find that they remember the name better.”) *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either “The Wit Hit the Fan” or “Hardly Har-Har.” First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 31; results published Sept. 20 (online Sept. 17). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include “Week 1137” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week’s results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our “ga-” word limerick contest. See bit.ly/invite1136 . *