The Style Invitational Week 1016 Foaling around

By Pat Myers, Thursday, April 4, 3:59 PM


Python x Just Win Baby = Snaked Ambition


Fear the Kitten x Overanalyze = Felis Envy


While those pink-and-red equal-sign icons continue to pepper the pages of Facebook, what a fitting time to pony up our annual horse-“breeding” contest — in which virtually all 100 racehorses on our list are, as usual, male.


This contest, which has been one of the Invitational’s most heavily entered since it debuted in 1995 — some people enter this contest, and only this contest, every year, and the Empress routinely gets thousands of entries — works like this:


On this page is a list of 100 of the horses nominated for this year’s Triple Crown races (see the chart below to the left; click on it or click here for an enlarged and printable verson). “Breed” any two and give the “foal” a name humorously reflecting the names of the parents, as in the examples above. As in the real thoroughbred registry, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces. You may use numerals and/or punctuation, but they count as characters. The usual limit of 25 entries per week will be rigidly enforced. Take care to spell the parents’ names correctly, since the Empress will be searching for only those names during the judging. And do the E a favor and double-space your list of entries, if you’re sending a bunch. Don’t bother making a three-way combination, or using a name from the list as a foal.


Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the book “Political Babble: The 1,000 Dumbest Things Ever Said by Politicians.” (Examples: “When many people are out of work, unemployment results.” — Calvin Coolidge; “I would have made a good pope.” — Richard Nixon.) Donated by Loser Amanda Yanovitch.


Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to  or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 15 (since you won’t have anything else due around then); results published May 5 (online May 2 — just before the Kentucky Derby). Include “Week 1016” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline for the “next week’s results” line is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at

Still running — deadline Monday night — our contest for musical fictoids. See 


Report from Week 1012, in which we asked for limericks about topics in the news: A dismaying number of the close to 1,000 entries lacked the “hickory-dickory-dock” rhythm essential to a limerick, but we knew there’d be plenty of gems.


The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial


6-year-old suspended for pointing his finger like a gun

Because hand-“guns” make principals fret,

Here’s a tip you must never forget:

Do not stick your first digit

Up your nose while you fidget

Or they’ll swear you’re a suicide threat.

(Kevin Dopart, Washington)


2.  Winner of the yellow-goo-popping squeeze ball:

Hugo Chavez dies

In Caracas, the tension’s at boil

As a dictator’s shuffled his coil,

And the foreign states vie

To install their own guy,

Because it’s a small world, after oil. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)


3. Pope Benedict dressed to the hilt —

Prada shoes, golden threads in his kilt —

But for Francis, no-flair

Vestments simple and spare:

Say! A Catholic without any gilt! (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)


4. Horsemeat labeled as beef in Europe

In a Paris cafe I’m alone,

Eating steak, when I call the garçon,

“Got a question here, chief.

Is this meat really beef?”

Non, monsieur, zat’s zee filly mignon.” (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)


Lamericks: honorable mentions


Little knives on a plane are now fine

Since the TSA says they’re benign,

But the agents on guard

Are now forced to work hard

 To keep people from cutting in line. (Kevin Dopart)


Republicans seek to broaden constituency

Since with women, the GOP’s found,

Their support’s on the shakiest ground,

They’ll shore up their image

before the next scrimmage,

To make certain it’s all ultra-sound. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)


Sen. Rand Paul’s filibuster

If you’d scuttle a measure on cloning,

Marriage rights, or assault-weapon owning,

Make them fall, one and all!

Take a tip from Rand Paul:

The deadliest weapon is droning. (David Smith, Stockton, Calif.)


Dennis Rodman visits Kim Jong-un

Dennis Rodman has made a new friend,

Though the guy may have gone ’round the bend.

While he’s not very tall,

Un loves basketball.

He could play horse or be its back end. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)


Weary was House Speaker Boehner

When he noted, “It couldn’t be ploehner

That we’d get much more done,

And might even have fun,

If my colleagues were just a bit soehner.” (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)


Lululemon’s too-sheer yoga pants

I was wary and, yes, a bit frightened,

But my interest in yoga’s now heightened:

I just stare, in a trance,

Since my classmates’ new pants

Became sheer, or as I say, “enlightened.”

(Seth Tucker, Washington)


Rep. Rob Portman supports gay marriage

 “Same-sex marriage?” cried Portman. “No way!”

Till he found out his own son was gay.

If he’ll only act on

Bills affecting his spawn,

Let’s sequester his kids for a day. (Denise Sudell, Cheverly, Md.)


Budget trouble I

Through the fiscal mess, congressmen showed

They deserve every cent they are owed.

They still merit their pay

For the diligent way

They keep kicking the can down the road. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)


Budget trouble II

 No tax rise, so voters won’t grudge it--

That’s how we’ll come up with our budget.

Closed loopholes we’ll use

To increase revenues.

And the rest of the deficit? Fudge it. (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.)


Budget trouble III

 “Though more Medicare cuts won’t appeal,”

Said the president, “let’s make a deal.”

In Washington jargon,

That’s called a “grand bargain,”

And it certainly sounds like a steal. (Frank Osen)


“News in Brief,” March 13 Post

In Rome, a new symbol of hope;

In Springfield, a serial grope;

In Arundel, that “stag”

With his catheter bag:

Just a pervert, a pope and a dope. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)


Benedict XVI resigns

“You should stay. With our help you can cope.”

But this man was not swayed, and said, “Nope.”

Have to give him his props

Getting out ’fore he drops,

For this pontiff’s too pooped, thus, to pope. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)


Administration justifies drone strikes

Though Obama can move you and thrill you,

You won’t grasp his full power till you

Have finally known

What it’s like when a drone

Swoops down from the heavens to kill you. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)


Chavez dies

“Lord, by gringos my nation’s been cursed.

I’ve been bullied, traduced and coerced.

In Hell’s fire they should fry!

Make them die! Make them die!”

Came a voice from on high: “Hugo first.” (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)


Chavez’s body cannot be preserved

El Comandante gets put in a grave,

Not displayed with a permanent wave.

You can’t be caught stallin’

Once a body has fallen;

Seems now Hugo’s too rotten to save. (Kevin Dopart)


Senate Republicans try to scuttle Hagel nomination

When senators (for reasons vague)’ll

All whine, filibuster, finagle

To try to deny

Their own party’s guy,

That’s a half-witted scheme to chuck Hagel. (Danielle Nowlin)


Woman charged with fatally shooting, stabbing, slashing boyfriend 

There was a young woman named Arias

whose sex life was somewhat nefarious.

But her man wasn’t nice,

So she bumped him off thrice.

Now her future is highly precarious. (Nanci Johnson, Manassas, Va., whose only previous ink was for Week 313, 1999)


Man charged with beating relative with burrito 

First you take a tortilla and slap in

Some cheese, then put other cheap crap in;

Throw this thing at a kid

(One guy recently did),

It’s assault with a half-deadly wrappin’. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)


N.Y. ban on large soft drinks overturned

Mayor Bloomberg’s a modern-day nanny;

His words to the press are so canny,

But I say to this scold:

“You can kiss and behold

Sixteen ounces tacked onto my fanny.” (Roy Ashley, Washington)


Armstrong finally admits to doping

Lance Armstrong? Oh, man, what a phony!

No doping? A bunch of baloney!

The whoppers he told

Were so brazen and bold,

I have doubts he’s got just one cojone.  (Chris Doyle)


Thousands of dead pigs found in Chinese river 

In Shanghai, a mysterious slaughter

Means that even a young son or daughter

Can obtain full nutrition

With great ease in the kitchen:

Pork soup flows from the tap just like water. (Seth Tucker)


Predicted D.C. snowstorm fizzles

“Snowquester” had so much appeal,

Our hopes for a big one surreal.

But “eight inches or more”

Soon became less than four;

Now I know how my dates always feel. (Brian Cohen, Lexington, Va.)


15,000 crocodiles escape from S. African farm

Said the girl, “I’ll swim out to those rocks!”

So she took off her shoes and her socks.

But the rocks-in-disguise

Had huge jaws and mean eyes;

(. . . On the plus side, she gets to wear Crocs.) (Beverley Sharp, vacationing in South Africa)


Carnival cruise ship breaks down, systems fail

The “fun ships” have lost their allure

When they have a disaster du jour.

See, we tend to feel frantic

(And not so romantic)

When up to our ears in manure. (Beverley Sharp


Shark migration shuts down Florida beaches 

When the sharks got me, I feared my murder, see?

Then their leader called out, “Guys, don’t hurt her! See,

This one here’s an attorney;

So just go on your journey:

We owe her professional courtesy.” (Nan Reiner, Esq.)


And Last: The Style Invitational’s 20th anniversary

I’ve spent hours on each witty crack,

Been rewarded, in essence, with jack.

The Invite turned 20;

Times 50, that’s plenty

Of weeks that I’ll never get back. (Brian Cohen)


Next week: Har monikers, or Punzi schemes