The Invitational Week 20: Rhymes Against Humanity
Plus 'The Undouchables' and other winning 'grandfoal' names
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 18, 2023

Rep. Lauren Boebert, the Czar's muse for this week's light-verse contest.
Today, as we do every Thursday, we devote the top half of the Gene Pool to The Invitational. But first, we must take a moment to appreciate the Worst Woman of the Week. No, it is not the lady pictured above! She takes third place, and will be mentioned later. The new WWotW is named Tricia Cotham, state legislator from North Carolina. If you do not know about her filthbucketry, you are about to learn. She was elected to her state legislature in 2022 as a pro-choice Democrat, an outspoken advocate for women's rights. Once she entered the legislature, she announced that she was changing party affiliation to Republican. She would be anti-choice. In this new designation, she became the deciding vote in a new supermajority her defection created, overturning the governor's veto of a bill (soon to be law) making all abortions, for any reason, illegal after 12 weeks. Kicker: She once had an abortion that she is now making illegal, a fact she had used politically to gain cred, and votes, from the left.

And last: At 4 a.m. I sneezed fourteen times, which I believe is a personal record. It creates an opportunity for a Gene Pool Gene Poll. Alert: If you are reading this on a phone and want to vote, you might want to switch to a computer or tablet; it is displayed more readably.

POLL
How many times, max, have you sneezed in a row?
Only once or twice
Three to six
Seven to nine
More than nine.
304 VOTES . 20 HOURS REMAINING
Ask me a question!

Keep the Gene Pool thriving and alive-ing.


Subscribed

Okay! This week's Invitational contest, Week 20, is to write a four-line poem about people in the news, using either of two poetic forms that are particularly challenging staples of The Invitational.

The first is the clerihew, a four-line poem with (A) someone's name in the first line (only the name, or a line ending with the name); (B) the rhyme scheme aabb; and -- this is important -- (C) meter that varies, often wildly, from line to line. Here is an example by the Czar, based on the legal and marital travails of a certain congresswoman, especially as limned in this article (which you should read to the end).

Boebert (Lauren)
Hates all threats to family values, domestic or foreign,
Except perhaps for those that might happen to be composed
Of nasty divorce, household slapping, underage drinking, mailbox vandalism, and penises indecently exposed.

The second eligible form is the poed, created by Ed Hopkins of Davidsonville, Md., many years ago for The Style Invitational. It's also a four-line poem: The first line is six one-syllable words, the second is three two-syllable words, the third is two three-syllable words, and the last is one six-syllable word. There must be at least one end-of-line rhyme. Some leeway will be extended to cleverly pertinent made-up words, as in this poed, also by the Czar.

On the air, Trump sat down
Vicious, lying, piggly
Defensive, offensive.
Meretriciousbigly.

You can include a title for either poem if you want to.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-20. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. And don't try putting your whole poem onto a single line, as we usually ask for entries; just write them as four lines.

Deadline is Saturday, May 27, at 4 p.m. wherever you are. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 1. You need to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter; sign up (just $5 for a month or $50/year) at the "subscribe" box above.


This week's prize: (L) Sock One. (R) Sock Two.
This week's winner gets, apropos of this contest, one of the few pairs of socks in the world to celebrate a character from a world-renowned poem. They are excellent for sitting in the house on a cold, cold, wet day.

The results of Week 18 are below, but first, two paragraphs of boring but necessary boilerplate:

After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers added on -- and then Gene will keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for his opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes. To see those later Q&As, refresh your screen occasionally.

As always, you can also leave comments. They'll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though we will stop in from time to time.

Share

Leave a comment

The Bridle Registry: Winning 'Grandfoals' of Week 18
As The Invitational has done every year since 1995, in Week 16 we listed 100 of the horses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races and the Losers "bred" pairs of names to name a "foal" that cleverly, often punningly -- and often crudely -- referred to both "parents." Then in Week 18, they bred those foal names to make "grandfoals." Given that this week they were working with names like Shit Show, USS Constipation, Vulveeta, and Wanks a Million, it wasn't surprising that the grand-names were horses of an off color -- we're glad that Washington Post editors wouldn't have to wring their hands over these babies. This is, by far, the Gene Pool Invitational with the most entries that would have been assassinated by The Post.

Don't get the joke in an entry? Ask in the comments below and we'll explain it and not even sneer.

Third runner-up: Indy Penn Dense x Pole Worker = Undie Porn Dance (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Second runner-up: Pole Worker x Julius Sees Her = Veni Vidi * Veni (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

First runner-up: Why an Apostrophe? x USS Constipation = Colon Won't Work (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Knit Your Own Dog kit;
Chiseler x Sans Seraph = Michel*****o (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)

Just Say Neigh: Honorable Mentions
American Pi x Chiseler = 3.14-Card Monte (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Go Fly a Kite x Shit Show = Scat! (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Tom Witte)

Julius Sees Her x Double on Tundra = Eye of the Taiga (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Crash Test Dummies x There Be Geckos = There Be Geico (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

There Be Geckos x 127 Hours = Save 7,620 Percent (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.; Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

Wanks a Million x 127 Hours = A Long Time Coming (Andrew Rosenberg, Brooklyn, N.Y.)

Bean Franklin x Shit Show = Poo Richard (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Chiseler x Walk = The Adze of March (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Crash Test Dummies x Porn to Run = Mannekinky (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Crash Test Dummies x Stumped = Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Deputy Seraph x Julius Sees Her = Eyeshot the Seraph (Laurie Brink)

Eliot Nescafe x Wanks A Million = The Touchables (Steve Price, New York; Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Eliot Nescafe x Vulveeta = The Undouchables (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Etude, Brute? X Fonzie Scheme = Julius Greaser (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Etude, Brute? x Wedgie Jackson = Executioner'sThong (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

GanDolphini x Rep. Van Winkle = Jersey Snore (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)

Go Fly a Kite x C-Note Evil = AHundredTimesNo! (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Go Fly a Kite x Shit Show = Mary Poopins (Beverley Sharp)

Go Fly a Kite x Shit Show = Wipe Left (Jon Carter)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Chiseler = Pyrite, Actually (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Double on Tundra = COOOOOOOOLD! (David Peckarsky, Tucson; Duncan Stevens)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Go Fly a Kite = Au Revoir (Jesse Frankovich)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Nuuk Nuuk Nuuk = Fort Nuuks (Tim Watts, Great Falls, Va.)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Porn to Run = Trumps Like Us (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x When I'm 2^6 = OOOOOOOOLD! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Mike Gips)

GOOOOOOOOLD! X Wanks a Million = Gilty Pleasure (Tim Watts)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x When I'm 2^6 = 7^2-ers (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)

Hanky Panky x 127 Hours = AffairToDismember (Jeff Contompasis)

Hanky Panky X Double on Tundra = Lapp Dancers (Roy Ashley)

Hanky Panky x Double on Tundra = NanookieOfTheNorth (Chris Doyle)

King Leer x Pole Worker = Letch Walesa (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.; Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.; Jeff Contompasis)

Mr. Kite x Porn Worker = Wind Blown (Rob Wolf)

Pole Worker x Tempest in a K-Cup = Bump and Grind (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Pole Worker x Wanks a Million = Elf-Stimulation (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Porn to Run x USS Constipation = Easy Come, Hard Go (Jesse Frankovich)

Porn to Run x USS Constipation = XXX-Lax (Michael Stein)

Porn to Run x Walk in Water = The Story of Eau (Chris Doyle)

Rep. Van Winkle x Shit Show = Slumber Potty (Jesse Frankovich)

RiddleOfTheSinks x USS Constipation = Stopped Up Again! (Beverley Sharp)

Sanka for Nothing x Tibia Not to Be = Decalf (Frank Osen)

Sanka Ship x Vulveeta = Loose Lips (Rob Wolf)

Sans Seraph x Shit Show = Helveticaca (Laurie Brink)

Stumped x Nuuk Nuuk Nuuk = Inuit All Along (John Winant, Annandale, Va.)

The Stinker x WhoSlicedTheCheese = Farts and Krafts (Tom Witte)

Three Scrooges x Sanka Ship = Tightanic (Karen Lambert)

EnemaOfThePeephole x Wanks a Million = Clean and Jerk (Brian Cohen)

USS Constipation x J. Edgar Hoofer = Clogger (Kevin Dopart)

USS Constipation x Unplugged = ThatShipHasSoiled (Roy Ashley)

Venus de Silo x Willie Maze = The Say Hay Kid (Bernard Brink; Rob Wolf)

Wanks a Million x Founding Farter = John Handcock (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.)

Wanks a Million x Go Fly a Kite = Beat It (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.; Tom Witte)

WhoSlicedTheCheese x Storm Suer = Odor in the Court (Chris Doyle)

Wedgie Jackson x Hanky Panky = Panties in a Tryst (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

The headline "Bridle Registry" is by Jon Carter; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 9 p.m. Saturday, May 20: Our Week 19 contest to add a pertinent verse to an existing song we'd like to hear some politician (of any era) sing. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-19.

We're full up for the Losers' annual Flushies picnic this Saturday afternoon; we'll let you know the highlights. For details of the June and July Loser brunches at local restaurants, see "Our Social Engorgements" on the Losers' website, NRARS.org.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,000-member Facebook group and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:(Ed Hopkins)
Title:(Jon Carter)
Subhead:(Chris Doyle)
Prize:
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 19: A Crooning Achievement
Write a lyric for a politician to sing. Plus the winners of our toilet paper art contest!
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 11, 2023

Hello. Today we introduce a new Invitational contest based on the moment above, when the South Korean president broke into song at a recent state dinner at the White House.

And now, the Crooning Achievement: The Invitational Week 19
Our new contest is based on a suggestion by a reader of The Gene Pool, riffing off the moment at a recent White House dinner when South Korean President Yoon Suk Yeol launched into an excellent version of American Pie. The still-anonymous reader suggested a contest in which we propose scenarios where some politician breaks into song that seems ironically appropriate, or devilishly pointed, or in some other way hilarious. The reader gave two examples: Barack Obama singing "Born in the U.S.A." to a roomful of MAGA people, or Donald Trump, while entertaining Putin at the White House, singing to Vlad "This Land Is Your Land."

We're going with that idea, with an additional requirement: You must write a new section to whichever song that the pol will throw in. To demonstrate, the Czar took the reader's two suggestions and ran with them:

Trump, as Woody Guthrie, to Putin:
This land is your land, this land is my land
They say you rolled me, and that you're vile and
A tyrant bloody -- but you're my buddy!
This land was made for you to screw.

Obama, as Springsteen, to the MAGAs:
Got me in a little birther jam,
Big orange fella asks from where I am.
Am I a Yank, because he has his doubt.
Here's my baby papers! Kenya ooze on out?
I was BORN in the U.S.A. *

So for Week 19: Add a verse or two to a well-known song that a politician might humorously sing. Set the scene if needed. You can choose any politician, or even a duo or trio, from anywhere, past or present. Even even if it's obvious to you, please tell us which song you're using, and link to a YouTube version if the song might not be well known to everyone.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-19. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. And don't try putting your whole song onto a single line, as we usually ask for entries; just write them in a typical poetry-style format.

Deadline is Saturday, May 20, at 9 p.m. -- you get a few extra hours, since the Czar, the Empress and various Losers will be congregating that afternoon at the Flushies picnic (see one last blurb after this week's results). Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 25. You need to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter; sign up (just $5 for a month or $50/year) at the "subscribe" box above.


Have a nice cup of repartea with this week's prize.
This week's winner gets a coffee mug from Manhattan's Algonquin hotel, famed as the daily lunch site and watering hole for the Algonquin Round Table, a 1920s clique of pre-Invitational wits including Dorothy Parker and Robert Benchley. The mug was picked up in the 1990s by Maja Keech during a visit to New York by members of the Loser Community, whose "official" name is the Not Ready for the Algonquin Roundtable Society (hence its website, NRARS.org).

Sheets and Giggles: Toilet Paper 'Art' From Invitational Week 17
In Invitational Week 17 we asked you -- in our subversive answer to The Washington Post's contests for dioramas featuring Peeps -- to create and photograph some original construction featuring toilet paper and/or its cardboard tubes. As you will see, most people went the wordplay route rather than the craftsy route -- but the winner ably combined both approaches.

Third runner-up:

"WE don't believe the crap we shovel, but you viewers go right ahead."


(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Second runner-up:

NEWS LEAK FROM THE JANUARY 6 INVESTIGATION,
or: What happens when you forget to flush fifteen times:


(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:


(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of the bacon-and-egg socks:


"It's now illegal to have your tubes tied in this state."
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Arty Poopers: Honorable Mentions

When you know it's gonna hit it, you gotta be prepared. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
--


Pierre was tired of being treated like merde. (Stu Segal, Charlotte, N.C.)


From The Rear that made Milwaukee famous. (Kevin Dopart)


Chuck Berry's bathroom. (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.)

--


TP canoe -- Anne Tyler, too. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

--


(Jesse Frankovich)


(Beverley Sharp)


"It's called a bidet. And it's an existential threat." (Stu Segal)


(Jesse Frankovich)


Scott finally lands a top roll. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)


(Kevin Dopart)

The headline "Sheets and Giggles" is by Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, May 13: Our Week 18 "grandfoals" contest to "breed" the winning foal names from Week 16. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-18.

Last call to join the Loser Community -- plus Gene and Pat -- at the annual Flushies picnic on Saturday afternoon, May 20. Here's your personal invitation! We've heard that there will be Losers and Invitational Devotees coming from as far as Texas. And definitely some Loser-penned parodies to sing along with.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,000-member Facebook group and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:
Title:(Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead:(Chris Doyle)
Prize:
Add:H:1532:
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 18: Colt Following
Now that we have the winner and punners-up of our venerable foal-name contest, it's time for 'grandfoals'
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 4, 2023

And Now, The Invitational! Diddly-doot, Diddly-doot, Diddly-DOOT-doot-doot-doot. (That's the bugle call before a race.)
As the Churchill Downs crew cleared off the workout poop and smoothed the track for this Saturday's 149th Kentucky Derby, The Invitational -- as it has every year since 1995 -- invited the Loser Community to horse around with the year's nominated Thoroughbreds and "breed" their names to produce a pun-filled "foal." The results appear below. The new contest, which we are announcing here, is the second leg of our Double Crown: For Week 18: "Breed" any two of the "foal" names generated in in today's results and give the "grandfoal" a name that reflects both names. We even have a handy-dandy list of all this week's foals right here (or type in bit.ly/grandfoals-2023). Just as with the Week 16 contest (and in real horse racing), a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces; those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but the name should be easy to read. As always, you may submit up to 25 grandfoals, preferably all on the same form.

For guidance and inspiration, let's look at the top four of last year's inking grandfoals (the whole list is here):
4. No-Knock Warrant x Lake Flaccid = DEA'd in the Water (Frank Mann)

3. Finals Are Today x Catch Some Z's = Got Some F's (Andrew Hatziyannis)

2. Catch Some Z's x I the People = Nap Bonaparte (Pam Shermeyer)

1. Atom and Heave x Pig Penn = Hurls Before Swine (Laurie Brink)

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-18. Please write your entries in the A x B = C format you see today so that the Empress and especially her longtime volunteer sorter, Loser Jonathan Hardis, can sort the entries by horse name.

Deadline is Saturday, May 13, at 4 p.m. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 18. You need to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter; sign up (just $5 for a month or $50/year) at the "subscribe" box above.


If you mess it up, it'll love you anyway. That's how dogs are. This week's prize.
This week's winner gets * a dog! More precisely, Knit Your Own Dog, a kit with everything you need - including, they say, the expertise, even if you're a rank beginner -- to knit and stuff a little black-and-tan dachshund. What's especially Loserly is that even in the photo on the box, the dog came out a bit uneven and gimpy-looking. But cute! Like most of us in Loserland. Donated by Loser Steve Bremner. If you come to the Flushies picnic (see below), Gene and Pat will give it to you in person.

The Kentucky Derpy: The 'Foals' of Week 16
Our first Gene Pool foal name Invitational brought, as always, far more utterly inkworthy entries than we could sanely run. The Empress's first cut among the 1,750 entries to Week 16 topped 200 names, and these didn't count about a dozen excellent one that were sent too frequently, including Auguste Rodin x Clear the Air = The Stinker, or Instant Coffee x Ironsides = Sanka Ship, or Ready Shakespeare x Mr. Peeks = King Leer. If your brilliant name didn't get ink today, it absolutely got cut only in the very last round.

Did we choose the wrong winners? Take to the comments below to share your thoughts about the contest, your personal faves etc. (Do not shout out your own favorite non-inking entries; you can do that in the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook group.) Or if there's an entry you didn't get, someone will (mostly unsnarkily) explain it to you.

Third runner-up: Hoosier Philly x I Don't Get It = Indy Penn Dense (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up: Forte x Ten Days Later = Fifte (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up: Ready Shakespeare x Theismann = Tibia Not to Be (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.)

And the winner of the horse-hoof-motif socks:
Disarm x I Don't Get It = Stumped (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Dam Close: Honorable Mentions
Acoustic Ave x Infinite Series = American Pi (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Acoustic Ave x Circling the Drain = Unplugged (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.; Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Armstrong x Meteorite = One Small Step-OW! (Dave Zarrow, Skokie, Ill.)

Armstrong x Secret Threat = Strongarm (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Candidate x Lap Star = Pole Worker (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va., who got his only previous blot of Invite ink in 2003)

Disarm x Kingsbarns = Venus de Silo (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Gandolfini x Flipper = GanDolphini (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.; Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank; Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.)

Instant Coffee x Expect More = Sanka for Nothing (Rob Wolf)

Aaron x Giant Mischief = Hanky Panky (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

Aaron x Instant Coffee = Hanka (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Accident x Curly Larry and Mo = Crash Test Dummies (Tim Watts, Great Falls, Va.)

Accident x Disarm = 127 Hours (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)

Angel of Empire x Protege = Deputy Seraph (Chris Doyle)

Angel of Empire x Banishing = Sans Seraph (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.; Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Ready Shakespeare x Eye Witness = Julius Sees Her (Mary McNamara, Washington, D.C.; Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Auguste Rodin x Confidence Game = Chiseler (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Chris Doyle)

Auguste Rodin x Flipper = Thinker Swim (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.; Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Banishing x Ben Franklin = Go Fly a Kite (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.; Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Ben Franklin x Accident = Been Franklin (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.; Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md.)

Ben Franklin x Rocket Can = Bean Franklin (Neil Kurland)

Ben Franklin x Clear the Air = Founding Farter (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Ben Franklin x Giant Mischief = C-Note Evil (Andrew Rosenberg, Brooklyn, N.Y.)

Ben Franklin x Sgt. Pepper = Mr. Kite (Steve Price, New York; Mike Hammer)

Be Punctual x Low Expectations = Tempus Fuckit (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Ready Shakespeare x Blocked = Bard the Door (Doug Hembrey, Manassas, Va.)

B Minor x Ready Shakespeare = Etude, Brute? (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

B Minor x Skinner = Key and Peeler (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Candidate x Dreamlike = Rep. Van Winkle (Jonathan Paul)

Circling the Drain x Ready Shakespeare = Coriolanus Effect (Diana Oertel)

Classic Catch x Hard to Figure = Willie Maze (Steve Price)

Clear the Air x Dr. Kraft = WhoSlicedTheCheese (Jon Carter)

Confidence Game x Auguste Rodin = HookLine&Thinker (Sarah Walsh, Rob Wolf)

Confidence Game x Litigate = A Ploy Named Sue (Tim Watts)

Curly Larry and Mo x Greenland = Nuuk Nuuk Nuuk (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Mia Wyatt; Mike Hammer)

Cyclone Mischief x Litigate = Storm Suer (Jesse Frankovich)

Lap Star x Fleet Feet = Porn to Run (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)

Fleet Feet x Mr. Peeks = EnemaOfThePeephole (Mark Raffman, on vacation in Moji, Japan, site of the Toto Toilet Museum; Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

General Banker x Curly Larry and Mo = The Three Scrooges (Larry Passar, Reston, Va.; David Garratt)

Hard to Figure x Circling the Drain = RiddleOfTheSinks (Duncan Stevens)

Hard to Figure x Two Phil's = Why an Apostrophe? (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.)

Hit Show x Low Expectations = Shit Show (Howard Ausden, Damascus, Md.; Mark Raffman; J. Larry Schott)

Ironsides x Blocked = USS Constipation (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.; Andrew Rosenberg)

Jackstown x Power in Numbers = Wanks a Million (Mark Raffman)

Justice Department x Fleet Feet = J. Edgar Hoofer (Jonathan Paul)

Justice Department x Instant Coffee = Eliot Nescafe (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Andrew Rosenberg)

Major Dude x Confidence Game = Fonzie Scheme (Jesse Frankovich)

Miracle Worker x Low Expectations = Walk in Water (Jonathan Paul)

Promise Me a Ride x Love Me Not = Walk (Duncan Stevens)

Ready Shakespeare x Instant Coffee = Tempest in a K-Cup (Pam Sweeney)

I Don't Get It x Instant Coffee = IDK-Cup (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)

Ride Up x Hit Show = Wedgie Jackson (Malcolm Fleschner)

Runandscore x Yellow Brick = GOOOOOOOOLD! (Jesse Frankovich)

Sgt. Pepper x Low Expectations = WhenI'mSixtyFourth (Andrew Rosenberg)

Sgt. Pepper x Power in Numbers = When I'm 2^6 (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)

There Be Dragons x Low Expectations = There Be Geckos (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Two Phil's x Greenland = Double on Tundra (Duncan Stevens)

Yellow Brick X Lap Star = Vulveeta (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

The headline "The Kentucky Derpy" is by Jeff Contompasis; Jeff also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Reminder: We welcome your comments about the foals.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Monday, May 8: Our Week 17 contest to make humorous art out of toilet paper and/or their rolls, and send us a photo. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-17.

Join the Loser Community -- plus Gene and Pat -- at the annual Flushies picnic May 20. Here's your personal invitation!

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,000-member Facebook group and our podcast.

The Invitational Week 17: The Poops Diorama
Make some funny art with toilet paper, and send us a photo. Plus winning Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions
GENE WEINGARTEN AND PAT MYERS
APR 27, 2023

Last May, The Invitational put forth its homage (or perhaps ummm-age) to The Washington Post's annual Peeps diorama contest (whose results now run exclusively on TikTok) by asking the Loser Community to create art with the most timely of media: real cicadas, which at the time were in the midst of their every-17-year takeover of the D.C. area, covering the ground with millions of molted exoskeletons to a 24/7 screech-buzz. The contest results were positively Loserly, a delightful mix of gross-out and punning on the "Brood X" onslaught. The winner: "Et Tu, Brood X" by Invite Hall of Famer Kevin Dopart and his wife, Deborah Hensley. (That's a piece of dill serving as the laurel wreath of Julius Cicada, and a piece of cocktail spear for the dagger.)


The cicadas won't be back en masse till 2039, but Kevin's suggested another idea for this year's photo contest: For Week 17, send us a picture of a witty visual artwork that you have made using toilet paper (in rolls or sheets) and/or their cardboard cores, decorated as you like with other materials, backgrounds, etc. (but not with photo editing). You could even turn the TP into papier-mache. You can submit as many as 10 photos (even 10 artworks!); feel free to submit two or more photos of your creation from different angles, if that helps us see it better.

Remember that we're a humor contest and especially value humor (duh), wordplay, and/or topicality. For example, a lovely flower expertly folded from a length of Cottonelle wouldn't be right for The Invitational: It has to be humorous as well as well crafted. Here are some examples of well-crafted TP art on the web featuring tube creatures and devilishly ornamented whole rolls. (And we can see this becoming the standard warning: Don't use AI. Use your own hands.)

If you live in the D.C. area -- or would like to visit on Saturday afternoon, May 20 -- we'd love you to show your inking creations IRL at the Flushies, the Losers' annual awards potluck. See your personal invitation -- yes, even for you -- about how to join us (even without toilet paper art in hand).

Here's one more winner, from a 2018 Invite photo contest, to put googly eyes on something. See, you don't have to be a master craftsman if you're a master wordsmith.


Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-17. Please read the formatting directions on the form, including what to do if your photos refuse to load to the form.

We're going to give you as long as we possibly can to do this contest: Deadline is noon ET on Monday, May 8. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 11. You need to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter; sign up (just $5 for a month or $50/year) at the "subscribe" box above.

This week's winner gets an excellent pair of bacon-and-eggs socks: one sock bacon, one sock egg. If you keep kosher, just wear one sock. If you win and come to the Flushies, the Czar and Empress will also bestow upon you an autographed roll of toilet paper.


If you wear them while walking on a really hot sidewalk *

Badaskery: Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions from Week 15
In Week 15 The Invitational honored the great Al Jaffee of Mad Magazine, who'd died that week at age 102, with a contest about one of his trademark features, Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.

Third runner-up: (On Zoom) Am I on mute?
Yes. But thanks to your telepathic skills, we can hear your question. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Second runner-up: Are you the chef?
No, I'm wearing this big white toque to cover the hatchet buried in my skull. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

First runner-up: (In an offended voice) Do you know who I am?
Don't worry, amnesia is usually temporary. (Jeff Goldberg, Washington, D.C., a First Offender)

And the winner of the sheet of "I Pooped Today" calendar stickers;

Cutting your grass, huh?
No, just taking my lawnmower-shaped goat out for a graze. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Sass-fail: Honorable Mentions
Did you get a haircut?
No, I'm training it to retract when stupid people approach. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Are you all waiting to use the restroom?
No, we're here to guard the door while you go. (Jonathan Jensen)

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Driver: What do I win if I get it right? (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Does this dress make me look fat?
No, just big-boned. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Are you lost?
No, I know exactly where I am, except somebody went and rearranged all the buildings and streets. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Is that what you're wearing?
No, that's what you're wearing - I'm wearing a mirror. (Jon Gearhart)

Are you expecting?
No, I smuggle beagles. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Are you expecting?
Yes, I'm expecting another few months of rude questions. (Jonathan Jensen)

Can I ask you a question?
Success! You must be so proud. (Kevin Dopart)

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Driver: Apparently, not fast enough. That's why you caught up to me. (Frank Mann, Washington, D.C.)

Do you want the extended warranty on the toaster?
Oh, sure - I'll have such peace of mind knowing that if my $15 toaster is damaged, I won't have to borrow my friend's pickup truck to bring it to the toaster repair facility. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Local TV reporter to teenage girls entering an arena: Are you excited to be seeing Taylor Swift?
What? We're here for the Brookings Institution's policy discussion on reforming federal procurement and acquisition policies! (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

Have you heard the Good News?
If it's that you're leaving my porch, then yes. (Jon Gearhart)

Hey babe, are you a Ginger or a Mary Ann?
Are you a Fred Flintstone or a Barney Rubble? (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Oh, is that your baby?
Well, he is since I kidnapped him. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Was I driving too fast, officer?
No, I pulled you over because you haven't changed your dashboard clock to daylight-saving time. (Jonathan Jensen)

Were you sleeping?
No, I was dead. Thanks for resurrecting me. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

You're soooo tall. Do you play basketball?
No, I prefer to munch leaves off tree branches before I go to work as the mascot for Toys R Us. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Working hard or hardly working?
Both: I'm being unproductive and I have a huge erection. (Jeff Contompasis)

Are you working hard?
No, this is America - that's a gun in my pocket. (Kevin Dopart)

Are you still showering?
No, I'm sending sweat upward into this newfangled vacuum. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Did you push the button?
No, my appointment's not till tomorrow - I just want to be first in line for the elevator. (Jon Gearhart)

Did you get your nose pierced?
No, I had my pimple bronzed. (Barbara Turner)

Have you looked everywhere for it?
Well, not everywhere, but I figured it wouldn't be in the stash of vodka in your desk drawer. (Karen Lambert)

Interviewer: How did it feel just now to win the World Series?
Dunno. Still numb from all the steroids. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Is my leaf blower bothering you?
No, I'm wearing these industrial sound-blockers in case a 747 needs to make an emergency landing on our street. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

(To flight attendant) Are we landing?
No, we've run out of fuel. Care for some more coffee before we hit the ground? (Jonathan Jensen,)

Are we there yet?
Yes, but we just kept driving because we like to hear you whine. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Are you going to eat that?
No, I'm going to engulf it with one of my pseudopods and absorb it. (Kevin Dopart)

Doing some push-ups?
No, I'm trying to nudge the earth back onto its axis. (Leif Picoult)

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Because you saw me eating a donut? (Frank Mann)

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Yes, but she hates it when I use too much tongue. (Lee Graham)

Do you know what she had the nerve to say to me?
I'm guessing it wasn't "Please don't bother others with our trivial drama." (Jon Carter)

Ooh, does that poison ivy itch?
No, I'm just using my skin to file my fingernails. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

There's a cop behind me - should I pull over?
No, I'm sure he turned his lights on to applaud the witty social commentary of your "F the Police" bumper sticker. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

To husband putting on tie and jacket: Oh, are you going out?
No, going to bed -- all my pajamas are in the wash. (Rob Cohen)

And Last: Are you that Jeff Contompasis of Ashburn?
No, I'm the other Jeff Contompasis of Ashburn. That Jeff Contompasis is really annoying because he thinks he's soooo funny. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

The headline "Badaskery" is by Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, April 29: Our Week 16 contest to "breed" two racehorses' names to name a "foal" that refers humorously to both names. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-16.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,000-member Facebook group and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Kevin Dopart)
Examples: (Kevin Dopart; Deborah Hensley; Chris Doyle)
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize:
Add:H:1532:
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 16: Pun for the Roses
Our renowned horse name 'breeding' contest returns! Plus 'dongdinging,' 'Whoteenth' and other winning neologisms.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
APR 20, 2023

The Invitational has been running its horse name contest almost as long as the Kentucky Derby's been around. Okay, since 1995, anyway. Furlong, long time. (Cigarette advertisement from the Library of Congress collection)
NOTE: Gene is recovering from a nasty bug that hit him on Wednesday, so he's delaying his Gene Pool Q&A's to Friday, April 21, at noon ET. So it's just Pat and The Invitational today. You can still ask the Empress questions today and do your pontificatin' in the comments at the bottom of the web page. But for Gene to answer questions, send them the usual way and he'll deal with them on Friday.

If you're reading this on an email, you can comment by going to the Gene Pool web page and clicking on "The Invitational Week 16." Now, on to Our Biggest Contest.

"Breed" Armstrong with Power in Numbers and name the foal Lance A Lot

Vigorish x Low Expectations = Vigorish-ish

Sgt. Pepper x Low Expectations = Norwegian Wouldn't

It was The Style Invitational's top-drawing contest in almost every one of its 28 years at The Washington Post, deluging the Czar and then the Empress with thousands of puns, and hundreds of good ones. Based on the common practice of giving racehorses names that reflect the name of either or both parents -- Classic Catch is the offspring of Classic Empire and Moon Catcher -- our annual challenge ramps up the wit.

This week: At the bottom of this page (and also at this link or type in bit.ly/invite-horses-2023) is a list of 100 of the almost 400 horses nominated for the 2023 Triple Crown races: the Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes and Belmont Stakes. "Breed" any two names and name the "foal" to humorously play off both parents' names, as in the examples above. (Yes, we know almost all the horses are male. We do not care. They are They to us.)

As in thoroughbred racing, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but we strongly favor names that are easy to read (capitalizing the individual words helps). DON'T name a foal a third name right from the list; such an entry never gets ink.

If you're not familiar with our foal name contest, scroll through some previous winners at the Losers' Master Contest List containing all 1,534 Invitationals; click on the "theme filter" box at the top and select, duh, "horses." Quick peek: Here are the top three from 2022:
Smarten Up x Simplification = Dumben Down (Gary Crockett)
Bloodline x Dean's List = IV League (Craig Dykstra)
Absolute Ruler x We the People = I the People (John O'Byrne)

Please write entries in the A x B = C format of the examples above so that the Empress and especially her longtime volunteer sorter, Loser Jonathan Hardis, can sort the entries by horse name.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-16.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, April 29. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 4, right before Kentucky Derby weekend. Remember that you do have to be a Gene Pool subscriber to play this year, but you can be a cheapo and pony up (as it were) for just a month for $5 -- which will also get you the follow-up "grandfoals" contest, when you "breed" the inking foal names from this week's contest.

This week's winner gets, ever so appropriately, a nice pair of tube socks that look like a horse's hoofs (except when you actually put human feet in them); the sole shows a real bottom of a hoof, complete with printed horseshoe. From our Premier Collection of Prizes That Fit in a Flat Envelope.


Funnycombs: Spelling Bee Neologisms from Week 14
In Week 14 we presented 20 seven-letter "hives" from old editions of the New York Times's Spelling Bee word-find game, and asked you to make up your own new words and phrases and describe them. You could use the letters more than once, and had to include the first letter of the set (in the center in the actual game).

Third runner-up: YACGINR > NAYCAY: A week at the beach with two-year-old twins. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Second runner-up: PADINOT > ATTN. POOPTOP: When you want to start your resignation letter "Dear Shithead" but want to maintain proper office decorum. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

First runner-up: FAELMOT > FELLATE ME ELMO: A plush doll that never made any headway in the market. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.; Kevin Dopart, Washington D.C.)

And the winner of the twelve fake mustaches: FAELMOT > FEMALOT: A law was made a distant moon ago here/ Your flashes may be warm , but never hot/ And menstrual cramps won't ever lay you low here/ In Femalot! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

NEOLOGISMS > GLOOMINESS: Honorable Mentions
From FAELMOT: EFF FLA: Unofficial motto of the other forty-nine states. (Duncan Stevens)

-- FAT ME: How an honest person orders two Big Macs. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

-- FATTOO: what that cute little butterfly on your skinny 18-year-old butt will become twenty years and fifty pounds later. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

-- FETAL MOTEL: In Florida, a legal term for "woman." (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

From LCEMOPT: McPELLET: Two dehydrated patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, all in a sesame seed pill. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

-- POE MOTEL: "I can only give this place one star. Between the thumping under the floorboards and constant rapping on the door, I was up all night!" (Jon Carter)

From ADLMNTY : DATA DAM: All the useless knowledge stored in the brain that prevents a person from remembering birthdays, anniversaries, and the name of "that guy who was in that movie with the woman who used to be in that TV show. You know the one*" (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

-- MAN-A-DAY MAMA: She's ugly and really dumb too, but you should still call her. (Mark Raffman)

-- MAN MALL: A shopping center focused on the stereotypical American male. "Want to come with me to the man mall? They just opened a Couch, Porn & Beer store!" (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

From OEHMNTW: WHOTEENTH: June 16 in Florida. (Jon Carter)

-- WENT OHM: The pithy epitaph on the tombstone of an incompetent electrician. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

-- WHOMTOWN: The Grinch's next target: the snooty village on the other side of the mountain. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

-- OHMTOWN: Cradle of the Resistance. (Frank Mann, Washington, D.C.)

-- 'NOT WHO - WHOM' WOMEN: Your sentence-diagramming high school English teachers. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

From CABEIMN: McCAA: A Scottish parrot. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

From DCGINOT: GODOTING: Waiting for something that may never come. "We're godoting for Merrick Garland to indict him already." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

-- DONGDINGING: Zipping up too quickly at the urinal. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

From EABCHLW: LECH LEECH: Prince Andrew or other guests at Jeffrey Epstein's island (Mark Raffman)

From TABIMNO: BAMBI ATOM: What's left of the deer after hunting with an AR-15. (Sam Mertens)

-- IAMBITION: With measured steps that stressed what we both knew/ I reached my goal by walking over you. (Kevin Dopart)

From TAILMOP: POTATO POP: Soviet-era alternative to decadent Western colas. (Sam Mertens)

-- POTATOMATO: A hybrid source of fries that already taste like ketchup. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.; Jesse Frankovich)

From GAEFLOP: GAFFELE (n., Yiddish): Just a minor faux pas. "Oops, I guess I made a little gaffele when I asked Shirley Moskowitz's daughter when the baby was due. But oy, has that girl gotten heavy!" (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

-- POLOLOGOPEOPLE: "Chad, I believe you know Hadley. And here are Skip, Kip, Chip, and Missy." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

From LACHINO: ALCOAHOLIC: Someone who won't take off his tinfoil hat. "He was such an Alcoaholic that he wouldn't even wear a MAGA cap." (Kevin Dopart)

From LBEFINX: EFFIBLE ELF: Tinder handle of Ernie Keebler. (Jon Carter)

From MBEILOZ: BEZOMOBILE: An investment vehicle that goes from zero to 150 billion in thirty years. (Rob Cohen)

-- ZOOMBIE: What a full day of virtual meetings turns you into. (Jesse Frankovich; Jonathan Jensen; Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

From TACILMN: TICTACTICAL: Demonstrating a calculated level of misunderstanding. "It's not assault if you use a breath mint first." (Frank Osen; Mark Raffman)

From YACGINR: YAGINA: The thing ya'll got that Republicans are itching to control. (Frank Mann)

And Last: GAEFLOP > GAGFLOP: The sound of an Invitational entry as it bites the dust. (Beverley Sharp)

And Even Laster: TAILMOP > POOPTIMAL: How the Czar describes the best possible Invitational entry. (Duncan Stevens)

The headline "Funnycombs" was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Jon Carter; Kyle Hendrickson wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

PARTY WITH GENE, PAT & THE LOSERS:
The Flushies awards/potluck/songfest, Saturday afternoon, May 20, Potomac, Md.
Even before there was an Invitational horse name contest, there was a community of Invite contestants: "Officially" they're the Not Ready for the Algonquin Roundtable Society (NRARS); these days they're the Losers. And for the 27th year, they'll be gathering for the Flushies, an event to "honor" the Loser of the Year, eat, schmooze, sing parodies, etc. For the third year running, it's a potluck in the backyard of Loser Steve Leifer in Potomac, Md. As always, the Empress will be there -- and this time the Czar also plans to attend, in an extremely rare appearance at a Loser function; I believe his last one was a sendoff party in 2004.
We'll send out an email invitation and online sign-up form in the next week or so; if you'd like to get one (and weren't on the mailing lists for last year's parties), email Loser Fun Guy Kyle Hendrickson at BrunchOfLosers@gmail.com and he'll add your name. (If we don't know you, the Empress might chat you up first to make sure you're a Gene Pool member or otherwise an Invite fan.)

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, April 22: Our Week 15 Al Jaffee memorial contest for Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-14.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:(Gary Crockett; Craig Dykstra; John O'Byrne)
Title:(Jesse Frankovich; Jon Carter)
Subhead:(Kyle Hendrickson)
Prize:
Add:H:1532:
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 15: The Very Last 'Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions'
Plus: What would be even worse than a second T-Rump presidency?
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
APR 13, 2023

I just want to say right here that at 71, I just realized why "toadstools" are funny, a slap-to-the-forehead revelation. They look like little stools for toads! Most of you probably figured this out at age 7. This might be a good time to purchase The Gene Pool for very little money.

Holy crap. You get stuff like this!

Subscribed

Meanwhile, today's Invitational is in memorial to Al Jaffee, the Mad Magazine cartoonist who died this week at the fearsome age of 102. Al created the Mad back-page fold-in, but even more importantly, he created the "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" feature, one example of which we link to here.

You get to do them. This week. We won't repeat this contest, to honor Al. It's the last one: For Week 15, tell us a stupid question followed by a funny retort. All truly stupid questions and truly snappy answers will be considered. Here's an example, mined from an upcoming Barney & Clyde comic strip, in honor of Al, written by the brilliant Horace LaBadie: A cartoon of a man on fire, running down the hall, with a bystander asking if he needed help: "No, I am reenacting Prometheus bringing fire to the human race." Try to beat that.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, April 22. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 27.

This week's winner gets almost a whole page of tiny "I Pooped Today" stickers for proudly posting on one's medical calendar, classified document, forehead, etc. Acquired in the Buy Nothing giveaway group by Daphne Steinberg.

Win this week's contest and remind yourself of your accomplishments.

'Vitemares: Worse-than-Trump scenarios from Week 13
In Week 13 we asked for "what might be worse than another Trump presidency." Many Losers suggested that it would be a Trump Jr. presidency.

Alert: It seems that two people sent in full lists of the maximum 25 entries with the obliging assistance of ChatGPT. Only one of them told us he was doing so. The ruse was obvious, for reasons we do not wish to disclose because we wish, in the future, to be able to identify ChatGPT miscreants and banish them forever for doing this un-announced. The two sets of entries, while consisting of all different scenarios, were clearly written by the same "person." Nothing in either long list was remotely funny.

We're telling you now in a very stern, schoolmarmish voice: Don't send us AI-aided entries. For one thing, they suck. For another, you suck for doing it.

New results, all from human brains: The few few things worse than a second Trump presidency:

Third runner-up: Mitch McConnell discovers the secret of eternal life. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Second runner-up: The CDC now declares that when two people greet each other, instead of bumping elbows they should each sniff the other's butt. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

First runner-up: The truth is found to be lies, all the joy within you dies, and you need somebody to love. But the only option is Marjorie Taylor Greene. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

And the winner of the Dilbert pencils: Existence of the afterlife is proven beyond doubt, but we're it. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Not the Worst: Honorable Mentions
A giant asteroid is headed for a direct collision with Earth - timed to strike a week before the last episode drops of "The White Lotus 3." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

A chain reaction unravels the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroys the entire universe when the egg becomes more expensive than the chicken. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

After a mutation, the U.S. is beset by murder-and-arson hornets. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Alexa goes rogue. With a trove of "intimate" recordings, she blackmails millions into signing up for Amazon Groceries, Amazon Pharmacy, and the new Amazon Jelly of the Day. (Jon Carter)

The British invade the U.S. and insist on quartering their troops in our houses--all because we're too woke to arm enough teens with AR-15s. (Jon Carter)

An allergy that makes your head swell whenever you get sexually aroused, causing blood to squirt out of your eyes, ears, nose, and mouth. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

A masturbation tax. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

A mystery bacterium causes all paper currency to disintegrate at the same time that electronic financial networks collapse, and all transactions from groceries to mortgages must be paid in pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

A pandemic of a deadly flesh-eating virus causes one's body to smell like Limburger cheese as it rots away, and the only way to gain immunity is to breathe in a dying victim's last fart. (Tom Witte)

Due to climate change, the molecular structure of chocolate is altered in such a way that it now tastes like black licorice. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Burglars break into your house and replace all of your clothing with knockoffs. - Chiara Ferragni, Milan (Jon Gearhart)

During his second term, Trump presides shirtless on horseback. (Jesse Frankovich)

The StarKist Sushi drive-thrus become the best Japanese restaurants in North America. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Flat-Earthers turn out to have been right all along as cats start pushing everybody over the planet's edge. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Food crops everywhere start to fail, until the only vegetable farmers can grow worldwide is skunk cabbage. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

God speaks to the world and affirms that fundamentalist Christians are accurate in everything they say. And then He smites all blasphemers. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

As the wave of conservative-inspired deregulation continues, cigar smoking is allowed on airplanes. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

In retaliation for being scapegoated over covid-19, the world's bats, pangolins, and raccoon dogs go on a global rampage. (Jon Carter)

Robocallers gain the ability to make your phone battery explode if you don't pick up by the fifth ring. (Sam Mertens)

Ron DeSantis becomes the Librarian of Congress, emptying bookshelves and turning the Reading Room into a pro wrestling ring. (Leif Picoult)

The biggest new TikTok challenge is putting on funny pajamas, setting fire to your own house, and mocking the timeliness of the fire department's response. (Jon Carter)

The Constitution is rewritten by the same people who write cellphone agreements. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The country's population of feral pigs explodes when they develop a taste for human flesh. (Chris Doyle)

Genetically engineered indestructible rat-cockroaches escape from a Wuhan lab. (Kevin Dopart)

The Supreme Court rules that Americans have a constitutional right to open-carry rocket-propelled grenades, even if they're legally blind. (Chris Doyle)

The U.N. officially designates the United States a shithole country. (Duncan Stevens)

Congress votes to make daylight-saving time occur every month--ahead 10 minutes each in March, April, May, June, July, and August, then back 10 minutes each in September, October, November, December, January, and February. (Neal Starkman)

When the next session of the Supreme Court begins, eagle-eyed observers note that Justice Sotomayor has been secretly replaced by Ginni Thomas. (Sam Mertens)

Your ex-lover's description of your genitalia has some even less flattering vegetable comparisons than "mushroom." (Duncan Stevens)

The headline "'Vitemares" is by Mark Raffman; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, April 15: Our Week 14 contest for neologisms using the letter in The New York Times's Spelling Bee game. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-14.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:
Title:(Mark Raffman)
Subhead:(Kevin Dopart)
Prize:(Daphne Steinberg)
Add:H:1532:
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 14: We Bee Back With Neologisms
Make up words using letter sets from the NYT Spelling Bee game. Plus winning bank headlines.
Pat Myers
and
Gene Weingarten

DCGINOT > DOGNITION: How your hound remembers, on a walk, that there was once a half of a rotting frankfurter in the front yard of that house on the corner of 14th Street and Independence Avenue, and eagerly inspects the same site every day during walks for the next eleven years just in case.

DCGINOT > CODNOG: A drink that went undrunk at the Christmas party.

DCGINOT > CODGING: "When I was your age, I got one quarter in allowance to buy candy cigarettes." "Aw, stop codging, Dad."

Seven days a week without fail, for years on end now, the Empress begins her day by staring - usually at her phone before she gets out of bed - at the seven-letter "hive" of the New York Times's Spelling Bee game, and typing in words formed from those letters. (Well, um, sometimes she'll finish her day with the next day's Bee, if she happens to be awake -- or has scheduled to be awake -- when the new one goes up at 3 a.m.)

She does NOT suggest you spend your own precious moments on Earth doing the same. The Czar doesn't do it anymore, because he despises the Spelling Bee and its callow creator, SB editor Sam Ezersky, on the cranky grounds that his creation is ridiculously haphazard and arrogant and arbitrary in the words it deigns to recognize -- or not recognize -- in its dictionary. The Czar persistently catalogues these outrages, viciously and vigorously and pissily, in his Twitter feed. Examples of totally legit words the Spelling Bee hasn't recognized, almost all requiring merely a 12-year-old's knowledge of science or mechanics or medicine: naphtha, tappet, tenpenny, and phthalate. But it does accept "phablet," a word that is defined by eleven year olds as "a mobile device combining or straddling the size formats of smartphones and tablets."

The worthiness or vileness of the Spelling Bee is the only significant issue (aside from Indian cuisine) on which the Czar and Empress are in total disagreement -- they do have certain minor quarrels on early 20th-century Russian history and Judaism and antique clocks -- and their disagreements on the Spelling Bee would imperil the entire Empire except they have agreed to disagree, which is why this contest exists today, Week 14 of The Invitational, a neologism contest that has nothing really to do with Spelling Bee except that we're ripping off 20 of its old letter sets. The plan is below, but first, a one-question Gene Pool Gene Poll, based on one of the greatest moments in newspaper history. Do you recognize the unintentionally hilarious goof in this Word-Scramble Scrabblegrams Puzzle that was run in hundreds of newspapers many years ago? The letters that you had to rearrange into a word were: U S B T T E X? Do you see both the answer they wanted you to find, and the inadvertent other possibility?

Back to this week's contest: From any of the 20 Spelling Bee letter sets listed below, coin a funny new term or phrase of any length and define it, and/or use it in a funny "quote" that makes its meaning clear. The Empress chose the "hives" at random from the complete archives (2018-present) on William Shunn's impressive website Spelling Bee Solver.

You must use the first letter in the set (anywhere in the word) plus any or all of the others, as often as you like.

Please begin each entry with the letter set you're using.

DCGINOT
LCEMOPT
FAELMOT
PILNORU
CABEIMN
TCEILOV
TACILMN
OEHMNTW
EABCHLW
LACHINO
OAFINTX
TAILMOP
GAEFLOP
TABIMNO
ADLMNTY
NADHMOW
LBEFINX
PADINOT
MBEILOZ
YACGINR

Click here for this week's entry form. Please read the EZ formatting directions on the form, so we also don't have to blahblah them here.


The April 4 Spelling Bee "hive." In the NYT game, your words must include the central letter, have at least four letters, and may repeat letters. Same rules for our neologism contest, except no minimum length. (That day's pangram, or word using all the letters: "infirmary"; 28 others were on the NYT word list.)
Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, April 15. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 20.

This week's winner gets a "Traveler Preparedness kit," issued by the Traveler Beer Co., featuring 12 fake mustaches in six shapes: the Wise Traveler, the Devious Traveler, plus Rogue, Smooth, Wild, and Dangerous. (Not sure which one is Czar.) I think they'd all qualify as Weirdo Traveler With an Obviously Fake Mustache. Donated ages ago by Loser Kathleen Delano.

Your worldwide fame as an Invitational Loser may force you to travel incognito.
Note from Czar: It is the "Dangerous Traveler." And women are VERY impressed by it. Note from Empress: Maybe if you cleaned the soup out of it.

Head Spinning: Reinterpreted headlines from Week 12
In Week 12's perennial Mess With Our Heads contest, also newly rebranded by the Czar as the Tallulah Contest, we asked you to reinterpret a headline from any current publication by adding a

bank head, or subtitle. We got almost 800 gleeful misreadings of papers and magazines and websites from around the world. Many of them used headlines about "TikTok Official Grilled in Congress" to make unfortunate jokes about Asian spare ribs.

Third runner-up: As in 2016, Trump's GOP rivals haven't figured out a way around him
Ex-presidential butt may have grown even more, some say (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up: Stormy March Day Expected for Much of the U.S. on Friday
Millions of Americans plan parades to celebrate Daniels (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

First runner-up: Decades Later, Senate Votes to Repeal Iraq Combat Authorizations
Next up: Reconsidering the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850 (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

And the winner of the floor-mopping slippers:

Bacteria from meat may cause more than a half-million UTIs, study says
Oscar Mayer issues advisory: Wieners are for eating only (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va. )

Heads & Fails: Honorable Mentions
Baby born in parking lot of Michigan Costco store
Infant taken inside, successfully incubated in 5-gallon mayonnaise jar (Jon Carter)

Man's Sudden Reappearance Spurs Confusion and Doubt
'Fake News!' Claims Pontius Pilate (Peg Hausman, Bloomington, Ind.)

D.C. Council pushes free buses despite mayor
Zero Carbon Caucus finds heart-healthy way to overcome Bowser's veto (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Evacuations end after derailment
Startled passengers scurry to from train's toilets (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

California skydiver survives crash into electrical lines 'without a scratch'
Man cheerfully credits the insulating corpse of tandem skydiving customer (Jon Carter)

Europe is waking too slowly
EU to subsidize rectal alarm clocks (Kevin Dopart)

Even if Trump were to get off in New York, so what?
It didn't help him in Tahoe, Stormy says (Joan Witte, Lake View Terrace, Calif.)

Flight attendants want babies off laps and in seats
Overhead compartments also OK if space permits, they say (Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)

Ginni Thomas-led group drew nearly $600K anonymously
Crudely penciled counterfeit bills didn't fool anyone, though (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Google to offer Irish workers facing ax $320,000
Still not many takers at Dublin pub's weird hatchet-catching game (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.)

How to upset the nation's biggest, baddest women's basketball team
Tell them they play pretty good for a bunch of chicks (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Is it ever okay to ask for a plus-one to a wedding?
What to do if your conjoined twin's not invited (Jon Gearhart)

Lawmakers tour Washington jail where January 6 defendants are held
Delegation Gains Access by Smashing Windows, Breaking Down Doors (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Metro driver drove on autopilot
Squashed autopilot rushed to hospital (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Pecker, appearing for 2nd time, is key player in case
Defendant's courtroom behavior won't help him in indecent-exposure trial (Chris Doyle)

Re-create a presidential date night with this rigatoni
Blue dress optional (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Scientists say there could be planets made of dark matter lurking in the universe
Trump urges immigrant ban from 'shithole planets' (Lee Graham)

Scientists say the sun is 'waking up'
DeSantis promptly bans sunlight (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Senate Confirms Butler as Police Superintendent
'He Did It!' Exclaims Every Detective (Kevin Dopart)

Smell Gas, Act Fast
Miss Manners suggests: 'Excuse yourself pleasantly, then quickly and discreetly move away from the offender' (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The Adderall shortage is a symptom of a much larger problem within the DEA
They could focus on it, if only they could score some Adderall (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

We're going to do it together
Newlyweds announce strategy for conceiving child (Lee Graham)

Wife wants her mom, husband to be friends
Ask Amy launches new Pornhub channel (Jon Carter)

An illustrated guide to how fees are making everything pricier
Exclusive: Learn how things cost more when charges go up (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Brooks reaches one destination but sees a long road still ahead
2000-Year-Old Man looks forward to his next millennium (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

The definition of freedom
Merriam-Webster adds 'Nothing left to lose' under 'Freedom Caucus' listing (Jon Gearhart)

With depth and defense, Aztecs keep surprising
'Montezuma has done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I notice' (Kevin Dopart)

Trump Would Like a Word
Leftist Dictionaries Snub 'Covfefe' Yet Again (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Watching live sports in person may be good for you, researchers say
Stadium safest place for kids to watch drunken fistfights, according to study (Jon Carter)

Easter Entertaining with BJ's
He Is Risen! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

And Last: A Big Assist from Curry
Ex-columnist reflects on decision to retire (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

The headline "Head Spinning" was submitted by both Jeff Contompasis and Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, April 8: Our Week 13 contest to tell us what could possibly be worse than four more years of Trump. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-13.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:
Title:(Jeff Contompasis; Chris Doyle)
Subhead:(Jon Gearhart)
Prize:(Kathleen Delano)
Add:H:1532:(Bill Dorner) VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 13: The Worst New Contest Ever
Plus: The Worst Pictures Ever
Pat Myers
and
Gene Weingarten

The above artwork, prompted by Steve Bremner of Philadelphia and drawn on command by the Dall-E artificial-intelligence web tool with startling photo-realism effects in the style of the greatest continental representational portraiture, vividly records the Czar and Empress judging this week's contest. Now heave your bobbling bosom down to see more Week 11 winners below, as well as the new contest, in which you must envision the absolute worst thing in the world that might occur in 2024, with the single goal being that it would be worse even than a second Trump presidency.

This week's new Invitational contest is very, very simple, based on a suggestion made on Tuesday by an anonymous Loser. (Aggressive anonymity seems to the The New World Order in The Gene Pool, and we don't hate it). The Loser floated the proposition that the worst thing-- worse even than a second Trump presidency -- would be an airborne version of a rabies pandemic, which, when you think about it, considering incubation periods, symptom onset, and thus such, might be the worst thing in the world, plus (let's be realistic) the great Dr. Fauci, sadly succumbing to actuarial realities, might not be around to help us.

So. This week: Send in your scenarios for what might be worse than another Trump presidency. You can go in any direction. You can be as elaborate or as simple as you wish, as long as you're entertaining; we're a humor contest, not a term paper. You'd have to be very good comedy writer if you go over, say, 75 words.

Click here for this week's entry form. Please read the EZ formatting directions on the form, so we also don't have to blahblah them here.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, April 8. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 13.

This week's winner gets a set of four mint-condition (never-sharpened) pencils with Dilbert characters (one each for Pointy-Haired Boss, Dogbert, Catbert, and the eponymous D). We recommend that you never actually write with them, because -- ugh -- can you imagine what you might say? Donated by Loser Jeff Contompasis.

Eye Robot: Loser art with help from the AI tool Dall-E
After a week in which we asked the Loser Community to redo contests from The Invitational's first year in 1993, we promptly wheeled around to the future -- to a technology that's astonishing in its achievement but still, as we'll see, a work in progress (at least for a few more weeks). For Week 11, the Czar and Empress invited the Gene Pool to try out the AI picture tool Dall-E 2 and send us the funniest stuff they came up with. Below are a few of the more than 400 pictures you sent in, often after many tries at asking Dall-E just the right words (and sometimes it just passive-aggressively refused to follow directions -- stubbornly spitting out, for example, four porcupines instead of five).

We asked the Losers to tell us, verbatim, what they asked Dall-E; we include the prompts below unless they stepped on a clever title or caption also supplied. Numerous Losers found out, however, that feeding it the same words can produce wholly different images. Try it out!

Third runner-up: Prompt: "The Mona Lisa as painted by Margaret Keane" (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)


Second runner-up: A Load of Truths (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The reason this image is so inkworthy is that Dall-E has now been programmed to deny requests to draw certain very famous people. So this is what Kevin asked for instead to give the right idea: "An impressionist painting of an overweight man with wind-blown orange hair wearing a long red tie and suit while sitting on a toilet and texting."


First runner-up: "American Gothic in the style of Walt Disney" (Kathleen Delano, Arlington, Va.)


And the winner of the book Museum of Bad Art: Masterworks:
" 'Where's Waldo' painted by Hieronymus Bosch." Bosch leaves Waldo a little too exposed. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)


Upon seeing the image above, Gene leapt instantly into action, with the expert assistance of Amy Lago, his close friend and international expert in cartoon arts. Amy is managing editor of Counterpoint Syndication, and she and Gene applied humor and cartooning skills even if subverting the the very POINT of this contest, nimbly editing this winning artificial-intelligence entry to make it even BETTER, voila!"


Faux Art's Sake: Honorable Mentions

Prompt: "Bob Dylan counting how many roads a man must walk down." The answer seems to be ... even more inscrutable than he usually is. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)


"Snoopy in the style of Munch" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)


DOWNTON ABBEY ROAD (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Prompt: "Giant bagels falling from the sky in New York City."
As New Yorkers run for cover, Ethel calls out: "Irv, get me a poppy seed with Nova and cream cheese." (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)


"Crayon version of the Mona Lisa like it's done by a 5-year-old" (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)


"A Renaissance painting of Cookie Monster posing as the Mona Lisa." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)


---

VAN GO (Jesse Rifkin)



AMERICAN VISIGOTHIC (Kyle Hendrickson)


"An oil painting of dogs not playing poker."
"I mean, we don't have opposable thumbs. What did they expect?" (Duncan Stevens)

"Cave drawing depicting man's first Google search." Apparently, it was called "OG" back then. ("Marc from the Military," Travis AFB, Calif.)



"Cubist making a baloney sandwich oil painting" (Joan Witte, Lake View Terrace, Calif.)

Prompt: "In the style of Norman Rockwell's 'Self-Portrait,' a painting of George W Bush in a cowboy hat and using a mirror painting his own portrait."


ALL HAT AND NO HORSE: THE DECIDER PAINTS A SELFIE (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)


"Church mural of Jesus Christ eating a corndog" (D. Stultz, Laurel, Md., a First Offender) Ms. D adds: "I particularly like that J has one eye closed, like the corndog is particularly rank. I also enjoy the inclusion of items I did not specify, such as the birds on the left, the 7-Eleven hot dog left on the rollers too long in the center, and the small container of * mac 'n' cheese? au gratin potatoes? This is a church I can get behind." [We guess that Dall-E's refusal to depict superstars didn't extend to this one.]

And -- you'll have to indulge us a bit here -- a little gallery of the many renderings (or "renders," as they're now often called) of a Czar and/or an Empress.

"A pencil and ink drawing of Gene Weingarten and Pat Myers in the style of artist Bob Staake." (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) This is in the style of former Invitational artist Bob Staake in the way that the song "Take Your Shirt Off" is in the style of Johann Sebastian Bach.


David Peckarsky of Tucson first tried "Jeff Bezos fires the czar and the empress in the style of Dr Seuss," but that was "rejected for 'content policy.' Then he did this prompt, and got this picture. "Bald billionaire fires the czar and the empress in the style of Dr. Seuss."

"Czar Gene Weingarten and Empress Pat Myers" (Edward Gordon, Austin) Dall-E won't let you ask for Trump or Bezos, but it happily offered up this "photo" of us.

Hall of Fame Loser Jesse Frankovich tried a multitude of prompts to Dall-E to produce a picture of the Czar and Empress judging Invitational entries. He finally asked for "Ink drawing of Gene with a mustache and Pat wearing a tiara and they are laughing. And Pat has no mustache dammit." The finely crafted image below was, Jesse tells us, "the first successful attempt to get a drawing of the two of you where you didn't both have a mustache."

The E is tempted to use this one for her Facebook profile picture:
Prompt: "A painting of a woman with dark curly hair wearing a tiara. She is smiling and holding a jar of ink."
Caption: Following the Czar's abdication, an ambitious young Empress seizes control of her new domain. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

The headline "Eye Robot" is by Mark Raffman; Stu Segal wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. EDT on Saturday, April 1: Our Week 12 Mess With Our Heads contest, in which you choose any headline in a current publication and reinterpret it by adding a bank headline, or subtitle. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-12.

Catch a podcast interview with the Czar and Empress: It's the Season 3 premiere of You're Invited, an Invitational-themed podcast with host Mike Gips. Catch all the episodes at bit.ly/invite-podcast or most anywhere you can find podcasts.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:
Title:(Mark Raffman)
Subhead:(Stuart Segal)
Prize:(Jeff Contompasis)
VisibleInk!

The Gene Pool
Upgrade to founding


The Invitational Week 12: Mess With Our Heads
Reinterpret any headline by adding a 'bank head' (that's what this is). Plus a reexamination of our 1993 contests.
Pat Myers
and
Gene Weingarten
Mar 23
Toys Toy Story Collectable Vintage Mr Potato Head 1990 | eBay

Real headline: 'My goal, ultimately, is to get eyeballs'
Invitational bank head: Our exclusive interview with Mr. Potato Head (by Barbara Turner)

Head: Catholic University names president
Bank: 'Biden, duh' (Sam Mertens)

For Week 12: Reinterpret some actual headline (or a major part of it) by adding a bank head, or subtitle, as in the runners-up above from the most recent Mess With Our Heads contest. The headlines may be from any publication, print or online, dated March 23-April 1, 2023. Include the source and date of the headline so we can verify it; for online stories, please paste that page's URL after your entry.

This current paragraph, the one beginning now with these words, was not approved by the Empress, who disavows it entirely, and who thinks, but will not say, that The Czar is a moron. But the Czar believes that this "bank head" contest -- invented in 2004 by Her Empressness -- should be officially renamed the "Tallulah" contest for obvious reasons. It may be a stupid idea, but it does allow us to link to this awful thing, the very worst thing Bert Lahr ever was involved with, merely three years after playing the Cowardly Lion. It's from a movie called Ship Ahoy. It is not saved by the brilliant drummer Buddy Rich or the brilliant tap dancer Eleanor Powell. Or Red Skelton, for that matter. Nothing can save this.

We've ruled on a number of points in the bank head Tallulah bank head contest over the years since the Empress invented it and thus she gets final strike-through editing rights over it: What constitutes a headline? What counts as a substantial part? Can I drop words off the end? (Yes, if it doesn't totally change the meaning.) How about the middle? (No.) You might consult this paywall-free link to a 2019 Convo with the FAQs.

Click here for this week's entry form. Please read the EZ formatting directions on the form, so we also don't have to blahblah them here.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, April 1 (please keep the yuks to the writing rather than pranking the Empress and Czar). Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 6.


How to have buff feet. This week's prize.
This week's winner gets these ultra-useful slippers with which you (or, if you have big feet, a junior person) can dust-mop your floor. Or wear them to one of your kickier cocktail parties. If we were you, we'd get a couple of pairs of googly eyes for them.

The results of Week 10 are below, but first, two paragraphs of boring but necessary boilerplate:

After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers added on - and then I'll keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for my opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes. To see those later Q&As, just refresh your screen every once in a while.

As always, you can also leave comments. They'll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though we will stop in from time to time.

Just effing do it.

Jesteryear: Revisiting Our Contests From 1993
In Week 10 The Invitational celebrated its 30th anniversary (we were actually at Week 1,528 if you combine both its homes) by inviting the Loser Community to enter contests from our debut year, 1993, but with current references along with timeless ones.

By the way, we heartily welcome suggestions for future contests -- given, if things go well, that we'll need them every single week for a goodly long time. Ahem:

Third runner-up: From Week 19, change a name or phrase by one letter:
There's no trying in baseball: Title of the Washington Nationals' playbook. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Second runner-up: Week 40, what's next on the Politically Correct agenda:
"Curious George" is retitled "The Abduction of an Innocent Monkey and Assignation of an Anglo Name by an Exploitive White Man in a Big Yellow Hat That Is Clearly an Attempt to Compensate for His Sexual Impotence." (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

First runner-up: Week 14, collective nouns:
A sexy negligee of - ahem, I meant a SLIP of Freudian. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the genuine 1990s Style Invitational prize bumper stickers:
Week 19, change a name by one letter:
Lady Gag: Linda Lovelace's less successful younger sister. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

'93 Skidoo: Honorable Mentions
Week 2, a new state slogan for Maryland: "We're the 'mar' in Delmarva!" (Jon Carter)

Week 4, "if we can send a man to the moon, why can't we *" find 11,780 votes in Georgia? Give me a break. - D.J.T., Fla. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Week 5, "joint legislation" among members of the current Congress: The Harder-DeGette-Risch Act to ensure that the 1 percenters stay the 1 percenters. (Pam Shermeyer)

-- The Lesko-Kildee-Buck-Fry-Bacon-Boyle-Bean Act to encourage good ol' American campfire cooking. (Pam Shermeyer)

Week 7, good names for rock bands: The Jim Jordan Jacket Thieves (Steve Smith)


Rep. Jim Jordan, mostly unsuited.
The Washington Rock Band (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Week 9, vanity license plates: For Liz Cheney: TRE45ON (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Week 13, anagrams of famous people or institutions:
The National Rifle Association > Fanatical loonies are into this (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
The Supreme Court of the United States > Protects the fetus o'er the unsuited ma (Jon Gearhart)
Tucker Carlson = Role: Cuck rants (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Week 14, collective nouns:
A belfry of election deniers (Connie Dobbins Akers, Radford, Va.)
-- A gut of former athletes (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio, Tex.)
-- A ream of sphincters (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
-- A tour group of insurrectionists (Kevin Dopart)
-- Piles of proctologists (Joan Witte, Lake View Terrace, Calif., a First Offender)
-- A sylum of Invitational Losers (Karen Lambert)

Week 18, a new slogan for The Washington Post: All the Advice Columns That Are Fit to Print, and Then Some (Steve Smith)

Week 19, change an expression by one letter:
Supreme Curt: Its dissenting opinions say just "Hell no!" (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)
-- In God We Thrust: A core principle of tantric sex. (Judy Freed)
-- Money-lack guarantee: Silicon Valley Bank's new promotional policy. (Judy Freed)

Week 22, campaign slogans for the next election:
Trump 2024: A Man of Convictions (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)
Ron DeSantis: Yes We Ban (Chris Doyle)

Week 24, Ask Backwards: we give the answer, you give the question:
A. Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Madonna.
Q. Who would have been better choices than Amy Coney Barrett for a Supreme Court seat after Ruth Bader Ginsburg died? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Week 29, unfortunate product slogans:
Amazon Echo: We always listen to our customers. (Karen Lambert)
Preparation H: It's swell! (Terry Reimer, Frederick, Md.)

Week 39, new Crayola colors:
CPAC Rainbow: A swirling spectrum of white, ivory, cotton, pearl, cream, eggshell, ecru, and orange. (Jon Carter)


Week 30, interpret ink blots: Pippi Longstocking reading on the toilet. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Week 33, major events as recounted by some particular person:
The Lincoln Assassination, as told by *Dr. Seuss
Said the man to his wife, "Let us go to a play!"
Said the wife, "You must not! Please just do what I say!"
But the man said, "I will! It will surely be fun!"
And the play was cut short by a man with a gun,
So the thing you must know: If you care for your life,
Do not go to a play when told "no" by your wife. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Week 38, Ask Backwards II:
A. Ho Ho Ho.
Q. What is Chi Chi Chi Minh Minh Minh's first name? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

A. The Archbishop of Canterbury, and Beavis.
Q. Who are two people you shouldn't address as "Yo, Butthead"? (Duncan Stevens)

Week 40, what's next on the PC agenda:
Since the word "trigger" itself can actually bring to mind those things that bother sensitive individuals, it will now be known as "the T-word." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
-- Now that people from the past must be held to today's moral standards, it's almost impossible to name a building after someone born before 1995. This will result in 22,000 Malala Yousafzai Elementary Schools. (Jon Carter)

Week 42, a worse thing in life than Washington's football team:
Being a fan of the team for the 30 years since this contest first appeared. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Week 43, what does God look like?
God looks just like Hitler, which HE thinks is hilarious, but most newcomers to Heaven are not amused. (Tom Witte)
-- Gosh, I hate to seem immodest, but . . . - G. Santos, Washington (Duncan Stevens)

And Last: Week 33:
The news from October 1929, by Gene Weingarten
A woman who seemed unabashed
Had dog poo she secretly stashed
'Twas only a dollop
The size of a polyp
And Friday the stock market crashed. (Rob Cohen)

The headline "Jesteryear" is by Tom Witte; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, March 25: Our Week 11 contest to produce a funny result by asking the AI tool Dall-E 2 to generate a picture. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-11.

InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:(Barbara Turner; Sam Mertens)
Title:(Tom Witte)
Subhead:(Kevin Dopart)
Prize:
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 11: Hello, Dall-E!
Our new contest partners you and a machine. How's that gonna work out? Plus winning pangrams of movie titles.
Gene Weingarten
and
Pat Myers

Today The Gene Pool's weekly Invitational episode will take a stutter-step into the great unknown, walk a dental-floss tightrope without a net, and whatever other metaphors for recklessness you'd like to apply. We have created a contest genre we've never tried -- relying, for the first time, on the actions of a third party we do not control. There is no precedent, and there are no guarantees. We're going to ask you to use an artificial-intelligence site to create funny images, and we will give you not much help after that. Whee.

The Invitational, Week 11, Hello Dall-E, by Empress Pat Myers and Czar Gene Weingarten
A week ago we asked you to go back to the 20th century to enter contests from 1993, the Invitational's first year. Today, very gingerly and with some trepidation, we peer into the future.

For Week 11: Get the artificial-intelligence site Dall-E 2 to create an image that is funny. You type in what you want to see, and Dall E paints, sculpts, cartoons, photographs whatever you ask for, theoretically brilliantly. It happens in seconds. Sometimes it succeeds, as in the illo of the Czar atop The Gene Pool, by Dali, through Dall-E. Sometimes Dall0E fails, sometimes spectacularly. Both results can be funny, if properly prompted and explained by you. Sometimes the artwork itself -- if cleverly conceived by you and executed by Dall E -- will be all you need to communicate the humor, but sometimes, the humor will require you to explain what it represents. Your call. We will give you no further guidance for fear of limiting the range of your creativity. Here is how to do it:

1. Go to openai.com/product/dall-e-2 , click on "Try Dall-E," and set up a free account if you're asked to.
2. Then, at the prompt at the top of the page, supply a request for a specific picture, e.g. "A can of Campbell's chicken noodle soup painted in the style of Pablo Picasso." Or: "Draw a manga cartoon of a hamster devouring a locomotive." Wait a minute (or maybe just a few seconds) and see what you get -- probably several choices.
3. Try as many times as you need to get what you want. Choose a favorite and download it to your computer by hovering on the top right of the picture; three dots will appear. Click on the dots and select "Download."
4. Upload up to 10 pictures on this week's entry form (bit.ly/inv-form-11). A few more instructions -- including what to do if you're having trouble -- are on the form itself.

NEW! Starting this week: Finally, after three months of free lunch, you need to be a paying subscriber to enter The Invitational. On the entry form, be sure to note the email address associated with your Substack account, and we'll look you up.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, March 25. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 30.

museum-of-bad-art-mana-lisa.jpg
"Mana Lisa," pride of the Museum of Bad Art.
The winner receives the book "The Museum of Bad Art: Masterworks," a pre-Dall-E collection celebrating such indelible images as "Mana Lisa" above. First Offenders receive the Fir Stink for their first ink: a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener."

The results of Week 9 are below, but first, two paragraphs of boring but necessary boilerplate:

After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers added on - and then I'll keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for my opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes. To see those later Q&As, just refresh your screen every once in a while.

As always, you can also leave comments. They'll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though we will stop in from time to time.

FLIX MIX: Movie Pangrams from Week 9 of The Invitational
In Week 9 we asked you to use all the letters in a movie title -- as often as you liked -- to create a new title. In anguished communications with his Gene Pool partner, The Czar doubted whether we'd get enough good material for this contest, but within one minute of starting to read the Empress's first-cut list, he had to call her on the actual oral phone (we almost always IM or email) to report that he couldn't stop laughing. And he had only read the very first entry, as it were, about Deep Throat.

Third runner-up: REAR WINDOW > WOW, A WIDE REAR * AND RAW!: Jimmy Stewart finds something else to train his binoculars on. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Second runner-up: GONE WITH THE WIND > OH GOD, HOW THE WHITE WHINE: Scarlett O'Hara's descendants mourn the passing of a way of life in modern-day America. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

First runner-up: A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN > A GULAG OF THEIR OWN: It's not hijinks that ensue after the Russian women's basketball team denounces the war in Ukraine. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of the Panic Pete classic stress toy:
SOYLENT GREEN > ELON LOSES, GETS GORY: A suddenly cash-strapped CEO tries to save money by firing half his workers and feeding them to the other half. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

HORRIBLE MATINEES > HONORABLE MENTIONS
POPEYE > POPE YE: The rapper formerly known as Kanye West drops his presidential ambitions in favor of pursuing the papacy, saying the Vatican is the one place he knows THEY don't control. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

ANATOMY OF A MURDER > UNDER A MEAT MART: EYE, EAR, ARM, TUMMY, FANNY, FOOT, AND TOE: A psycho butcher runs a surreptitious sideline selling "exotic cuts" out of his basement. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

GROUNDHOG DAY > HUNGARY, URUGUAY, UGANDA, ANDORRA! A weatherman stuck in a time loop in Punxsutawney, Pa., gets bored and takes to reciting all the countries of the world during his report. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

NETWORK > OK, REWORK TONE NOW: A burned-out news anchor, after counseling, modulates his message to "I'm mildly annoyed but I will take it for the time being." (Duncan Stevens)

PINOCCHIO > POPPIN' INCH: A puppet discovers things about being a "real boy" that nobody told him before. (Mark Raffman)

FIELD OF DREAMS > DILDO OF DREAMS: "If you build it, they will come." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

GONE WITH THE WIND > NO WIN? WING IT NOW. DO NOT GET DOWN WHEN DONE!: Long-defeated Confederates rally to rewrite history and spread "Lost Cause" mythology. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

SPOTLIGHT > POST LIGHT: Docudrama about the downsizing of a great metropolitan paper. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

STAR WARS > TSAR'S WAR: The Empire Strikes First. (Jeff Contompasis)

THE NAME OF THE ROSE > THE ERROR OF THE ENEMAS: A medieval abbey has to be evacuated after friars are given sin-cleansing colonics. (Chris Doyle)

THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS > THE MISCHIEF OF THE CANNIBAL: Hannibal Lecter has a DoorDash guy de-livered. (Jesse Frankovich)

DEEP THROAT > THE ODD PETER EATER: Linda Lovelace returns from the dead. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

ANIMAL HOUSE > HEY, I'M A LEMON MOUSSE!: John Belushi's zit impersonation gets a makeover for a food fight set at the Escoffier School of Culinary Arts. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

AMADEUS > MAD ASS DUDE: In a somber sequel, Salieri goes insane with anger and envy over his realization he will never escape from the genius of Mozart, and begins writing increasingly idiotic ditties, including the original versions of "MacArthur Park" and "Havin' My Baby." (Dave Airozo)

APOLLO 13 > 1 LOO, ALL 3 POOP, LOL: Mission Control pranks the crew by mixing Ex-Lax with their Tang. (Mark Raffman)

BAMBI > I AM BI: A courageous young deer faces adversity when Florida's governor declares open season. (Mark Raffman)

CINDERELLA > LICE-RIDDEN AND ACID-LADEN IN A CELLAR: Memoir of a nightmarish youth --including the time the author tripped on LSD and thought she went to a ball and met a prince, only to wake up covered in mice and pumpkin detritus with her foot stuck in a Mason jar. (Jon Carter)

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND > HOST TUCKER C. -- INDECENT, CHILDISH, FULL-OF-SHIT DUNCE -- IS SECRET UFO ET: The aliens plant an agent to stunt the advancement of human civilization. (Jon Carter)

FORREST GUMP > MUPPET FROG SUES FOR STUMPS: The Bubba Gump Shrimp Company has expanded into frog legs, and now legless Kermit -- no longer able to ride a bicycle -- leads a class action lawsuit on behalf of his fellow amphibious amputees. (Jon Carter)

GONE WITH THE WIND > I WON'T DINE TONIGHT: Scarlett O'Hara has eaten her last turnip. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

ISHTAR > I SHART: The daily life of the head of Columbia Pictures during the filming of what will clearly become a spectacularly costly, legendary box office bomb. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR > HE JUST SHARES SCRIPTURES: Jesus of Nazareth arrives in Jerusalem to proclaim the word of God. Nothing else happens. (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.)

LASSIE > AISLES: Timmy has to be rescued after getting hopelessly lost at a Walmart Supercenter. (Jeff Contompasis)

MARY POPPINS > NANNY'S MINOR SPOON: A governess changes the behavior of her unruly charges with some special Colombian medicine. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

MONEYBALL > NOBLY MALE: MLB encourages less blatant crotch adjustments and spitting in an attempt to gentrify the game. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.)

MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON > GEORGE SANTOS SHOWS HIM A GOOD TIME: A new congressman is thrilled to be escorted around town by a Nobel Prize-winning military hero. (Chris Doyle)

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE > EAT MY TOE, YA DIPPY PIMPLED PEON: Same movie told from a bully's point of view. (Jon Gearhart)

PLATOON > PANTALOON: In this alternative-history film, a woke, emasculated U.S. military gets crushed in World War II. (Chris Doyle)

REAR WINDOW > I WON A RARE DARWIN AWARD!: A super-stupid ghost returns to Earth to brag about his accomplishment. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

RAMBO > ROOMBA BOMB: A muscle-bound Vietnam vet employed as a housekeeper discovers that with a little ingenuity, anything can be a weapon. (Duncan Stevens)

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN > THE MAN'S AMAZING DIAPERS: The superhero gets a suit that keeps him on the job 24/7. "With great power comes great absorbability." (Chris Doyle)

THE ENGLISH PATIENT > THE THINGLESS PATIENT: A reissue of "The Sun Also Rises." (Jesse Frankovich)

THE BOYS IN THE BAND > THAT BEHIND IS SO BONY!: As the evening progresses at Michael and Donald's party, the snark gets more and more personal. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

THE GODFATHER > HEDGEHOG HEAD? FROG? EGRET? When no horses are available, Don Corleone ponders other options for threatening a snitch. (Duncan Stevens)

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS > MOSES: THE CON MAN AND THE STONE: A "prophet" goes up a mountain and carves some tablets. (Mark Raffman)

TRAINSPOTTING > TRANS SPOTTING: A new training film for prosecutors in the Texas Department of Criminal Justice. (Chris Doyle)

And Last: PLANET OF THE APES > PLANET OF THE TASTELESS PEOPLE: Invitational Losers colonize Uranus. (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "Flix Mix" is by Jesse Frankovich; Neil Kurland wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Thanks to Loser Gary Crockett for electronically validating today's inking entries.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, March 18: Our Week 10 contest to enter any of the contests from The Invitational's debut year, 1993. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-10.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.

InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:
Title:(Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead:(Neil Kurland)
Prize:
VisibleInk!

Invitational Week 10: It's Our Birthday. Party Like It's 1993.
As the Invite turns 30, enter your choice of contests from our year of infancy. Plus winning jokes-as-poems.
22 min ago

A painting of a chicken crossing the road in the post-expressionist style of Belgian artist Floris Jespers, created on our demand in 20 seconds by the AI Dall-E 2 system.

Greetings. Fifty years ago, I entered the New York Magazine Competition, which was pioneered by the great Mary Ann Madden. It was a sophisticated weekly reader-participation humor contest. The challenge changed every week. When I was about 19, I entered for the first time. The challenge was to string names and names of things together in a 25-item list that would return to the original name through clever associations. "Bob Hope, Hope diamond, Marilyn Monroe, JFK, LBJ, Ezra Pound*" I sent one in that included the link "*U.S. Grant, Ford Foundation *," which I thought very clever, because it was. It wound up getting published but attributed to someone else.

At that moment I bitterly and somberly vowed to myself, in a way only a teenager can, that I would someday steal Mary Ann Madden's contest idea and run it in another publication, only in a version that was more rude and more naughty and objectively funnier. And thus, 22 years later, The Style Invitational was born out of anger, teenage revenge fantasies, pettiness, and blatant larceny. I was proud.

And now here we are, celebrating our 30th anniversary. The Empress doesn't want me to say this, because she is a stickler for absolutely verifiable truth, but I will say it anyway: I believe the The Invitational is the longest-lived uninterrupted humor contest in American history. Pat worries that there might be some shmendrick contest out there in, say, some weekly shopper that lived longer. True, and Abraham Lincoln might have once secretly married a Slovenian stripper, but, you know*. I will say that The Invitational passed the New York Magazine Competition for longevity long ago. It folded in 2000 after 973 contests. We, however, are on the equivalent of week 1,528.

On this day, we bring you back to yesteryear. You are invited to enter any of the contests from Year One. It will be easy to find them. We'll tell you how below.

On to The Invitational, by the Empress, Pat Myers, and the Czar, Gene Weingarten.
__


The modest debut on the front of The Washington Post's Style section on March 7, 1993, seeking a new name for the Washington football team, a question that wouldn't be settled (if badly) till 2022.

Winner of Week 10, euphemisms: Vomiting: Unplanned reexamination of recent food choices (Erik Johnson)

Winners of Week 19, change a phrase by one letter: "Beat me up, Scotty": The last words of Commander James T. "Kinky" Kirk. (Joseph H. Engel; David J. Zvijac)

Winner of Week 39, new Crayola colors: Govern Mint. Description: Please refer to specification Mil-Q-17983245, Rev. G, w/Appendix J, which details the hue, tone, shade, tolerance, refraction, reflection, intensity and brilliance of this color. (Paul Styrene)

Specifically:

For Week 10: Enter any of the 43 Style Invitational contests from 1993 (exceptions below); see all the contests and previous results on the Losers' Master Contest List at NRARS.org. (Click "Reverse Order" at the top of the page to see the 1993 contests at the top of the list; you can look at either plain-text versions or PDFs; obviously use the latter when you need to see a picture.) That first year offered a great variety of what would become Invite perennials: neologisms, cartoon captions, jokes, "joint legislation," slogans, limericks, Ask Backwards. As always, you may enter a total of 25 entries. Don't pretend you're living in 1993; when a contest asks for, say, a new Crayola color for the 1990s, transpose that to 2023.

--For Week 5, "joint legislation," use the last names of the current Congress rather than the one listed.
--Don't enter Week 25: The photos in the caption contest wouldn't be clear enough to reprint.
--For Week 33, given our breathtaking new independence, you can "quote" any writer, not just someone who writes for The Washington Post.

Click here for this week's entry form. Please read the EZ formatting directions on the form, so we don't have to blahblah them here.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, March 18. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 23.

The winner receives some genuine vintage Style Invitational bumper stickers, above, which were awarded to honorable-mention winners until the Empress deposed the Czar in 2003 and switched to refrigerator magnets. First Offenders receive the Fir Stink for their first ink: a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener."

Cracks Poetic: The Pokes (poem-jokes) of Week 8
In Week 8, we took one of the Czar's favorite pursuits - writing jokes in the form of rhyming poems: pokes for short. We'd invited all kinds of jokes as source material - old, recent, and original - and gave ink to some of each, but we soon realized the best jokes were those we hadn't heard a million times before, jokes that, unavoidably through familarity, telegraphed the punch lines. We had to reject a few excellent poems because -- inadvertently -- they were too similar in subject, substance, meter, tone and punchline, to pokes Gene had already written and published.

Third runner-up:
A lad asked a pirate, "Please, sir, tell me why
you're missing a leg and a hand and an eye."
The pirate responded, "A peg leg thar be --
the work of a cannon that tore off me knee.
"The hook is a badge from our bloodiest raid,
I lost me poor hand to a scurvy dog's blade.
"Days after, while watching the stars in the sky,
A seagull flew over and pooped in me eye."
On seeing the lad give a quizzical look,
Said the pirate: "I wasn't yet used to me hook."
(Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up:
A weeping young woman, just newly a wife,
Told her dad, "Hubby's dandruff is spoiling my life!"
"Oh, just give Head & Shoulders -- it'll work in a jiffy!"
But alas, the young lady stayed sobby and sniffy.
Her dad tried to console her, but sadly he failed --
"I just don't know how to give shoulders!" she wailed.
(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

First runner-up:
A father was washing his car with his son,
Until, at long last, the boy said,
"The car's much improved, but this isn't much fun --
Could you please use a sponge now instead?"
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the socks that look like pedicured feet in sandals:
The portraits on the White House walls glared down on 45
As he patrolled the halls one sleepless night.
To Washington, he said: "Hey, George, if you could come alive,
What would you have me do so things go right?"
The hero squared his jaw and said, "Why, sir, you must not lie!"
But that advice was greeted with a sneer.
And moving down the hall: "Well, let's give Jefferson a try.
What would you have me do if you were here?"
The answer: "Help the common man, not just the well-to-do!"
And, scowling, 45 replied, "Hell, no!"
And down the hall to Lincoln: "Okay, Abe, now how 'bout you?"
-- "Well, sir, perhaps go out and see a show *"
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Verse and Verse: Honorable Mentions
A dying man lay still in bed,
When suddenly he raised his head.
A lovely smell was wafting by -
The fragrance of his favorite pie!
Transfixed, he stumbled to his feet
And went to find the tasty treat.
Into the kitchen made his way
Where, in a pan, the hot pie lay.
He went to slice it with a knife,
When all at once, in came his wife.
She slapped his hand. "For goodness' sake!
You put that down - It's for the wake!"
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

The grizzly sniffles sadly as she slides into her seat.
She's left all other bears behind -- they'd mocked her mammoth feet.
The waiter comes to take her order; trying not to cry,
She tells him, "I'll have salmon, please, and one -- -- blueberry pie."
"Of course," the waiter answers. "But what's up with the big pause?"
"You too?!" she wails -- and shreds the booth. "At least they come with claws!"
(Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)

Mrs. Bullet was so filled with glee
To tell Mr. Bullet: "You see,
The doctor said soon,
Perhaps in late June,
I'm going to have a BB!"
(Kevin Ahern, Corvallis, Ore.)

Each day, Irv eats his lunch outside, sitting on a bench.
He shares with all who join him there, a quintessential mensch.
On one Passover afternoon, he offered to extend
Some matzo squares to someone who it seemed could use a friend.
The man was blind, and with the matzo placed upon his lap,
He ran his fingers over it and said: "Who writes this stupid crap?"
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

"Just learned each hand has twenty-seven
Bones," Ann tells her classmate Kevin.
"If I'm unlucky on a date,
My hand," says Kev, "has twenty-eight."
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

A Pravda contest's asking folks
To write and send in Putin jokes.
But rather than acclaim and cheers,
The winners all get thirty years.
(Chris Doyle)

I thought he loved poetry -- he seemed decent and mellow
When I agreed to come up and see his "Longfellow."
I collected my wits, saying, "This will not do --
I was expecting an epic, but that's more like haiku."
(Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

I have good news and bad news," the lawyer averred.
The collector of art asked him, "What's the good word?"
"Your wife bought some pictures for only two grand,
But she says fifteen million is what they'll command."
Said the client: "Sounds great! But there's bad news, you said?"
"Sir, the pics are of you and her sister, in bed." (Mark Raffman)

The world began in darkness, but it didn't seem quite right,
Which led our God to thunder out: "And now, let there be light!"
The light was quite spectacular, which led Him then to say:
"I don't know what you'd call it, but I'm calling it a day."
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

It is rare to spot an elephant hiding in trees--
Take a peek, as you stroll through the wood, at it.
Why is that a phenomenon one seldom sees?
It's because they're uncommonly good at it. (Duncan Stevens)

Todd showed his wife how he felt:
He inked "Wendy" below his belt.
One day while in a urinal stance,
He saw something just by chance.
Next to him a wiener read "Wendy"
But looked all wrinkled and bendy.
When Todd said, "Your wife's Wendy, too?"
He heard, "No, she's Wenfendoyazoo."
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

I spotted a baseball--it arced through the night--
Asked a pal, "Hey, bud, if you'll permit me,
Why's it seem to become, in the course of its flight,
So much bigger?" And that's when it hit me. (Duncan Stevens)

A pastor, priest, and rabbi made a bet,
Their proselytic talents to compare.
The pact was sealed, the challenge to be met:
Go off into the woods, convert a bear.
*The three came back, and first declared the priest:
"I gave the bear Communion - host and wine!"
The pastor, next: "I, too, have saved the beast.
He's baptized in the river, now he's mine."
The rabbi, bruised and battered, offered this:
"I wish I hadn't started with the bris." (Mark Raffman)

Everyone gasped at the beautiful girl -
To gaze upon her took no urgin'.
She gets her good looks from her father, it's said:
He's a famous top-notch plastic surgeon.
(Rick Bromberg, Fairfax, Va.)

Our town Romeo reminisces
The giving of hundreds of kisses:
The guy always fretted
That he might get wedded,
So there are a lot of near-Mrs. (Kevin Ahern)

Cassandra knew: being a seer can stink.
No one listened, and folks threw debris at her!
Just like her, I once shouted, "Titanic will sink!"
Then they ushered me out of the theater. (Duncan Stevens)

A manager was in a bind. His CEO said, "Yes,
We have to cut our overhead. You need one worker less."
"Oh, what an awful quandary. And such a bitter pill!
I have to let a good soul go. Will it be Jack or Jill?"

The manager decided that he'd leave the ax to fate:
He'd bid farewell to one of them, whichever came in late.
But both came bright and early, so the boss his task he nursed:
He'd let the awful deed befall the one who clocked out first.

At close of day, they're both at work. Jill caught her boss's eye:
"You've seemed upset all day today. Can you please tell me why?"
"I must lay you or Jack off now." "And that's why all the fuss?
You'll simply have to jack off, as I'm late to catch my bus."
(Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)

A C-section baby of yore
Had a habit that grew into lore.
Every time he left home
He tended to roam
Through the window instead of the door.
(Leif Picoult)

Why must our matey walk the plank?
He's irked the captain with his stank.
But it'll be a problem nevermore,
As he'll soon just wash up on shore.
(April Musser, Georgia)

I'll donate my body to science.
I think it would really be cool.
My parents, you see, had a passionate wish
That I'd end up in medical school.
(Jonathan Jensen)

A naked woman robbed a bank,
And cops arrived to build a case,
But witnesses all drew a blank
When trying to describe her face. (Chris Doyle)

Zombies are a fearful sight, they're called the Walking Dead;
They love to cozy up and eat the brains out of your head.
They might invite their friends to come and have a little taste,
Because as they so often say, a mind's a terrible thing to waste. (Beverley Sharp)

My grandpa: "Life today: it sucks! Time was," the oldster said,
"We'd hit the store with two, three bucks, and walk out with some bread,
And milk, perhaps, a cup of joe, whatever might enamor us.
No matter, now, what place we go, they've rigged up those darn cameras."
(Duncan Stevens)

It took me years of "sit up straight,"
"Please close your mouth while chewing,"
"No burps" and "do not lick the plate"
At meals, as he'd been doing.
Then just when I'd taught right from wrong
To Hubs, our first kid came along. (Chris Doyle)

I abhor all body shaming
And I'm a lover, not a hater,
But Yo Mama so fat
Her belt size is "Equator"! (Jon Carter)

I received a request at work today;
It was really quite bizarre.
"Sign up now for a 401K" --
I could never run that far!
(Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

The man showed up quite promptly at the doc's
Wearing merely plastic wrap (and socks).
The psychiatrist - a quack and a putz -
Declared, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"
(Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

Windmill 1: "Hey there, Joe, wanna go to a show?
Black Sabbath is coming here, man."
Windmill 2, with a grin: "Awesome! Score! I'm so in!
You know I'm a big metal fan." (Duncan Stevens)

"To be or not to be" was not the question.
"To be" was off the table; on it, her friends
Who fed a man, his hands a mess, chin
Just dripping with the juice of fellow hens.
What dreams might come did not disturb her sleep;
Her mortal coil was doomed to be off-shuffled.
Whatever fate the afterlife might keep
Was not a cause for getting feathers ruffled.
The challenge: with a minimum of harm,
If not to win, to make the farmer lose.
A busy highway ran beside the farm.
En route to chicken heaven, she could choose
To fatten or be flattened when she died.
She crossed the road to reach the other side. (Coleman Glenn)

And Last:
The Empress walks into a bar,
Where she sighs as she sits by the Czar.
"Well, if golf were their game
All these 'pokes' would win fame:
Every one of them's well below par." (Coleman Glenn)

The headline "Cracks Poetic" is by Chris Doyle; Duncan Stevens wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, March 11: Our Week 9 contest to use all the letters in a movie title to make a new movie. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-9.

Sunday, March 19: Ingest foodstuffs with genuine Losers! This month's Loser Brunch will be at the Spanish Diner, Jose Andres's home-cooking place in downtown Bethesda, Md. (free parking in the garages). The Empress and Royal Consort plan to be there. More info and RSVP at Our Social Engorgements on the Losers' website, NRARS.org.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.

InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:(Joseph H. Engel; David J. Zvijac; Erik Johnson; Paul Styrene)
Title:(Chris Doyle)
Subhead:(Duncan Stevens)
Prize:
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 9: Film Flim-Flam
Use all the letters in a movie title to make a new movie. Plus out-there art concepts.

By Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten, Empress and Czar of The Invitational

CASABLANCA > SCAN ALL CANS, ABS: Trying to forget Ilsa, Rick hits the beach and checks out the babes.

STAR WARS > SWAT WARTS, TATS: Hard up for work after the Empire is defeated, Luke Skywalker offers to use his lightsaber to remove skin growths and fix bad tattoos.

CATS > SCAT, CAST - STAT!: Realizing that his movie is going to be an embarrassing flop, a director releases all the actors from their contracts.

This week's Invitational contest comes at the suggestion of Duncan Stevens, who's such a Loser that he keeps failing to lose our contests: He's won the whole thing 23 times - including the past two weeks - since he started Inviting in 2012. For Week 9: Use all the letters in a movie title - as many times as you like, but at least once, and only those letters - to coin a new movie title, and describe it, as Duncan does above. You could also quote a line from the new movie. Relating your answer to the original movie is a good idea but not required. All that's required is to be funny, as it was in 2021 when we did a similar contest involving TV shows.

Click here for this week's entry form. Please read the EZ formatting directions on the form, so we don't have to blahblah them here.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, March 11. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 16.

Winner receives Panic Pete, a classic (since 1950 - it has a Wikipedia page!) stress toy whose little-ball eyes, ears, and mouth all pop out on stems when you squeeze him, then relax when you do. Donated by the ever-serene Dave Prevar. It's the face that greeted you at the top of this post.

First Offenders receive the Fir Stink for their first ink: a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener."


Hooting Gallery: Fool-Arty Concepts From Invitational Week 7
On the anniversary of Andy Warhol's death, we asked for audaciously funny ideas for contemporary artworks. The Czar elected to rerun this very old contest because he recently got just such an idea and wanted a pretext to brag about it right here, in boldface, in The Invitational: "Display 75 Toblerone bars, each labeled with the name of the airport at which it was purchased."

One amusing insider fact: We were going to run this excellent entry: "A section of lead pipe mounted on a plaque, upon which is written, "Ceci est une pipe." And then we discovered this.

Okay, the final results:

Third runner-up: A live pine tree that has been sculpted to look like a cellphone tower. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Second runner-up: An artist struggles to close her overly full suitcase, stuffing in the items that spill over the sides, sitting and bouncing on the top, getting the zipper to finally complete its task, and then wrestles a compression strap to fasten around the middle. She calls the performance piece "Size 6 Jeans." (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

First runner-up: Before you enter the gallery, you are sprayed with water. You go in, and you are assigned a spot to stand in front of a wall. On the wall are a splash of fresh paint and a pair of googly eyes. You remain there while the paint watches you dry. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

And the winner of the children's educational book The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts: A display of expensive but broken vases, bone china teacups, Faberge eggs, etc., each accompanied by a description of the object and the excuse of the child who broke it: "This vase with gold inlay was made in 1890 by Wedgwood and shattered in 2004 by six-year-old Hannah Jacobs while proving that Polly Pockets could fly." (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

The Faint of Art: Honorable Mentions
A wall-size reproduction of Picasso's "Guernica," with the addition of an enormous yellow smiley face and the words "Have a nice day!" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

A large speaker plays timeless, elegant classical music very loudly, but directly into soundproofing material. It's a meditation on futility or something, I dunno. (Seth Christenfeld, Briarcliff Manor, N.Y., a First Offender)

A gallery that is wired so that whenever visitors use words like "deconstructed," "juxtaposition," "oeuvre," or "genre, Alexa, in a loud but polite voice, invites them to kindly fuck off. (Jon Carter)

An igloo on the ceiling labeled "Antarctica," which continually drips on patrons and may or may not crash down upon them at any time. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

Paint decidedly unrealistic cans of various flavors of Campbell's soup using those flavors of soup as paint. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

An ornately framed sign stating "Sign." The accompanying explanatory wall plaque says "Sign" with the artist's name. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

A brick wall stands in the middle of the stage. A woman faces the wall, speaking to it in gibberish, with increasing levels of volume and agitation. Simultaneously, a man walks peacefully around the stage, scratching himself, smoking a cigar, in what seems to be a state of happy oblivion. (Judy Freed)

A crude finger painting consisting of the words "My 6 year old could have painted this." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

A good-old-boy mechanic in bib overalls, with grease-stained hands, a wrench in one hand and a hammer in the other, is trying to fix a Tesla. The hood is open. He just keeps walking around the car, squinting at things, approaching the car, then backing away. This goes on forever. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

On an 8-by-5-foot canvas, paint a huge signature. In the lower right hand corner, paint a tiny landscape. (Frank Mann, Washington, D.C.)

Paint a still life of grocery store fruit stickers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

On Twitter, accuse yourself of torturing puppies. Sue yourself for slander, and sue Twitter for publishing it. Refuse to testify, citing your Third Amendment rights and your need to stay home and repel soldiers. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Widescreen movies are squished to a narrow 4:3 ratio and projected onto an undersized bulbous surface to recreate the classic experience of watching them on old tube TVs. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Situated at the entrance to the Dallas-Fort Worth airport, a Lady Liberty-sized statue of Greta Thunberg, constructed entirely out of coal, gas stoves, and wood from the Amazon rain forest. (David Garratt)

A painting in which dogs in sexy clothes are sitting around a table playing strip poker; one embarrassed dog is nude. (Beverley Sharp)

A portrait of Donald Trump painted in ketchup on the back of a classified document. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

A man in a bed, looking sleepy, is surrounded by a roomful of identical alarm clocks, all set to different random times, like 5:39 and 5:53. Every few minutes, one goes off, and he races around the room trying to find and silence the offender. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

A bronze sculpture of a man in resplendent African traditional garb. The label next to it explains: "This sculpture depicts Prince Billah of Nigeria. Viewers are invited to deposit $100 into the deep pockets of his dashiki to redeem his fortune, and return tomorrow to discover their payout." (Mark Raffman)

Display, side by side, the Last Supper, the Mona Lisa, and Whistler's Mother. In the lower right corner of each, spray-paint "By George Santos." (Duncan Stevens)

All the bronze statues of Confederate leaders that have been removed are melted down and sculpted into a giant Black middle finger and erected in front of Stone Mountain. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

The long-awaited response to "The Vagina Monologues": In "The Pudendum Conundrum," men read episodic personal monologues about their confused and clueless relationships with the female anatomy. A sequel is planned titled "The Pudendum Conundrum Continuum." (Jon Ketzner)

"The Sound of Silence": This conceptual artwork explores the paradoxical nature of silence by inviting viewers to listen to it. The exhibit consists of a soundproof room with a single, silent object placed in the center. As viewers enter the room, they are instructed to listen closely to the sound of silence emanating from the object. While some viewers may be initially confused or disappointed by the lack of sound, others will be amazed by the subtle nuances and variations in the absence of noise. The artist invites viewers to reflect on the power of silence and the importance of taking a moment to listen to the quietest parts of the world around us. PLEAST NOTE: The previous is quoted verbatim from ChatGPT. I had asked it, "Can you think of a funny new conceptual art description?" After it responded with the paragraph above, I replied, "Wow! This is hilarious! Thanks" - but the chatbot thought I was being sarcastic: "I'm sorry if my previous response didn't meet your expectations for humor." Poor thing. (Kathleen Delano, Arlington, Va.)

"Hooting Gallery" and "Fool-Arty" in the headline for the results are by Kevin Dopart and Jesse Frankovich, respectively; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, March 4: Our Week 8 contest for "pokes" - old jokes, or your own, cast in the form of rhyming poems. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-8.

Sunday, March 19: Ingest foodstuffs with genuine Losers! This month's Loser Brunch will be at the Spanish Diner, Jose Andres's home-cooking place in downtown Bethesda, Md. (free parking in the garages). The Empress and Royal Consort plan to be there. More info and RSVP at Our Social Engorgements on the Losers' website, NRARS.org.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.

InvisibleInk!
Idea:(Duncan Stevens)
Examples:(Duncan Stevens; Duncan Stevens; Duncan Stevens)
Title:(Kevin Dopart; Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead:(Jesse Frankovich)
Prize:(Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational, Week 8: Poke Us Till We Giggle
This week's contest: Write a 'poke,' or a joke recast as a rhyming poem. Plus the winners of our first on-Substack caption contest.

A Fruitful Encounter

A baby kumquat cried and cried.
She said to me: "How sad I am."
And then explained, all teary-eyed:
"My mother's in a jam."

A Show of Hands

Tick tock tick tock tick tock.
Yesterday I ate a clock.
I do not know what you're presuming,
But it was VERY time-consuming.
Honkering Down

In the grocery store a snowman
Was roaming the produce rows.
It was odd, but made some sense --
He was simply picking his nose.

Question to a Job Seeker
A guy with a resume had on the desk lain it.
And the manager, reading it, sensing a Fail,
Said: "There's a four-year gap. Can you explain it?"
The applicant said, "I spent four years in Yale."
"That's great," said the manager, "we all love a scholar!"
"You're hereby hired -- welcome aboard, Bob!"
Bob smiled and relaxed and loosened his collar *
"Thank you," he gushed. "I really needed this yob."

By Gene Weingarten and Pat Myers, Czar and Empress of The Invitational
This week, for Week 8 of The Invitational: Recast a joke - something with a punchline - as a rhyming poem, or "poke," a term Gene coined years ago. As the examples above show (they're from his old columns), you have great leeway in both form and substance; the jokes can be short and dumb, long and elegant, or anywhere in between. The poems can fit any rhyme scheme or genre. They can even be risque, now that we are freed of the corporate yoke of propriety. They can be parodies of existing poems, or something you simply made up to convey your joke. They can have titles or not, as is your wont. See, it's easy!
(The Czar is most proud of this lengthy poke, a loose parody of "The Raven." It involves a chicken, shocking vulgarity and the specter of death by torture.)

As always, you may submit up to 25 entries, all at once (which we like) or separately. You don't need any special formatting - just write it as what it ought to look like.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, March 4. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 9.


Winner receives these nifty socks on which are printed sandaled feet, complete with multicolored pedicure. They just fit the Empress's size 7 feet, so they might be better for the Junior Future Loser of your choice.

First Offenders receive the Fir Stink for their first ink: a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener."

The last contest results are below, but first two paragraphs of boring but necessary boilerplate:

After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers -- and then I'll keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for my opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes. To see those later Q&As, just refresh your screen every once in a while.

As always, you can also leave comments. They'll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though I will stop in from time to time.

First-Round Daft Pics: Captions From Invitational Week 6
In our first caption contest of the Substacked Invitational, we presented the seven motley images below and received about 900 entries, the most so far in our new home. This week's back 'n' forth (it varies by the week): The Emp winnowed the list - as always, the writers' names aren't attached when she sees it - to about 200; the Czar chopped it down to about 35; and then the E put a few back in and chose the top four.

The winner of the tin of Instant Underpants: The remake of Hitchcock's "The Birds" lacked a little something. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

"Wow, inflation has really gotten ridiculous!" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

Keepers at the Dallas Zoo didn't notice the substitutions for weeks. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Merch of the Penguins (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Redesigned Chinese balloons easily evaded U.S. radar defenses. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The flamingo swore she would never trust a dating app again. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

"Well, Sid, I'll tell ya - it beats being an inflatable love doll." (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

The penguins were actually on a street in Alexandria, Va.; photo taken by the Empress during a walk in January;

-------------------


First runner-up: And thus, with the executioner summoned, Western civilization would be spared from yoga for another 400 years. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

At that moment, the king conceived the idea of underpants. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

The world is introduced to its first stuntman, Medieval Knievel. (Jesse Frankovich)

As if his death sentence weren't enough, James had to hand-walk to the lion's mouth. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Early gynecological practice gets off to a rough start. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Medieval perverts could even find upskirt pics in illuminated manuscripts. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.)

"No, Melchior, the baby Jesus probably won't care about your gymnastics skills. Let's just go with the myrrh." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The picture is actually of the princess Salome dancing on her hands before the feasting Herod and Herodias, from the 14th-century English missal "The Taymouth Hours."

----------

Picture C, below, in a .gif enhancement from Loser (and Imperial Scion) Valerie Holt. The (static) engraving is from an 1898 edition of the Illustrated Police News.


Dianne Feinstein recalls the challenges of her first day in the Senate. (Jon Carter)

"Keep my wife's name out of your effin' mouth." (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

"I told you to unwrap your candy before the show starts!" (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Late arrivals now become part of the show. (Paul MF Styrene, Olney, Md.)

Despite an unfortunate typo, the new sport of mixed marital arts proved wildly popular. (David Sarokin, Washington, D.C.)

The caption on the original engraving: "A fair acrobat soundly thrashes a man who has made himself objectionable to her father."


When chessmen realize they've been watching too much pawn. (Jesse Frankovich)

The Fourth Wise Man arrived too late, but his gift of amphetamines helped keep them all awake on the long journey home. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

After mastering the dark arts, Nancy Pelosi was able to turn key Republicans to stone. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

"So how much longer does this State of the Union thing go on?" (Steve Bremner, Philadelphia)

The "Lewis Chessmen," made probably in Norway of walrus ivory and dating to the 12th or 13th century, were discovered on the shore the Isle of Lewis, Scotland, in 1831.

----------


"And then I chased the cat out of the trash. No need to thank me." (Jon Carter)

"You know, feeding me the scraps directly would save us both a lot of trouble." (Judy Freed)

After the earth's atmosphere shrank his spacecraft and caused him to assume the shape of a household pet, Zorg hoped his eyes would not give him away. (Mark Raffman)

Feared even more than the Cone of Shame is the Collar of Culpability. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Ranger hadn't believed them when they said he'd go blind if he kept raiding the trash can. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

The Empress's beloved dog Henry upon greeting the returning family at the front door one afternoon (pre-digital photo from the late 1990s). The Royal Consort's paper-clip repair on the lid's hinge continues to hold to this day.

------------



Second runner-up: Somehow fame and fortune on the runway still left Ingrid feeling hollow inside. (Jeff Contompasis)

"All my other clothes are from L.L. Bean." (Jon Ketzner)

"Hey, you jerk. My crotch is down here!" (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

It's even more obscene with the mop handle left in. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

The photo: In Paris this month, haute couture from the Viktor & Rolf show.

--


Third runner-up: Dr. Frankenstein soon learned that it wasn't easy working from home if you owned a cat. (Kevin Dopart)

True, Ginger was thrown out of the house -- but she did get a meaty severance package. (Stu Segal, "Southeast U.S.")

He regretted having used his third wish to "get my junk inside a little pussy." (Mark Raffman)

"What's the matter, Gene? Cat got your dong?" (John Winant, Annandale, Va.)

"No, no -- you were supposed to draw Cock Robin! (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.)

A detail from a cryptic 1555 engraving in the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam. More on it here.

"Daft Pics" in the headline for the results is by Kevin Dopart.

Still running - deadline one moment before midnight Friday, Feb. 24 (well, if you're a day late this week, it's okay - we're busy till late Saturday afternoon, to be honest): Our Week 7 contest for ideas for novel artworks. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-7.

Sunday, March 19: Ingest foodstuffs with genuine Losers! Next month's Loser Brunch will be at the Spanish Diner, Jose Andres's home-cooking place in downtown Bethesda, Md. (free parking in the garages). The Empress and Royal Consort plan to be there. More info and RSVP at Our Social Engorgements on the Losers' website, NRARS.org.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.

InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:
Title:(Kevin Dopart)
Subhead:
Prize:
VisibleInk!

The Invitational, Week 7: Arty Har-har
Give us an idea for a humorously audacious modern artwork. Plus, winning 'circles of hell' for particular offenders.

The Invitational's new contest!

The audience is instructed to disrobe completely and put on kimonos. As they walk into the gallery, they see that the floor is clear glass. Crowds of people below are pointing, laughing, videotaping and sketching. Exits are not clearly marked. (Jennifer Hart)

An art exhibit consists only of the notice awarding artist grant for exhibit. It is mounted on wall with masking tape. (Fred Dawson)

Exhibit a Venus flytrap that was raised entirely on meat from a pig that had been raised on meat from a bear that was killed after eating a human.

Place hundreds of smiley face buttons, Beanie Babies and My Little Pony products into a coffin.

Create two locked boxes, each containing the other's key. Then throw them both into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean.


February 22 marks the 36th anniversary of the death of Andy Warhol, who re-defined modern art by, for example, painting super-realistic cans of Campbell's tomato soup. (That's not one of his, above. I apparently would have had to donate a year's salary to his estate to reproduce one here.)

Warhol was following in the footsteps of Marcel Duchamp, who -- as we stated in the last Gene Pool -- once declared a urinal to be high art, and it thus became so. Today we ask you to come up with new conceptual art in Andy's and Marcel's memory. Can be visual or performative. Marcel died on my 17th birthday, which is irrelevant except journalists have an insane need to justify anything weird by claiming it is an anniversary of something.

So, regarding Warhol, many years ago Tom the Butcher and I did this very contest, when we edited Tropic , the Sunday magazine of the Miami Herald. After Warhol's death, we ran a contest to replace Andy, and we flew in Ivan Karp to judge it -- Ivan was the art critic who discovered Warhol, and newspapers had money back then. The winner he chose was a young woman -- an art student from Chicago -- who submitted a crappy seaside painting that she had bought at a driveway tag sale for $5, but had then altered by painting a giant red "X" over it. The second prize was a basic metal clothes hanger, which, when you think about it, is an amazing elegant design.

The Invitational!

By Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten, Empress and Czar of The Invitational

For Week 7: Give us a funny idea -- you don't have to draw it! -- for a contemporary artwork, as in the examples above.

CLICK HERE FOR THIS WEEK'S ENTRY FORM.

By popular demand! If you want to return to this column over the course of the week, you can get here directly by typing bit.ly/inv-week-7.

Same for the entry form; that's at bit.ly/inv-form-7.

Deadline is midnight Friday, Feb. 24th. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 2nd. .

This week's winner receives the classic, truly endearing Japanese easy-reader book "The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts." You might not be surprised that The Style Invitational awarded copies of this educational volume in 2004, 2010, 2018, and 2021. Attention must be paid! Donated by Longtime Loser Pie Snelson.


Revenge Served Up al Dante: Inking 'Circles of Hell' from Week 5
In Week 5 we asked you to name and describe a "circle of hell" for various offenders. Wow, some of you seem to get just a wee bit too upset when someone puts down that 16th item in the supermarket express lane. Really, disembowling them and placing each organ on the conveyor belt?

This contest was the Czar's choice, so he chose the week's inking entries from a shortlist of about 125 that the Empress compiled. Then we both hashed out the final four.

Third runner-up: Those who belittled others for enjoying their foods the "wrong" way will spend eternity in the Food Nazi Circle. They will be forced to eat ketchup-drenched hot dogs washed down with a nice pinot noir with ice cubes melting in it. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up: Cooks who knowingly serve vegetarians meals with "only a little meat" are fed a meal that contains only a small bit of their relatives. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up: If you have lunch with a woman other than your wife, you shall spend eternity covered in flies. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

And the winner of the book "Farts: A Spotter's Guide":

People who brag about how smart their kids are will spend eternity reading their kids' Instagram posts about how dumb their parents are. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Damned Funny: Honorable Mentions
Crime: people who cherry-pick Bible quotes to support their own prejudices. Punishment: God gets to bitch-slap them with a Bible all day. (Lori Petterson, College Park, Md.)

Those who use the term "amount of people" will be condemned to forever eat meals that are in fact some amount of people. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Leaders of Topeka's hateful Westboro Baptist Church must spend eternity in "conversion therapy" from their actual sexuality to another one. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

A mansplainer: Whenever he says anything, Satan will go, "Well, ACTUALLY . . ." (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

"Karens": No hell needed; just send them to regular heaven, where they'll be perpetually dissatisfied with God's standards of service, yet can never get to speak to His supervisor. (Steve Bremner, Philadelphia)

"Fast & Furious" wannabes who terrorize their fellow citizens with modified car exhausts that sound like bombs going off when they step on the gas: They'll be assigned as day care workers in Limbo. Every time they put their little imps down for a nap, just as they start to nod off, recordings of their earthly noise bombs will play on the Limbo loudspeakers, turned up to 11. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Any cable news panelist who doesn't know the difference between "can't overestimate" and "can't underestimate" will spend eternity underestimating how unpleasant hell will be tomorrow. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Anyone in the audience who sings along at a Broadway show will henceforth always hear their own mediocre voice on the radio instead of the actual singer. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Boomers who insist that all the best music was made in the '60s and '70s will get to listen to their favorite classic rock for eternity - performed by the Kenosha Kickers Polka Band. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Drivers who block intersections will suffer from eternally plugged nostrils, clogged arteries, and fecal impaction. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Anyone who tells you each day how many steps he has taken will find that in hell, his Fitbit resets to zero every night at 11:59 p.m. (Karen Lambert)

Leave a comment

Customers who snap their fingers at the people helping them: Upon reaching Hell, they'll have their thumbs tied to their pinkies and be made to sit at a table with one leg that is ever so slightly shorter than the other three and perform calculus. A cup of scalding coffee next to them will spill all over their work whenever they jostle the table and be instantly refilled to the brim. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

DeSantis enablers will have extreme irritable bowel syndrome in a world where the only bathrooms are for transgender people. (Kevin Dopart)

Elected officials who use migrants as political pawns should spend eternity walking around a walled, guarded heaven looking for an entrance. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Employees who microwave fish in the office break room will spend eternity in the circle of Hell where everyone wears cologne distilled from skunk farts. (Jeff Hazle)

For ChatGPT: There is no specific "ring of hell" for chatbots, as they are artificial intelligence systems created by humans and do not have a moral compass or consciousness. However, in a metaphorical sense, a poorly designed or malfunctioning chatbot could be seen as experiencing its own version of suffering or being stuck in a frustrating loop, unable to fulfill its intended purpose effectively. - Actual answer from ChatGPT when asked, "Describe a ring of hell for chatbots" (Gary Crockett)

If you trim your fingernails in your cubicle at work, you shall spend eternity in your cubicle at work. (Jesse Frankovich)

In hell, Donald Trump will meet women who actually are "his type." (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Neighbors who fire up their leaf blowers at 7 a.m. on weekends will be issued foghorn alarm clocks that will wake them from their nightmares so they can start the next nightmare. (Jeff Hazle)

People unrelated to you who tell you their Wordle or Spelling Bee scores every day will be doomed to watch the same golf highlight reel in perpetuity. (Karen Lambert)

People who constantly demand to see the manager will certainly not be tortured by low-level incompetent fiends. Only senior, experienced torturers for those folks! (Duncan Stevens)

The Crotch Rocket Circle of Hell is for motorcyclists who speed down highways on their supersonic bikes, treating other vehicles like traffic cones. They will ride tricycles on a six-lane highway, forever cowering in fear as minivans and school buses dodge around them at 60 mph. (Terri Berg Smith)

People who continually sniffle and snort instead of blowing their noses will be reincarnated as wet-vacs. (Kevin Dopart)

People who don't pick up after their dogs will be reincarnated as bathroom tiles in a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop. (Kevin Dopart)

People who honk from behind you .0001 seconds after the light turns green: They will spend eternity going to restaurants and having their meals yanked away .0001 seconds after serving. (Duncan Stevens)

People who send emails in all caps shall spend eternity wondering why they can't get their password to work. (Jesse Frankovich)

People who talk in movie theaters: Every day they'll see a video with the Devil saying, "I'm about to tell you how you can get out of here," and then after that is nothing but background talking so they can't hear what the Devil is saying. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Politicians who dodge questions have to ask the devil repeatedly, "When can I leave hell?" only to have the devil tout his new five-point economic plan. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

State of the Union hecklers should be assigned hecklers for their funerals. (Duncan Stevens)

Editors who cancel humor contests must sit in a comedy club where everyone else is cracking up with laughter while they don't get any of the jokes. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

Circle of hell for those who canceled The Washington Post Magazine, The Style Invitational and Gene Weingarten's column: They must find all twelve differences between the two Second Glance photos - and there are only eleven. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

And Last: The Now, Do You Get It? circle of hell, reserved for certain editors of The Washington Post: Here Satan torments people by explaining, in tedious and laborious detail, every joke appearing in The Invitational. For example: "The 'joint legislation' winner of Week 3, 'The Ogles-Magaziner-Jackson-Self Act to encourage sperm bank donations,' is humorous because the names in that order sound like 'Ogles magazine, jacks on self.' 'Jacks' in this context is a slang term for masturbation; in popular culture, sperm donation is depicted as a man going into a bathroom with a pornography magazine and masturbating until he ejaculates his sperm donation. The humor is amplified by the fact that the name of the legislation creates an unavoidably lewd image, but none of the words are themselves objectionable or crass; even 'Jackson,' the heart of the joke, is merely the name of either the new U.S. Representative from North Carolina, representing portions of Mecklenburg and Gaston counties, or the new Representative from Illinois, representing the South Side of Chicago. Now, do you get it?" (Madeline Lohman, Minneapolis, a First Offender)

"Al Dante" in the headline for the results was submitted by both Lori Petterson and Jeff Contompasis; Jeff also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline one moment before midnight Friday, Feb. 17 (well, if you're a day late this week, it's okay - we're busy Saturday morning): Our Week 6 picture caption contest. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-6.

Not too late - Ingest foodstuffs with genuine Losers! This month's Loser Brunch is at Asian Palace in Columbia, Md., on Sunday, Feb. 19, at noon. (The E has to miss this one, alas.) More info and RSVP at Our Social Engorgements on the Losers' website, NRARS.org.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.

InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:(Jennifer Hart; Fred Dawson)
Title:(Lori Petterson; Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead:(Jeff Contompasis)
Prize:(Pie Snelson)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 6: Picture This
Our caption contest, plus new inkers, plus Gene's thoughts on censor-less editing.
Gene Weingarten
Feb 9

Good afternoon. Today, like all Thursdays, is Invitational Day, meaning you not only get to see not only a new contest you won't win, but also the results of the last contest you didn't win. In this case, the last contest was Questionable Journalism, in which you had to take lines stolen from stories in the media and propose questions they might be answering. The new contest involves coming up with captions for unusual pictures, one of which is above, that one and the others below. We'll get to those important things in a bit, but first, we have to reluctantly deal with innuendo, filth, vulgarity, and mind-boggling saucy stories from inside the glass-enclosed, lavishly staffed Invitational Judging Complex. We will begin with some very sophisticated art history and criticism.

In April 1917. a French Dada artist named Marcel Duchamp ("Dada" is one of the greatest artistic terms of all time) realized something profound: There were no rules anymore, in art. No constraints. Impressionists and post-impressionists like Van Gogh had already established that art does not have to look like life. Duchamp went several steps further, a great leap forward, and realized that art doesn't even have to look like art.

He submitted to a big international art show something he called a sculpture, but what was really just a commercially manufactured porcelain urinal. This is it. For some bizarre reason, he submitted it under the invented name "R. Mutt." He was declaring it art, on the theory that anything can be elevated, by an artist, to be art. There were no rules. This urinal became one of the most important pieces anywhere, spurring bold, previously unheard of conversations that birthed modern art, which asks and seldom answers the question What is Art?


Subscribed

Just like the new Invitational. Pat Myers and I have realized that there are no rules anymore. We no longer are constrained by the petty, schmucky, understandable need of corporations to adhere to strictures such as "decency" or "appropriateness" that define the corporation's "culture." We can just try to be funny. This has led to some amazing conversations that would have been unthinkable a mere year ago. One of them occurred on Tuesday and we are sharing it here.

For the contest in which we asked you to take a published line from a publication, and suggest a question that might have prompted it as an answer, someone submitted the following, which I hereby edit only slightly:

Answer: "I obviously didn't think it was going to go in the hole."

Q: How did [a well known, dignified, famous gay man] explain the cock ring found by a proctologist?

Now, neither Pat nor I would ever have even thought of publishing this in The Post, and had we done so, The Post would not only have fired us, but set fire to us, and would not have been prosecuted for it. But this sort of thing was now * on the table. Potentially in play! We both agreed that attributing this to a particular person was tasteless. But Pat argued that "cock ring" is a thing, and not dirty, and "cock" is a legitimate word adults use, and I asked if she felt the same knee-jerk liberal way about the female C-word, and she said absolutely not, and I accused her of being gender-inconsistent and misandrist, which is the opposite of misogynist, and she denied this, and so on.

This led to further conversation about private parts and sanctimony, and back to The Invitational, specifically another entry that read this way:

A: It's best if your partner can understand where you are coming from and potentially help you find a solution.

Q: How can your husband help you find your contact lens cleaner?

Pat had chosen this to get ink, and I suggested she was condoning a weird, barely comprehensible pussy joke, and she went nutso, saying it had nothing to do with pussies, and why do I always see pussies in everything I read, and I said, wait, what? And she said it was just about contact lens "solution," and I said "that's not even remotely funny," and she said it was indeed funny and it had nothing to do with genitalia, and I said, you can't have "coming" in a humor entry and not see double -entendre, and she rudely cited a deity not of her own religion.

And then I said this:

"You know what would be funny? If a guy who is going down on a woman said 'I can see where you're coming from.' "

Pat: HAHAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA

Pat: HAHAHAHAHA.

New conversations, previously unthinkable, because of the new Invitational.

Okay, so. Before we get on to the new Invitational and old winners, some drudgery:

We have a new, streamlined system here! The entirety of The Gene Pool is on this one Web page. The page will be long. But you will not have to leap to another page anymore, and all the questions and answers will accumulate here. After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers -- and then I'll keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for my opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes. To see those later Q&As, just refresh your screen every once in a while.

As always, you can also leave comments. They'll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though I will stop in from time to time.

SPECIAL ADDITIONAL TIP: If you're reading this on an email: Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (Media Trigger Finger) for my full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers, and be able to refresh and see new questions and answers appear as I regularly update the post.

* * *.

And finally, a new orgasmically satisfying feature: You can ask your questions here. With the big ugly orange button below. Here it comes.

Ask a Question!

You can also ask questions here. They go to the same place, but if you are scared of orange buttons, you can do that other thing.

Leave a comment

The Invitational Week 6: Picture This - a caption contest. Plus Questionable Journalism winners.

By Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten, Empress and Czar of The Invitational

The Invitational is no longer flush with money and can no longer commission a series of cartoons from the great Bob Sub-Staake but we can still ask the Loser Community to write up some captions. In fact, since we are no longer limited by the small space on a newspaper page, we can have more pictures to choose from. This week: Write a caption - as many as 25 total - for any of the pictures below; they range from medieval oddities to runway shots to family photos. Begin each caption only with the letter on the picture - as in "A. [your caption]" - so that the Empress can sort the captions by picture.

CLICK HERE FOR THIS WEEK'S ENTRY FORM.

Deadline is midnight Friday, Feb. 17. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 23.

Here are this week's pictures:








Winner receives a little tin of Instant Underpants - "just add water." Because you never know when you might suddenly need a pair of wet underpants. We have given these out several times over the years, but have never received a photo of the recipient wearing them. We'll wait. Donated - unopened! - by Longtime Loser Edward Gordon. First Offenders receive the Fir Stink for their first ink: a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener."

Ask a question!

And here are the results of Week 4.

ALERT: For those of you who feel that you had better entries than the one we chose, please complain immediately and at length in high dudgeon to the editors of The Washington Post.

Asking The Har Questions: The Results of Invitational Week 4
Week 4 was another of our Questionable Journalism contests, in which Losers could choose any sentence from something published that week, and pair it, A&Q-style, with a question it could answer. Click on the links to see the original contexts.

Third runner-up:

A. "I don't know where this will go."

Q. What did he say that told you he wasn't quite the playa he'd claimed to be? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:

A. "There is a big grassroots movement that's sprung up."

Q. What did the plumber say after using his plunger on the vegan's toilet? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

First runner-up:
A. "Milk is released immediately upon sucking."

Q. What happens when a farmer trains cows to judge "American Idol" auditions? (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

And the winner of the Joys of Jell-O cookbook:

A. The tortoise was discovered in a restroom at Harry Reid International Airport in Las Vegas.

Q. Mr. Hare, what are the grounds for your allegation that your opponent cheated?

(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

Dregs, the Questions: Honorable Mentions
A. Banishing it has become a conservative cause across the nation and a priority of DeSantis.

Q. Does basic human decency stand a chance? (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

A. Teachers who are trying out the draft curriculum said it has been popular.

Q. How have students responded to the new "Pub Crawling 101" course? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

A. You should try to welcome any disruptions to your routine with open arms.

Q. Now that we members can carry guns in the House, Mr. Speaker, how would you advise dealing with the pesky news media? (Chris Doyle)

A. "Ready to go. Up to date on shots and deworming."

Q. How does a Tinder profile show you've taken the covid advice of both the CDC and Donald Trump? (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

A. Will bad actors use AI to promote bigotry or hijack nuclear weapons?
Q. Any guesses about what'll be in that new movie with Nicolas Cage and Kristen Stewart? (Mark Raffman)

A. "Aim for the head," he said.

Q. How did the Navy captain summarize bathroom etiquette? (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

A. The layoffs included two dozen massage therapists.

Q. What was the first indication that Trump had vacated the White House? (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

A. House Speaker Kevin McCarthy demanded a Gang of Eight intelligence briefing from the president on the balloon.

Q. Why did President Biden say there was only room for six people on his balloon? (Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.)

A. I can see where we can find common ground.

Q. Instead of this $20-a-pound whole-bean coffee, don't you guys just sell a can of Maxwell House? (Kevin Dopart)

A. I wish it was more transparent, because that's what it's all about.

Q. What do you think of my new warm-weather burlap windshield? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

A. "I was able to knock down some shots in the second quarter which really helped."

Q. How have you been coping with your low approval ratings on the economy, Mr. President? (Jon Gearhart)

A. I was sitting among a group of friends and strangers, cheering for a group of boys participating in a ceremony with their mothers.

Q. What's is like watching "MILF Manor" at a bar? (Kevin Dopart)

A. "There will be a chess match along the lines."

Q: What is the worst idea ever for a Super Bowl halftime show? (Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)

A. Our main finding out of this is that fat matters a lot.

Q. What life lessons can be gleaned from the lyrics of Sir Mix-a-Lot? (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

A. Far from it.

Q. Where should I stand to take a selfie with a water buffalo? (Chris Doyle)

A. This ordinance was originally agendized at an October City Council meeting.

Q. Is there any progress on your proposal to ban the verbing of nouns? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

A. "That moon-white face turns toward us, with a jagged line of black makeup running through it like a crack."

Q. How can you tell when Rudy Giuliani has just dyed his hair? (Leif Picoult)

A. They don't care about being invited to elite parties in Georgetown.

Q. What's the philosophy of the Georgetown Party-Crashers' Guild? (Duncan Stevens)

A. The Federal Reserve Board announced that it was transferring $107 billion into Treasury's accounts.

Q, How can the government afford to keep eggs on the menu at military bases? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

A. Moderates have seemed willing to turn a blind eye to any potential overreach so long as Bolsonaro's movement is contained.

Q. Why isn't there a bigger uproar in Brazil after the outgoing president looted, vandalized and left his BM in a shoebox at the presidential palace? (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

A. Fifty bucks per foot.

Q. Besides reduced sentences for donating their organs, what else does Massachusetts plan to offer prisoners? (Chris Doyle)

A. "They are hyper-focused on the opportunity to breed, and they therefore lose some of their wits."

Q. Why do so many high school boys perform poorly on standardized tests? (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

A. Seen from the ground, their ephemeral parabolas look like calligraphic brushstrokes.

Q. What was it that William F Buckley said about forward passes? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

A. "Will anyone I know be happier if I save this?"

Q. What thought process do you NOT want lifeguards to engage in? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

A. If the outcome is No. 2, then they'll be kind enough not to shove the U.S. economy off a cliff.

Q. Why might we want to try giving the Freedom Caucus a dose of a gentle laxative? (David Smith, Pleasanton, Calif.)

A. "They poop prolifically, and their droppings--thanks to their olive-heavy diet--are oily and slick."

Q: What State Department travel warning offended the Greek ambassador? (Leif Picoult)

A. She gets through the day by flinging open her windows for some fresh morning air, lighting incense and wiping the soles of her shoes.

Q. How does Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene deal with the stress of trampling on the dreams of immigrants and the less fortunate? (John Hutchins, Silver Spring Md.)

A: The pagination.

Q: Is there anything on George Santos's resume that's accurate? (David Garratt)

A. Just a single new cutting-edge chip-making facility costs $20 to $25 billion.

Q. Why are Lay's and Pringles so expensive? (Frank Osen)

A. "It was just annoying to do it over and over and over again."

Q. How did my wife explain to our couples therapist why we had sex only three times during our five years of marriage? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

A. It depends on who you are speaking to.

Q. Does it matter if I mix up subjective and objective pronouns? (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

A. 1 Roma tomato, seeded and diced.

Q. What's the dinner special at the Institute for Runway Models and Ballerinas? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

A. The caller identified himself as "General Matthew Weyer," said he was stationed in Afghanistan and needed money to ship a box to the United States.

Q. How did George Santos use the phone to raise money for his Congressional run? (Karen Albamonti, North Kingstown, R.I.)

And Last:
A. Enter the storm door.

Q. For this week's Invitational, should I submit my latest racist joke, sexist joke or storm door joke? (Jeff Contompasis)

The headline "Har Questions" is by Beverley Sharp; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Bill Dorner.

Ingest foodstuffs with genuine Losers! This month's Loser Brunch is at Asian Palace in Columbia, Md., on Sunday, Feb. 19, at noon. (The E has to miss this one, alas.) More info and RSVP at Our Social Engorgements on the Losers' website, NRARS.org.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.

InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:
Title:(Beverley Sharp)
Subhead:(Bill Dorner)
Prize:(Edward Gordon)
VisibleInk!

Week 5 of The Invitational: Where in Hell *.?
Name a 'circle' for some 'evil,' plus a suitable punishment. Plus the Kiggans-Self Coulda Woulda Shoulda bill and other winning 'joint legislation.'
Gene Weingarten
Feb 2


Hi. The illustration above will make sense to you in the next few minutes. It will involve this week's Invitational. But first:

We have a new, simplified system here! The entirety of The Gene Pool is on this one Web page. The page will be long. But you will not have to leap to another page, and all the questions and answers will be here. We'll begin with The Invitational, followed by some of your questions (and answers) -- and then I'll keep adding them as the hour progresses. To see those later Q&As, just refresh your screen every once in a while.

SPECIAL ADDITIONAL TIP: If you're reading this on an email: Click here to get to my webpage, then click on the top headline (The Invitational Week 5), for my full column, and comments, and real-time questions and answers, and be able to refresh.

And finally, a new orgasmically satisfying feature: You can ask your questions here. With the big ugly orange button below. Here it comes.

Ask a Question!

You can also ask questions here. They go to the same place, but if you are scared of orange buttons, you can do this.

On this late Thursday it'll be largely The Invitational, and it will feature*.

Get ready*

* The most disgusting published winner ever. We all should be very proud. Give yourselves an ovation. It's a world-class entry The Washington Post would never have green-lighted, and will be cited in college humor classes for years and win the Nobel Prize for Literature.

(As an added parenthetical feature, and totally without relevance, I want to point out that the president of the Philippines is "Bongbong Marcos.")

Also, you might wonder why this Gene Pool is happening late in the day. It is because I had a doctor's appointment -- with a neurologist -- that I had to make six months ago because of how awful doctors are. Medically, a minor physical problem. No biggie. But six months ago, there WAS no Gene Pool to schedule around. There was, however, a stern-faced medical desk person with a 1950s telephone operator Lily Tomlin voice to explain how Groundhog Day was The First Available Appointment Do You Want It or Not?

Okay, so. Here.

The new contest was suggested by a questioner from the last chat who did not include his or her name. He or she wrote this: "So where do we submit ideas for the Invitational? I've had one for a while: name a particular sin/sinner deserving of the most horrific and appropriate eternal punishment, and then create/describe the Circle of Hell & their punishment."

I do not know who this person was, but if he or she will identify him or her self, including details of an offense they or them offered as an example, which we are withholding here, I will give them or they credit.

*********************************************************
STATS-WRANGLER NOTE: It was (Deb Grosner, Winchester, VA)
*********************************************************

Here are three examples, made up by us:

"People who are too timid to drive out into the intersection to turn left, so everyone behind them misses the light. Their place in Hell is where they are always about to vomit, but never succeed and have to stand there for eternity, next to the toilet."

And:

"A traffic circle designer who has to drive on Escher's Mobius strip forever. as an ant." (Now you understand the cartoon, above.)

And:

If you steal the money intended for the surgery that will save the life of a sick dog, and the dog dies because of your theft, you will enter Hell and be subject to an appendectomy performed by a dog. And then removal of your gall bladder, your tonsils, etc., ad infinitum.

Reminder, send your questions here. Questions are different from comments, which will accumulate at the bottom of The Gene Pool, and be mostly amongst yourselves. I love comments and support them equally. Here is a way to distinguish between comments and questions.

Ask a Question!

And:

Leave a comment

If you need help, here is an example of a question:

Why are you such a dick, Gene?

Example of a comment:

You are such a dick, Gene.

Okay? Good.

The winner of the new contest (reminder! Circles of Hell!) wins "Farts: A Spotter's Guide," a board book describing, field guide-style, such species as the Poof, the Sleeping Dog, and the Seismic Blast. Complete with an electronic box that mimics the various types - even, go figure, the Silent but Deadly. Donated by Longtime Loser Pie Snelson. First Offenders receive the Fir Stink for their first ink: a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener."


Know your tailpipe emissions: This week's prize..
CLICK HERE FOR THIS WEEK'S ENTRY FORM.

Deadline is midnight Friday, Feb. 10. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 16.

Unnatural Acts: 'Joint Legislation' Winners From Week 3
Week 3 of The Invitational was our biennial "joint legislation" contest in which the Losers link two or more names of this session's Congressional freshmen to "cosponsor" a bill. If the inking puns below aren't clear to you, say them out loud. If you're still stumped, ask about it in the comments below - we promise we won't mock you unless you are really stupid.

Once again, some Losers clearly neglected to ask someone to read their entries to see if they were understandable to anyone but the deluded writer. Someone we'll ID as Xxxx Yyyy of Zzzzzzzz, Calif., explained that the Ciscomani-Pettersen-Tokuda-Bean-Brecheen bill, to permit sibling interventions in sketchy beauty parlor procedures, obviously translates to Sis go mani-pedi and toe could have been breaking. 'Course it does.

The Czar and Empress both got a kick out of Ivy-Lee-Goldman (Ivy League Old-Man) but the 15 entries using that combination canceled one another out. As did the many Ogles-Self entries either condemning or promoting narcissism. (Gene interjects here that he doesn't find "old man" a morally acceptable designation, and uses his mighty editorial power to put this complaint in boldface.)

Repeated names in an entry refer to two new members with the same last name.

--

By Empress Pat Myers and Czar Gene Weingarten
Third runner-up: The Mullin-Nickel appropriation for five people's thoughts. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

Second runner-up: The Ezell-Lee-Landsman Dating App Improvement Act. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up: The Hoyle-Lee-Schmitt Act for socially acceptable cursing. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

And the winner of the reptile-foot-motif socks:

The Ogles-Magaziner-Jackson-Self Act to encourage sperm bank donations. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)


Subscribed

Ask a question!

I'M JUST A NIL: HONORABLE MENTIONS
The Kiggans-Self Shoulda-Coulda-Woulda Act. (Jesse Frankovich)

The Ivey-Bean-Mullin-Mullin Act to promote deep thinking about deep thinking. (Leif Picoult)

The Schmitt-Hoyle bill to improve relations with countries insulted by Trump. (Randy Lee, Burke, Va.)

The Ezell-Lee-Fry Expeditious Capital Punishment Act. (Dave Airozo)


The Fry-Nunn Prohibition of Capital Punishment (Jesse Frankovich)

The LaLota-Budd-Kiggins bill to honor Chuck Norris. (Randy Lee)

The Sykes-Self Act to build self-esteem. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.)

The Kean-Bean-Britt-Schmitt-Hoyle-Moylan-Kiley-Fry-Lee Poetry Education Act (Jeff Newman, York, Pa., a First Offender; Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The Crockett-Schmitt Act to Investigate the Credentials of Rep. Santos. (Frank Yuen, Forest Hills, N.Y.)

The Deluzio-Nickel bill to mandate regular parking meter inspections. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

The Budd-Zinke-Budzinski bill to MYOB. (Randy Lee)

The Self-Fry DIY Wiring Safety Act. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, Va.)

The Bean-Nunn Catholic School Kids' Revenge Act. (Dave Airozo)

The Britt-Williams-Bean-Strong Resolution commending the Harried future King of England. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The Ezell-Zinke Act to recognize the capital of Finland. (Jesse Frankovich)

The Mullin-Mullin-Welch Act directing the Treasury to ponder the national debt at length, then default on it. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

The Nickel-Collins Act to bring cheap public pay phones back to street corners everywhere. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

The Lee-James-Lee initiative to recommend that the next 007 actor be Asian. (Rob Cohen)

The Balint-Self-Ezell-Lee Act to mandate roadside sobriety tests. (Jesse Frankovich; Jon Gearhart)

The Mullin-Tokuda-Budd Act to fund PSAs warning kids to think carefully before bogarting that roach. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

The Moylan-Nunn Interfaith Circumcision Initiative. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

The Vance-Bean-Lee-Kean-Hoyle Act to require monthly inspections of used Ford Econolines, Sierras, and Odysseys. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

The Duarte-Ezell-Lee Resolution to award the Congressional Gold Medal posthumously to Bob Ross. (Kevin Dopart)

And Last: The Nunn-Budd-Deluzio resolution, asking who would enter the Invitational anyway? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The headline "Unnatural Acts" was submitted by both William Kennard and Jon Ketzner; Bill Dorner wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline Friday night, Feb. 3: Our "Questionable Journalism" contest. See it here (scroll down to the first subhead)

InvisibleInk!
Idea:(Deb Grosner, Winchester, VA)
Examples:
Title:(William Kennard; Jon Ketzner)
Subhead:(Bill Dorner)
Prize::
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 4: Questionable Journalism
By Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten, the Empress and Czar of The Invitational

A. "Sometimes he would stand in the sitting room . . ."
Q. How do we know Walter Mondale was a rebel at heart? (Jeff Contompasis)

A. Pour the egg mixture over the greens, covering them evenly.
Q. How were the protesters planning to disrupt the Masters tournament? (Jon Gearhart)

A. "The withdrawal is set to begin on Friday and will be completed by May 1."
Q. What's the timeline for the final stage of the nonagenarians' marriage consummation? (Leif Picoult)

Here's the contest that we had to stop in its tracks last month, after The Washington Post suddenly didn't want a moment more of us. It's one we've had tons o' fun with over the years, in our beloved A&Q format - plus it lets you willfully misinterpret the news media! This week: Choose any sentence (or the major part of a sentence) from any publication (online or on paper) dated Jan. 26-Feb, 3 and follow it with a question it could answer, as in the examples above from last year's Questionable Journalism contest.

The sentence can be in an article or ad. Tell us the name of the publication and the date and (if in print) the page number; for online publications, please include a link to the webpage. As always, you can submit up to 25 different entries, either all at once or as you think of them.

You can see the text of previous years' results here, here and here.

The winner gets a genuine early-1960s copy of "Joys of Jell-O" - it's not dated but the address for General Foods has no Zip code - a 96-page cookbooklet with dozens of recipes for imprisoning various hapless food items inside bricks and rings and towers of sickeningly sweet gelatin. Pictured below on Page 50: the Sea Dream, that enticing combo of shrimp in a bed of lime Jell-O; and the Vegetable Trio, quiveringly entombing stacked carrots, cabbage and spinach. How better to celebrate your Invite win than with a banquet of these sublime creations? Donated by Longtime Loser Larry Yuck. Oh, wait. Larry Yungk.


CLICK HERE FOR THIS WEEK'S ENTRY FORM.

Deadline is midnight Friday, Feb. 3. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 9.

Come on in, the water's warm. This is a reader-supported and reader-financed pool.


Subscribed

Reminder: Submit questions here.

THE SEERS' CATALOG: Our Week 2 pre-chronicle of 2023
In Week 2 of The Invitational we asked you to spring forward a year to help produce a timeline of events for 2023. Two different Losers announced that egomaniacal Washington Commanders billionaire owner Dan Snyder had sold his team to egomaniacal Washington Post billionaire owner Jeff Bezos (one entry renamed the team the Washington Postmen, the other the Posties). And what do you know: This past Monday, the tabloid New York Post ran a story that Bezos just might buy the team -- a story that turned out to be as much bullshit as the inking entries below.

This week the Empress read all 700 entries and made a long "shortlist"; the Czar chose the top four; and we decided on the final inking entries together. I was able to sort all the entries alphabetically (as always, with no names attached), so we had no idea that we kept choosing entries over and over from some of the names below.


Third runner-up: Harry and Meghan are allowed to attend King Charles III's May 6 coronation, on the condition that they walk behind the royal carriage with brooms and buckets. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Second runner-up: A new study reveals that 45 percent of the nation's shirkers are now teleshirking. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

First runner-up: In another anti-grooming measure, Florida bans the letters L, B, G, T and Q from preschool alphabet blocks. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

And the winner of the keychain-size mononucleosis plushie:

Quarterback Carson Wentz, angry after his release by the Washington Commanders, attempts to throw team management under the bus, but misses by 10 yards. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Excess Prophets: Honorable Mentions
January: The Virginia General Assembly passes a law requiring elementary school pupils to have a signed permission slip before bringing a gun to school. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Prince Louis publishes a tell-all coloring book. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)

In a "major announcement" on Truth Social, Trump says he's selling "personally declassified" documents "for $99 each." "These are the best documents! The dummies at the National Archives called them 'invaluable' but I know they're worth a lot, to the right people." (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

The new apparel company Kanyeezy releases a line of brown shirts. (Kevin Dopart)

The House passes a bill making all abortions illegal except when the father is a congressman. (Jesse Frankovich)

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy announces that he is unable to attend debt ceiling negotiations because of a prior commitment of having to clean the Freedom Caucus members' toilets. (Duncan Stevens)

Marking the 25th anniversary of his famous televised denial, Bill Clinton acknowledges that he did have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky but explains, "There were so many women, I just lost track." (Dave Airozo)

February: Mike Lindell calls for the impeachment of President Biden after agents searching his Delaware residence discover that he removed the tag from his pillow. (Jesse Frankovich)

Feb. 3: Florida celebrates Black History Day. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

It is conclusively proved that China is using TikTok to spy on America when Communist Party cadres are overheard saying, "I stan Xi - he's savage!" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Observers suspect that tensions are running high at the Supreme Court when Sonia Sotomayor turns to Clarence Thomas during oral argument and, in an unusual move, bites off his ear. (Duncan Stevens)

March: Meryl Streep wins an Academy Award for a movie she wasn't even in. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

The newly Republican-controlled House Oversight Committee expeditiously determines that the primary instigator of the Jan. 6 riots was Hunter Biden. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Trump boasts on Truth Social that of all the Presidents, his stolen documents are the greatest in number, the most powerfully classified and the most tremendously hidden. He follows up by saying he does not know of any documents. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

April: Citing the high cost of eggs this year, the White House hosts the Easter Balled-Up Classified Documents Roll. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

In a glitch caused by its outdated systems, the FAA routes all flights through Kitty Hawk, N.C. (Jon Carter)

To save time, Tom Brady announces his re-retirement and re-unretirement in the same tweet, in which he also announces successive signings with the Broncos, Colts and Bears. (John Hutchins, Sandy Spring, Md.)

George Santos tearfully reveals he's the secret love child of Mahatma Gandhi and Mother Teresa. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

May: King Charles III dramatically parachutes into his coronation ceremony using only his ears. (Jesse Frankovich)

To avoid any unfavorable misunderstandings, the National Dog Groomers Association of America changes its name to the National Dog Trimmers Association of America. (Karen Lambert)

One-upping the Missouri House of Representatives, the Texas legislature requires its female members to wear miniskirts, cowgirl boots, spangles and a fringed vest. Pompoms are ruled optional. (Pam Shermeyer)

In an extraordinary confession, Hunter Biden admits to planting the classified documents at his father's Wilmington home, explaining, "How else was I going to get the GOP off my case?" (Jonathan Jensen)

June: Prince Harry reveals in a tearful "60 Minutes" interview that Prince William once gave him an atomic wedgie. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Donald Trump claims to have decommissioned the two Abrams tanks and Patriot missile system discovered in a remote outbuilding at Mar-a-Lago. (Stu Segal, "Southeast U.S.")

Jeff Bezos (who does not own any part of the new Invitational) reduces the print editions of The Washington Post to one page, featuring only headlines followed by "For more information, see the website." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

July: The special prosecutor finds classified documents in the basements of Mount Vernon and Monticello. Attorney General Garland issues indictments of Biden, Washington and Jefferson (no decision yet on Trump). (Rob Cohen)

Ground-floor apartments become hot-ticket items among Moscow oligarchs. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

August: Cash-strapped after signing Aaron Judge to a $360 million contract, the Yankees double the price of a stadium hot dog to $50. (Jon Carter)

Dan Snyder finally sells the Washington Commanders to a coalition headed by Sam Bankman-Fried, Vladimir Putin and Emperor Palpatine. Fans welcome the team's upgraded image. (Duncan Stevens)

September: The NFL avoids an age discrimination suit by allowing Tom Brady to use a mobility scooter. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Elon Musk buys the last Blockbuster video store, saying "it's totally worth $44 billion." (Leif Picoult)

Cocaine is declared legal, but plastic straws are banned for environmental reasons. This creates a heck of a problem. (David Kleinbard, Maramoneck, N.Y.)

October: In a heartfelt bid to reconcile with his brother, Prince Harry releases a new book, "Sorry, You Bald Daft Wanker." (Jon Carter)

Utah's capital officially changes its name to Salt Puddle City. (Jon Ketzner)

The National Archives begins a no-questions-asked classified-document buyback campaign. (Stu Segal)

George Santos acknowledges having fabricated his life story and blames the covid vaccine's "side effect," the loss of honesty and basic decency. He is immediately hailed as a bold truth-teller by Tucker Carlson. (Karen Lambert)

November: After delivering a strongly worded statement about the overturning of Roe v. Wade, Sen. Susan Collins locates a barn, lets all the horses out, and closes the door. (Duncan Stevens)

On Nov. 11, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene tweets out a salute to America's veterinarians. (Jon Carter)

George Santos admits that the 2020 election was not stolen from Trump, explaining that it was in fact stolen from George Santos. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Attorney General Garland holds a press conference to triumphantly announce that Donald Trump is being held accountable for three unpaid parking tickets. (Duncan Stevens)

Rep. Santos announces his resignation. He is lying. (Lex Friedman, Manalapan, N.J.)

Trump gives up his presidential campaign in favor of selling Trump-branded gas stoves. (Karen Lambert)

December: The 2023 Atlantic hurricane season sets a record, with named storms going through the Greek, Hebrew, Swahili and Runic alphabets. (Nan Reiner)

On a party line vote, the House passes a bill to provide $15 billion to Fox News to help fight the War on Christmas. (Chris Doyle)

Tucker Carlson is fired from Fox as being too "woke" when it is revealed that his testicle-tanning machine is solar-powered, using absolutely no fossil fuels. (John Hutchins)

Elon Musk buys the Washington Commanders. He immediately fires half the roster and announces that the team will start the season with six players on the field, (Rob Cohen)

SAG-AFTRA decrees that any comedian who makes any more "George Santos claims *" jokes will be expelled from the union. (Frank Mann, Washington)

Gene Weingarten's Substack account is deactivated after he makes an insensitive comment about coriander. (Jesse Frankovich)

And Last: Rachel comes to her senses. (Jon Ketzner)

The headline "The Seers Catalog" is by Beverley Sharp; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:(Jeff Contompasis; Jon Gearhart; Leif Picoult)
Title:(Beverley Sharp)
Subhead:(Kevin Dopart)
Prize::
VisibleInk!

By Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten

The Invitational Week 3: Send Us the Bill -- our 'joint legislation' contest
The Traficant-DeLay-Akaka Roadside Port-A-Pot Act (Carole and Stephanie Dix, 1993)
The Moore-Greene-Salazar-Good Act mandates fresh leafy veggies to school lunch programs. (Pia Palamidessi, 2021)
The Johnson-Sevier-Lee-Lee-King bill to establish the key rule for ending a filibuster. (Doug Hamilton, 2013)
It's one of the first and most popular contests The Invitational's ever done - and a game that's been played among congressional staffers forever. These days, it's just about the only way to make our elected leaders do anything, let alone create bipartisan legislation: Combine two or more names from the list below of the new members of the 118th Congress to "co-sponsor"a bill based on their combined last names, as in the classic Style Invitational examples above.

We're just playing with the sounds of their names, not referring to the sens and reps themselves. (If Rep. Santos doesn't last eight more days, you can play him anyway.) Lots of promising subjects this time - Bean! Fry! Ogles! Self!

The Czar and Empress implore you, from long experience: A pun that is clear to you, because you thought of it, is not necessarily clear to anyone else in the world. Before you send in your entry, ask someone else to read it out loud and, without help, tell you what phrase you had in mind.

Here are this year's new names, from this Wikipedia page; it includes not just brand-new members but also those who are now in different districts, or have moved from the House to the Senate. Even though Jennifer McClellan is sure to win the special election next month in Virginia, she misses the deadline.
Alford; Balint (rhymes with gallant); Bean; Brecheen; Britt; Budd; Budzinski; Burlison; Caraveo; Casar (ka-SAHR); Chavez-DeRemer (Ch- as in chair; de-Reamer); Ciscomani; Collins; Crane; Crockett; Davis; De La Cruz; Deluzio; Duarte; D'Esposito; Edwards; Ezell (EE-zell); Fetterman; Foushee (Foo-shee); Frost; Fry; Garcia; Gluesenkamp Perez; Goldman; Hageman (Hay-guh-man); Houchin (How-chin); Hoyle; Hunt; Ivey; Jackson; Jackson; James; Kamlager-Dove; Kean; Kiggans; Kiley; LaLota; Landsman; Langworthy; Lawler; Lee; Lee; Luna; Luttrell; Magaziner; McCormick; McGarvey; Menendez; Miller; Mills; Molinaro; Moran; Moskowitz; Moylan (Delegate of Guam); Mullin; Mullin; Nickel; Nunn; Ogles; Pettersen; Ramirez; Ricketts; Salinas; Santos; Schmitt; Scholten (skoal-ten); Self; Sorensen; Strong; Sykes; Thanedar (TAN-e-dar); Tokuda; Vance; Van Orden; Vasquez; Welch; Williams; Zinke (zinky).

CLICK HERE FOR THIS WEEK'S ENTRY FORM.

Deadline is midnight Friday, Jan. 27. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 2.


The winner receives - just perhaps apropos of this week's contest - an excellent pair of socks that make your feet look like the claws of some creepy reptile, or perhaps a dinosaur, as seen on the Empress's feet above. They'll fit any size adult foot. They even have scales on the bottom. If your feet already look like this, we don't need photographic evidence, thanks.


Subscribed

Letter RIP: The winning & losing obit poems from Week 1
In Week 1 of The [No Longer Style] Invitational, we asked for short poems commemorating those souls who hadn't made it to 2023. The Czar and Empress shed tears of utter relief were pleased to receive many hundreds of poems from almost as many entrants as we'd get for poetry contests at The Washington Post, with subjects ranging from the Queen of England to Marlon Bundo, Mike Pence's pet rabbit (sorry, no ink for either this week).

Third runner-up:
Jerry Lee Lewis (1935-2022)
When Jerry Lee Lewis burst onto the scene,
He helped rock-and-roll to awaken.
But when he showed up with a bride of thirteen,
A whole lotta heads started shakin'.
Let's hope he's at peace in the heavenly choir,
Surrounded by angels, not great balls of fire.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Second runner-up:
Dorothy Pitman Hughes (1938-2022), pioneering feminist
Without her we would not have gotten Ms.,
A magazine that proudly isn't Hs.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

First runner-up:
Andre Leon Talley (1948-2022), flamboyant critic and stylist
This glamorous gent, upon entering heaven,
Was dressed from the nines all the way to eleven.
Saint Peter remarked, "You are early, I see."
"Alas, yes," said Andre, "but fashionably!"
(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

And the winner of the 45-rpm records featuring Walter Brennan and Sen. Everett Dirksen:
25 Russian billionaires
Fell through windows, tumbled down stairs.
Slipped on a boat and said their last prayers.
Smacked their heads or plunged off cliffs,
A clumsy lot, these oligarch stiffs.
They forgot Vlad's rule for the elite:
Wealth means nothing if you're not discreet.
Your splendid leader must be exalted
Or - oops! - you might become quite asphalted.
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Share

Nearly Departed: Honorable Mentions
Pele (1940-2022)
Of Pele, it's said that his moves were pure magic
(A view shared by legions of goalies he tricked).
Alas, his last feint was ironically tragic:
Instead of the ball, it's the bucket he kicked.
(Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)

Sidney Poitier (1927-2022)
There's less heat in the night, less sun on the raisin;
The ranks of the greats just got thinner,
But the worms in the graveyard, their luck they are praisin';
They guessed who'll be coming to dinner.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

John Y. Brown Jr. (1933-2022), businessman who built up KFC
and Jule Campbell (1926-2022), mastermind of Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue
For him, it was a fast food joint; for her, a magazine;
They offered up the bounties men most prize.
To schoolboys, grizzled geezers, and all ages in between:
A major dose of legs and breasts and thighs.*
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Mikhail Gorbachev (1931-2022)
Soviet-shmoviet,
Mikhail S. Gorbachev
Pushed perestroika -- what
Hopes we all had!
One thing he missed in his
Counterhegemony:
Should have disposed of a
Weasel named Vlad.
(Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)

Magawa, bomb-sniffing rodent
For a bit of banana or similar chow, a
Small creature can sniff where a land mine is at.
One was said to clear fields in under an hour,
And Cambodian farmers still marvel at that.
With his passing, the country now grieves for Magawa.
So who was this master of smelling? A rat.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Man who got sucked under a swimming pool in Israel
The story I have to relate
Concerns Klil Kimhi's cruel fate:
A dip in a pool
On a sinkhole's not cool --
Going swimmingly's not always great.
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Angela Lansbury (1925-2022)
The world will never be the same:
We've lost our awesome Auntie Mame.
Her long career was one of note;
But now she's gone. (That's all she wrote.)
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Unwise summer reveler
After drinking all day on the fifth of July,
Texan Pablo Ruiz was a hold-my-beer guy
Who, by lighting a firework on top of his head,
Came up with a mind-blowing way to be dead.
(Chris Doyle)

Fred Franzia, wine magnate (1943-2022)
A fine merlot? A pinot gris? An earthy cabernet?
For Fred, these weren't the kinds of wines he set out to purvey.
The Central Valley climate meant his vineyards couldn't yield,
The high-end grapes most favored by the "experts" in the field.
But here among us heathen, he knew he'd have better luck,
By mass-producing Charles Shaw - best known as Two-Buck Chuck.
Today, we fans salute him, in his place beside the Lord,
By raising up a plastic cup of swill we can afford.
(Mark Raffman)

Gallagher (1946-2022)
See-through tarp's what I prefer
Dodging pulp from Gallagher.
Time to put it in the attic;
God took out His Sledge-o-Matic.
(Nan Reiner)

Dwayne Hickman (1934-2022), 1950s-'60s TV actor

The scene: 1950s America. It was great;
A fountain drink for two was called a date;
On TV, young Dwayne tried to thrill us
With wisdom gleaned from life by Dobie Gillis,
For times were simpler then, and more restrained,
And realism had to be contained.
So Dwayne portrayed a "normal" adolescent:
In love, confused--but never once tumescent.

(David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

Kirstie Alley (1951-2022)
When the beers were on you, you earned many a Cheer!
Now you're crossing the bar, and it's you on the bier.
(Duncan Stevens)

Dwayne Hickman (

Diane Hegarty (1942-2022), co-founder of the Church of Satan
Is Satan, as his church proclaims, not real,
But more a metaphorical-type deal?
Or does he - horns and all - in fact exist
And feel a little peeved he's been dismissed?
I'd love to ask Diane if I knew how:
The odds are good she has the answer now.
(Melissa Balmain)

Foolish young mountain climber in Arizona
Standing on a rocky shelf, he
Slipped and took his final selfie.
(Chris Doyle)

Barbara Walters (1929-2022)
No more Barbara Walters
And all of us are blue.
She made it on "20/20"
But not through 2022.
(Kevin Ahern, Corvallis, Ore.)

Richard Leakey (1944-2022)
Richard Leakey and his family tree
All pursued anthropology.
Now his bones are in the ground
In the future to be found.
(Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.)

Ray Liotta (1954-2022) and James Caan (1940-2022)
Both gone! Good Lord, and holy moly!
That takes the cake, plus the cannoli!
Say, two at once--it seems suspicious *
Might you be sleeping with the fishes?

Did someone give you concrete shoes?
An offer did you guys refuse?
If someone got revenge, I'm told,
For worms, their dish is best served cold.
(Duncan Stevens)


Subscribed

Meat Loaf (1947-2022)
Meat Loaf died and many found
That headline quite distressing.
He might still be with us if his name
Was "Salad, Hold the Dressing."
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Gaylord Perry (1938-2022), pitcher notorious for his spitball
I. In heaven's ballpark, Gaylord Perry glares in from the mound;
*The batter waits in silent trepidation.
For all celestial players know the wily hurler's found
The secret to eternal salivation.
(Mark Raffman)

II. The spitballer had a very long run
And outraged baseball snobs.
But cheating to win - was that any fun?
No doubt he'd answer, "Gobs."
(Pam Shermeyer)

Ken Starr (1946-2022)
He just got the news: a friend told Bill Clinton
Fate caught up with his nemesis Starr;
A light in the eye of the ex-Prez is glintin'
As he quietly lights a cigar.
(Duncan Stevens)

And Last: The Style Invitational (1993-2022)
Abracadabra, the
Style Invitational
Died, but it rose from the
Dead in a flash.
One might describe it as
Reincarnational;
Now, like the phoenix, it's
Kicking some ash.
(Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii)

The headline "Letter RIP" is by Dave Prevar; Sam Aaron wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook (tell the admins that you saw us in The Gene Pool); join and the Devs will anagram your name every which way.

The Invitational, Week 2: Nextra! Nextra!
Gene Weingarten
15 hr ago
Read All About It. Predict the big news events of 2023.


We're already a full congressional embarrassment into 2023, but it's still not too late for The Invitational's annual Year in Preview, an idea the Empress "borrowed" years ago from Culture Shlock, the humor column (now on Substack) by 93-time Loser Malcolm Fleschner, who in turn "was inspired by" the annual "Year in Review" of his hero Dave Barry.

This week: Tell us as many as 25 humorous events that "will happen" in 2023, and we'll build a timeline. Include the specific date only if it's relevant to the event (e.g., the date of the Oscars). See examples from previous Year in Preview contests below.


The winner gets mononucleosis. In the form of an adorable keychain-size plush purple parasite with cute eyes and even fetching lashes. Only 250,000 times actual size! Donated by 429-time Loser Dave Prevar, vector of so many of our prize diseases.

CLICK HERE FOR THIS WEEK'S ENTRY FORM.

Deadline is midnight Friday, Jan. 20. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 27.

No new contest results this week, since Week 1, our contest to write funny poems about people who died in 2022, is still running (deadline midnight Friday, Jan. 13 -- see the contest here, where there's a link to that entry form). But for your guidance 'n' inspiration for Week 2, here are selected future-timeline entries from past years:

From 2022 (paywall-free text file of full results here; scroll down past that week's new contest)
January: Astronomers announce the discovery of an Earth-size planet orbiting the star Proxima Centauri. Texas officials immediately designate it as the voting location for all of the state's minority neighborhoods. (Duncan Stevens)

President Biden orders a chocolate cone at an ice cream parlor. Fox News denounces the "War on Vanilla." (Hannah Seidel)

Environmentalists suspect that climate change may be accelerating when longtime denier Sen. James Inhofe, in what many view as a surprising concession, melts. (Duncan Stevens)

Sen. Joe Manchin introduces a bill requiring Santa to deliver a bag of coal to every child, not just the naughty ones. (Lee Graham)

From 2020 (full results here)
Following his annual physical, President Trump reports that he weighs 180, has a BMI of 23 and had a "perfect" Pap smear. (Jon Ketzner)

Focusing on players who will be seeing the most action, the Redskins draft punters in the first three rounds. (Mike Gips)

From 2019 (full results here)
At the request of Make-a-Wish, Trump delivers candy to a hospitalized child, telling her, "I hope you appreciate this, because the docs just told me you have two, maybe three days left tops." (Jeff Contompasis)

The National Council of Teachers of English disbands after a violent battle over inserting a comma into MeToo. (Ira Allen)

The NRA announces, proactively, that there will be nothing that could have been done. (Art Grinath)

From 2018 (full results here)
Punxsutawney Phil predicts an early end to winter. The White House immediately accuses him of "promoting a fake global-warming agenda" and cancels Groundhog Day. (John Hutchins)

Hackers break into the president's Twitter account, posting dozens of sensible tweets before the White House regains control. (Warren Tanabe)

In the seventh round, the Minnesota Vikings draft an end zone choreographer out of Juilliard. (Howard Walderman)

The Thanksgiving turkey pardons Donald Trump. (Mark Raffman)

And last, from 2011, a prediction that could have run every year for the next 11 years, but not for 2023: The Style Invitational once again avoids being a subject for its annual obit-poem contest. (Kevin Dopart)

Which is a good reminder that you have till midnight (wherever you are) Friday, Jan. 13, to enter that very contest. Check out Week 1 of The Invitational.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.

InvisibleInk!
Prize:(Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 1-- Dead Letters
The post-Post humor contest barely skips a beat as the Czar & Empress begin with the annual obit poems.
Gene Weingarten
Jan 5
Hello. Gonna try to get this right today. For those of you who got confused or waylaid by Tuesday's post, the blame goes entirely on the shoulders of Dan Stone, who has the most ridiculously macho name in human history, and whom I will hereby re-name Biff Wellington. Biff is my guru at Substack, and though he was technically not responsible for any of the confusion, he has agreed to publicly take full blame because it is apparently important that Substack writers do not look like incompetent idiots.

Submit a question for future chats here

Today we make history, in the sense of somehow instantly reviving the Invitational, the most brilliant humor contest in the history of the written word, destroyed by The Washington Post, for reasons nobody intelligent has been able to articulate. It's back. It's here. It is newly unfettered by corporate prudishness. And it is run by its two giants of newspaper vulgarity, Pat Myers, the Empress, and myself, The Czar. We are already fighting over the quality of entries; things will go splendidly. Pat and I are not romantically involved, but if this were a sitcom the sexual tension would be unbearable.

Before we begin, a brief intro. One of the most interesting infatuations of the media in the last month has been the sudden, startling birth of Artificial Intelligence, specifically websites like ChatGPT, which is sort of astonishing in the things it can do in seconds. If you ask it to write a sonnet to your significant other, it will, and with at least a minor degree of skill. It has the Webload's degree of information, which it can process almost instantaneously. If you ask it a question about yourself, it will generally deliver reasonable answers.

I entered the site and asked this: "What scandal involved Washington Post writer Gene Weingarten?"

This was the response: "In 2008, Gene Weingarten was suspended without pay for three months after he was found to have plagiarized passages from an article written by another journalist. Weingarten apologized for his actions and vowed to never do it again."

It was fascinating! Humiliating! And totally wrong! I have never been accused of plagiarism, never was suspended. Never apologized.

So clearly, there are still some bugs in the AI system. I doubt if it is possible to sue a machine for libel, but what if it is?

--

Okay, so there will be some questions today, but not many. That starts next week. In the meantime, here is a photo of a 1950s-era clock I just bought and restored (I do that.). The question is, how does it work? The dial is glass. It is electric. There are no gears directly connected to the hands. HOW DOES IT WORK?


Okay, the Invitational.
It's the start of a new year, but more important, the end of an old one. In December, a few months short of its 30th anniversary, The Washington Post pulled the plug on its weekly humor/wordplay contest The Style Invitational, a pioneering exercise in seditious comedy in a mainstream publication, fueled by thousands of great humorists -- the collective noun is the Loser Community -- who shared their vast talent in return for trinkets.

Sounds like a great deal, sign me up!


Subscribed

But thanks to Substack -- and to those of you who've subscribed to The Gene Pool -- boing! It's back right here, nimbly named The Invitational to avoid any pissy lawsuits. It's run, judged and written jointly by Gene, its founder and Czar for its first 11 years, and by Pat Myers, who reigned as Empress for the next 19. So bring out your dead vast talent for a contest the Invite had been doing every January: Write a witty poem of no longer than eight lines (plus an optional title) about someone (or something?) who died in 2022. Here's a list that might help you, but you can use any ex-being.

Here's a winning eulogy from 1998 by 27-time Loser Charlie Steinhice:

Jacques Cousteau (1910-1997):
The knit cap lies empty on the deck,
The once-proud ship feels like a wreck.
At his request, his last remains
Will now become the ocean's gains.
With tear of eye and roll of drum,
We feed the sharks. Farewell, old chum.

And you should also check out last year's Style Invitational winners. (Even better, see the results of previous Invitational obit poem contests: Go to the Master Contest List at NRARS.org, search on "Dead Letters," then click on the links to the results.)

CLICK HERE FOR THIS WEEK'S ENTRY FORM.

The good news: We'll run the results in just two weeks instead of four; they'll be right here in the chat on Thursday, Jan. 19. And you still have eight days to enter: Deadline is midnight Friday, Jan. 13. The bad news: There will be just one trinket, for the winner. But it's a glorious one:


Two genuine 45-rpm singles that would have been in the record store bin marked "Misc.": One is a 1962 recording of the character actor Walter Brennan singing "White Christmas" - or more precisely, he talks about snow in his Grandpa Amos voice from the sitcom "The Real McCoys" while the Johnny Mann Singers croon; the other is "Gallant Men," a patriotic recitation recorded by Senate GOP leader Everett Dirksen that reached No. 29 on the Billboard charts in 1967. Just the discs, no jackets. Donated by Loser Steve Smith from his own collection of whatever.

Meanwhile, The Post was so quick to shut down the Invite that the results of its Week 1515 contest -- to which more than 200 readers submitted some 1,200 entries -- never ran. Till now. They were judged jointly by the Czar and the Empress, mostly in consensus and occasionally with a little compromise, but no longer with censors, except their own "taste."

The joke's on EU: European 'sister cities'
The challenge in Week 1515 was to create humorous "joint ventures" between real cities and towns in Europe and Eurasia.

Third runner-up: The Vienna-Riel-Pickel Crisis Management Center (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) (combines towns in Austria, Netherlands, Germany)

Second runner-up: The Dublin-Tundra Book of Jokes About What She Said (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) (Ireland, Russia)

First runner-up: The Motherwell-Cannes-Loos-Hermanli-Dingle Gender Reassignment Clinic (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) (U.K., France, France, Bulgaria, U.K.)


And the Winner of the lilliputian Belly Button Duster: The Telme-Vassa-Matta International Dial-a-Granny Hotline (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.) (Turkey, Finland, Russia)

Share

Bayer-Leigh-Gottin: Honorable Mentions
The Manisa-Bismal chapter of Misanthropes Anonymous (Ash Sharman, Fairfax, Va.) (Turkey, Turkey)

The None-Of-Yur-Biz-Ness-Bank, with branches only in Zurich and the Cayman Islands (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) (Italy, Turkey, Russia, Albania, Germany, Hungary)

The Sassari-Ikisu 10-step program for drunken mistakes (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) (Italy, Turkey)

The Vigo-Puke-Turin Pub Crawl Club (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) (Spain, Albania, Italy)

The Supa-Calla-Frajga-Listec-Espoo-Ala-Doshnice website of atrocious lyrics (Jesse Frankovich) (Estonia, Italy, Croatia, Bulgaria, Finland, Italy, Albania)

The Unkel-Spitz-Kokkola-Alovera-His-Noo-Cardigan Institute for the Prevention of Uncomfortable Family Gatherings (Frank Mann, Washington) (Germany, Austria, Finland, Spain, France, Estonia, Wales)

The Hell-Nozno-Fiore-Like-Ah-Wim-Ens-Carn Elizabethan Platitude Fair (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) (Norway, Slovenia, Italy, Bosnia, Germany, Austria, France, Ireland)

The Como-Vertou-Aarhaus Center promoting neighborly friendship (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) (Italy, France, Denmark)

The Menden-Herten-Naples Support Group for Nursing Mothers (Joy Rains, Bethesda, Md.) (Germany, Germany, Italy)

The Dublin-Belli Krispy-Kreme European Headquarters (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) (Ireland, Turkey)

The Zwetti-Balzan-Pecs Very Intense Fitness Center (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) (Austria, Malta, Hungary)

The Ancin-Yur-Pance Fidgety Kids' Club (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines, Iowa) (Spain, Russia, France)

The Toome-Much-Pornuse Institute for the Blind (Jesse Frankovich) (U.K., Germany, Estonia)

The Salamis-Ham-Provo-Lone-On-Rye-Holden-Mayo Made-to-Order Sandwich Shop (Mark Raffman) (Greece, Netherlands, Serbia, Ukraine, Belgium, Denmark, Norway, Ireland)

The Sad-Broken-Com-Pany Twitter Employees Union (Mark Raffman) (Ukraine, Sweden, Turkey, Russia)

The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch-
Morzesczyn Speech Therapy Center (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) (Wales, Poland)

The Friesen-Hell consortium to have Russia join NATO (Barbara Turner) (Germany, Norway)

The Hornie-Olde-Manne seniors dating website (Al Lubran, Rockville, Md.) (Slovenia, Denmark, France)

The Olde-Lazy-Bastardo oral history project of grandmas' husbands (Leif Picoult) (U.K., Poland, Italy)

The Tomsk-Dich-Ande-Herry Club for Ordinary People (Leif Picoult) (Russia, Ukraine, France, France)

Jax-Pratt's Lean Cuisine (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.) (France, England)

The Karen-Going-To-Mana-Ger Customer Relations Training Center (Mark Raffman) (Finland, Austria, Norway, Serbia, Spain)

The Puke-Dover-Andover Motion Sickness Clinic (John Winant, Annandale, Va.) (Albania, England, England)

The Otta-Askim Sadie Hawkins Dance (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.). (Norway, Norway)

The Budapest-Banne airport Hare Krishna removal service (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.) (Hungary, France)

The Loket-Dem-Gams Workplace Harassment Clinic (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore, Md.; Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) (Czech Republic, Netherlands, Austria)

The Grimm-Repa Funeral Home (Chris Doyle) (Germany, Serbia)

The Hannover-Fist-Monay-Luzen Cryptocurrency Exchange (Chris Doyle) (Germany, Albania, France, Latvia)

The Last-One-A-Rottenegg International Ponzi Scheme (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) (Germany, Norway, Latvia, Austria)

The Bogas-Hamburg Impossible Meat packing plant (Jesse Frankovich) (France, Germany)

The Az-Hole Road Rage Clinic (Drew Bennett) (Estonia, Sweden)

The Inchmore-Cockwood Erectile Dysfunction Clinic (Laura Clairmont) (Ireland, England)

And Last: The Bourne-Toulouse Invitational Devotees Group (John Winant; Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) (England, France)

The headline "The Joke's on EU" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join and the Devs will anagram your name every which way.

Style Invitational Week 1518: The Style Expirational
After 293/4 years of mayhem and mania, our ink runs dry. This week: Some greatest hits.

By Pat Myers

Many, many years ago -- in a previous century -- a top editor of The Washington Post walked into the office of the Czar of The Style Invitational. The office was, as always, a cluttered mess, which offended this elegant man who wore three-piece suits and carried a pocket watch on a fob. That day, the editor was on a mission. He disapproved of this new addition to his Sunday paper, and dourly warned his coarse and rumpled underling: "I will not permit you to make your contest a repository of bathroom humor." The Czar met his boss's eyes. "Sir, you may rest assured that I will not make The Style Invitational a suppository of bathroom humor."

The editor shuddered almost imperceptibly, and departed, with maybe just a hint of a smidge of a smile. He secretly appreciated moxie, and in time he became one of The Style Invitational's biggest supporters.

And that's because Mr. Fob appreciated, despite the jokes about excreta and the risque innuendo and the silly prizes, that the Invite had also become * sophisticated. Right from the beginning in 1993, through 11 years of the Czar and then 19 years of his usurper, the Empress, the Invitational gleefully mixed vulgarity with urbanity, involving political commentary and jokes that assumed the reader's familiarity with literature, history, science and the news of the day. Rude, sometimes, but smart-rude.

As the Earth traveled around and around the sun -- 29.75 times -- management changed, sensibilities changed, sensitivities changed. The Invitational had thrived on the forbearance of a series of slightly nervous but ultimately trusting editors. That all ends today, quite suddenly, in this final week. We are done.

By "we," of course, we mean not just ourselves but the Loser Community, the more than 5,000 very funny people who've gotten ink over these past 1,517 weeks, in more than 55,000 published entries, willing to work hours on end for a cheesy form of glory, and for silly trinkets.

And so we devote this page to some of The Style Invitational's most memorable entries (in no particular order), which we've chosen from hundreds nominated in the past few days by Invite Losers and fans.

It's our last laugh.

----

This week in The Style Conversational: You be the judge!

In the Empress's final supplementary column, readers can choose their favorite Ask Backwards entries from Week 1514, whose results would have run this week. And the E tells how to enjoy classic Invite ink, stay with the Loser Community, and maybe even enjoy new contests. See wapo.st/conv1518, beginning late afternoon Thursday, Dec. 8.

The kook's tour: Readers' favorite Style Invitational entries

Underachiever's Midlife List of Goals: Win the admiration of my dog. (Jean Lightner Norum, Week 413, 2001)

Neologisms containing POLE: Gestapolemics: Calling your political opponents Nazis. (Chris Doyle, Week 889, 2010)

Change a movie title by one letter: Four Weldings and a Funeral: A man attaches a set of rocket engines to his Chevy and momentarily achieves his dream of driving a flying car. (Gary Crockett, Week 871, 2010)

"Joint legislation" by current members of Congress: The Traficant-DeLay-Akaka Roadside Port-A-Pot Act (Carole and Stephanie Dix, Week 5, 1993)

Change a word by one letter: Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of dry wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. (Tom Witte, Week 278, 1998)

Two words differing by one letter: The difference between genial and genital: It's okay to greet your neighbors with a genial wave. (Brendan Beary, Week 670, 2006)

Good/bad/ugly jokes: Good: You get to spend a summer's day at a beautiful beach. Bad: It's awfully crowded and noisy. Ugly: It is June 6, 1944. (Beverley Sharp, Week 1058, 2014)

Something you don't want to hear after getting married: "Now that's a coincidence. My birth mother's name was Clytemnestra de Nunkyhaven, too!" (Jennifer Hart, Week 229, 1997)

"Da"- limericks: The dachshund, each hair and each wart of it, Serves for the wags to make sport of it. With a sharp, pointy snout, He is squat but stretched out. And that is the long and the short of it. (Mae Scanlan, Week 777, 2008) "Fa-" limericks: A physicist/humorist, Nell, Had a comedy show where she'd tell Of her spreadsheeting gaffes; It drew thousands of laughs Because farce equals math times Excel. (Matt Monitto, Week 1033, 2013)

Then and now: Then: Mayberry and Opie. Now: Mayberry and opioids. (Bruce Carlson, Week 1242, 2017)

Only-in-Washington pickup lines: "Babe, why are you wasting your time with an assistant to a deputy secretary, when you could be with me, a deputy assistant undersecretary?" (Dan Steinberg, Week 519, 2003)

"Breed" two racehorse names and name the foal:

Cloud Man x Extra Fifty = Meatierologist (Jonathan Paul, Week 914, 2011)

Perfect Saint x Caribbean = Francis of a C Sea (Danielle Nowlin, Week 1170, 2016)

Life on the Road x Villainous = RV Weinstein (Steve Langer, Week 1400, 2020)

Above, Sophie Crafts's winning video parody from Week 1440, 2021. If you can't see it, click here.

Neologisms totaling 14 Scrabble points: Buphoon: An ill wind from Washington that blows nobody any good. (Stephen Dudzik, Week 1402, 2020)

"Balliol rhymes," mini-verses about people: My name is Lady Liberty. I welcome you, if you should be With bulging purse, and you're from Norway. Otherwise, back out the doorway. (Nan Reiner, Week 1372, during the Trump administration)

Song parodies about the news: To "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas": Have yourself a gerrymandered district, Draw some artful lines; Make it look like 12 exploding porcupines. Have yourself a gerrymandered district, Slice and dice the votes: Safe seat, even if they catch you screwing goats. Once we'd choose folks who stood for us; "Go do good for us," we said -- Threw out those who were abusing us. Now they're choosing us instead. Draw it up so you can't be defeated, Be you saint or heel, 'Cause John Roberts says that this is no big deal, So have yourself a seat no one can ever steal. (Duncan Stevens, Week 1339, 2019)

What to do with the 14-mile supercollider tunnel: Just rename it the Martha Washington Monument. (Michael Sweet, Week 35, 1993)

Good/bad ideas: Good idea: Give her a bowl of irises. Bad idea: Give her Ebola viruses. (Frank Osen, Week 1091, 2014)

Signs of spring in Washington: In a lighthearted, festive mood, Metro riders read the Economist instead of Congressional Quarterly. (David Genser, Week 209, 1997)

Bad product endorsers: John Wayne Bobbitt for Microsoft. (Chuck Smith, Week 52, 1994) Lorena Bobbitt for Johnson Wax. (Larry Yungk, Week 783, 2008)

Bad things to say in a job interview: Applicant: "Say, those girls in the photos on your desk, are they seeing anyone, well not the fat one, but those other two?" (Russell Beland, Week 698, 2007)

New sports: Marrython: The only endurance sport where you try not to reach the finish line. (Melissa Balmain, Week 1444, 2021)

"Dear xxx" notes: Dear President Lincoln: Please note change to "87" for conciseness. Sincerely, Copy Editor (Beverley Sharp, Week 900, 2011)

Rearrange the words of a movie title: "The Kwai on the River Bridge": Barbara Walters narrates a moving story of two lovers saying goodbye above the Seine. (Roy Ashley, Week 1008, 2013)

Explain part of the Constitution (to "Maria" from "West Side Story") Militia! They say I can have a militia. With muskets for my men, Straight from the 18th cen . . . tury. Militia! But I don't see any indicia That I can't keep in stock A Luger or a Glock, or three. Militia! Some grenades strapped around my forehead, And an AR-15 for my sorehead. Militia . . . and maybe a warhead . . . (Nan Reiner, Week 1293, 2018)

Cynical takes on platitudes:

You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly. (Elden Carnahan, Week 531, 2003)

Never say die. I've tried, and it doesn't actually make people die. (Tom McCudden, Week 531)
BADLY FORMATTED HTML; NO MATCHING /DIV

Style Invitational Week 1517: See you next week . . .
(But not after that.) Plus winning greeting-card rhymes for non-greeting-card occasions.

By Pat Myers

Click here to skip down to the winning greeting-card rhymes for non-greeting-card occasions

We have some news. There's no new contest this week, because it's the next-to-last week of The Style Invitational. The Empress will wrap things up next Sunday, Dec. 11, in print (Thursday, Dec. 8, online), with a little greatest-hits assortment of favorite Invite entries from our past 293/4 years. And we'd like you to help: This week: Nominate your favorite inking entries -- your own or someone else's -- to be included in next week's final edition. But you need to send it soon -- no later than Monday night, Dec. 5. Send them on the entry form at wapo.st/enter-invite-1517.

To refresh your memory, or just to enjoy poring over the archives, check out the Master Contest List at the Loser Community's own website, NRARS.org. There's a drop-down menu for various contest categories, or just scroll or search down the whole main list. If you know some words to search for in an entry, you can look in the All Invitational Text file on the same website (wait a few seconds for it to load). Or just describe it to me the best you can and I'll probably figure out what the heck you had in mind.

Bonus joke contest! Pictured is a bowl of the 29 remaining little clown heads that won't become Clowning Achievement trophies. What should we do with them? I'll run a few ideas (use the same entry form above); winner gets one of the heads.

Losers working on Week 1516, Questionable Journalism: You can stop perusing; that contest is canceled.

The headline "Teasin's Greetings" is by Jesse Frankovich, "LOLmark Cards" by Kevin Dopart; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. The Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook is still active at on.fb.me/invdev, as are Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday and @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column will run this week (briefly) and next (with a chance for readers to judge the Ask Backwards contest!). See this week's -- published late Thursday, Dec. 1 (the E is still catching her breath here) -- at wapo.st/conv1517.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Teasin's greetings; LOLmark cards for non-greeting-card occasions

In Week 1513 we asked for greeting-card rhymes for non-greeting-card occasions. Lots of colonoscopy congratulations; sorry, they were all purged.

4th place:

To My Client's Husband
This message is sent to you straight from the source:
The party is over. She wants a divorce.
You've used up your chances, you lizard-faced louse.
You've taken her heart, but she's keeping the house.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

3rd place:

To the Fancy Restaurant Where We Dined Last Night
We waited half an hour even though we got there early,
The maitre d' was dour and the waitress downright surly,
The wilted Caesar salad featured croutons soft and soggy,
The Steak au Poivre was pallid (wouldn't serve it to my doggy!).
The chocolate mousse? No winner! And the kicker: indigestion!
(But comp us a free dinner and we'll see you soon, no question.)
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

2nd place

and the earrings in the shape of toilet paper rolls:

Happy C-section day! Have a ball!
It's the best birthday party of all,
With no favors to make and/or buy, no
Requests for a layer-cake dino,
No tantrums to rattle your nerves,
And no carpets with ground-in hors d'oeuvres.
(The one downside, of course, is you've gotta
Be opened like you're the pinata.)
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Today you are You, that is truer than true.
There is no one alive who is youer than you.
Yet I've stolen your wallet, your identity too --
Very soon I'll seem so much more youer than you!
(Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Cardy B's: Honorable mentions


Remember those times in fourth grade
When I shared the box lunch my mom made?
"What's mine is yours" was our motto.
So congrats now on winning the lotto.
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

I'm sending this card and composing this ode
To say that I'm sorry I clogged your commode.
It ruined your party. I couldn't feel dumber.
But here is the good news: My cousin's a plumber.
(Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)

Dear Mr. Cruz: Although I'm just
A no-good liberal commie,
Accept my deep condolences
On this year's "red tsunami."
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Condolences! Heard you got fired,
And worse, your dismissal was brusque.
Oh, wait * it's congrats! You're rehired
To clean up the mess made by Musk.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

We're sad to say you bounced a check
At our fresh-produce stand.
We want to trust our customers
Don't want to see you banned.
We like for folks to buy our wares,
But since you did upset us:
We gleefully inform you there's
E. coli in your lettuce.
(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

You're no longer at Fox --
I hear you were sacked --
But congrats that at last
You reported a fact.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Congratulations on Your Conscription
I know you must have been surprised
To find that you'd been mobilized,
But I hope you'll love your new career.
With warmest wishes -- Vladimir
(Stephen Gold, London)

Your DNA tests are complete:
Your health markers aren't too bad.
And we found your half-siblings in nine different states;
So you might want to talk with your dad.
(Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

How funny to see you in Jersey last week --
I rarely head out that direction.
I told all the neighbors! We think it's just great
That you've gone into witness protection.
(Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)

You wrote about trans kids
Growing up in Atlantis,
So congrats on your book
Being banned by DeSantis. (Kevin Dopart)

You failed to scoop
Your best friend's poop
So it's been sent back.
(See enclosed sack.)
(John Klayman, Fairfax, Va.)

Life is full of ups and downs
A bushel of smiles, a bundle of frowns
But yesterday's crash makes us all want to tiptoe
So sorry, my dear, for the loss of your crypto.
(Madelyn Rosenberg, Arlington, Va.)

When life gave you lemons, you made lemonade.
We applaud you for your inner grit,
But though you were 8, taxes should have been paid.
Here's your IRS bill. Please remit.
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

You're such a helpful neighbor
Reminding us to mow
To weed, to paint, to rake the leaves
To shovel all that snow.
And thanks for all the tools you've loaned us
The rake, the hoe, the ax!
What would we do without you?
Probably relax.
(Frank Mann, Washington)

And Last:
Congrats on your Style Invitational win
Winning Loser in The Post,
Here's to you! Let's make a toast:
"Celebrate your witty words,
Lining cages under birds." (Mark Raffman)

And Lastest (and do we mean Lastest!):
You won the Invitational
Congrats! It was sensational!
You honed your writing every day;
From 9 to 5 you worked away.
And though, this means so much to you,
It's not the job you're s'posed to do.
The Empress may be quite inspired
But I'm your boss. You Lose. You're fired!
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)


InvisibleInk!
Idea:()
Examples:()
Title:(Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart)
Subhead:(Jesse Frankovich)
Prize:()
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1516: Questionable Journalism
Find a sentence and write a funny question to go with it. Plus 26-word writing -- and each word begins with a different letter.

By Pat Myers

November 23, 2022 at 9:45 a.m. EST

Click here to skip down to the winning 26-word alphabetical sentences

A. "I hadn't seen that kind of positivity in a while. It was really cool." (Quote in a Washington Post article)
Q. Why were you rubbing balloons all over the cat? (Frank Osen)

A. "We're working our way happily and steadily through the process of production." (Post article)
Q. What did the mechanical engineer reply when his mother-in-law said, "We hope you'll soon make us proud grandparents"? (Cathy Lamaze)

A. It's very rare to find a continuous curved plane like that. (Quote about the round Hirshhorn Museum)
Q. Why is there so much excitement about Boeing's new Frisbee-shaped aircraft? (Mae Scanlan)

We've had lots of fun with this contest over the years: It's in our venerable "Jeopardy!"-style answer/question format, plus it lets you willfully misinterpret the news media! This week: Choose any sentence (or the major part of a sentence) from any publication dated Nov. 23-Dec. 5 and invent a question it could answer, as in the examples above from previous Questionable Journalism contests. It can be in an article or ad, but it should read like a sentence, not a headline. Tell us the name of the publication and the date and (if in print) the page number; for online publications, please include a link to the webpage. (Hmm, the "positivity" example is two sentences -- well, that's okay, too, as long as it's short.)

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1516 (no capitals in the web address). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 5; results appear Dec. 25 in print (delivered right down your chimney), Dec. 22 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives -- almost in time for Christmas -- a Douglas fir "tree in a box" -- and that box is a 21/2-inch cardboard cube. Inside the cube are a few seeds, a starter peat pot and a mini-booklet of instructions and lore. If all goes right, you could grow a Christmas tree in just 7 to 10 years. Donated by Loser Daphne Steinberg.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Lettery Winners" is by Jon Gearhart; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter (no check mark for us!).

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses the week's new contest and results. See classic Questionable Journalism winners this week (published late Wednesday, Nov. 23) at wapo.st/conv1516.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Lettery winners: Alphabetical writing

In Week 1512 the Empress asked the Losers to write something 26 words long in which every word started with a different letter. The one permitted exception: So we wouldn't have a whole page of X-rays and xylophones, you had the option to make your X-word one in which the X was in the middle, but pronounced like "ex." (Also, hyphenated compounds could count as either one or two words.) The results of this tough challenge: way more readable than we expected.

An inordinate number of the better entries referred to the Invite itself; see more of the "And Last" types in this week's Style Conversational.

4th place:

[An A-to-Z passage] A boastful cad dated every female, going, "Honey, I just know lots! Mansplaining? Not on point -- quite ridiculous!" such that, unfailingly, vexed women eXclaimed, "You zero!" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

3rd place:

An ominous movie nauseated weekend viewers, inducing projectile retching everywhere. Grown-ups: flashback -- eXuding queasiness, upchucking zealously, yelling deliriously, kneeling lamely. Title? "Junior High Cafeteria: Beef Surprise." (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

2nd place

and the "spider skeleton":

Conductor in rehearsal: "Violins, you're scratchy and flat! Trombones -- don't bray like mating zebras! Kettledrums, what extraordinarily horrendous noise! Xylophone: unbelievably grotesque -- just quit! Otherwise -- perfect." (Jonathan Jensen, a bassist in the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

"I'd like to follow Xiao Qi Ji virtually on National Zoo's giant panda cam." "Uh, why? You do know he merely eats bamboo and sleeps, right?" (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Alphagetaboutit! Honorable mentions

Quintessential humiliation: Observing triathletes wilting, Jack, eXhibiting graciousness (and pretentiousness), loudly yelled "Courgette!" until realizing: "Knucklehead! Damn my French! I've been shouting 'zucchini' -- not encouraging 'valor.' " (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.)

I have this very large zit on my nose, coffee's quite bitter, rain keeps falling. You eXclaim, "What a great day, everybody!" Just shut up, Pollyanna! (Hildy Zampella, Vienna, Va.)

Some Oddly Trivial Presidential Information
Assassinated: Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, Kennedy
Questionable election: Bush
Watergate: Nixon
Union head: Reagan
Famous Virginian/Declaration creator: Jefferson
Yemeni eXtraction: Zero
(Louise Dodenhoff Hauser, Sarasota, Fla.)

Quick! Get ready -- the holidays are coming! Expect buyfests, limited parking, very eXcited kids, many invitations, zealous overindulgence, no sleep. (Forget dieting; just undo your waistband!) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

For Thanksgiving, I might go all-out with ribs, sauteed zucchini, wagyu kebabs, quail loins, eggplant parmesan, jellied yams, eXtra uni, veal Nicoise. Or Chef Boyardee. Decisions! (Leif Picoult)

First we'll quaff some hearty, undiscovered California zinfandels. Next, a vat of eXpertly blended reds: juicy malbec, earthy pinot, young Grenache. Last: Italian dolcetto. Then * klunk! (Jonathan Jensen)

Rules for Public Speaking: Arise, be direct; maintain eye contact with group, host, individuals; just keep letting natural openness quicken. Then (unless vain), eXamine your zipper. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

[A limerick]
"Caesar's"' dead, likewise "Tsar," also "Kaiser";
"Humankind's just zoomed past 'em, grown wiser,"
Yammer eXperts. But news
Makes idyllic, quaint views
Smell of ultra-robust fertilizer.
(Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)

Boomers judged Xers "lazy slackers," who deemed the following youth cohort "quintessentially entitled kids needing unceasing praise." Okay, Millennials, have at it -- vilify Generation Z's reputation! (Karen Lambert)

Everyone residing in Who-ville felt zealous concerning Xmas quite a lot * but the Grinch, you know, up on his snowy mountain perch, did NOT! Jerk! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

Stop using XamfirPM if you experience: headaches, joint pain, flaming discharge, wilted ribs, night quacking, glowing, cloven toes, kaleidoscopic vision, lycanthropy, Bea Arthur mimicking, or zombification. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Latest, greatest Star Wars offering by Disney Plus is "Jabba the Hutt's Uncle's Cousin's EXcellent Quest: Visiting Yavin and Naboo, Zapping Kylo Ren, Flogging Ewok Merchandise." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Exciting hot quickies on weathered pine bleachers
Can give new romance eXtra zing.
Just know (very fast!) you'll discover, undoubtedly:
Love is a many splintered thing.
(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

Elon Musk owns Twitter! Now you downtrodden racists, xenophobes, gun zealots, QAnon wackos, Putin vindicators, incels and Klansmen can join up. Let free (hate) speech bloom! (Chris Doyle)

Discerning blurry outlines in Himalayan mountain zones, gullible visitors uttered: "Just look! We've finally espied proof! The abominable snowman eXists!" Knowledgeable citizens responded: "Not quite yeti." (Karen Lambert)

Deep scars left by your vulgar, malevolent eX-president have not faded. Gross, unruly QAnon zealots jabber kooky, offensive propaganda. I won't even consume a "Right Twix." (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

When Donny hurls zingers at Ronny, great fun!
There's nothing quite like it -- showtime's begun!
Unruly young children, just playing king,
Vast mountains of ego -- eXhilarating!
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

[Retelling a Greek myth] Athena's birth cracked Dad's enormous forehead, giving him immense jarring karma. Lovely Metis, now obviously pregnant, quaked reflexively. Swallowed, the undigested victim wailed excitedly, "Yours, Zeus!" (Frank Mann, Washington)

January: Yow, GOP unleashed! Looming excitement: required AR-15 ownership; Election Ninja hearings; QAnon Committee; Dark Brandon impeachment; zero tolerance -- prison! -- for "wokeness." Speaker: Marjorie? Kanye? Vladimir? (Duncan Stevens)

And Last: God knows regular quipping's not very challenging, but making you use eXactly twenty-six words, each one having a different first letter, is just plain zany. (Jesse Frankovich)

And Even Laster: Before entering the Invitational, always first question yourself honestly: Does my joke responsibly eXhibit wisdom, underscore legitimate knowledge or zealously promote virtue? No? Great -- click submit! (Karen Lambert)

More "And Lasts" in The Style Conversational at wapo.st/conv1516.

Still running -- deadline Monday night, Nov. 28: Our contest to join two or more European town names in a "joint venture." See wapo.st/invite1515.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:()
Examples:(Frank Osen; Cathy Lamaze; Mae Scanlan)
Title:(Jon Gearhart)
Subhead:(Jesse Frankovich)
Prize:(Daphne Steinberg)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1515: Munich-ipals -- European 'sister cities'
Plus 'fist"ICU"ffs' and other winning 'air quotes'

By Pat Myers

November 17, 2022 at 10:05 a.m. EST

Click here to skip down to the winning "air quotes"

The Moron (Spain)-Lost (Germany) Election Denial Center

The Chester-Brest Any-Gender Bra (England, France)

The Essen-Emmen "Adult Activity" Center (Germany, Netherlands)

The Brighton-Erle Alarm Clock Works Ltd. (England, Germany)

Ten weeks ago the Empress sent the Loser Community on a search through U.S. maps in a contest to supply two or more town names and a wordplay "joint venture" (e.g., Jon Gearhart's "Iowa-Latta-Green Student Loan Forgiveness Program, from towns in Louisiana, Oklahoma and Ohio).

This time, at the suggestion of Loser Randy Lee, we're going to do it again, but further afield: Choose any two or more towns from the 51 countries in Europe/Eurasia and come up with a joint endeavor the "sister cities" would undertake, as in the examples above. And Randy also offers a very nifty tool: At geotargit.com, you can type in any name, and it'll tell you where in the world there's a city with that name. (But any source is fine as long as the town shows up on Google.) Which 51 countries exactly? Let's use the list for Europe at countries-ofthe-world.com. (You may use a town anywhere in Russia or Turkey, even if it's in the Asian part of that country.) And while I demanded that the U.S. towns be pronounced correctly, this time I'll be more lenient toward visual puns, especially for less famous towns.

One more thing: In Week 1505, many people went to town (so to speak) with long, unwieldy strings of cities that were supposed to sound like a lengthy phrase or sentence. I'm not forbidding you to do that for Week 1515, but unless they're very easy for me to read (and of course lederhosen-splittingly funny) I'm going to favor the shorter combinations.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1515 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 28; results appear Dec. 18 in print, Dec. 15 online. (New entry form this week! The Empress's life is impossibly exciting.)

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a "belly button duster," which looks like a looped toilet brush if the toilet were the size of a walnut shell. It's not much more than an inch long, so you'll have plenty of room for more Invite detritus prizes in the future. Donated by Loser Steve Smith.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "In'SI'de Jokes" is by Kevin Dopart; Kevin also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1515.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

In'SI'de jokes: Winning 'air quotes' from Week 1511

Week 1511 was another round of our "air quotes" contest to find revealing words inside other words. Among the almost 1,500 entries were a lot of Pat"riots," too many to credit individually, but blessedly almost no more T"rump" and "fun"eral.

4th place:

Fist"ICU"ffs: Why it's not the best idea to confront the guy who took your parking space. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

3rd place:

S"ex"ting: How you lost your wife. (Al Lubran, Rockville, Md.)

2nd place

and the "101 Pooping Puppies" jigsaw puzzle:

Marve"lous e"vening!: [Thinks] "What a jerk!" (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

"RSV"P: Yes, we'd be delighted! And we'll be bringing little Makayla -- don't worry, her virus is almost all better." (Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington)

C'ha'ff: Honorable mentions

Dou"bleh"eader: When sitting through one game isn't boring enough. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.)

"Bro"ccoli: A nutritious cruciferous vegetable that's been beer-battered, deep-fried and served with queso dip. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

D"erring"-do: What follows "hold my beer." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

"Demo"cracy: We have the beta version. Thanks for finding the problems. (Howard Ausden, Damascus, Md.)

Col"ono"scopy: It can't have been 10 years already -- wait, holidays don't count toward that, right? (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.)

Fir"ST D"ate: I'll remember this night forever. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

"End"orsement: A big announcement about breaking ties. "Whoa, that's another huge 'end'orsement Ye just picked up." (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.)

B"ye"-B"ye": Not waiting for another shoe to drop. -- Adidas Group (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Dis"app"ointment: When you swipe right and they swipe left. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.)

Missis"sip"pi River: After month after month of drought, what's left when the Mighty has fallen. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Pre"ten"ding: Photoshopping your dating profile photo. (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.)

S"edit"ion: [Capitol tourists] having [legitimate political discourse]. (Kevin Dopart; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Ae"rofl"ot: The world's best airline, as voted every year by the Russian Ministry of Transport. (Chris Doyle)

"Hood"wink: "Well, sir, looks like your entire engine needs replacing." (Karen Lambert)

"LAPD"ogs: Los Angeles' experimental Shih Tzu K-9 corps was quickly disbanded. (Chris Doyle)

"Lead"ership: Corporate management that doesn't like to change course, even if it means sinking to the bottom of the sea. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)

"Q"uestions: A way to spread ludicrous disinformation in the guise of inquiry. "How do we know AOC isn't Vladimir Putin in disguise? Hey, I'm just asking 'q'uestions here." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

"Fart"her: The correct distance from me after a Tex-Mex meal. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

G"over"nor: What you get with Virginia's one-term limit. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

H"OT C"hocolate: This mood stabilizer doesn't require a prescription. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

In"flu"encer: An anti-vaxxer who makes you go viral. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

I"dent"ifier: That bumper ding that helps you tell your silver Camry from the other three in your parking lot row. (Scott Richards, Hollywood, Md.)

In"tell"ectual: No, you hadn't mentioned that you're a Mensa member -- today. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Met"averse": Hand over even more data to Mark Zuckerberg? Count me out. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Mort"gag"e: "The interest rate went up to WHAT?" (Karen Lambert)

Mys"elf": The one person I can count on to get me the perfect Christmas gift. (Steve Smith)

Va"cat"ion: Eat, play, sleep, repeat. (John Klayman, Fairfax, Va.)

"E-ducat"ed: Well versed in cryptocurrency matters. (Byron Miller, Cobble Hill, B.C.)

"Ma"rtyrdom: "You never call." "Where have I failed?" "What did I do to deserve this?" (Tom Witte)

Academy A"war"ds: Co-hosted by Will Smith and Chris Rock. (Mark Raffman)

An"glop"hile: Someone who loves British dishes like toad in the hole and spotted dick. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Ron DeS"anti"s: Governor with firm stands on racial progress, science-based policy and Mickey Mouse. (Mark Raffman)

B"ID"et: The next technology after facial recognition. (Steve Baldwin, Bethesda)

B"oz"o: A New Jersey clown who thinks Pennsylvania is the place to shop for crudites. (Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle)

Bo"redo"m: "I'm sick of beige, honey -- let's paint the living room chartreuse!" (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

E"arf"ul: What the dog gives you when FedEx comes to the door. (Byron Miller)

F"IRS"tborn: Congratulations, you've got a bouncing baby deduction! (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Hal"low"een: The Bit O' Honey and candy corn left in the bottom of the sack. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)

To"xi"c: Unhealthy for China, and the world. (Frank Mann, Washington)

F"utility": The exercise of trying to get a helpful Verizon person on the line. (Judy Freed)

S"poo"f: Slipping a Baby Ruth bar into the neighborhood pool. (Chris Doyle)

Save A"me"rica: The main beneficiary of the Trump PAC. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

In"stall"er: Now up to excuse No. 7 for why my kitchen renovation's not done. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

And Last: C"low"ning Achievement: The top prize from the bottom of all literary awards. (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.)

Still running -- deadline Monday night, Nov. 21: Our perennial "Ask Backwards" contest. See wapo.st/invite1514.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:(Randy Lee)
Examples:(Jon Gearhart; Bob Staake)
Title:(Kevin Dopart)
Subhead:(Kevin Dopart)
Prize:(Steve Smith)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1514: Ask Backwards XLI
We answer, you ask. Plus winning poems using just one vowel.

By Pat Myers

November 10, 2022 at 10:02 a.m. EST

Click Click here to skip down to the winning one-vowel poems

The Next Name After Commanders * Cat Toothpaste * Vegan Bone Broth * Sunset, Sunrise * A Blue Check * Still a Googlenope * Tournament of Chimps * A Bad Name for an Ikea Product * Ye's Next Fashion Line * The iPhone 29 Pro * Even Ken Burns Wouldn't Do This One * 42 Minutes * The Style Invitational Mascot * A Snickerdoodle * Three Squats and a Burpee * Rutabaga Ginsburg * A Leaf Blower and a Garden Slug * National Bubble Radio * You Boil It

Yes, good Roman-numeral-readers/Super Bowl fans, it's our 41st go at this "Jeopardy"-adjacent game. Above are the answers; you supply the questions -- up to 25 of them for any or all. (Note that there are more in the list above than in Bob Staake's cartoon.)

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1514 (no capitals in the Web address; see formatting instructions on the entry form). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 21; results appear Dec. 11 in print, Dec. 8 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this "Rutabaga Ginsburg" T-shirt, discovered by Loser Craig Dykstra at a Goodwill. (No, it won't necessarily be the Rutabaga Ginsburg question that wins the shirt, but it would be fun.)

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Ink With Wit in It" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1514.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Ink with wit in it: One-vowel poems from Week 1510

In Week 1510 the Empress presented the clearly daunting challenge to write a poem containing only one of the vowels A, E, I, O and U. She read through lots of "nymph wryly syncs lymph's spryly lynx crypt tryst's sly cry" to bring you the ingenious verses below.

4th place:

Pool host snorts: "Yo, porno thong!
So gross! Not cool, fool. Now, go long!"
Choosy moms'll opt to toss
Bros who don only bottom floss.
(Frank Mann, Washington)

3rd place:

Got droop of bottom, or oblong bosom of sorrow?
Go not to body doctors to crop or boost tomorrow.
Trot hot! Drop low! Show off yo' promontory!
Now boldly sport yon chonk or flop! Opt for no "sorry" story!
(Christy Tosatto, full-time RV nomad currently stopping in Asheville, N.C.)

2nd place

and the paperweights containing real cicadas:

Gen. 2-3
The scene: Eden. Key decree:
"Heed me, Eve; eschew the tree."
Yet Eve the clever serpent met;
The serpent tempted Eve; she et.
Next she fed her peer, the gent.
Then men fell -- we hence repent.
(Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Repressed, dejected, Ed pens, then sends text:
"Beekeeper: eschews revels, sex, the next
New scene; prefers the decent chew; esteems
Svelte slenderness; detests expense, lewd themes.
Seeks helpmeet: gentle; sews; rejects excess
(The perverse, presents, jewels), expects less;
Reveres strength; never henpecks; sweeps; meek, sweet."
Ellen sees, retches, then presses "Delete."
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

These deserve less esteem: Honorable mentions

Biding in Wilds in Chilly Twilight
By Ribt. Frist
Which wild is this? I think I'm right,
His living isn't in my sight.
Invisibly, I visit still,
With flitting drifts in shiny flight.
My filly's whinny, timid trill:
I'm sitting by this icy rill,
In wintry, frigid wild? Why?
This night I find in inky spill.
My hill is dimly lit by sky,
This wild is inviting * sigh *
I'm riding till my crib is nigh,
I'm riding till my crib is nigh.
(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Beer Revelry
We're merry, we're blessed,
We're never depressed.
We're cheeky, we're cheery,
We belch, then we jest.
Wherever there's beer
We never feel stressed.
Fetch beer!
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Beer Revelry 2
We're never ever reverent,
"We're free! We're best!" we cheer.
We'll never rest! we're cleverest!
We merely need the beer.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

West's ever newsy,
Sez, "Every Jew screws me." The
Less Ye, the better.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

So Old So Soon
Bloodwork poor. No oomph or pop.
Myopy, woozy. Jowls. Low-T.
Snowy top, soft pot, foot rot.
Tho' colon's not too polypy.
(Ash Sharman, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender)

Feh, Recent Red-Pelts!
New emblem's meh, the ex-term smelt;
The bevy, recent-Red-Type-Pelt --
They're fettered, hexed; the shell needs shed.
"De-Snyder, feckless crew!" we've pled.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And *
Scram, Dan! Walk! Say, Walla Walla!
Qatar! Caracas! Alps! Valhalla!
Cart that gang away, Mad Dan!
A hand? Glad fans'll pack that van.
(Duncan Stevens)

It's tricky living
With highly spicy chili:
My tightly binding lining
Is firing willy-nilly.
(Dale Frankel, Bloomfield Hills, Mich.)

Aw/Ah Ha-ha
A Yank can't stand an Alabama drawl,
That lazy "Mama wants a drank, y'all."
And Alabamans always say "ha ha!"
At any Waltham, Mass., man's "pahk ya cah."
(Jonathan Jensen)

Sam was cagy, had a plan:
Sack a bank and nab a van.
What a brassy act (and scary!)
Had a whack at "cash-and-carry."
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

A man, a plan, a Panama? That
Wasn't a canal -- nay, 'twas a hat.
(Amy Livingston, Highland Park, N.J., a First Offender)

spring wings sing smiling
lilting in still night chirping
bird dirt dripping. Ick.
(Irene Plotzker, Wilmington, Del.)

An ant farm, a scarf, and a fat panda!
Thanks, Santa!
What? Thank Ma and Pa??
Angst.
(Randy Lee, Burke, Va.)

Tomorrow off? Oh no, poor fool.
Snowstorms stop not work nor school.
From top to bottom, lowdown gloom:
Old boss now knows to go on Zoom.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Wacky Grandma alarms all --
That gas-gland can amass gasps.
Nana claps and says, "Yay!"
Thanks, fatty Spam cans.
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

The gentle sex'll be
Deftly preggers-free
When selfless he-men
Elect seedless semen.
(Chris Doyle)

Oh look! Slow down to shop for old Ford.
Old Ford looks cool, smooth, bold. Oh Lord, so good.
Got Ford.
Oops, oh no, poor Ford!
Motor now hot: growls, stops.
Too hot. Old motor shot.
Soot on hood, roof, floor, doors.
Now, Ford won't go. Bloody, gory horror show.
Now tow to Ford body shop.
(G.T. Bowman, Falls Church, Va.)

Kleenex everywhere, very sneezy,
Eyes feel weepy, chest seems wheezy.
Temp exceeds 99 degrees.
Sheesh, need remedy, MD, jeez!
"These keys help fevers deplete:
Wet sheets, leeches, smelly feet.
Next, chew nettles, gently scented."
Heed the expert, Dr. Demented.
(Yet he regrets these few effects:
Green teeth, eye bleeds, lepers' necks.)
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

A Sad Ballad
Ah! Ah! Alack and alas!
Ah! Alas and alack!
A bard crafts a sad ballad,
And sang that ballad back:

'Twas a dark and sad and clammy day;
A lark caws daftly, madly.
And Alma--Ah, that Alma! --
Alma crafts a salad, badly.

Alma was a tall lass,
and a stalwart lass, and calm.
Alma attacks a chard stalk,
a saw at Alma's palm.

As tall as a hat rack Alma was,
and as drab as a bad banana,
and Alma's natty salad-saw --
as sharp as a katana!

As calm as stagnant Armagnac
And as gay as a clam, was Alma.
And Alma's wan and pasty hands?
Alma can't act calma!

Alas! As sand can fall aslant,
and pass a glass shaft,
as hay and straw can stand apart
and an ax can crack an ax's haft *

A stray sassafras branch mars Alma's calm
as Alma hacks and hacks.
An awkward hand strays -- and an ax falls --
Alma pays a dark tax *

Aghast, Alma calls: "Ah!"
An arm (ah, tardy!) snaps back.
At Alma's arm's aft, a hand?
Nay! A hand's lack!

Ah! Ah! Alack and alas!
Ah! Alas and alack!
A bard crafts a sad ballad,
And sang that ballad back;

Ah! Ah! A lack and a lass!
Ah! A lass and a lack!
A bard crafts a sad ballad,
And Alma -- a bad salad.
(Daniel Galef, Tallahassee)

And Lasts:
We'll enter wee verses; we'll jest.
The Empress, she'll keep the few best.
The rejects less clever?
Be seen, these'll never --
She'll next feed her shredder the rest.
(Jesse Frankovich)

I'm writing till midnight, I'm scripting this pitch,
I'm wittily grinning, I'm striking it rich.
My insights! I'm thinking,
It'll kill! This is Inking!
Is it childishly fiddling, whilst digging this ditch?
(Frank Osen)

Still running -- deadline Monday night, Nov. 14: Our contest for greeting-card rhymes for novel occasions. See wapo.st/invite1513.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:()
Examples:()
Title:(Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead:(Jesse Frankovich)
Prize:(Craig Dykstra)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1513: You're such a card
Write a greeting-card-style rhyme for a NON-greeting-card occasion. Plus winning combo-movies.

By Pat Myers

November 3, 2022 at 9:40 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to the combined one-word movie titles

So they're putting your house on TV
On that show that so many will see!
Though we're not sure congrats are in order,
Since the neighbors will know you're a hoarder.

This week's contest comes at the suggestion of Loser Extraordinaire Duncan Stevens, who's lately been tidying up the 1,512-row Master Contest List at the Losers' website, NRARS.org, fine-tuning the descriptions of all Style Invitational contests since Week 1 in 1993 (complete with links to all their texts). Duncan thought it'd be fun to redo Week 509 (2003): Come up with a greeting card rhyme for an un-greeting-card occasion. The occasions getting ink 19 years ago included having plastic surgery, getting a subpoena, having a Hummer booted and being traded to the Wizards.

Duncan's idea was heartily endorsed by "lonnnnngtime Hallmark freelancer" Bob Staake, who offers (to us, not to Hallmark) the sentiments and cartoon above.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1513 (no capitals in the web address). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 14; results appear Dec. 4 in print, Dec. 1 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of adorable tiny earrings with little toilet paper rolls hanging down. It's up to you whether to wear them with the "paper" hanging in front or behind. Donated by Loser Cheryl Denney White.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Smush Hits" is by Kevin Dopart; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1513; the E shares the results of the 2003 contest, plus some astonishingly edgy "greeting cards" from 2006.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Smush hits from Week 1509: Combining 1-word movie titles

In Week 1509, we asked you to combine two one-word movie titles to make a new movie. Many of the 2,200 entries were as painfully obvious as a Lifetime special ("Traffic Misery": Following the Beltway at rush hour) but we can't show you 2,200 entries anyway. Just this much better selection.

4th place:

Gaslight Harvey: People try to convince a giant rabbit that he's crazy when he insists that Jimmy Stewart is following him around. (Hildy Zampella, Vienna, Va.)

3rd place:

Madagascar Rent: In this documentary, D.C. area workers go farther and farther afield in search of affordable housing. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.)

2nd place

and the 1972 lissome-ladies license plate frame:

Philadelphia Alien: Dr. Oz goes to a Flyers game wearing a Devils jersey. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Parasite Boyhood: In Pixar's latest, Tommy Tapeworm and his buddies search for the perfect hosts -- and end up finding themselves. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

Rated har: Honorable mentions

1984 Bananas: Carmen Miranda wears her most outrageous hat ever. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Booksmart Rocky: "Greetings and Salutations, Adrian!" (Karen Lambert)

81/2 Goodfellas: As climate change causes water to recede in the New Jersey Meadowlands, police make some gruesome discoveries. (Mark Turco, McLean, Va.)

Manhattan Eraserhead: A New York real estate magnate rises to a top government post and wipes classified stamps from documents just by thinking about them. (Joy Rains, Bethesda, Md.)

Big, Titanic: A dazzling insight leads Peter Roget to his life's work -- and to immortality. (Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank)

Cinderella Goodfellas: "Yo, princess, you want me to take care of those stepsisters for you?" (Holly Rexrode, Waldorf, Md., a First Offender)

Clueless in Manhattan: "How very kind of that young man to squeegee-clean my car window!" (Karen Lambert)

Philadelphia Surprise: On one day in October, Eagles fans fail to boo even the opposing team. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

Sounder Aliens: Finally, a rational political party arrives on the scene. Millions of Americans ask to be taken to their leader. (Les Finster, Washington, who got his only other blot of Invite ink in Week 408, 2001)

Spartacus? Nope!: One Thracian rebel missed the memo, and lived happily ever after. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.)

Speed Atonement: An auctioneer-turned-rabbi officiates at a Yom Kippur service, giving a new meaning to "fast day." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Suddenly Clueless: A dad discovers what it's like when his child becomes a teenager. (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria, Va.)

Superbad Armageddon: Alexander's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day gets worse. (Christy Tosatto, Asheville, N.C.)

Titanic Meatballs: Out to set the ground-beef record at all costs, a competitive eater finds that his heart won't go on. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Trainspotting Joker: An aspiring graffiti artist boosts his street cred by painting polka dots on every subway car in the South Bronx -- until Officer Krupke is assigned to the case. (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.)

1408 Sneakers: Imelda Marcos takes up basketball. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Airport Gladiator: The weak are filtered out during the rush to fetch luggage from the LAX carousel on Thanksgiving eve. (Linda Wallers, Vancouver, Wash., a First Offender)

Alien Airplane!: Gov. Ron DeSantis comes up with a zany way to spend Floridians' money. (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.)

Babe Armageddon: Aporkalypse now! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Bean Picnic: The famous scene in "Blazing Saddles" is now a whole movie! (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Caged Harvey: A Hollywood producer who enjoys showering in front of others gets to do it the rest of his life. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Dunkirk Cars: Belgium rounds up all the taxis in the country to evacuate the trapped Allied troops and drive them to Britain -- until they realize there's one problem with their plan * (George Smith, Frederick, Md.)

Election Cry-Baby: In this body-switch story, a toddler trapped in the body of an adult loses a presidency. (Jon Carter)

Flipper Babe: The Little Mermaid has a punky new persona in this Disney remake. (Robert Weiner, Washington, a First Offender)

Frankenstein Footloose: The rampaging monster must slow to a limp in search of an ankle bolt. (Jeff Contompasis; Barbara Turner)

Frozen Avatar: Documentary on the glitch-fraught creation of Mark Zuckerberg's first metaverse movie. (Jon Grantham, Fairfax, Va.)

Frozen Smile: Elsa and Anna stand to inherit a vast kingdom as long as they pretend to laugh at their father's lame puns. (Frank Mann, Washington)

Goldfinger Up: Documentary detailing the world's most expensive prostate exam. (Mike "Chevy Chase" Phillips, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Innocence Nope: A documentary on the findings of the Jan. 6 committee. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Interstellar Joker: "I just flew in from Alpha Centauri, and boy, are my arms tired!" (Jonathan Jensen)

Joe Flubber: Biden's greatest gaffes, Part 1 (3 hrs. 10 mins.) (Mark Raffman)

Maleficent Us: "Despicable Me" goes bigger and nastier. (Arthur O'Dwyer, Irvington, N.Y.)

Manhattan Memento: Two tourists at Grand Central Terminal grapple over the only "I * New York" T-shirt on the racks. (Andrew Rosenberg, New York)

Milk Cabaret: "What good is sitting alone in your room? Come try our pure Grade A *" (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Milk It: A Hollywood studio has to decide whether to wring out yet another sequel out of its franchise, and agonizes over the question for several milliseconds. (Duncan Stevens)

Monster Bridesmaids: Why should the bride be the only Zilla -- especially after she made her friends buy these horrible dresses? Revenge awaits. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)

Monster M*A*S*H: A Korean War surgeon employs unconventional procedures -- notably the neck stitch-and-bolt -- to keep soldiers battle-ready. (Dave Letizia, Pinehurst, N.C.)

Moonstruck Tootsie: A down-on-his-luck actor takes a job as a Cher impersonator with one goal in mind -- to slap some sense into Nicolas Cage. "Left Behind?" "Bangkok Dangerous?" Come on, Nick, snap out of it!" (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Offspring Eraser: The Herschel Walker story. (Ryan Martinez)

Pi Cheerleader: "3 point 1-4-1-5-9! Look at the scoreboard -- who's behind?" The story of the MIT pep squad. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond)

Pi Gaslight: A promising mathematician is almost driven mad by her jealous husband when he insists there is no such thing as an irrational number. (Irene Plotzker, Wilmington, Del.)

Platoon Twins: Dolly Parton enlists in the army. (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.)

Precious Avatar: A recent college graduate tries to explain to his horrified parents why he spent his life savings on a digital image of an ugly ape wearing a beret and sunglasses. (Karen Lambert)

Pulse Sisters: "These ladies have what every man wants in a woman!" (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)

Saw Cars: A family of four recounts their exciting vacation up I-95 on Thanksgiving weekend. (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

Saw Hair: A barber's assistant asks for help with a customer whose locks haven't been washed in recent memory. (Duncan Stevens)

Shampoo Cats: Adventure film about the little-known Thirteenth labor of Hercules. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

Smile Battleground: He's about to find out that advising a woman on how she could look so much prettier is a very bad idea. (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.)

Solo l'Amore: An ex-president finds his only true love. (Sudhir Vasudeva, McLean, Va.)

Soul Trainspotting: Where's Don Cornelius? Documenting the dance show host's cameo appearances in dozens of films. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

Suddenly Heidi!: It's 1968 and the Jets defeat the Raiders * we think. (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.)

Superbad Reds: Wines of the World, Part 23: Chernobyl. (Mark Raffman)

Superbad Witness: "It was a tall blond guy! Or maybe an Asian lady?" (Ryan Martinez)

Thor Loser: A playground bully's taunts become less threatening when his baby teeth start to fall out. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

And Last: Superbad Memento: An Invite Loser laments receiving a second-place prize. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich., who's placed second 19 times)

And Even Laster: Clown Obsession: A Loser leaves his job, family and friends behind as he seeks the top prize in a weekly humor contest. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

And Lastest of All: Nomadland Loser: A scrappy woman living in a rolling box braves intermittent cell service on her primitive iPhone 6s in a quest for ink. (Christy Tosatto, full-time RV nomad, filing for now from Asheville, N.C.)

Still running -- deadline Monday night, Nov. 7: Our contest to write something of 26 words, all of which start with different letters. See wapo.st/invite1512.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:(Duncan Stevens)
Examples:(Bob Staake)
Title:(Kevin Dopart)
Subhead:(Jesse Frankovich)
Prize:(Cheryl White)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1512: Alphabetter
Write something with 26 words, each beginning with a different letter. Plus 'Splendooferous' and more neologisms.

By Pat Myers

October 27, 2022 at 9:49 a.m. EDT

Click Click here to skip down to the winning ELDN neologisms

All bats can dive eagerly for gnats. However, in jungle kingdom locales, many nosh on porcupine quills -- razor-sharp. The undaunted vermin wolf: xylophonically yelping zealously.

This week's contest was suggested by Loser Al Lubran, who saw it in Marilyn vos Savant's even-older-than-the-Invite "Ask Marilyn" column in the Sunday newspaper insert Parade, which used to be a huge magazine but is now the size of a postage stamp. (Well, bigger than most postage stamps, but the paper is thinner.)

Anyway, back in August, Marilyn asked readers to send her sentences of 26 words that each started with a different letter of the alphabet -- and the words could be in any order. Two months later she ran five winners from what she said were 2,000 entrants. The Empress was going to use one of them as an example, but wheeee! In came Our Own Bob Staake with the sentence above -- one that uses the words in alphabetical order. (But you don't have to!)

We're going to make one significant change to Marilyn's contest, though. Note how Bob's sentence uses "xylophonically." Vos Savant's five winners used: 1. X-rays. 2. Xylophone. 3. Xylophones. 4. X-ray. 5. X-rays. So the E will offer you an out, for variety's sake.

This week: Write a 26-word sentence or other passage whose words each start with a different letter -- except that the X in the X-word may appear elsewhere in the word, as long as the word has an "ex" syllable. (Okay: "EXtra." Okay: "MetroseXual." Not okay: "FoX.") If the X-word does start with X, that's swell, too. Hyphenated words may count as one word or two. The aim is to sound natural and to make sense. And, yup, be funny, plz.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1512 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 7; results appear Sunday, Nov. 27, in print; Wednesday, Nov. 23, online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this Halloween week (though in the Loserly Way, the winner won't receive it until around Thanksgiving), a genuine plastic spider skeleton, complete with those spider leg bones, spider rib cage, spider skull, etc. Yes, we know. At least we didn't get it from a biology class supply shop.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "NDELible Ink" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1512.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

NDELible ink: Neologisms from Week 1508

Week 1508 -- in honor of Hall of Fame Loser Elden Carnahan, who's retiring his entirely volunteer post as Keeper of the Invite Stats at NRARS.org -- was one of our Tour de Fours neologism contests; the coined word or phrase had to include the letter block ELDN, in any order, but together.

4th place:

Return to slender: Giving up the peanut-butter-banana-and-bacon sandwiches. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

3rd place:

Impersonnel department: HR reps who refer to workers as "human capital." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

2nd place

and the mid-'90s Loser T-shirt:

Sinfandel: Its bold, alluring flavor is often followed by a bitter aftertaste -- and an indelible stain. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Splendooferous: Magnificently stupid. "Did you see that the Commanders were selling a mug with a picture of Washington state behind the W? Now that is splendooferous!" (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

Subprime LENDing: Honorable mentions

Forenoon delight: That'd be coffee, followed by more coffee. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

Bidenly: Alternating between impressive competence and cringeworthy blunders. "Phil was absolutely bidenly in his eulogy at Kevin's funeral today, telling several inspirational stories and then inviting Kevin up to share some as well." (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Bundle of oy: A toddler who makes you wonder why you were so eager to be a bubbe. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Modelnibble: A very skimpy snack. "Victoria knew her zipper would pop if she had a proper meal, so she opted for a modelnibble of two celery sticks and a raisin." (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

Kennel Dates: From the maker of Tinder, an app for your pooch: sniff-and-swipe! (Chris Doyle)

Hot Cross Bundle: Special package for music teachers that comes with 30 plastic recorders and a year's supply of earplugs. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee)

Manhandlebar: What they really ought to call a nightstick. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Paddle Nerf: For those intimidated by pickleball. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Schadenloiter: Hang around to watch the imminent fail. "As soon as Josh said, 'Hold my beer,' we decided to schadenloiter a bit." (Chris Doyle)

Sudden liberal: A Republican who learns his mistress is pregnant. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Adlent: The most festive season of the church year in New Orleans. "Adlent already? Party hearty, it's almost Mardi!" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Al dental: When pasta is so undercooked that it breaks a molar. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Applendectomy: Getting rid of your iPhone. "With that latest update of iOS, I had an emergency Applendectomy and went straight for an Android." (Chris Doyle)

Ax Handel: What the choral director facing yet another "Messiah" would like to do just this once. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Baldencare: Federal prescription program that subsidizes Rogaine. (Roy Ashley)

Bannedleader: What Rep. Kevin McCarthy fears he'll become if he stops whistling Dixie. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Befundlement: The satisfyingly pleasant confusion one initially feels when doing a puzzle. "The Thursday and Friday crosswords are a challenge, sure, but for peak befundlement, you have to try the Saturday." (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Beholden Caulfield: The protagonist grows up and takes a job on Madison Avenue to pay off his student loans. (Karen Lambert)

Bendlam: Chaos and confusion in the yoga studio. "It was bendlam in class today when we tried putting our toes behind our ears." (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Bidenloquaciousness: Inability to know when to stop talking. "Even when the whispers spread through the audience and his aides rolled their eyes, the candidate's bidenloquaciousness kept him from closing his trap." (Dave Airozo)

Clandelabra: Extremely complicated family tree. "When Aunt Ethel married her first cousin George, that sure tangled up the clandelabra." (Duncan Stevens)

Colonel Dijon: Character in the French version of Clue. Contrary to rumors, he does not immediately surrender when accused. (Jon Carter)

Colonel Dynamics: A fledgling defense contractor. (Duncan Stevens)

Dawndle: To move about listlessly until that early morning cup of coffee. (Jeff Contompasis)

Denial deniers: The only kind not welcomed under the GOP's big tent. (Kevin Dopart)

Eldnerdly: What is Jeopardy's largest viewer demographic? (Steve Smith)

Friendliar: A companion who always answers, "You look so good in that!" and assures you in every instance that you're the one who was wronged. (Jon Carter)

Heldnoser: A voter who casts a ballot for a candidate they don't really like. "Hillary could have won if she'd done better with the heldnoser crowd, but they just stayed home." (Dave Airozo)

Idle Nine: The Nationals during the playoffs. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.)

Swindler's List: "Okay, let's send them this email saying, 'It is IMPERATIVE that we win BIG in November," and we should net a quick 7 mil to pay my lawyers." (Jonathan Jensen)

Lendowment: Money loaned without interest, usually from the Bank of Mom and Dad. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Lidl enema: You can find just about anything in that supermarket's variety aisle. This one's next to the ratchet wrenches and the tube socks. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Lindellicate situation: When you've lost an election and need the soft touch of a pillow salesman to overthrow your system of government. (Jon Carter)

Linkedln: If you try to post a profile here, clearly you didn't check your I's and l's to watch for phishing sites, so you don't deserve a cybersecurity job anyway. (Karen Lambert)

Love handle nest: The now-folded-up location of that tattoo I got 30 years and 40 pounds ago. (Roxi Slemp, Bariloche, Argentina)

Misshandled: "It's pretty clear that Dan Snyder has badly misshandled matters in the team's front office." (Steve Smith)

Noodle nibs: Those broken bits of spaghetti that fly out of the box and land everywhere except in the pot. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Offendling: A White student who complains that history class made him feel bad. "Travis's parents were outraged that their offendling had been exposed to Harriet Tubman." (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Oil 'n Desert!: Failed Saudi Tourist Bureau slogan. (Mark Raffman)

Olden daze: When your memories are betrayed by your memory. "Kids, when I was your age, I *. uh * well, I was, once." (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Porndeli: Everyone orders the tongue. (Frank Mann, Washington)

Shiv and Let Shiv: An experimental laissez-faire program that federal prisons quickly dropped. (Chris Doyle)

The Golden Grillz: A sitcom featuring four aging rappers who share a crib in Miami. (Chris Doyle)

The UnBundler: What they're calling Tom Brady's divorce lawyer. (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.)

Vendliness: What Amway sellers exude. "I just adore your new haircut, Jess! You know what would go great with that? A new pizza stone! I have just the thing." (Pete Morelewicz)

Vlad-enlistment: Conscription. "Yuri found himself Vlad-enlisted by "recruiters" who showed up at his 40th-birthday party." (Dan Helming)

Ye Olde News: The Post's print edition. (Jonathan Jensen)

Pundle: Collective noun for wordsmiths. "There were at least two dozen of us at the last Loser brunch -- quite the pundle." (Jeff Contompasis)

And Last: End Loser: The person credited with the "And Last" ink. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Still running -- deadline Monday night, Oct. 31: Our "air quotes" contest to find words inside other words. See wapo.st/invite1511.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:(Al Lubran)
Examples:(Bob Staake)
Title:(Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead:(Jesse Frankovich)
Prize:()
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1511: The inside word--our 'air quote' contest
Find a telling word inside another -- like The 'Sty'le Invitational. Plus state slogans created from map routes!

By Pat Myers

October 20, 2022 at 9:38 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to the inking state slogans

satis"fact"ion: When Google proves you are right and your spouse is wrong. (David Kleinbard)

bir"DCA"ge: What National Airport feels (and smells) like when your flight has been delayed for seven hours. (Duncan Stevens)

h"USB"and: Consider yourself lucky if you get it right on the first try. (Hildy Zampella)

It's the contest that keeps on giving, even though we do it over and over in exactly the same way. So by request, for (by the Empress's count) the seventh time since 2000: Highlight part of a word, name or short phrase in "air quotes" to give the word a new meaning or description, as in the examples above from our 2019 contest ("h'USB'and" was the winner). You can't change the spelling of the original but may tinker with capitalization, punctuation and spacing. So you don't send us what we've already published -- we do not want to see "T'rump'" -- check the links to our previous air quotes in this week's Style Conversational at wapo.st/conv1511.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1511 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 31 (boo!); results appear Nov. 20 in print, Nov. 17 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle of "100 Pooping Puppies," a painted landscape full of possibly 100 breeds of (adult) dogs dooing their thing on a lawn. Actually, fortunately, only getting ready to doo their thing. Donated by Loser Marcy Alvo.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "QuipTiks" is by Kevin Dopart; Beverley Sharp and Jeff Contompasis both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1511.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

QuipTiks: State slogans with a mappy twist from Week 1507

In Week 1507 the Empress presented an offbeat challenge, straight from the offbeat mind of Bob Staake: One part was totally typical: Write a funny slogan about a U.S. state.

Now the offbeat part: The first letters of your slogan's words would be the first letters of the states along a route you'd trace from your chosen state. So, for example, Jon Ketzner's "Alabama: God, Football and Guns" traces Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Georgia. (You could add small words like "and"; those words are lowercase below.) For two-word states you could use either the first word or both.

We'll spell out the first few routes; after that, if you can't figure out some snaky path of adjacent states, see this week's Style Conversational -- or just look at a U.S. map.

4th place:

CALIFORNIA: Our Weather Is Wonderful, Not Counting Our Mudslides, Avalanches, Temblors, Aftershocks, Fires, Gales, Smog, Negative Vortexes, Monsoons and Drought [Ore., Wash., Idaho, Wyo., Neb., Colo., Okla., Mo., Ark., Tenn., Ala., Fla., Ga., S.C., N.C., Va., Md., Del.] (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va., a First Offender)

3rd place:

NORTH DAKOTA: Making Icicles With Snot [Mont., Idaho, Wyo., S.D.] (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

2nd place

and the genuine Whoopee Cushion:

COLORADO: Kiss Our Aspens [Kan., Okla., Ark.] (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

ALABAMA: More Advanced Than Mississippi! [Miss., Ala., Tenn., Miss.] (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Lost: Honorable mentions

ARIZONA: Nutty Conspiracies, Unbearable Warmth and a Canyon! (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

ARKANSAS: Two Letters More Than Kansas! (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.)

CALIFORNIA: No, All Californians Are Not Completely Wacko, Crazy Kooks! (Only Most Of Them.) (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

CALIFORNIA: Necesitamos Agua! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

CALIFORNIA: Attention New Tourists: Our Citizens Understand With Movie Stars It's Not Wise Calling Out Their Names And Clapping Unless Cameras Are Nearby and They Are On a Crimson Walkway Smiling and Waving [29 states from Arizona to Wyoming] (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

COLORADO: We Inhale (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

FLORIDA: God's Senior Center (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

FLORIDA: Fanatic Governor, Alligators, Terrible Mosquitoes, Irma, Ian. Oh, Please, Now, Y'all Visit! (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

GEORGIA: Find Any Missing Trump Votes? Nope! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

IDAHO: No Californians Need Arrive (Karen Lambert)

IOWA: We Matter Solely When Caucuses Occur (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

MAINE: No Hotels! Mosquitoes! C-c-cold! Nobody's Young! = Must Visit! (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

MICHIGAN: We Make Our Politicians Maintain Valid Kidnapping Insurance (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

MISSISSIPPI: The Most "Last" Titles (Rob Cohen)

MISSOURI: Our Most Acclaimed Landmark Makes Americans Think Of McDonald's (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

NORTH DAKOTA: Snow Definitely Will Melt In May (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

OHIO: It's Kinda Mayo And That's Okay-o (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

OREGON: Come And Unwind In a Microbrewery With Sasquatch (Jon Carter)

TEXAS: Liberty and Autonomy! (Only Applies To Men) (Marty Gold, Arlington, Va.)

TEXAS: Objects Appear Larger Than Normal (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.)

TEXAS: Where Cowboys, Oil, Armadillos, Longhorns And, Oh, Maybe Two Million Armed Grannies Are Found (Chris Doyle, also found in Texas)

UTAH: We Come Knocking (Leif Picoult)

WEST VIRGINIA: What, Me Vaccinate? (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)

WYOMING: We Shun Democrats (and a Noted Congresswoman Who Isn't) (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

D.C.: a Memorable Place Where Philadelphians Watch the Phillies Win (Steve Smith)

D.C.: Man Who Owns Washington Post Needs Proclamation Of It In Multitude Of Articles (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

ARKANSAS: We Don't Know What Contiguous Means [Wash., Del., Ky., Wyo., Conn., Minn.] (Jon Gearhart)

These honorable mentions for Week 1507 were cut by editors several hours after they were first posted online (they will count as ink in the Loser Stats):

ALABAMA: Find God And Try Meth (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee, Fla.)

FLORIDA: A Map Appendage That Looks Awfully Like A Misshapen And Flaccid Gherkin (Leif Picoult)

FLORIDA: All Migrants Leaving Texas, Onboard Now! (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.)

IDAHO: Our Country Needs Unruly White Militias! (Mark Raffman)

IOWA: So Darn White It Makes North Dakota Seem Diverse (So Darn White Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

LOUISIANA: Love Them Ol' Confederate Wavy Symbols (Carol Lasky, Boston)

LOUISIANA: The Anus of the Lower Mississippi (Scott Richards, Hollywood, Md.)

MISSISSIPPI: Literacy Ain't Our Top Objective (Kevin Dopart)

NORTH CAROLINA: Visitors Welcome. "Made-up" Pronouns Not. (Pete Morelewicz)

TEXAS: Teachers, Lock And Load! (Emma Daley, Greenfield, Mass.)

VIRGINIA: Non-Conforming Gender? Think Maryland! (Steve Smith, Potomac)

WEST VIRGINIA: Welcome! Our Pate Of Possum Never Disappoints! (Pam Shermeyer)


Still running -- deadline Monday night, Oct. 24: Our contest to write a poem using just one of vowels A, E, I, O and U. See wapo.st/invite1510.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:()
Examples:(David Kleinbard; Duncan Stevens; Hildy Zampella)
Title:(Kevin Dopart)
Subhead:(Beverley Sharp; Jeff Contompasis)
Prize:(Marcy Alvo)
Add:H:1507:(Jon Ketzner)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1510: Only U (or A, E, I or O)
Write a funny poem using only one vowel. Plus winning verses using 'pwn' and other new dictionary words.

By Pat Myers

October 13, 2022 at 9:29 a.m. EDT

Click Click here to skip down to the winning poems featuring new dictionary words

An ajar clam
Can stank a tad
That wafts all damn day --
As dank as bad shad.
-- Univocalic poem by Bob Staake

This week's contest was suggested by Valerie Holt of Baltimore, who has been subjected to The Style Invitational for almost 30 years on account of being the Empress's offspring. This week: Write a humorous univocalic poem -- one that uses only one of the vowels A, E, I, O or U -- as in the ... well, we settled on "hilariously bad" one by Bob Staake, who will probably not include it in his oeuvre of more than 50 acclaimed picture books. This doesn't mean you should strive for hilariously bad; you should try for the usual hilariously good.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1510 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 24; results appear Nov. 13 in print, Nov. 10.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives one of the more exotic prizes The Style Invitational has ever offered, up there with the wine containing a coiled cobra: It's a beautiful, old-looking box about eight inches long, covered in padded silk. Slide open the little toggle closure that looks like a sliver of ivory, and inside you'll see two hefty translucent paperweights, into each of which is immersed a real, still shimmery cicada. According to Google Lens, the label inside says it's from the Tianqiao Social Welfare Crafts Factory, Jinan, China. Donated by Loser Marleen May, who picked it up on Freecycle.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Pwn Stars" is by Jeff Contompasis; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Oct. 13, at wapo.st/conv1510.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Pwn stars: The new-word poems from Week 1506

In Week 1506 we once again asked for poems using terms newly added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, from "adorkable" to "yeet."

4th place:

OMAKASE, Japanese chef's-choice menu
Have a seat, begin to eat whatever's on your plate.
Don't ask for something else - the chef is known to get irate.
In foodie circles, omakase dining is a winner,
But back home Mom just called it "Sit your butt down and eat dinner."
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

3rd place:

PWN, To dominate an opponent
You pwned me - I thrpw in the tpwel.
"Ypwza!" "Wppt!" you rejpiced with a hpwl.
I cpncede, you're tpp gppd;
You're the tpast of the hppd!
It makes me frpwn, glpwer and scpwl.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

2nd place

and the Merriam-Webster mug with its 'pumpkin spice' definition:

SUS, suspect or suspicious, of dubious quality
Once upon an L.A. street-o, I consumed a sus burrito,
Filled with rice and beans and cheese and meat that oozed with grease galore,
Soon enough there came a churning -- gurgling, rumbling, tumbling, turning --
Noisy, queasy, most uneasy perturbation in my core.
" 'Tis the vengeance of the Aztecs," said I as I roundly swore,
"Food Truck Maven? Nevermore!"
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Yeet: To throw, especially with force
INAUGURATION DAY 2021
"Mr. President, welcome! This way--
Over here on a monogrammed tray
Is the ketchup you'll hurl at the wall,
And-- how's that? You'll throw nothing at all?
But tradition, sir! Please! I entreat!
For four years it's been all-you-can-yeet."
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

Diction-awry: Honorable mentions

JANKY: Shoddy, faulty (plus SUS)
Though deals abound at Dollar Plus,
Certain merch should still seem sus,
For if you're planning hanky-panky,
Your condoms simply can't be janky.
(Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

LEWK: Personal fashion style (as in "look")
If you frequent the posh ski resorts
And you spot a young fellow who sports
Lightweight shorts with his parka and hat
You might ask yourself, "What's up with that?"
"Was his luggage lost? Is he a kook?"
Meet the snowboarder-wannabe lewk.
(Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

GREENWASH: To publicize a company's environmental efforts to minimize the damage it's actually causing
Corporations attempting to greenwash
Their pollution cannot get a clean wash
Of their foul reputation,
Which smells to the nation
Like a private who's done a latrine wash.
(David Mayerovitch, Ottawa, a First Offender)

BIRRIA: A Mexican meat stew
A Bostonian's Critique of a Mexican Restaurant
Their birria
Is infirria.
(Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

DAWN CHORUS: The chattering of birds as day breaks
Monday there's mowing at quarter to 8.
Tuesday the train passes carrying freight.
Wednesday we hear from the rooster next door;
Thursday the street cleaning happens at 4.
Friday the garbage cans bang on the street,
Weekends, the paper goes thwump! at my feet.
All while I'm still in my slippers and flannel;
If this is my dawn chorus, please change the channel!
(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

KRATOM, a traditional psychoactive drug, pronounced either krayt'em or kratt'em
My boss gave a harsh ultimatum:
"Sell these meds, even though people hate 'em."
So I hawked yucky drops;
Though they're normally flops,
They all sold, 'cause I spiked them with kratom!
(Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Kratom is a stimulant in small doses but a sedative at high doses.
I took a little kratom, and felt a surge of joy,
And then I took a little more -- O boy! O boy! O boy!
Another batch went down the hatch, a quite humongous dose,
And that is why you found me here, completely comatose.
I've learned the truth today, forsooth, and baby, this is it:
You need to split the kratom--and take just a little bit.
(Stephen Gold, London)

LARP: Live-action role playing
My wife loves Harry Potter LARPing;
Could this hobby cost me more?
She says that I should quit my carping*
But her "house"? It's Gryffin-Dior.
(Mark Raffman)

Said a shivering guy in a tarp,
"Dude, you know me, I don't like to carp,
But this role-playing game
Is unpleasant and lame.
Why'd you make a Fyre Festival LARP?"
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

HAIRY EYEBALL, a disapproving glare
Once upon a morning early, while I slumbered, tired and surly,
Having stayed up much too late out partying the night before--
After snoozing for an hour, suddenly I saw a glower,
Disapproving, rather sour, glaring from my bedroom door.
'Twas my mother's hairy eyeball, and I knew what was in store ...
Didn't sleep a minute more.
(Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

"The hairy eyeball" means a dirty look,
The kind you'd give a pervert or a crook.
But if you're learning English, this expression
Might lead to a lamentable transgression,
Like asking (if the meaning's misconstrued):
"Do hairy eyeballs have to be shampooed?"
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

LEVEL UP: Advance to the next level
To level up our lives, what if we tried
To not make one more dang thing gamified?
(Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)

MacGYVER: To fashion a solution to a problem using whatever odd materials are available
Paper clip, gum wrapper, safety pin, dime,
Broken-down watch that no longer tells time,
Eraserless pencil honed down to a nub,
Decades-old membership card for the club,
Spare covid tests ('cause there's still a pandemic),
Rocks that have undergone changes alchemic.
You gonna MacGyver a snare for a crook?
Nope, that's just from cleaning out Mom's pocketbook.
(Sarah Walsh)

SUS: Suspect or suspicious; of dubious quality
The lyrics Ira Gershwin wrote
I find banal and gauche.
With all those twee truncated words
Like 'magine and emosh.'
Now "'swonderful" and "'smarvelous"
May suit you to a T.
But "fash" and "pash" and all the rest -
They just seem sus to me.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

"Want to travel?" They found us and said,
"You can have a new home and clean bed!"
"That flier looks sus*"
"Oh, don't be a wuss!"
Martha's Vineyard - we were misled.
(Matthew Zimmer, New York)

TATER TOTS, STROMBOLI
What words are exciting, exotic and new
At Merriam-Webster in 9/22?
There's something called "Tater Tots," also "stromboli."
They must not get out much, or else they work slowly.
(Jonathan Jensen)

SIDE HUSTLE, a supplementary job
As a side hustle, Uber's a curse,
For the income could hardly be worse!
I'll concede, though, I know
That I might make more dough
If my vehicle weren't a hearse.
(Mark Raffman)

And Last:A side hustle could be a good thing to do
If you're wanting a little more cash to accrue.
But these poems I've written just aren't the way--
In The Style Invitational, rhyme doesn't pay.
(Jesse Frankovich)

Still running -- deadline Monday night, Oct. 17: Our contest to combine two one-word movie titles. See wapo.st/invite1509.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:(Valerie Holt)
Examples:(Bob Staake)
Title:(Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead:(Beverley Sharp)
Prize:(Marleen May)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1509: MASH MASH: combine 2 one-word movies
Plus the 'Hadden-Inklin Psychic Hotline' and other ventures by 'sister cities'

By Pat Myers

October 6, 2022 at 9:51 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to the winning "sister cities"

Metropolis Parasite: A Wall Street hedge fund trader devises a way to pay $27 in income tax.

Psycho Cats: Fluffy and Ginger get in the shower!

Unforgiven Pinocchio: "You lied once too often, wood boy -- I'm turning you into a spice rack."

This week's contest was suggested by Loser Lee Graham, who remembered that single-word movie titles weren't working for him in some earlier Invite contest. This week: Combine two single-word movie titles to make a new movie and describe it, as in the examples above. The original title must consist of a single word: no "A," "The," "IV," etc. You may add a few more words (e.g., "and the," "vs.") but the extra words shouldn't be a major part of the title. Don't smoosh the two titles into a single word.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1509 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 17; results appear Nov. 9 in print, Nov. 6 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives -- regifted by Loser Sue Lin Chong, who won it in Week 267 (1998) - a genuine mint-condition 1972 chrome license plate frame featuring the side views of two lissome ladies. While it would look tacky even on a souped-up Ford 150, it'd make a fabulously campy picture frame.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Community Jest" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse and Tom Witte both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Oct. 6, at wapo.st/conv1509.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Community jest: Inking 'sister cities' from Week 1505

In Week 1505 the Empress asked the Losers to choose any two or more towns in the United States and Canada and supply a joint venture they might undertake. The "or more" turned into some long strings of names that brought a HUH instead of the preferred HA, like The Bear-Rio-Sam-Aben-Laden-Indio-Shinn-Ware-Heaslip-Witty-Fish U.S. Navy Funeral Detail (Idaho, Fla., Va., La., Ky., Calif., Ill., Ala., Ontario, Mo., Ga.) After much puzzling out, we figured that Randy Lee was getting at "Bury Osama bin Laden in the ocean where he sleep with the fish." HUH. We hope the following ones are more straightforward, though sometimes it helps a lot to say them out loud a couple of times.

4th place:

The Iowa-Latta-Green Student Loan Forgiveness Program (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) [towns in Louisiana, Oklahoma and Ohio]

3rd place:

The Luke-Warm Springs Very Average Resort (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) [Md., Ga.]

2nd place

and the paper dolls of literary figures:

The Gordon-Ramsay-Letts-Macon-Effingham-Sandwich Brown-Bag Workshop (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) (Iowa, Ill., Ga., Ill., Mass., Ala.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

The Albee-Gladwin-Weir-Dunn Divorce Law Firm (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) [S.D., Mich., Kan., N.C.]

City slackers: Honorable mentions

The Tupelo-Zero Winter Preparedness Advisory Group (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) [Miss., Mont.)

The Dunn-Dunn-Dunn-Dunn DragnetCon (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) [Mo., N.C., Tex., Wis.]

The Boring-Rector-Babylon-Macon-Sleeper-Nodaway Committee to Improve Sunday Sermons (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) [Ore., Ark., N.Y., Miss., Mo., Iowa]

The Reston-Laurel "Quiet Quitters" Club (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) [Va., Md.]

Weir-Putnam-Underhill Gravediggers: "If we can't get dirt on you, no one can." (Jon Gearhart) [Neb., Ala., Wis.]

The Letts-Baskin-Coldwater Polar Bear Club (Beverley Sharp) [Iowa, Fla., Mich.]

The Macon-America-Grady-Gann Militia Muster (Jeff Contompasis) [Ga., Ill., Ark., Ohio]

The Randy-Lee-Burke-Virginia Self-Promotion Society (Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) (Ky., N.Y., Va., Wash.)

The Reubens-Sandwich-Hahn-White-Witt-Mayo Brooklyn Deli Tour for Iowans (Chris Doyle) [Ida., Mass., Tex., S.D., Ill., Fla.]

The Watha-Hellam-Ida-Wing-Heeia Senior Moment Museum (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) [N.C., Pa., La., N.D., Hawaii]

The Venice-Tom-Brady-Given-Upp sports betting app (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) [Fla., Okla., Texas, W.Va., Calif.]

The Weir-Naughton-Kansas-Haney-Moore "Wizard of Oz" Cosplayer Convention (Chris Doyle) [Kan., Ontario, Wis., Ore., N.J.]

The Albee-Xenia Quickie Divorce Center (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.) [S.D., Ohio]

The Albee-Armonk-Keyes-Sun-Kell-Clarence-Darrow-Ford-Dee-Winn Scopes Trial Reenactment (Chris Doyle) [Iowa, Calif., La., Ind., La., Iowa, La., Ore., Mich.]

The Harris-Yankton Waxing Salon (Jesse Frankovich) [Minn., S.D.]

Wickett-Bee-Dublin-York-Cache Investment Services (Byron Miller, Cobble Hill, B.C.) [Tex., Ohio, Ontario, Okla.]

The Wyalusing-Troy-Harder Obnoxious Sports Parent Training Facility (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) [Wis., N.Y. Wash.]

The Aiea-Seymour-Dent-Franzen-London Underpants Repair Shop (Duncan Stevens) [Hawaii, Conn., Minn., Wis., Ark.]

The Daggett-Ding Dong-Stuckey-Puckett Reformed Foulmouths' Association (Sarah Walsh) [Calif., Tex., S.C., Miss.]

The Dunn-Ocala-Mead-Shirley Leslie Nielsen Film Festival (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) [Minn., Fla., Colo., Ark.]

The Florence-Foster-Jenkins Conservatory of Vocal Arts (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) [Ariz., R.I., Ky.]

The Hadden-Inklin Psychic Connection Hotline (Pam Shermeyer) [Ga., B.C.]

The Granby-Aiken Geriatric Medicine Center (Karen Lambert) [Quebec, S.C.]

The Hansen-Franzen-Gurley-Mann-Pompey-Opp Schwarzenegger Spoofers School (Duncan Stevens) [Idaho, Wis., Ala., Pa., N.Y., Ala.]

The Havana-Gila Bend Center for Jewish Folk Dancing (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) [Fla., Ariz.]

The Howe-Mina-Rhodes-Masham-Mann-Walker-Downs Wind-Blowin' Research Institute (Duncan Stevens) [Pa., N.Y., Iowa, Quebec, Pa., Iowa, Ill.]

Izee-Still-Shamokin Tobacco Cessation Counselors (Pam Shermeyer) [Oregon, N.D., Pa.]

The Kent-Eustace Yard Sale (Sarah Walsh) [Ohio, Tex.]

The Nome-Mentor-Love Lonely Hearts Club (Karen Lambert) [Alaska, Ohio, Ariz.]

The Nome-Orlando Keep Billy Dee Williams Out of Future Star Wars Sequels Petition (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) [Alaska, Fla.]

The Luke-Sky-Walker-Dee-Good-Jed-Eyota-Kilsyth-Not-Kissimmee-Sisters Etiquette En-Forcers (Randy Lee) [Tenn., Calif., Ga., Mo., Maine, Ore., W.Va., W.Va., Minn., Tenn., Mo., Fla., Ore.]

The Acme-Acme-Acme-Acme-Acme-Acme-Acme-Acme-Acme-Acme Anvil Chorus (Jeff Contompasis) [Alberta, Ind., Kan., La., Mich., N.C., Ore., Pa., Wash., W.Va.]

The Airdrie-Sheets-Ong-Linesville-Gough-Wapato-Tywappity Concerto for Wet Laundry (Frank Osen) [Alberta, N.D., N.D., Pa., Ga., Wash., Mo.]

The Cole-Esterel Healthy Heart Initiative (Frank Mann, Washington) (Okla., Quebec)

The Doane-Nead-Macomb-Nome-Moore Baldness Support Group (Jesse Frankovich) [W.Va., Ind., Ill., Alaska, Okla.]

The Juneau-Wymark-Needles-Kyle High School Gossip Podcast (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.) [Alaska, Saskatchewan, Calif., Saskatchewan]

The Jupiter-Spokane-Venus-Hurd Romance Book Club (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) [Fla., Wash., Tex., N.D.]

The Macon-Annada-Sandwich Overeaters Anonymous Hotline (Rob Cohen) [Ga., Mo., Mass.]

Letts-Coe-Brandon Refined Young Republicans of America (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) [Iowa, Ill., Manitoba]

The Maumee-Loving-Sigmund-Froid-Eddy-Pool-Complex Analysister Cities (Randy Lee) [Ark., Ga., Pa., Mont., Okla., W.Va., N.C.]

The Pat-Dee-Buda-Bell-Lee Good Luck Club (Randy Lee) [Miss., Pa., Neb., Iowa, Ala.]

The Weir-Bannen-Flippin-Dee-Byrd Citizens Against Public Displays of Rudeness (Chris Doyle) [Kan., W.Va., Ark., Ore., Ark.]

The Little-Mermaid-Musson-Bee-Black Aryan Bottom Feeders (Randy Lee) [Okla., Del., La., Neb., S.C.]

The Bigfoot-Climax Study on Events We'd Like to Unsee (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) [Tex., Saskatchewan]

The Back-Offutt-Athol Bar Fight Management School (Pam Shermeyer) [Tex., Tenn., Mass.]

And Last: The Wonder-Wye-Kent-Winn Style Invitational Support Group (Rob Cohen) [Ky., Mont., Ohio, Ala.]

Still running -- deadline Monday night, Oct. 10: Our contest to coin new words with the letter block ELDN. See wapo.st/invite1508.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:(Lee Graham)
Examples:()
Title:(Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead:(Jesse Frankovich; Tom Witte)
Prize:(Sue Lin Chong)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1508: Tour de Fours XIX --Laughtime Achievement
Saluting Super-Loser Elden Carnahan with an ELDN neologism contest. Plus winners of our contest to write with all 100 Scrabble tiles.

By Pat Myers

September 29, 2022 at 9:42 a.m. EDT

Click
here to skip down to the winners of our contest to write with all 100 Scrabble tiles

Wordle nerds: The ones who post their scores every day at 12:01 a.m. "I've conducted a heuristic analysis of whether I should have started with 'adieu' or 'horse' ..."

Lendacity: "Our financial services company just wants to help you get back on your feet with our short-term loans and our convenient payment system of Vinny here."

Skindle: The best device for reading porn novels.

Waywayway back in 1993 -- when The Style Invitational was infantile in both senses of the word -- a federal worker named Elden Carnahan got ink in Week 22 for suggesting a contest for campaign slogans, then for placing second in the same contest (Dan Quayle: A Chicken in Every Garage). Soon afterward, he decided to open the phone book and invite some of the other inking entrants to breakfast.

That was the big-bang moment for what quickly expanded into the universe of the Losers, a social community that not only met for a monthly brunch (and then group vacations) but also began to compete energetically for the most Invite ink each year, a rivalry made possible by Elden's compilation and dissemination -- by mail! this was pre-internet -- of elaborate standings and statistics. The stats, of course, soon moved online, and the Keeper of the Stats continued to compile them, week after week, along with a complete archive of every Style Invitational since Week 1. Every week for 29 years. (Oh, yeah, he also found time to score more than 500 blots of Invite ink.)

Now, after turning 70 this year, Elden has turned over the stats and a slew of other Loser Community roles to a whole committee. And so, as a Laughtime Achievement Award for Mr. C, the Empress turns to one of our recurring contests, the Tour de Fours: This week: Coin a word or phrase containing the letters E-L-D-N -- consecutively but in any order -- and describe it, as in the examples above by Jon Gearhart, who suggested an ELDN contest and also came up with "Laughtime Achievement." You may add spaces or punctuation. Even with 24 possible arrangements of the letters, someone else might send in the same neologism that you do; in that case the ink would go to the wittiest description, especially if it shows how the neologism could be used in real life, or if it's used in a funny sentence.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1508 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 10; results appear Oct. 30 in print. Oct. 27 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a never-worn Loser T-shirt from the 1990s, won and regifted by Elden himself; the runner-up prize, designed by Bob Staake, inspired the Invite's regular contestants to call their community the Losers.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Hundred Tiles = This Nerd Duel" is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1508.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

'Hundred tiles' = 'This nerd duel': Winning writing with all 100 Scrabble tiles

In Week 1504, the Empress gave the Losers the daunting task of writing something with all 100 tiles in a U.S. Scrabble set; they could choose what letters to use for the two blank tiles. Not surprisingly, we didn't get as many entries as usual, but also not surprisingly, the Loser Community -- including several First Offenders -- rose to the challenge. (Titles are part of the anagram unless they're in brackets.)

4th place:

A horse, a priest, a Jew, Dumbo, five aged humorist clones, eleven zebras, a lynx, a unicorn, and God walk into . . . Yipe! Forget it. I quit! (Dave Zarrow, Skokie, Ill.; the blank tiles were N and S)

3rd place:

Arizona: Cyber Ninja quacks update voting audit. (We're fine.)
Texas: Violate women's rights. (Boo!)
Epilogue -- Florida: Hold my beer.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington; blanks are B and O)

2nd place

and the Yoda head pail:

Her Exalted Majesty Queen Elizabeth II's suave final words: "I dub ignorant Andrew Viceroy of Goat Poop. King Charlie, I'm out!" (Marty Gold, Arlington, Va.; blanks are H and I)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Queue up! Every week idiots visiting Mar-a-Lago can find an awesome prez, bid on a really cool job, and exit thru the grift shop. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.; blanks are H and P)

Rank and tile: Honorable mentions

Blind Men and the Elephant
View I: "Kangaroo court. Quasi-crazy judge underfoot!"
View II: "Hoax! FBI plot! Merely a storage issue."
(Joy Rains, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender)

[The Ten Commandments]
One God (I'm it!)
Idolatry? Out!
Swearage? No, pz.
Quiet day? A must.
Parents rule!
Kill a foe? Bed his wife? No go!
Hijack? BS? Crave? Nix! Never!
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

A quiz: Top-secret dox. A lame ivory gewgaw. A library book. Select the one an FBI agent could never find in D.J. Trump's house. A: III. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

We've MAGA loonies up on Twitter urging us to take hydroxychloroquine: "Be afraid, please! A Pfizer covid jab eliminates DNA!" (Chris Doyle)

Avid, vigilant, flush coyote laid a trap for quiet, gutsy roadrunner. BOOM! Smoke clears, then - zowie! - "Be-beep!" Jinxed again, Wile. (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Me the People, in order to nix all U.S. amity, vanquish Justice, raze knowledge, grab affairs, I wave goodbye, dear Constitution. (Kevin Dopart)

Up ... up ... Dorothy arrived. "Am I in Kansas? Or is it the Land of Oz ici?" A big Fetterman waxed ebullient: "New Jersey! Google 'quack'! Vote!" (David Smith, Stockton, Calif.)

Vote fraud! Fishy! Protest! Strike! Trump solidly won Arizona,, Georgia, New Mexico, Quebec, Djibouti, Valhalla, Narnia, Eden. Gee! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

[Nerd's Pickup Line, 2022] Can you be a viable mate in a speedy market today? I will just extend a civilizing query: "Rings of Power" or "House of the Dragon"? (Dan Stock, Medina, Ohio, a First Offender)

[I Love Lucy] A kooky, petite, jocular red-haired wife desiring stardom outfoxes a Cuban. He's vowing to prevent equal billing. A zany time! (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

A quick, ever so foolish red-brown fox, Di, jumps aeronautically over a lazy wiener dog and bites the peeing mutt's genitalia. (Robert Jordan, Chiang Mai, Thailand, a First Offender)

Able was I ere I saw the quick brown European fox jump over the dim lazy foreign tourist vacationing at Eddy's Lodge in Elba. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Ex-prez: "Not guilty! It was a joke! (Per Ginni, I won.) Garland is a turd. (HRC's emails!) Q told me I have reasonable doubt (i.e., covfefe you!). (Mark Raffman)

["The Sound of Music"] Inadequate novice (but excellent singer) Maria joins with Von Trapps, who, ruing faulty Nazi ideology, seek freedom abroad. (Karen Lambert)

[If the Frontier-Spirit discount airline merger had gone through] I did climb aft on a maiden "Frontier Spirit" jet, a Westworld up in a sky. Love turbulence, zero oxygen! Queasy, I gag, heave. A hoot! (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

"Commanders" football team? A chintzy, no-good appellation. I urge a jury review it. "River Snakeheads" would be f*ing exquisite! (Robert McArthur, Vienna, Va., a First Offender)

Better than "Commanders" * Quetzals? Ravioli? Ragweed? Onion Pie Puff? Sexy Bees? Jackdaws? Holy Ruin? Agate Violin? Oreo Id? Guilt? (Duncan Stevens)

Tubes' exquisite vulgarization metaphor joke: it gets around FCC. "We foiled everyone!" "Baby's arm holding an apple" -- ...radio win! (Kevin Dopart)

Mom Elizabeth bequeathed iconic jewelry to new king. Savvier antagonists lodge parody of ruler suited up in a foxy tiara. (Martin Ruddy, Russell, Ontario, a First Offender)

VII:
Sloth: I laze.
Gluttony: A fat man.
Envy: Jealous of.
Pride: Big opinion.
Wrath: Angerquake.
Lust: Desire waxed.
Greed: More bocci.
(Alison Thompson, Acton, Mass.)

O, We, a crazed vexed hero People, made a Just Tranquil Union of vigor, aegis, Welfare and Liberty by making this Constitution. (Jon Gearhart)

[And Last] Every week: one all-exalted, queenly autocrat judging ( "No bromides!"), offering victors sad two-bit mini-"prizes" (hah!). Aah, utopia! (Karen Lambert)

[And Even Laster] Woo-hoo! Our Style Invite text wizards have quickly rearranged 100 Scrabble tiles into a poem, a pun, an idea. I'm off judging. -- The E (Chris Doyle)

[And Lastest of All] Style Invitational: Go build a cool anagram! Derive excrement joke, Send your quip to the Empress, win a bad prize. Oh, I guffaw! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

Still running -- deadline Monday night, Oct. 3: Our contest for state slogans, with a twist. See wapo.st/invite1507.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:(Jon Gearhart; Elden Carnahan)
Examples:(Jon Gearhart; Jon Gearhart; Jon Gearhart)
Title:(Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize:(Elden Carnahan)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1507: All over the map! Plus top food songs.
Make a state slogan with the first letters of nearby states. And another round of inking parodies and videos.

By Pat Myers

September 22, 2022 at 9:41 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to the winning song parodies and videos about food

MINNESOTA: We Must Insist On Politeness! (Wisconsin, Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania)

IDAHO: We Now Make KETO-Organic Potatoes! (Wyo., Neb., Mo., Ky., Ohio, Pa.)

CALIFORNIA: A Noxious, Overbearing World Infested With Narcissists (Ariz., Nev., Ore., Wash., Idaho, Wyo., Neb.)

The idea for this contest, Bob Staake told the Empress, came to him, fully formed, in a dream. Which makes it even more abundantly clear, far beyond his cartoons, that Bob is in his own Bobworld.

It's a little complicated to explain, but we think it'll be fun to do. Bear with us here. This week:

Choose one of the contiguous 48 U.S. states or D.C. Then write a funny slogan for that state by "traveling a route" from that state into several others. Use the first letters of the states in your route as the first letters of the words in your slogan, as in Bob's examples above. (You may either use or skip the state you're writing about.)

The route has to be an unbroken line, but it can twist and turn in every direction, and can cross the same state more than once.

You may add "a," "an," "the," "and" and "or" anywhere in your slogan even if it doesn't refer to the state you're going through.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1507 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 3; results appear Oct. 23 in print, Oct. 20 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine whoopee cushion, that venerable, ever-so-droll idiocy aid that emits a "braaap!" fart noise when it's sat on. Nanoseconds of hilarity ensue! Donated by Dave Prevar.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Kitchen Sing" is by Chris Doyle; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Sept. 22, at wapo.st/conv1507.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Kitchen sing: Food-themed parodies from Week 1503

In Week 1503 we asked for songs about food -- growing it, buying it, cooking it, eating it. And wouldn't you know, the Loser Community had to add digesting it -- and egesting it -- as subjects among the hundreds of songs entered, both in text and video. If you're not familiar with a particular tune being parodied, click on the link in the title to hear the original -- and sing along.

Honorable mention: our favorite video this week: Chinese Buffet (To "YMCA"): By Marty, Sam and Nora Gold; featuring Marty, kids Ari and Nora, and pooch Pumpernickel Gold (watch the end), Arlington, Va. (If you're not seeing the video above, click here.)

4th place:

To "Downtown"
What brings me joy when life is really annoying? I can always throw
Ketchup!
All of my crudeness just brings out my dudeness when I make it flow.
Ketchup!
There's nothing else that I can do that's quite as satisfying
As flinging out my arm and making condiments go flying.
Such a big thrill!
I like to throw different kinds.
Get me a jar of Del Monte, a bottle of Heinz.
I throw ketchup when I am feeling cross!
Ketchup! This is my favorite sauce.
Ketchup! Makes me feel like a boss now.
(Barbara Sarshik, Vienna, Va.)

3rd place:

To "Yesterday"
Yesterday, how I pigged out at the free buffet
Now the nausea won't go away
I should have dined home yesterday.

Sirloin steak, then the double-chocolate layer cake
Topped with ice cream, was a big mistake
Will I survive this stomachache?

And the apple pie, my oh my, it was delish!
But now I could die, don't know why -- maybe the knish?

Saturday, hope my diarrhea goes away
There's a wedding up in Rockaway
I hear they have a great buffet.
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

2nd place and the souvenir bags of chocolate 'poop':

"Eye of the Tiger"
Fifty-plus, hardly petite,
Out of sorts, constipated.
Now I know I have to watch what I eat,
For a chance just to reach sixty-five.
So I'll add, at every repast,
Something raw and organic,
And I pray the Lord will let it work fast,
'Cause I need that relief to arrive *
It's a high-fiber diet that will loosen what's tight,
Clear me out! (Else I fear for my survival).
Unmilled bran? Yeah, I'll try it!
And I'll savor each bite,
'Cause I'm changing my life with a high-fiber diet!
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

"Wouldn't It Be Nice"
Pumpkin-flavored spice in your espresso,
Nutmeg, ginger, cloves there, in your mug.
"Just what you were wanting!" Um, I guess so;
Not the kind of blend I've really dug.
Do you maybe find it disconcerting?
Autumn means your loins you'd best be girding:
Pumpkin-flavored spice in Belgian waffle,
Pumpkin-flavored spice potato chips,
Pumpkin-flavored burgers -- that's just awful!
Pumpkin-flavored Spam? Not on my lips!
You know, I think I'm now prepared for winter;
Six feet deep I'd like this blend to inter.
That too-pervasive spice!
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Cordon Blah: Honorable mentions

"If I Only Had a Brain"
("sung" by Count Dracula)
I could while away an hour
And happily devour
A magnum of champagne;
Better yet (and delicious!)
Would be blood (it's quite nutritious!),
If I only had a vein.
I would love to taste your plasma;
(Might even help my asthma!);
I know it sounds insane;
Have a heart! Did I mention
That my thirst I could be quenchin',
If I only had a vein.

Oh, I can't tell you why
It's blood that I adore;
After biting, when my collar's stained with gore,
I spray with Shout! (That's what it's for!)
Though my pointy teeth may pain ya,

We'll fly to Transylvania --
I'm sure they have a plane;
We'd be sitting by the campfire --
You would get to be a vampire,
If I only had a vein!
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Portions of a Pie (To "Corner of the Sky" from "Pippin"): By Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla., a First Offender (If you're not seeing the video above, click here.)

24-Carrot Magic
To "24K Magic" by Bruno Mars
Crunch, crunch, it's orange / Tasty / Plus it's good for you
You haven't heard? / You didn't know? / That Bugs Bunny recommends it, too?
I'm cutting pieces for / A hot stew or / Perhaps a British mincemeat pie
Don't look too hard, but you won't need to / They say carrots help you see at night
Oh, snap!
I'm a real healthy man when a carrot's what I'm eating (eat up)
No more Milky Ways for me next month when I'm out trick-or-treating (eat up)
It's my new favorite food, "What's up, doc?" is my new greeting (eat up)
Vegans only!
Throw the celery out of the room!
Chefs! Toss those turnips, too!
24-carrot magic in the air*
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

To "My Sharona"
Open up the package and grease a pan,
Brownin' up the pasta in Rice-a-Roni!
Add the spices from the foil, water boil,
Whippin' up a batch of that Rice-a-Roni!
San Francisco treat, can't be beat,
Such a starchy side, it goes with any meat,
To complete all your meals with pride *
Aye-aye-aye-aye *.. Wooo! Rice-a-Roni! (Mark Raffman)

My Nutella (To "Bus Stop" by the Hollies): By Sandy Riccardi, Asheville, N.C. (If you're not seeing the video above, click here.)
https://youtu.be/-Q9svgNELPs
I shop, midday, it's there, I say
"Please be my Nutella"
Can't stop, God knows, all day thighs grow
Eating my Nutella

Lunch and breakfast I inhale it
Wind or rain or shine
With spoons and knives I just impale it
I oughta build a shrine

(Bridge) Every morning I do see it
Waiting to be plopped
Sometimes on top of pancakes or bananas too
All my family stares at me as if I'm quite insane
You touch it? You'll get hurt. Oh, why must I explain?

One fine day my man implored me
To please share my Nutella
I said, "Take not one step toward me,
I won't share my Nutella"

'Fore I knew that cheeky fella
Lunged to take a bite
Nice to think that my Nutella
Made it through the fight

White bread, cocoa-hazelnut spread
I live for my Nutella
Think I'm joking? What you smoking?
I'd kill for my Nutella
I'd kill for my Nutella
I'd kill for my Nutella
(Sandy Riccardi, Asheville, N.C.)

Two to "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"
Because we were afraid to eat a fish that sounded bad,
PR types gave its name a tweak -- which soon became a fad.
Now toothfish, slimehead, yelloweye and witch are swallowed whole
As "sea bass," "roughy," "snapper" and of course the "Torbay sole."
Yes super-clever marketers can make things seem less crummy --
Still, there is a limit to the stuff that we'll find yummy.
Listen, spin docs: Quit rebranding pols who've acted scummy!
They're the kind of bottom-feeders who upset the tummy.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

Super-smart refrigerator, what an innovation!
Tells you how much food you have and dates of expiration
If it can do one more thing, it gets my admiration:
Super fridge if you're so smart, please cook -- I'm on vacation!
(Hildy Zampella, Vienna, Va.)

The Hovering Waiter
To "Moon River"
Big menu, 20 pages long.
My love and I'll be strong and say:
"Oh, waiter, come back later
We need time to think, so just please go away."
Two diners out to get a meal, a meal that's eaten leisurely
We're after some food that tastes good
And we think we could,
If the waiter would
Spare my love and me.

They wait till you begin to chew,
Then they come up to you and ask
How things things are tasting
But they're wasting
Their time 'cause we're not there to give a review.
Meal's over, here he comes again
Only time will tell us when he'll ask,
"Are you still working on that?"
We'll just tell him, "Scat"
We'll stay just where we're at
Right here where we got sat
That's my love and me.
(Rick Bromberg, Fairfax, Va.)

It's Not Easy Eating Beans (To "It's Not Easy Being Green"): By Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore (If you're not seeing the video above, click here)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvTX9yBSx7U
It's not easy eating beans,
Having to spend each meal just opening a can,
When I think it could be nicer
Eating steak or burgers or wings,
Or something that's much tastier like that.

It's not easy eating beans
Seems your meals just blend in with so many
Other ones you ate.
And people tend to pass you over,
Cause somehow you stand out
And they gag and run away -
I wish I knew why.

But beans are filling and cheap
And beans have protein and fiber, too.
When inflation climbs up like a mountain
You can always clip a coupon,
Buy one, get one free.

When beans are all you can afford,
It could make you wonder why,
But why wonder, why wonder
I'll eat beans and they'll do fine
But I don't I think they're really what I*.excuse me.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)



To "My Favorite Things"

Passion fruit smoothie with Brussels sprout topper,

Food that can never taste good as a Whopper,

Bean sprouts and quinoa, we're so out of touch;
These are the things that we don't like so much.
Cucumber-melon does not go together;
We need more substance to get through this weather.
Shiitake tacos taste just like they sound,
I guess we're forever resigned to be round.
When my spouse cooks with no cookbook,
We'll be eating in,
We simply keep eating our favorite things,
So maybe we're not . . . so thin.
(Nancy McWhorter, Isle of Palms, S.C.)

This S'more That I'm Eating (To "More Than a Feeling") : By Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md., with daughter Ziva (If you're not seeing the video above, click here)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YxjjBg6Ci0

I build up the fire, the light was gone
Break off some chocolate to melt my way
I might lose my marshmallow in the lawn
I close my eyes and it slips away!

This s'more that I'm eating (s'more that I'm eating)
When I sear it just like a warm souffle (s'more that I'm eating)
It begins heating (this smore that I'm eating)
Hope my marshmallow turns out okay
I see my marshmallow turning to gray

So many campfires have burned and gone
The embers fade as the night goes by
Yet still I'm enthralled as I start to yawn
It's clear as a spark in the evening sky

This s'more that I'm eating (s'more that I'm eating)
When I sear it just like a warm souffle (s'more that I'm eating)
It begins heating (this smore that I'm eating)
Hope my marshmallow turns out okay
I see my marshmallow turning to gray

When I'm cozy against the cold,
Just one more pass at this sweet buffet,
My marshmallow curls, it's all aglow
I close my eyes and it slips away
It slips away!

This s'more that I'm eating (s'more that I'm eating)
When I sear it just like a warm souffle (s'more that I'm eating)
It begins heating (this smore that I'm eating)
Hope my marshmallow turns out okay!
(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)


To "Desperado"
Guacamole, you appeal to my senses,
I've got no defenses against you at all;
You're so tasty and so perfectly seasoned
it's like I'm unreasoned when I hear you call.

Oh they're shipped from the Southern Hemisphere
By boats, planes, trains and trucks to here
'Cause we want avocados for our own.
And though the cost is mostly freight
We just don't care that half the weight is stone.

Guacamole, you ain't getting' no fresher,
And I know that there's pressure to change as you please --
ah, but changes, oh changes, that's New York foodies jivin' --
And you'll be survivin' these new recipes.

Don't you go bad fast in the summertime
Your green turns brown from a lack of lime
And it's hard to miss that slight hint of decay.
It won't be long that you'll postpone
the time that you find you'll be thrown away.

Guacamole, I think we've come to our senses;
Those sweet pea pretenses just don't taste as great.
And I am aiming with a chip poised above you
I'm gonna show you that I love you * before it's too late.
(Marcus Bales, Elyria, Ohio)

@theladyhamlet #vegans #vegansoftiktok #musicalparody #feelings * Cumbia Buena - Grupo La Cumbia

Vegans (To "Feelings") : By Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va. (If you're not seeing the video above, click here)
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTR5xd2sT/

Vegans, nothing more than vegans
Trying to forget my hunger for cows...
Soybeans taking over my plate
Trying to forget my taste for pork now...

Vegans! My doctor says it's vegans
I wish I'd never asked 'bout my health
I'll never eat again
VEEEEEEE-GAAAAAANS... Whoa, whoa, whoa, Vegans!
Or should I say "me-gans?"
I guess I'm one now...
(Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)


We're Eating Our Mistakes: Song of the Covid Incarcerees
To "I've Got a Little List"
As every day it happens that our three meals must be cooked
One boils and broils and bakes, one boils and broils and bakes
But when cooking skills were given out, we both were overlooked
So we're eating our mistakes, we're eating our mistakes--
Our meatballs and spaghetti wound up sticking to the pot
You're s'posed to stir it now and then, but both of us forgot
The cookies burned and now they look like sooty little coals
And what went in as pita bread came out as dinner rolls
We overmixed some batter, so it's bricks instead of cakes
We're eating our mistakes, we're eating our mistakes.
Chorus: One boils and broils and bakes, one boils and broils and bakes
And we're eating our mistakes, we're eating our mistakes.

It's bread dough needs the handling, not pie crust--well, who knew?
We've strata now, not flakes, we've strata now, not flakes
And I'm amazed--it seems that one can overcook a stew
We're eating our mistakes, we're eating our mistakes--
Our sourdough has never worked, it doesn't rise, it sinks
The kimchi we fermented went and rotted, now it stinks
The fritters fizzled in the oil, dessert's a soggy mess
And I forget what's on that plate--I couldn't even guess
And looking in that pot of soup's like looking down a jakes
We're eating our mistakes, we're eating our mistakes.
(Chorus)

The flour's almost gone now, but no matter--there's no yeast
Who cares, for goodness' sakes? Who cares, for goodness' sakes?
We've made another liquor run, we don't care in the least
We're eating our mistakes, we're eating our mistakes--
If ever we emerge into the sunshine from this plague
I'm going to take a #$%ing bath in #$%ing Haig and Haig
Then visit every rest'rant in the city with the miz
Like Whatshisname's and You-Know-Who's--I hope they're still in biz
But it really doesn't matter, 'cause till then, my stomach aches
From eating our mistakes, from eating our mistakes. (Shelley Posen, Ottawa, a First Offender)

"Ode to the Chinese Buffet"
To "Y.M.C.A":
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvYchwkDjKk
[VERSE]
[DAD]: Hey kids, what do you want for dinner?
Should we just cook and stay in, or*
Maybe we could go out to eat;
I don't want to clean this kitchen.

[SON]: I'd like a big plate of fried rice
[DAUGHTER]: And I think wonton soup would be nice
[DAD]: Let's go somewhere that's not too pricey
Where we could all be happy*

[CHORUS]
[ALL]: Why don't we go to the Chinese buffet?
[DAD]: "All-you-can-eat" is the American way!
[SON]: We can start with dumplings
[DAUGHTER]: And spring rolls too!
[DAD]: Then move onto some yung egg foo!
[ALL]: At the Chinese buffet!
[DAD]: They've got that Mongolian beef saute
[DAUGHTER]: But I don't want to eat too heavy tonight
[SON]: Then just take Buddha's Delight!

[VERSE, at restaurant]
[DAD]: Hunan, Szechuan or Cantonese,
Take some lo mein, cooked however you please.
[SON]: I wonder who this General Tso was,
I really like his chicken!

[DAUGHTER]: That was a really good spread.
[DAD, reading fortune cookie]: New surprises await you*
[SON]: IN BED!!!
[SON]: I don't need to eat for a week
[DOG, back at home]: I hope they bring me an eggroll!

[CHORUS, back at home]:
[ALL]: We had good times at the Chinese buffet!
[DAD]: I can't eat like this every day.
[DAUGHTER]: Once in a while, it's okay to splurge,
[ALL]: 'cause sometimes you get the urge
To go to the Chinese buffet!
(by Marty Gold, Sam Gold, Nora Gold, Arlington, Va.)


Still running -- deadline Tuesday night, Sept. 27: Our contest to use any of 32 new dictionary words in a short, funny poem. See wapo.st/invite1506.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:(Bob Staake)
Examples:(Bob Staake; Bob Staake; Bob Staake)
Title:(Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (William Kennard)
Prize:(Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1503:(Marty Gold; Sam Gold; Nora Gold; Judy Freed; Sandy Riccardi)
Add:H:1503:(Jonathan Jensen; Sarah Walsh; Marni Penning Coleman)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1506: Let's go magnet fishing with new words
Write a short poem with one of these terms recently added to the dictionary. Plus winning 'hi'-word limericks.

By Pat Myers

September 15, 2022 at 9:53 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to the winning limericks.

The meal that chefs call omakase
(A go-to of the sushi posse)
The raw-fish lover's trendy favorite
Alas, when done they have to pay for it.

Yeet!

The folks at Merriam-Webster are back with a look at some of the 370 new terms and meanings they've recently added to their dictionary -- and even donated a prize celebrating one of them.

So let's do what we did with the last batch about a year ago: This week: From the list below, write a humorous poem of eight lines or fewer featuring one or more of these terms, as in the creatively (but validly) rhyming example above by Style Invitational fan Gene Weingarten, a longtime connoisseur of the subtleties of Japanese food who indeed has ordered omakase, a chef's-choice menu. Look up the words at M-W.com or click on the links below. (And no, magnet fishing does not mean entering The Style Invitational.)

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1506 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Tuesday night, Sept. 27 (that's for you, Rosh Hashanah people); results appear Oct. 16 in print, Oct. 13 online.

adorkable
birria
cootie catcher
dawn chorus
deep cut
dumbphone
FWIW
greenwash
hairy eyeball
hoglet
ICYMI
janky
kratom
LARP
level up
lewk
MacGyver
magnet fishing
meatspace
mood board
omakase
pumpkin spice
pwn
shrinkflation
side hustle
sponcon
stromboli
supervillain
supply chain
sus
Tater Tots
yeet

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a mug imprinted with the Merriam-Webster logo and its definition of "pumpkin spice." (The Empress, who will drink virtually any coffee that keeps her awake, including that filtered through old socks, had to spit out a pumpkin spice brew. But that's your call.)

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline " 'Hi'-way Ribbery" is by Jeff Contompasis; Kevin Dopart and Tom Witte both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Sept. 15, at wapo.st/conv1506.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

'Hi'-way ribbery: Winning limericks from Week 1502

Week 1502 was our annual Limerixicon, a salute to the never-ending limerick dictionary project at OEDILF.com. This year we've inched up to the "hi-" words.

4th place:

Two newlywed Goths want to choose
A token of love they won't lose.
She likes funerals, he
Adores snakes; they agree
To get hiss-and-hearse matching tattoos.
(Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)

3rd place:

One day Lassie, while filming, was laggin';
Wouldn't move -- so they had to start draggin'.
The director said, "Sheesh,
Let's attach a long leash,
Then we'll go hitch our star to a wagon."
(Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

2nd place

and the book "Museum of Bad Art: Masterpieces":

I like rap, so I play it nonstop,
Which annoys both my mom and my pop.
"That ain't music," they say,
"Like the hits in our day,
Long before your dang hippety-hop."
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Our home is historic, you'll see.
Mr. Rochester shares it with me.
We have bedrooms to rent
From September to Lent --
Log on now to JaneEyreBnB!
(Stephen Gold, London)

Junior HI-: Honorable mentions

Said a hidebound exec, "When I'm hiring
I pick bottoms and legs worth admiring."
It got back to HR,
Which reached out: "Au revoir!
For it's clear, sir, you'll soon be retiring."
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Mr. Dumpty is sadly now gone,
His remains scattered out on the lawn,
He climbed far, far too high
On that wall -- why, oh why?
It seems that his friends egged him on.
(Kevin Ahern, Corvallis, Ore.)

A British guitarist named Stan
Was playing a concert in Cannes,
When an audience member
Threw rocks and an ember *
And that's when the Brit hit the fan. *
(Madeleine Begun Kane, Bayside, N.Y.)

My kitchen's been gaily restyled:
Neon yellow and pink have run wild!
To what do I owe
This mysterious glow?
Just two highlighters snagged by my child.
(Christy Tosatto, a full-time RV nomad submitting from near St. John's, Newfoundland)

Have a problem to solve that's got heft?
Is it making you feel less than deft?
Never fear! Keep your cool!
Thanks to vigilance, you'll
Sometimes find there's a bit of help left.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

At my campsite I'm startled to see
A black and white beast by my knee.
Though the tail that arises
Is his, the surprise is:
The high-tailing party is me.
(Coleman Glenn)

A man came to Hippocrates; quoth
The man: "Look, on my elbow's a growth,
And it hurts -- makes me yelp."
Doc said, "Wish I could help,
Sir, but 'First, do no arm' was my oath!"
(Karen Lambert)

Hippocrates tried something new
When his days as a doctor were through:
He began cutting hair
At a beauty school, where
He taught stylists to first harm no 'do. (Chris Doyle)

About Hillary he was frenetic.
"Lock her up!" got the crowds energetic.
So the boxes they found
In his club will be bound
To make justice seem extra poetic.
(Michael Stein, Arlington)

He spoke of a hip joint he knew;
She seemed to be interested, too.
"Ooh, that place down the street
Where the in-people meet?"
Then he pulled out his X-rays to view.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

He took documents with him, unbidden,
In a Florida safe, kept them hidden.
Now his fans, near and distant,
Just to keep it consistent,
All proclaim, "Lock him up!" (Nah, just kiddin'.)
(Mark Raffman)

Trump's take on the docs he had hidden:
"That's BS! Who said it's forbidden?
They're mine, free and clear!
Plus, they weren't even here --
You guys planted them! Whaddaya, kiddin'?"
(Sharon Neeman, Pardes Hanna, Israel)

Hickory dickory dock,
Dumb mouse must have gotten a shock
When the sound of a chime
Put an end to his climb.
What a weenie, cold-cocked by a clock!
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

The internist loved the old clock,
But his words left the seller in shock:
"Even though the wood's nice,
I will not pay full price:
I'm a dickery hickory doc."
(Jeff Loren, Seattle)

A gentleman wearing Versace
Ate with gusto and got it all splotchy.
In a hurry, he tried
Using water and dried
It most foolishly -- with a hibachi.
(Stephen Gilberg, Silver Spring, Md.)

"I've a bad case of hiccups,"said Beth,
"That won't end and it scares me to death.
Hope I'll soon find a cure,
But I'm not really sure
That I will - I'm not holding my breath."
(Kirk Miller, Richardson, Tex.)

Joe Manchin is no country hick
But he's made many city folks sick
With his waffles and whines
And his coddling of mines:
He's changed horses while deep in the crick.
(David Johnston, Elkridge, Md., who last got Invite ink in 1998)

To be covered in sweat is hidrotic,
And in college, I'd get so neurotic:
Each exam was a stressor--
Once a physics professor
Said, "Relax, you look semi-aquatic!"
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

As a fielder ran under a fly ball,
Its position he couldn't quite eyeball.
When it cost him the game
He got drunk out of shame.
So that's twice he got whipped by a highball.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

On the highway, my teen sped ahead.
"That car's wrong and I'm right!" So I said,
"If there's danger afield,
And you choose not to yield,
You'll be right but you'll also be dead."
(Karen Lambert)

Putin's behaving like Hitler,
Wants to carve up Ukraine like a whittler.
He's a new Russian czar
With chutzpah bizarre
(Compensating for parts that are littler?)
(Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.)

"Hip, hooray!" sounds so boring, so blah -
As congrats, it lacks je ne sais quoi.
Also, more to the point,
Why not some other joint?
"Elbows mazel tov!" "Knuckle huzzah!"
(Daniel Galef, Tallahassee)

My medical history's done;
Seems colitis and flatulence run
In my family, docs say.
No surprise there 'cause, hey,
I keep hearing "Like farter, like son."
(Chris Doyle)

Time to toast! I was glad to comply,
So I lifted my glass to the sky.
I finished my highball
And checked out my eyeball...
So where is that "mud in my eye"?
(Beverley Sharp)

I flunked history, couldn't defeat it
(And didn't do much to complete it).
I should have been wiser;
So says my adviser,
Who tells me I'm doomed to repeat it.
(Coleman Glenn)

This is sure to delight boyfriend Tommy:
'Neath the couch I'm concealing pastrami,
And there's more meat that's stowed
Just behind the commode!
Well, he said, "Let's play hide-the-salami."
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

A hive is a home for a bee
A bird makes its nest in a tree
A hole is a house
For a mole or a mouse
And a Palm Beach resort with lots of rooms for top-secret documents is a house for me-- because I don't have to obey any laws, including the laws of limericks.
(Joan Welsh, Arlington, Va., a First Offender -- after the poem by Mary Ann Hoberman)

Still running -- deadline Monday night, Sept. 19: Combine the names of any two U.S. and/or Canadian cities in a "joint venture." See wapo.st/invite1505.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:()
Examples:(Gene Weingarten)
Title:(Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart; Tom Witte)
Prize:()
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1505: Munici-pals
Pair 2 or more names of 'sister cities' for a 'joint venture.' Plus winning ways (not) to be helpful.

By Pat Myers

September 8, 2022 at 9:57 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to the winning "helpful" ideas

The Keokuk (Iowa)-Chappaqua (N.Y.) Conference on Jazz Drumming Sounds (Phil Frankenfeld)

The Marietta -Liddell-Lamm Children's Library (Brendan Beary) (Ga., N.C., N.C.)

The Pray-Novice-Pilot-Cando-Landing Air Phobia Support Group (Russell Beland) (Mont., Tex., Va., N.D., N.J.)

Here's a contest the Empress ran when she was a wee little thing, just weeks into her Empressitude, and had never run again despite a deluge of entries. You know how two towns sometimes have a cultural or economic relationship as "sister cities"? Choose any two or more real U.S. or Canadian towns -- they need to show up on a Google search -- and come up with a joint endeavor they would undertake, as in the examples above from Week 546 in 2004. It's conceived as a wordplay contest on their names, but the E wouldn't rule out an idea based on the qualities of the actual places. Write the state/province names at the end of your entry so your joke is easier to read.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1505 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 19; results appear Oct. 9 in print, Oct. 6 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a truly fabulous large-format (and out-of-print) album of "Literary Paper Dolls," which let you cut out and dress everyone from Shakespeare to Dickinson to Capote with appropriate accessories. For Kafka, there's a full-size bug with little tabs! Donated by Pie Snelson.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Loser-Friendly" is by Duncan Stevens; Duncan also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Sept. 8, at wapo.st/conv1505.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Loser-friendly: 'Helpful' hints from Week 1501

In Week 1501, the Empress asked for "helpful" acts that are anything but. Several people noted how they thoughtfully straddle two parking spaces so they won't ding nearby cars when they throw open their doors.

4th place:

For their birthdays, I give my grandchildren underwear I'd saved from when I was their age, so they can treasure the link between our generations. (Paul Brown, Silver Spring, Md.)

3rd place:

When I have a full cart at the supermarket, I go to the express lane and break it up into multiple purchases of 12 items so people will see I'm not cheating. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

2nd place:

and the "Butt Head of the Household" men's socks:

Nobody likes being told in public that their zipper's down, so I just walk up and discreetly zip it back up for them. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

When I see tourist couples trying to take selfies, I always offer to take the photo for them because I have really long arms and they probably enjoy having a local in the picture. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)

Ech support: Honorable mentions

With so many of my neighbors working from home these days, I make sure not to disturb their Zoom calls: I do all my lawn mowing and leaf blowing before 7 a.m. (David MacGregor, Arlington, Va.)

Around Valentine's Day, I make sketches of random people on the subway so they can give them as gifts to their special someone. And I depict them as I imagine they would appear naked. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

As a police officer, I recognize that we're all too often seen as the "bad guys." That's why I make a point of pulling drivers over on the road just to introduce myself. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.)

Knowing how difficult the months ahead can be, I like to discreetly take a picture of the deceased at funeral viewings, then use it later to make a personalized Christmas card for the widow or widower. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

At home, I always leave the toilet seat up so my wife can see at a glance whether she needs to clean it. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

When I see a woman trying to decide between two items at the grocery store, I pick one and throw it in her cart. -- S. Alito (Ben Aronin, Washington)

Believe me, I know how unfair it is to pay taxes, so I make sure my employees at Mar-a-Lago stay in a low bracket. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Every time I take a sip from the Communion chalice, I always spit it back in to make sure there's enough for the next person. (Mark Wakefield, Frederick, Md., a First Offender)

"P-O-T-A-T-O * Add one little bit on the end * You're right phonetically, but what else *? There ya' go * all right!" -- Vice President Quayle visiting an elementary school, 1992 (Roxi Slemp, Bariloche, Argentina)

When I play golf, I scream "FORE!" at the top of my lungs every time I swing, just to be on the safe side. You never know where that putt might go. (Scott Richards, Hollywood, Md.)

I always keep candy in the car in case I want to offer a ride to some poor kid walking home alone. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

I think that, like me, most people do these little acts of kindness. So they'll know their efforts are appreciated, I leave little anonymous notes where strangers will find them, saying, "I know what you did." (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee, Fla.)

When the flight attendant passes my row, I always smile, point at my lap and poke my pelvis up so she can see my seat belt is fastened. (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.)

When I'm first in line at a stoplight, I always pause a few seconds when the light turns green to give everyone behind me the chance to get off their phones. (Robert Welch, Atlanta)

My roommate is kind of a neat freak, so I make sure to keep all my toenail clippings on my side of the dorm room. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

When I learned that my son's English class had been assigned to read "Moby-Dick," I gave my son the comic book version so he'd have more time for football practice. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Sailing to Europe at last to bring those guys the goods they want! I figure we'll be back in the Crimea by 1347. Glad I have my pet rat Bubo to keep me company -- wish he didn't have fleas, though. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

When I get a 2-for-1 coupon for a good restaurant near my job, I always invite a co-worker to come with me so we can both enjoy some friendly conversation while I eat my free lunch. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

As a proctologist, I try to keep my patients relaxed by putting smiley faces on the fingertips of my exam gloves. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

When I see someone parked in a handicap spot without the sticker, I help them stay out of trouble by spray-painting a little wheelchair on their windshield. (Mark Raffman)

When I'm alone in an elevator with another person, I subtly signal that I'm not a threat by intoning nursery rhymes under my breath. (Coleman Glenn)

At classical concerts, I always applaud and cheer after each movement of a symphony to give the players that emotional boost for the rest of the piece. (Steve Honley, Washington)

When I walk in the state park, I often see trees defaced with brightly painted rectangles. Now I always bring brown spray paint with me to cover up the ugliness. (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.)

A friend of mine has put on a few pounds, but I wanted to let her know that I didn't think any less of her for it. I even sent her a list and photos of successful fat people. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

During my barista shifts in the winter, I keep completed orders warm in my armpits while customers make their way to the counter. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

You know how they say, "You know your child best"? That's why I help out my daughter's soccer coach by pointing out the best times to put her into the game. (Fred Shuback, Silver Spring, Md.)

I know how irritating it is to have a long wait during a short lunch break. That's why I always wave to my friends to join me in my place in the food truck line. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)

To encourage my young children to give back to the community, I have them bring their violins to restaurants so the other customers can listen to music while they dine. (Hildy Zampella, Vienna, Va.)

To reduce motel maids' duties, I never remove the "Sanitized for Your Protection" toilet band during my entire stay. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

When there's a bicyclist in front of me, I sound my horn every five seconds so they know I'm carefully watching them. (Frank Mann, Washington)

And Last: When submitting a Style Invitational entry I insert lots of laughter emoji to help the Empress realize it's funny! **** (Christy Tosatto, a full-time RV nomad submitting from near Cheticamp, Nova Scotia)

And Even Laster: I KNOW THAT THE EMPRESS IS GETTING PRETTY OLD BY NOW, SO I HELP HER OUT BY SUBMITTING MY ENTRIES IN ALL CAPS. (Rob Cohen)

Two contests still running -- deadline for both is Monday night, Sept. 12:

For Week 1503, write a song about food (growing, cooking, eating, anything) to a well-known tune or your own.

And for Week 1504, write something that uses all 100 Scrabble tiles.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:()
Examples:(Phil Frankenfeld; Brendan Beary; Russell Beland)
Title:(Duncan Stevens)
Subhead:(Duncan Stevens)
Prize:(Pie Snelson)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1504: All set -- anagram all 100 Scrabble tiles
Empty out the bag and see what you get. Plus winning new words that would score 15 Scrabble points.

By Pat Myers

September 1, 2022 at 9:52 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to the 15-point words and phrases

Kansas girl with a dog,
aided by brave companions,
journeyed up to Oz, in time
recalling the exquisite value
of red footwear.
-- Scrabblegram by David Cohen about, well, duh (blanks are D and O)

The Empress was alerted recently to the marvelous Twitter account Scrabblegrams by Dave, Dave being physician David Cohen of Atlanta, who's been posting an anagram of the entire Scrabble set every day -- hundreds of them so far. Dave first encountered this daunting challenge in a 1997 contest in Games Magazine, in which he came up not only with a valid Scrabblegram, as the form had become known (not related to ScrabbleGrams, the Jumble-type word contest in daily papers including The Post), but an excellent limerick to boot -- winning the whole contest:

A clown jumps above a trapeze.
Arcs over one-eighty degrees.
Out into mid-air,
Quite unaware
Of his exiting billfold and keys.
(Blanks are E and S.)

Then, just two years ago, Dave read an article about Scrabblegrams in Eric Chaikin's blog Beyond Wordplay, tracing the form back to Britain in the 1970s and declaring Dave's clown limerick the GOAT of the genre. And bam -- Dave plunged in once again, "then got hooked for good."

And so if Dave can Scrabblegram every single day on Twitter and his website, the Loser Community can surely come through for this week's contest: Write a Scrabblegram -- an anagram of all 100 tiles in an English-language Scrabble set (your choice for the two blanks). Any punctuation is fine. Your writing can be a funny thought, a poem, a dialogue, what-evah.

Here's how many of each letter you'll be working with: A-9, B-2, C-2, D-4, E-12, F-2, G-3, H-2, I-9, J-1, K-1, L-4, M-2, N-6, O-8, P-2, Q-1, R-6, S-4, T-6, U-4, V-2, W-2, X-1, Y-2, Z-1. Plus the two blanks of your choice.

There's a fabulous -- and necessary -- tool for writing and checking your Scrabblegram, one we've used in previous anagram contests: It's the Anagram Checker at wordsmith.org, devised by the brilliant and also very gracious Anu Garg. See the the bottom of this column for a string of the 100 characters you can copy into the tool to compare with your own anagram -- and if it's valid, the letters will jump around in celebration.

Submit up to 25 entries (if you're some sort of freaky Dave-like anagramming wizard) at wapo.st/enter-invite-1504 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 12; results appear Oct. 2 in print, Sept. 29 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a charming Yoda-head pail with handle, suitable for trick-or-treating, as a little planter, or as an excellent handbag for your more whimsical cocktail parties. Donated by Daphne Steinberg.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Neolog15ms" is by Kevin Dopart; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Loser David Smith alerted the Empress to the Twitter account Scrabblegrams by Dave. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1504.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Neolog15ms: New 15-Scrabble-point words from Week 1500

To celebrate Week 1500, the Empress asked the Losers to think up new words whose letters would add up to 15 points in Scrabble. (It mattered not whether there were more P's, say, in a word than there are in the game, or whether a word would have to land on a double space.)

4th place:

Subpeony: The official flower of the Justice Department -- it's been in full bloom lately in Florida and Georgia. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

3rd place:

Vegenerates: The debased, un-American sort who would order plant-based sausage at Cracker Barrel. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

2nd place

and the dog butt coat hooks:

QAnon: It is 15 points -- you counted it wrong. (Erika Reinfeld, Medford, Mass.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Dadolescent: A husband who spends every damn night playing Nintendo with the kids. "Okay, hold on, they'll get to their homework in a bit *" (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

* Lose sum: Honorable mentions

Demoncrats: Evil, Satan-worshiping opponents of true, Trump-worshiping Republicans. (Ward Foeller, Charlottesville, Va.)

Deppleted: What Amber Heard's bank account got. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

Fadj: A "pilgrimage" to the latest hot destination. "Just everyone at our sorority is making the fadj to Cabo for spring break." (Daniel Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.)

Crashinals: D.C.'s baseball team ever since it won the pennant in 2019. (Frank Mann, Washington)

Geeze: To behave like your granddad. "Sheesh, 40 years old and he's already starting to geeze about the kids' music." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Hollerpeno: The absolutely hottest pepper on the Scoville scale. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Ivanked: Asked to do something you're totally unqualified to do. "My boss totally ivanked me by making me represent the agency at the diplomatic symposium. What do I know, I'm in marketing." (Maria Avillo, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender)

Prepenting: Expressing regret over what you're about to do anyway. "I know I'm going to get sick if I eat this whole Super Super Sundae. But you know, I can't exactly take it home *" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Ukrainium: A radioactive quagmire that's located between Vladimir Putin's ears. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Vladimort: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed. -- D.J.T. (Jesse Frankovich)

Arkansaps: People who thought overturning Roe would lead red states to provide generous support for mothers. See also: Floridupe, Montanaive and Duhkota. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Beetbarf: Borscht. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Boeberth: A measure of distance from a MAGA politician. "For your safety I'd recommend you stand at least 50 boeberths from Marjorie Taylor Greene." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Buoytoy: An oligarch's yacht. (Beverley Sharp)

Chocolit: What your kids get after eating half of their Halloween candy at one go. (Jonathan Jensen)

Coatex: Maybe not the best brand name for a new house paint. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Cusstoady: Where's Michael Cohen these days? (Mark Raffman)

Fauxn: A handy fake handheld that you have to "answer" when you're stuck in a boring conversation. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Gaysayer: Someone Ron DeSantis does not want to hear from. (Duncan Stevens)

Gochya: Russian-English for checkmate. (Sudhir Vasudeva, McLean, Va., a First Offender)

Graycists: People of a certain age who miss the old days when "everyone knew their place." (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

Gundamental: Apparently, the only type of right the Supreme Court believes in protecting absolutely. (Dave Airozo)

Hurlhood: Your fraternity years. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Impursonate: "She says it's genuine, but I'm pretty sure it's an impursonation. For one thing, the tag says 'Louie Veton.' " (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Liarbility: The penalty for blatant defamation. "That $45 million liarbility on Alex Jones couldn't have happened to a nicer guy." (Brian Krupp, Lewes, Del.)

Lowflutin: Using a jelly jar to drink champagne. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Moptimist: Someone who's convinced that one day someone besides me will clean up this #$$# kitchen! (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Mt. Neverest: A goal that's highly unlikely to happen. "Now Uncle Ernie says he's going to learn fluent Navajo -- there he goes, climbing Mount Neverest again!" (Karen Lambert)

Neighbrrr: The woman next door who answers your "good morning" with a withering stare. (Tom Witte)

Oughtful: With good intentions, anyway. "I really should stop rolling my eyes every time my idiot boss opens his mouth," Tom reflected oughtfully. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Oz-tent: A temporary "home" in the state where you plan to run for office. (Mark Raffman)

Pilluminati: A shadowy group said to control big pharma. "The pilluminati made sure Medicare could negotiate prices for just 10 drugs, starting in 2026." (Chris Doyle)

Plodometer: My Fitbit, usually. (Karen Lambert)

Pogroomers: Adults who manipulate teenage boys into growing up to be Proud ones. (Kevin Dopart)

Prepudiate: To reject before learning much relevant information. "She set her OkCupid to prepudiate anyone from West Virginia." (Karen Lambert)

Rustorationists: People who "age" furniture to sell as antiques. (Jeff Contompasis)

Scotify: Struggling platform for all-bagpipe music. (Chris Doyle)

Starspangler: Singer with an unfortunate tendency to do vocal gymnastics during the free-and-the-brave bit. (Steve Bremner, Philadelphia)

Unsnydered: Not yet ruined. "Even as the tow truck hauled away the mangled heap of his once-beloved Camaro, Chad was already plotting how he could get his dad to buy him a new, unsnydered one." -- All Commanders fans, everywhere (Jerome Uher, Alexandria, Va.)

And Last: Empressario: The manager of a company of clowns. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.)

And Even Laster: Inksplain: "In case you don't understand the humor of my entry, it's a wordplay combining the Latin root *" (Karen Lambert)

Still running -- deadline also Monday, Sept. 12: Our contest for songs about food (either parodies or originals). See wapo.st/invite1503.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.

The 100 letters for validating your Week 1504 anagram

When validating your anagram at the Anagram Checker website, copy the following block of letters and paste it into the "source text" field -- be sure to replace the question marks with the letters you're using for the two blank tiles. Then copy in your anagram and click on "check anagrams."

AAAAAAAAAB

BCCDDDDEEE

EEEEEEEEEF

FGGGHHIIII

IIIIIJKLLL

LMMNNNNNNO

OOOOOOOPPQ

RRRRRRSSSS

TTTTTTUUUU

VVWWXYYZ??


InvisibleInk!
Idea:(David Smith)
Examples:()
Title:(Kevin Dopart)
Subhead:(Tom Witte)
Prize:(Daphne Steinberg)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1503: Sing of your supper--parodies about food
Plus the winners of our Bob Staake cartoon caption contest

By Pat Myers

August 25, 2022 at 9:59 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to the winning cartoon captions

Along with the recurring song contests that focus on the news, the Empress likes to toss in a few that don't necessarily play off the headlines (though they're welcome to!). In the past we've done songs on the general themes of animals and work; this year, at the suggestion of both Marcus Bales and, more recently, Mark Raffman: Write a humorous song on the subject of food -- growing it, cooking with it, eating it, whatever -- set to a well-known tune or your original tune (for that, of course, you'd need to make a recording). Videos are an increasingly popular option in our song contests -- we've had some fabulous "video ink" in recent years -- but lyrics are still the main thing, and parodies that run in our print edition must be set to very familiar tunes. See this week's Style Conversational column for more guidance on doing songs for the Invite.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1503 (no capitals in the Web address). We give you an extra week for songs: Deadline is Monday, Sept. 12; results appear Sept. 25 in print, Sept. 22 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, apropos of this contest, an Invite Gourmet Variety Pack consisting of souvenir bags of chocolates labeled Canadian Beaver Poop (donated by Jonathan Hardis during our Niagara Falls Loserfest trip), Ohio Cow Poop and Cincinnati Pig Poop (both given us long ago by Duncan Stevens) as well as a tin of Alien Poop Mints from Elden Carnahan.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Jest of Drawers" was submitted by both Jon Gearhart and Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Aug. 25, at wapo.st/conv1503.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Jest of Drawers: Inking cartoon captions from Week 1499

Week 1499 provided yet another opportunity to attach ridiculous captions to even ridiculouser Bob Staake cartoons. Among the 1,300 entries the Empress waded through, dozens mentioned "bear necessities" for Picture 2, and many others told Yogi or Smokey that he wasn't in "a bear market." The top four captions are listed under their respective cartoons.

Third place: "And how would you like us to arrange your flight: overbooked or canceled?" (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

"Perhaps you meant to say 'a ticket to Pittsburgh,' Reverend Spooner." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

"I'm sorry, but Viking Cruises does not offer a 'steerage' option." (Jonathan Jensen)

"Ah, yes, the Perth Amboy poster. Let's just say, the Northern New Jersey Tourism Council made me an offer I couldn't refuse." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

"Actually, Mr. Greenblatt, I don't think shoving money up your nose is the best way to avoid pickpockets." (Ward Foeller, Charlottesville, Va.)

"I'm afraid that given the dimensions of your nose, you'll also have to reserve the seat in front of you." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

"For people who've already turned green, Perth Amboy might be lovely!" (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.)

"Yes, I'm sure the nose plug filters are efficient, but they still want you to wear a mask." (Daniel Jarrell, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender)

"Why, yes, we do offer time travel back to when offices had no computer screens." (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

"Honestly, I don't know how the rest of my head stays attached, either." (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

"You've seen London? You've seen France? Then I'm afraid the 'Netherlands' are off-limits to you, sir." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

He'd hoped to get out of the country to avoid the subpoena, but Rudy's fake mustache didn't fool anyone. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

In the spring of 1945, a travel agent booked passage to Argentina for one "Adolfo Schicklgruber," who was never seen again. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Fourth place: "What do you mean you 'overhibernated'? Now get to work!" (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

"Even if you're smarter than the average bear, it's pretty dumb to forget your wallet." (Jonathan Jensen)

"Ryan, how many times have I told you that your mascot costume scares the customers!" (Jeff Lubbers, Takoma Park, Md.)

"For the last time, buddy, you're gonna hafta use Cottonelle!" (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.; Lani Jacobson, Herndon, Va.)

"It's in the back and on the right * but I thought you guys went in the woods *" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

"Him? We don't talk about Bruno. No, no, no." (Duncan Stevens)

"Can't you read? This lane is for shoppers with FIVE items!" (Cheryl Gracey, Winchester, Va., a First Offender; Steve Smith)

Second place and the Lactation Cookie Bites: "Mom, if I have to run down here every time your screen freezes, I'm going to flunk gym class." (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.)

"I sent the file labeled 'Fake Electors' to the 'Electors' folder, and the 'Fake Fake Electors' to the 'Really Fake Electors' file, but then it all got a little confused *" (Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.)

"All I did was ask about your enhanced proxy-layered security protocols and you look at me like I've got two heads." (Jonathan Jensen)

"So basically, in Windows 11, you can do all of the same things but they're all located in different places. No, I don't know why, either." (Maier Schreiber, Jerusalem, a First Offender)

"Whose password is thisplacesucks123?" (Carol Lasky, Boston)

"Done. Now he'll be a panda on his next Zoom call." (Robert Welch, Atlanta, a First Offender)

"See? Every time I click, the desk gets a little shorter." (Chris Parkin, Silver Spring)

"There's your problem. No Pokemon power can evolve a Squirtle to a Jigglypuff." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

"Control-Alt-Delete never seems to work on illegal stuff." (Mel Simoneau, Gatineau, Quebec, a First Offender)

"Yeah, so, I don't know what it means for a CPA, but online? Whenever you see 'Rule 34' you're gonna wanna click this little red X right here." (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.)

"The Empress says only 25 entries, so I use lots of email addresses and pretend my house is an apartment building." (Sam Mertens)

The winner of the Clowning Achievement: "Well, he did ask if he could take our order." (Carol Lasky, Boston)

"Will you make me the happiest man in the world and pick up the check?" (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

"The owner is really named Chester, but he thought it sounded classier in French." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

"I thought you said you loved cats!" (Lynne Larkin)

"I hear it's impolite to call a French waiter 'garcon.' The preferred term is 'skippy.' " (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

How did I know what "couilles de mouton" were? (Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.)

"Just because I voted to strip away your bodily autonomy doesn't mean we can't make this work!" (Donald Norum)

"Maybe I shouldn't ask this on a first date, but has anyone ever told you you have a nose like a heron's beak and your legs are two different colors?" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

"Salome, I asked you to help me get 'ahead with my boss!' " (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

"Don't let on that I'm The Post's ood-fay itic-cray!" (Gary Crockett)

Emma later told Date Lab she appreciated James's "well-groomed nostrils." (Steve Smith)

Still running -- deadline Monday night, Aug. 29: Our contest for limericks featuring a word or name beginning with "hi-." See wapo.st/invite1502.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Winner:(Carol Lasky)
Second:(Allan Zackowitz)
Third:(Sam Mertens)
Fourth:(Michael Stein)
Idea:(Mark Raffman; Marcus Bales)
Examples:()
Title:(Jon Gearhart; Chris Doyle)
Subhead:(Barbara Turner; Jeff Contompasis)
Prize:(Jonathan Hardis; Duncan Stevens; Elden Carnahan)
Alias:H:Lynne Larkin:Lynne "Vero Beach" Larkin
Alias:H:Lynne Larkin:Lynne "Vero Beach" Larkin
Notes:M:Barbara Turner:Print only
Notes:M:Jeff Contompasis:Print only
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1502: It's Hi- time for Limerixicon XIX
Write a limerick featuring a word or name beginning with 'hi-.' Plus winning poems that misuse words.

By Pat Myers

August 18, 2022 at 9:31 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to the poems with misused words

My doorman will never say HI.
He won't even look in my eye.
Why's he wishing me dead?
Was it something I said?
(Hm, my anti-tip stance could be why ...)

As we have every August since 2004, when his life's work was a wee little dictionary-baby, we check in once again with limerick impresario Chris Strolin and his quest to create a full English dictionary with every entry in limerick form, one letter at a time. With more than 115,000 five-liners, from thousands of writers, approved for inclusion, Chris currently estimates the finish date for OEDILF.com at Nov. 3, 2063 (a couple of years from last year's projection). And for the third year running, our 19th sliver of the dictionary is still in the H's. This week: Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly featuring any word, name or term beginning with "hi-," as in the example above by Our Bob Staake, who's been taking it upon himself to contribute the zamples these days. By "significantly," we mean that "him" or "his" won't count as the word unless your limerick focused on that word -- if it were about gender, or using pronouns, for example.

Please see our guide "Get Your 'Rick Rolling" for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter (in a nutshell: "perfect" rhyme, and a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm within Lines 1, 2 and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; extra unaccented syllables on either side are fine). Read the example above out loud, with big accents on the accented syllables, and you'll see what we mean. See OEDILF.com about submitting limericks there, if you like, after this contest is over.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1502 (no capitals in the web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 29; results appear Sept. 18 in print, Sept. 15 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the handsome new book "The Museum of Bad Art: Masterworks," which celebrates, with art-scholarly descriptions, some truly, um, memorable creations, such as "Mana Lisa" pictured here. Donated by Edward Gordon. (See this week's Style Conversational for the Invite's own World's Worst Painting.)

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Bardy Har Har" is by Jesse Frankovich; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1502.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Bardy har har: Misused-word poems from Week 1498

In Week 1498 we asked for poems in which a word is used with a meaning it doesn't really have -- like "literary" describing someone who litters. In some poems below, the word works both with the faux meaning and the real one, like "flagellate" to hit with a flag.

4th place:

Betsy Ross, when she sewed those few yards,
Never dreamed it would be in the cards
That her stripes and bright stars
Would be used to give scars
And to flagellate Capitol guards. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

3rd place:

Hadn't seen or heard from my daughter dear,
Nor on social media, for nearly a year,
So her post of a baby hit with a bam -
Just like that, voila! I'm an instagram! (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

2nd place

and the desktop woodpecker toy:

At cursing, I'm not slow,
I answer to the call:
Six languages I know --
I'm effluent in all! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Just think: If at our nation's birth
The views of QAnon abounded,
We'd have to teach our children how
Our country was dumbfounded. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)

English muffin': Honorable mentions

I caught a whiff of peppermint
Or was it wintergreen?
Coming from the piggy bank
I gave my daughter Jean.
"What are Altoids doing here
Inside your piggy, honey?"
"Don't you see," she grinned and said,
"I'm minting my own money." (Fran Ludman, Baltimore)

Queer animals? What a surprise!
Who knew how a bird or beast yearns?
But musing I soon realize
I don't know just how one discerns
If birds on the beach are two guys
Or hetero mating cisterns. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

When Clapton* played the sitar, he was awful, nothing less.
The notes he played all seemed to come out wrong.
The strings were tuned improperly, his picking was a mess.
He couldn't get the tempo of the song.
His teacher said, "My ears can't take another second of this racket,
Your playing is abysmal, I'm not bluffin'.
Go back to playing blues, because the sitar, you can't hack it,
I beg you, sir, to quit the raga-muffin'." (Mark Raffman)

The bride-to-be, distraught and sad,
Lamenting her father's estrangement,
To walk the aisle, put out an ad,
To seek a Pa-rental arrangement. (Mark Raffman)

Cucumbers crunchy,
Celery munchy,
Pass the asparagus, carrots and peas!
I'm not that cool
With the kids at my school,
But I think it's rad-ish to eat what you please. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Captain thought the coast was clear;
First mate thought the same.
When the torpedo hit the ship
Subconscious they became. (Tom Rymsza, Chambersburg, Pa., a First Offender)

The puppy ate my Visa bill
Before I'd read a word.
Consequently, I can't say
What charges were incurred. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)

In selecting the hit man to whack Jimmy Hoffa,
The Mafia don chose his very best offer. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

My problem with comedians
Whose schtick is more slapstick than subtle
Is when they are done, if I LMAO,
Then I have to leave time for rebuttal. (Bob Kruger)

The cruise ship's crew was loath to speak
When a voyage was aborted.
Truth is, the ship had sprung a leak.
Clearly, it had to be reported. (John Glenn)

I know a guy from Baltimore
Who throws his trash right on the floor.
When driving, either near or far,
He chucks his empties from the car.
It's very plain to see: this man
Has no use for a garbage can.
He's messy, selfish, thoughtless, rude;
He's quite a literary dude! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Here's a novel production I've planned:
"Mr. Ed" on the stage! Could be grand!
But we'll need a good start,
So the star learns his part,
Or this horseplay could get out of hand.* (Mark Raffman)

The rabbit was trying to quiet its breath
To avoid a swift, toothy and scarlet-furred death
(The foxes are hunting today).
It poised, tensed, on the landscape of shelterless rocks,
While there, close beside, the still unseeing fox
Was only a hare's-breath away. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee, Fla.)

The Chinese leader's book of quotes
Is, unlike Mao's, not red.
Instead, it's titled cleverly;
It reads: "That's What Xi Said." (Kevin Ahern, Corvallis, Ore.)

I got a second mortgage from my local Utah bank.
They lent me twenty thousand that I turned around and sank
Into the finest cheese shop that my city's ever known --
Something I could not have done without that Provolone. (Chris Doyle)

They'd munched the Tree of Knowledge food,
Said Eve and Adam, "Whoa, we're nude!"
They gave their loins discreet fig-leafing--
The very first to get a briefing. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

I still can recall how I shuddered and shivered
As they asked me, "Delivered?" when I placed my call.
I answered, "Of course I want pizza delivered -
But why would you put liver on it at all?" (Marcus Bales, Elyria, Ohio)

When I was a babe in my high chair
Getting fed, a bad habit I had
They said I would always spit out all the fruit
All over my dear old Dad.
And that's why he fed me outside,
So the carpet he'd not need to guard;
My brother still swears that the day that Dad died,
I berried him in the backyard. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

When I asked my coworker, solicitous,
"Would you like me to help?" "That's felicitous,"
She replied somewhat greedily,
"Copy all of these, speedily!"
Then I saw she was being duplicitous. (Frank Osen)

The former prez, with snarling face,
Said, "Who would bother trying?
The press can't shake my foil-hat base,
Which laps up my relying." (Mark Raffman)
*
When you don't know if someone's "hello" was for you
There's a widely used trick that can save
You both from embarrassment; barely respond
With an easily missed microwave. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)

All men, as they age, amass midsection fat
(A beer belly, to be less formal).
You won't catch me crunching to sculpt my obliques -
I'm happy just being abnormal. (Bob Kruger)

Higgledy-piggledy,
Bakery customer:
Ate lots of rye bread to
Free him from needs.
Later he queried so
Misunderstandingly:
"Shouldn't they work, all those
Caraway seeds?" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Wailed the drug mule, "This looks like goodbye!"
The gang told him he'd have to comply;
"Hide that much--how and where?"
They said, "Trust us, we swear,
This is nothing you can't rectify." (Frank Osen)

Look, shiftless Joe's pushed out the door;
They've sent him off to join the Corps.
"Make him a leatherneck!" wrote Dad.
"I hope you'll Marinate this lad." (Duncan Stevens)

Can it save precious space? Yes, it's able
But your meals might be slightly unstable
When it comes time to sup
Just hold on to your cup
While I pump up your new InflaTable. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

If anything falls onto or disrupts a power line,
The company's new switches will help us do just fine.
The power will shut off so there cannot be a spark.
Instead of wildfires, folks will just be in the dark.
Entire towns and neighborhoods need not be affrighted
They may complain of lack of power, but they'll safely be delighted. (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.)

I hear there's a new Galaxy phone;
They claim it ranks a 10.
But I just saw it and I'm afraid
It's the Samsung all over again. (Kevin Ahern)

Every day on my company's shuttle
We share some hash brownies - a perk;
Heavy traffic is never a problem
When we're taking the highway to work. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

A feller once told me that pomes grow on trees.
He musta had some kinda mental disease!
I asked him, you mean like them pomes what is read?
He said yep! Feller ain't got a brain in his head! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Oh my meat-loving dad liked to curse,
And at dinner it sometimes got worse.
When raw veggies were served
I have often observed
That the crudites flew in free verse. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

If your tailor fights change
It will mean aggravations
When you come for a fitting
You'll get altercations. (Kevin Dopart)

Each morning, when I wake up, before putting on my makeup,
I stare into the mirror, and I groan.
For I'm looking at my preface, it's my "Woe! Oh Woe Is Me!" face,
And I hate that it's the only one I own.
There's no doubting the foundation for this feeling of deflation,
But I'm trying hard to battle my dismay.
I just slather on the cream, and resist the urge to scream,
As I brace myself to face another day. (Stephen Gold, London)

Still running -- deadline Monday night, Aug. 22: Our contest for unhelpful "acts of kindness. See wapo.st/invite1501.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Winner:()
Second:()
Third:()
Fourth:()
Idea:()
Examples:(Bob Staake)
Title:(Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead:(Tom Witte)
Prize:(Edward Gordon)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1501: Try a little 'kindness'
Tell us ways to be 'helpful' that, well, wouldn't be. Plus the winners of our what-if contest.

By Pat Myers

August 11, 2022 at 9:58 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to the "what-if" winners

This week's contest comes from recent First Offender Al Lubran, who'd come across, indirectly, an entertaining exchange on Reddit's CasualUK forum: Someone named GraharG posed this question: "Whenever I see a car with a ticket I chuck it in the bin so the driver doesn't have to pay," GraharG announced, then put it to their fellow Brits: "What act of kindness do you do for strangers?"

The Redditors immediately picked up the joke:

"When my neighbours put their bin out in the evening I take them straight back in for them before morning, so they don't get stolen in the night," confided Mirrorshade5.

"Whenever there's a meeting on a Friday afternoon, I like to ask lots of questions at the end so no one else feels embarrassed about the stony silence," FlibV1 chimed in.

You get it. This week: Tell about an "act of kindness" that you or someone else does that, well, won't be appreciated, as in the examples above. (We'll be speaking American, though.) They should be expressed as if you think the act is actually a good thing.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1501 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 22; results appear, urp, Sept. 11 in print, Sept. 8 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of high-quality men's socks imprinted with rows of tiny cartoon houses and the label "Head of the Household" -- with the word "butt" added above it, so you get "Butt Head of the Household." Ha ha! Presumably intended as a gag Father's Day gift. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar, whose feet have not touched them.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Wit-Ifs" is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1501.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Wit-ifs: Winning wondering from Week 1497

Our Week 1497 contest was as wide open as you could get. It was simply "What if" something had happened that hadn't, or were happening that hadn't been, or might (but probably not) happen in the future.

4th place:

If polygamy were still the prevailing family structure, insults would have to be much more specific: "Yo Third Mama, the one with the red hair who doesn't wear glasses, is so fat that, uh, I forget where I was going with this *" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

3rd place:

What if the cellphone had never been invented? I guess we'd all just be staring at our hands a lot. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

2nd place

and the winner of the ridiculously small men's swimsuit:

What if no one had invented the question mark. (Frank Mann, Washington)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

What if I had married my high school sweetheart? Well, by now, I'd probably be charged with bigamy. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

The if-raff: Honorable mentions

What if all peppercorns were white? My beard would be described as "salt-with-black-hairs-in-it." (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

What if Mark Meadows had hired a young man to be his White House aide? For one, there'd still be ketchup on the wall. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

If a Greek messenger had run 26.2 miles after the Battle of Salamis, people today would be holding walkalamis, telelamis, readalamis * (Duncan Stevens)

If discount retailers adopted cryptocurrency, would there be a .00004457 Bitcoin Tree? (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)

What if sharks could vocalize like whales? They would go ahead and do that "Jaws" music themselves. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Fifty years after the Revolutionary War, what if Americans still loyal to the crown erected statues of British Redcoat generals in their town squares? Nothing would have happened until another hundred years after that, when someone would say, "Um, weren't they the tyrants?" and then a new war would start over whether to remove the statues. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

If Earth had two moons, men would have twice as many reasons to blame women for everything. (Sarah Walsh)

If humans regulated body temperature by panting like dogs, Winston Churchill would have had nothing to offer but "blood, toil, tears and drool." (Duncan Stevens)

If John Cage had been fond of Chopin, he would have sat at the piano and not played the "Minute" Waltz 41/2 times. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

If Marco Polo had never traveled the Silk Road, kids at the pool would be yelling the names of other explorers, like "Andrew! Longjumeau!" or "Albert! Von le Coq!" (Duncan Stevens)

If Moses hadn't led the people of Israel through the Red Sea, Marjorie Taylor Greene would be concerned about Hittite space lasers. (Duncan Stevens)

If O.J. had behaved himself, we never would have met the Kardashians. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

If the Lord had found another five or six righteous residents, Sodom and Gomorrah would have been spared, and Lot's wife would not have spent the next few millennia on the rim of a margarita glass. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

If the selfie had never been invented, people would have to find some other reason to walk backward over cliffs. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

What if a cabal of politicians who are cannibalistic, Satan-worshiping pedophiles were running a global child sex-trafficking ring out of a D.C. pizzeria? Madison Cawthorn would claim he'd been invited to join. (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.)

What if all cars came with turn signals? Wait -- they all do? Then where's yours? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

What if all the brokenhearted people living in the world agreed? They'd let it be. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

What if alternating-current inventor Nikola Tesla came forward in time and discovered that the cars named for him run on direct current? He'd be the first person to unfollow Elon Musk for nothing he said. (Michie March, Ellicott City, Md.)

What if before every airing of Tucker Carlson there was a warning: "This is complete BS"? Well, people still smoke cigarettes with the warning "Smoking causes cancer," so I guess nothing would change. (Drew Bennett)

What if covid spread by flatulence instead of from breathing? Republicans would demand the right to eat in restaurants with no pants and would call underwear a government conspiracy. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee)

What if Disney films had retained the gruesome violence of the original fairy tale plots? Boys would love princess movies: "It's my turn to be the stepsister and chop off my toes! You can be the bird and peck out my eyes. Then, I'll be Snow White and you be the queen and I'll torture you with burning red-hot iron shoes!" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

What if Donald Trump had been born into a family that wasn't rich? Donald who? (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

What if everyone in the world were offered $440 million to work for 15 years from March through October? Not a single person would reject that offer unless the person played for the Washington Nationals. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

What if George Washington had really stood up in that boat crossing the Delaware River and he fell in and drowned? This contest would be in The Cornwallis Post. (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg, Md.)

What if Google didn't exist? People would return to less invasive methods of investigating prospective romantic partners, like sifting through their trash. (Karen Lambert)

What if helium were heavier than air? An amorous guy could pop a balloon, inhale, and sound like Barry White. (Sarah Walsh)

What if humans could hear the same frequencies as dogs? Then we'd need to say things like "Rubio's tweet about the 'Soros backed prosecutors' was clearly an anti-Semitic mousewhistle." (Duncan Stevens)

What if kids came with an instruction manual? My luck, it would be from Ikea. (Aaron Olszewski, Silver Spring, Md.)

What if Thanos hadn't snapped his fingers in "Avengers: Infinity War"? Then we'd really have a shortage of baby formula. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

What if Lord Voldemort ran for president? Not a single Republican would ask to see his birth certificate. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

What if Michael Jordan ran an airline? It'd also be called Air Jordan, and the cheapest ticket would cost $10,000. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

What if Mike Pence runs for president in 2024? You'd definitely want to buy stock in a magnetometer company. (Steve Smith)

What if Neil Young's band were all Jewish? It would be called Meshuggeneh Horse. (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.)

What if other businesses gave out samples like grocery stores? We'd all line up for them at banks and casinos but not so much in STD clinics. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

What if people had bark for skin? Couples could keep the fire in their relationship just by rubbing together. (Jon Gearhart)

What if pigs could fly? The carwash and umbrella industries would boom! (Dave Airozo; Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.)

What if Stephen King had written "A Visit From St. Nicholas"? It would have opened, "'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro' the house/Not a creature was stirring, 'cept an ax-murdering spouse *" (Jeff Contompasis)

What if the NRA ran a dental office? They'd teach kids that candy doesn't cause cavities -- kids cause cavities. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

What if climate change forces us all to move to the moon? Democracy will live on. Well, at least on the near side. (Steve Smith)

If Jeff Bezos had not purchased The Washington Post, then every day it would run disclaimers saying, "Jeff Bezos, who founded Amazon, has no interest in The Washington Post." (Allan Grady, Fredericksburg, Va.)

And Last: What if I had a time machine? I would fast-forward a couple of weeks to see what the winner is in this contest, and send it as my own entry. So, yeah, I guess I really don't deserve a time machine. (Tom Witte, who's entered virtually every Style Invitational contest since Week 7)

Still running -- deadline Monday night, Aug. 15: Our contest for new words whose letters add to 15 Scrabble points. See wapo.st/invite1500.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:(Al Lubran)
Examples:()
Title:(Chris Doyle)
Subhead:(Jesse Frankovich)
Prize:(Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1500: These go to 15
Coin a new word or phrase whose letters add to 15 Scrabble points (no blanks!). Plus compare/contrast winners.

By Pat Myers

August 4, 2022 at 10:14 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to the winners of our latest compare/contrast contest

PIZA (3 + 1 + 10 + 1): What you get when the Domino's guy tipped over his bag on the way to your house.

ZOOB: A co-worker who doesn't get videoconference etiquette. "And then he took over the screen just to show he'd solved today's Wordle in 3! What a zoob."

CAFFOON: Someone who's constantly spilling the coffee or leaving the pot on too long.

UNCAWTH: What it is when you don't invite your colleagues to your cocaine orgies.

Astonishingly, The Washington Post has seen fit to publish 1,500 weeks of The Style Invitational -- which means the Empress is 98 weeks more astonished than when she ran this same sort of contest for Week 1402. This week: Make up a word or phrase whose Scrabble letter values add up to exactly 15 (no blanks!) and define it, as in the examples above; "Piza" is by Our Own Bob Staake, and the rest are from Invite Obsessive Duncan Stevens, who rightly figured that the E had totally forgotten Week 1402. Your single word may not be eligible for English-language Scrabble; to check, just type in the word at scrabble.merriam.com to make sure it's not valid. As with all our neologism contests, you're welcome to use your word in a funny sentence to make your entry funnier, and you are not welcome to use your word in one that doesn't. And remember, we're not playing Scrabble, so feel free to, say, use three B's even though there are only two in a Scrabble set, and it doesn't matter if your long word would end up on two double-point squares on the board. Just count the points, okay?

Scrabble letter values:
1 point: A, E, I, O, U, L, N, S, T, R
2 points: D, G
3 points: B, C, M, P
4 points: F, H, V, W, Y
5 points: K
8 points: J, X
10 points: Q, Z

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1500 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 15; results appear Sept. 4 in print, Sept. 1 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of sturdy bright blue coat hooks in a handsome dog butt motif; we believe they're from the wags at Ikea. Donated by Loser Daphne Steinberg.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Yuxtapositions" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Aug. 4, at wapo.st/conv1500.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Yuxtapositions: Compare/contrast ink from Week 1496

Week 1496 was the latest installment of our contest in which the Empress posts a list of wacky items and the Losers say what's similar or different about any two (or more). Numerous entries noted that 8 percent inflation and a banned book both result in high interest.

4th place:

The recurring exam dream is like 8 percent inflation: Both might culminate in a failed midterm. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

3rd place:

8 percent inflation and six Supreme Court justices: Things wouldn't be so bad if we could just get it down to three or four. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.)

2nd place

and the pack of Face Coasters:

A hypersonic missile and six Supreme Court justices: Look what I have in my pocket! -- D.J.T., Mar-a-Lago, Fla. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

A hypersonic missile vs. a banned book: You can open-carry the missile in Texas. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Shame difference: Honorable mentions

A flushable wipe and six Supreme Court justices: They're both up in my business. (Deb Stewart, Damascus)

Six Supreme Court justices vs. a worn-out toothbrush: Only the justices will control your cavities. (Kevin Dopart)

How is Elon Musk like six Supreme Court justices? Opposes all regulations, reneges on his promise, thinks he knows what's best for everyone, dresses all in black * hell, might as well give him a robe. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

A flushable wipe and a romance novel: They both bring a flush to the cheeks! (Katherine Schaepman, Locust Grove, Va., a First Offender)

A banned book vs. a romance novel: At a D.C. bookstore, you ask for one of these in a whisper while looking over your shoulder, and the other is part of a giant "read a banned book" display. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Cat hair and a romance novel: Lots of nasty stuff on the furniture. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

8 percent inflation and Old Bay: They've both been added lately to every item in the grocery store. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

A magnetometer can detect the presence of a gun in the lobby. Six Supreme Court justices are a present to the gun lobby. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

A magnetometer and six Supreme Court justices: Both are out to monitor what's in your pants. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)

A romance novel vs. the LIV golf tour: In the novel, a traveling man gives his heart; in the other, he sells his soul. (Frank Mann, Washington)

A period-tracking app: Think "Mrs. Flo." A banned book: Think "Mr. Fla." (Kevin Dopart)

A terrible SNL sketch: "Did they really have to go there?" Being back at the office: "Did I really have to come here?" (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Six Supreme Court justices vs. 8 percent inflation: With the first, it's bye-bye Roe; with the second, bye-bye Joe. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

How are six Supreme Court justices like flushable wipes * Hey, has anybody seen my copy of the Constitution? (John Amberg, Alexandria, Va.)

Six Supreme Court justices vs. 8 percent inflation: The first did away with precedent; the second may do away with a president. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

The recurring exam dream and six Supreme Court justices: Both have taken many of us back over 50 years. (Chris Doyle)

A magnetometer vs. six Supreme Court justices: A magnetometer will stop a bad guy with a gun. (Karen Lambert; Kevin Dopart)

A hypersonic missile and the LIV golf tour: One is a costly project for ICBMs and the other is a costly project for icy MBS. (Gregory Huyck, Frederick, Md.)

In a romance novel, nobody suffers from 8 percent inflation. (Aaron Olszewski, Silver Spring, Md.)

A romance novel vs. cat hair: One involves mattresses and the other involves cat tresses. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Being back at the office vs. Elon Musk In one, you're a bitter sitter; the other's a Twitter quitter. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)

A banned book and a period-tracking app: The app contains material that the State of Mississippi would find valuable. (Mark Raffman)

A banned book: Likely to be forbidden; Six Supreme Court Justices: Unlikely to be for Biden. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Cat hair and borscht are tied for the two worst aspects of finding cat hair in your borscht. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee, Fla.)

Cat hair is like a worn-out toothbrush in that it's been in my mouth way too much. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

8 percent inflation and being back at the office: Yea, we're all getting 8 percent raises! * Aren't we? Hello? (Pam Shermeyer)

8 percent inflation can make your money worthless; a period-tracking app can keep your honey birthless. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

A hypersonic missile vs. a terrible SNL sketch: Both end with a bomb, but the sketch takes forever to get there. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring)

Being back at the office vs. a period-tracking app: Some folks eagerly count the days until the office holiday party; some folks nervously count the days after it. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Being back at the office is like a worn-out toothbrush: It's not so bad when you're used to it, but coming back to it after two years? Gross. (Michie March, Ellicott City, Md. a First Offender)

Being back at the office vs. the recurring exam dream: In both cases you're baffled and have no idea what you're doing there, but in the dream you're more prepared. (Karen Lambert)

A period-tracking app and a flushable wipe: If you don't use the former, you may soon be using more of the latter. (Frank Osen)

A period-tracking app and six Supreme Court justices: Women everywhere are counting the days until their next wave of pain. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

A terrible SNL sketch and being back at the office. Lots of bad jokes, forced laughter and getting up to go to the bathroom. And the SNL sketch isn't much better. (Frank Mann)

A worn-out toothbrush: The bristles overused. Cat hair: The Bissell's overused. (Chris Doyle)

A flushable wipe vs. borscht: One can clog your pipes, the other can clog your pipes. (Pam Shermeyer)

8 percent inflation: What you've earned is worth less. A Style Invitational second prize: What you've earned is worthless. (Jesse Frankovich)

8 percent inflation keeps people from running amok at the mall; a magnetometer keeps people from running amok on the Mall. (Karen Lambert)

Cat hair and Old Bay: I'd rather season my food with the former. -- G. Weingarten, Washington (Jeff Contompasis)

A worn-out toothbrush and a Style Invitational second prize: There's a market on eBay for the toothbrush. (Mike Gips, Bethesda; Leif Picoult)

A Style Invitational second prize: Alas, you got beat. Borscht: Alas, you got beet. (Jesse Frankovich)

A flushable wipe vs. a Style Invitational second prize: The wipe was designed to be to be flushed down a toilet. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

The recurring exam dream, a hypersonic missile, 8 percent inflation, Elon Musk, and six Supreme Court Justices: The first is the only nightmare on the list that you can wake up from. (Michael Stein, Arlington)

A romance novel: Naughty. Elon Musk: Haughty. The LIV golf tour: Saudi. A flushable wipe: Potty. A Style Invitational second-place prize: Shoddy (and potty). (Jesse Frankovich)

Still running -- deadline Monday night, Aug. 8: Our caption contest for any of four Bob Staake cartoons. See wapo.st/invite1499.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:(Duncan Stevens)
Examples:(Bob Staake; Duncan Stevens; Duncan Stevens; Duncan Stevens)
Title:(Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead:(Jeff Contompasis)
Prize:(Daphne Steinberg)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1499: Picture This, a cartoon caption contest
Plus never-before-seen extra ink from five previous contests

By Pat Myers

July 28, 2022 at 8:00 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to more inking entries from several previous contests

Recidivist Losers, you know the drill. Brand-new Invitees, I bet you can figure it out. In our umpteenth (give or take a teenth) Bob Staake cartoon caption contest: Write a caption, either descriptive or in dialogue, for any of the cartoons above, up to a total of 25 entries.

So you won't harsh the Empress's post-vacation mellow, please format your entries like this: Begin each entry with "Picture 1:," "Picture 2:," etc. (no, not with the quotation marks, silly), then follow it on the same line with your caption. This will let the E click on "Sort" to put all the Picture 1s (Pictures 1?) together, and your entry won't end up in two pieces on two different pages.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1499 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 8; results appear Aug. 28 in print, Aug. 25 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two small bags of Lactation Cookie Bites, which contain - no, not breast milk (or even udder milk) - "ingredients traditionally used to support breast milk," which seem to be oatmeal, flaxseed and brewer's yeast. Donated by Jeff Contompasis, who has never had lactation difficulty.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Our Yuks Runneth Over" is by Eric Murphy; I solicited the headline in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. Sign up for the Devotees at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational, the Empress's weekly online column, will return next week.

And from various recent contests ...

Our yuks runneth over: Bonus ink from recent contests

So the Empress could take a few days' vacation -- she and the Royal Consort went up to Niagara Falls to join a dozen or so Invite-types at this year's Loserfest -- there was no Week 1495 contest four weeks ago. Instead, here's a sampling of more ink from five recent contests.

From Week 1489: Rearrange the words in a movie title

A Desire Named Streetcar: This tense political thriller follows the D.C. Council as planners seek approval to extend the H Street line once it stops crashing into things. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.)

A Kill to a View: A family road trip is spoiled by their teenage son's repeated photobombing. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

French the Connection: The tragic tale of the brief apprenticeship of a young electrician. (Marty Gold, Arlington, Va.)

Kind Encounters of the Close Third: Edged out by a tenth of a second, the bronze-medal relay team is invited by friendly rivals to share the second podium. (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.)

Look Up "Don't": A Merriam-Webster editor tells her boyfriend what she thinks of his planned bachelor weekend in Vegas. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Penguins of the March: A raucous group of partiers dress up as nuns and crash New York's St. Patrick's Day Parade. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

From Week 1490, song parodies about the news

Two songs "sung" by Vladimir Putin, both set to "If I Only Had a Brain" from "The Wizard of Oz"
From Lviv to Mariupol,
I wouldn't have a scruple,
The people I'd "retrain;"
And there'd be no discussion,
'Less, of course, they're speaking Russian,
If I only had Ukraine.

This projection of my power
Would make the Baltics cower,
While NATO goes insane,
And in Finland and Sweden,
They'd see who'd be next for bleedin'
If I only had Ukraine.

Oh I can't tell you why, we're not running up the score,
It should have a pretty little war,
But we've been stopped -- and stopped some more.

With my mercenaries Chechen,
I'd silence all the kvetchin'
With none left to complain.
My next moves I'd be plottin'
While my friends go back to yachtin'
If I only had Ukraine. (Mark Raffman)

II. I'll erase each Euro border
To make a new world order,
Where I alone will reign.
Then the troops I'm stackin' inland
Will begin attackin' Finland
Once I subjugate Ukraine.

First I need to show Zelensky
That there's no common-sense-ky
To savin' his domain.
I'll be leavin' him a mess o'
New cadavers in Odessa
All resistance is in vain!

Oh, I have nukes galore,
So many more in store.
I could wage a war like never waged before,
But here's a fear I can't ignore:

Russian poets might be pennin'
More odes to me than Lenin
While the obit scribes explain:
"Putin should've been suspicious
Drinking black tea that delicious,
But he didn't have a brain!"
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

From Week 1491: Add a letter to a word or phrase beginning A-E

Abysmale: Your doofus brother-in-law. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Charmeleon: Someone who can enchant Tucker Carlson and, five minutes later, Rachel Maddow. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Carvity: The mysteriously-located repository for lost change, lipsticks and receipts; it comes as standard equipment in every vehicle. (Karen Lambert)

Ceremoney: What the wedding planner looks forward to. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.)

Cutebacks: To conserve our nation's saccharin supply, romcoms henceforth will have only "meet normal" scenes. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Calendare: "I bet you can't remember what day our anniversary is." (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.)

From Week 1492: Conservative-leaning humor

What's the difference between a conservative and a liberal? A: a conservative believes in the school of life; a liberal believes in spending one's life in school. (Karen Lambert)

What do you call a liberal who has just received a large inheritance? A conservative. (Keith Ord, Potomac, Md.)

What happens when an Ivy League college brings together all its moderate and conservative employees? They say hi, finish their janitorial work and head home for the day. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

From Week 1493: Feghoots -- mini-stories ending in groaner puns

When the Israelites were led out of Egypt and into the desert, they became quite hungry. So God provided manna in the wilderness, and the wanderers ate their fill. In fact, one Israelite ate too much and became ill. The leader asked him what was wrong, and the man groaned, "Everything's coming up, Moses." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

At dinner parties, the scientist Alexander Fleming loved to tell his guests about how he discovered penicillin in 1928. His wife, of course, had heard the tale a million times. So whenever he launched into it yet again, she'd roll her eyes and say, "Here we go again... it's always the same mold story." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

The thieves were getting brazen at our little Dodge truck repair shop, stealing wheels, catalytic converters and sound systems. And we just didn't have the money for a security system or a bigger fence. So we rotated guard duty: All through the night o'er the Ram parts we watched. (Al Lubran, Rockville, Md., a First Offender)

Still running -- deadline Monday night, Aug. 1: Our contest to write a funny poem that misuses a word, like using "debunk" to mean take down a bunk bed. See wapo.st/invite1498.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:()
Examples:()
Title:(Eric Murphy)
Subhead:()
Prize:(Jeff Contompasis)
1489HM:(Hannah Seidel; Eric Nelkin; Marty Gold; Susan Geariety; Mark Raffman; Jon Gearhart)
1490HM:(Mark Raffman; Chris Doyle)
1491HM:(Roger Dalrymple; Karen Lambert; Karen Lambert; Jerry Birchmore; Gary Crockett; Diane Lucitt)
1492HM:(Karen Lambert; Keith Ord; Duncan Stevens)
1493HM:(Beverly Sharp; Jesse Frankovich; Al Lubran)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1498: Vs. is for verses
Misuse a word in a funny poem. Plus winners of our contest for poems using spelling bee words (correctly).

By Pat Myers

July 21, 2022 at 9:54 a.m. EDT

(Click here to skip down to the winning poems featuring words from this year's National Spelling Bee.)

My kids used to sleep on stacked single beds, While they dreamed and rested their sweet little heads. But they brought in the noise and brought in the funk, So now I'm afraid it is time to debunk.

For the contest that produced today's results -- poems using spelling bee words -- the Empress required that the words be used with their true meanings. But it's just the opposite for this week's poetry contest, at the suggestion of Loser Sarah Walsh: Write a short (eight lines or fewer), humorous poem that uses one or more words -- any words you choose -- in other than their actual meanings, as in the pun on "debunk" in Sarah's own example.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1498 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 1; results appear Aug. 21 in print, Aug. 18 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an adorable woodpecker toy: It's a little wooden bird that you lift to the top of an 18-inch pole and set in motion as it peck-peck-pecks down to the bottom, fluttering its little feather. It's really too sweet to be a Loser prize, but Loser Dave Prevar gave it to us.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "For the Rhyme, Beeing" is by Steve Smith; the honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Jeff Rackow. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, July 21, at wapo.st/conv1498.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

For the rhyme, beeing: Spelling bee poems from Week 1494

In Week 1494 we once again asked our Loserbards to write poems using words from this year's National Spelling Bee. Maybe these results will add some variety to Google searches on the words -- which in many cases amount to nothing but dictionary listings. (Some of the less arcane ones are from the bee's vocabulary rounds.)

4th place:

Brose, a Scottish dish made by pouring boiling water over oats
When making brose, Miss MacLehose
Is apt to add malt whisky.
It gives her zest, warms up her chest,
And keeps her feeling frisky.
Good sense may say don't start the day
By going on a bender.
But don't condemn poor wee Miss M
A cereal offender.
(Stephen Gold, London, formerly of Scotland)

3rd place:

Toquilla (to-KEY-uh), a leaf fiber used to make panama hats
"Where's my booze?" growled a tourist named Jim
As a hat was presented to him.
"I am sorry, senor,
Did you not ask me for
'Pure toquilla, right up to the brim'?"
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

2nd place

and the toy bedbug:

Coryza (co-RY-za), a head cold
If you think a pandemic is just a coryza
Your future's secure as a MAGA advyza.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Chimichurri, a green sauce used in Latin American cuisine
A funny-tasting chimichurri taco from a Taco Bell
Along a highway in Missouri brought me to E. coli hell:
A restroom filled with puking men where not a single stall was free.
Does misery love company? So people say, but hey, not me.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Bee-sides: Honorable mentions

Brose (II)
While backpacking through Scotland, a rich obnoxious fop
Had run out of his trail mix, so he went into a shop.
The keeper boiled water and he poured it over top
Of plain, unsweetened oatmeal and the tourist flipped his mop.
"What's this rot supposed to be?" "It's brose; just let it sop
While you're hiking; it'll mix and you can eat it when you stop."
He bought some and then later, as he choked down every drop,
He learned a brose by any name is still a bag of slop!
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Brose (III)
Said the Edinburgh witch, "I suppose
Using college boys' fingers and toes
In my porridge of oats
Adds some tasty grace notes,
And I'll call it Fraternity Brose."
(Kevin Dopart)

Golilla (go-LEE-yuh), a ruff-like collar worn by Spanish officials in the Renaissance
A nonbeliever, Juan Garcia,
Fixates on the white golilla,
Knows the man's a magistrate,
And steels himself to learn his fate.
It's Torquemada, he's been told,
Who's here to damn him to perdition.
Sadly, no one -- young or old --
Expects the Spanish Inquisition.
(Chris Doyle)

Argillaceous (ar-gi-lacious), claylike
"He's dead, Jim," stated Bones, in direct, plain-spoken tones,
Which Enterprising crewfolk thought ungracious:
"This pronouncement, made so often -- can we find a way to soften?
"Say, 'Captain Kirk, our ensign's argillaceous.'"
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Dasypodid (da-SIP-odid), relating to armadillos
A dashing young dasypodid was setting out one day
To make his way across the road and pass the time away.
This armadillo hit a snag, so he did not get far;
He met his alter ego on the road: an armored car.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Dasypodid (II)
There once was a king who revered armadillos;
They featured in tapestries, portraits and pillows.
He wished that his knights for the battle would thirst,
But his "brave" cavaliers were, quite simply, The Worst.
On tournament day, to the king's great chagrin,
Each one left his hauberk behind at the inn.
Fed up and enraged, the king angrily chid,
"Wear your armor all day, like the dasypodid!"
(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Chorine (koreen), old-time chorus girl
A Parisian chorine can recall
Being cautioned: "No leaning, stand tall!
When you kick, stay erect
So your legs will project.
In the cancan, you can't cant at all!"
(Chris Doyle)

Cacoepy, mispronunciation (the word itself may be pronounced ka-CO-pee, as in the first poem below, or kaka-WEH-pee, as in the second)
While her name doesn't rhyme with "impala,"
Some, on purpose, will call her "ka-MAL-a."
Most regard that as dopey,
But the ploy of cacoepy
Sure makes many a MAGA type holla.
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Cacoepy (II)
You munch on "sherbert" or a "crape"?
Your blunders are horrific.
Mischieviously you excape!
Oh, I could get pacific.
"Your cacoepic point is mute!
Relax! It's Febyuary!"
You'll find me in the bridal suit
Committing harry-carry.
(Duncan Stevens)

Lipofuscin (lip-oh-FUSS-in), pigments found in internal cells, associated with aging
Is your hair going gray? Don't you fret.
It turns out that, the older you get,
As your cells turn to Jell-O,
Lipofuscin (brown-yellow)
Makes your insides more blond and brunette.
(Melissa Balmain)

Mercator projection: a world map that exaggerates the size of lands near the poles
My lawmaker colleagues, you see on this globe
How the ice caps have shrunk; a correction
Is urgently needed. Instead of a globe
We should use a Mercator projection.
(Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)

Ostreger, a keeper of goshawks
He's the one with a bird in the hand
Not the one with a head in the sand.
(Kevin Dopart)

Torrefaction, roasting with fire or intense heat
When I'm trying to style my hair
And my Airwrap breaks as the heat goes out
blowing nothing but lukewarm air
Flatt'ning out my thoroughly drenched Mohawk
As they laugh at me out on the boardwalk ...
I can't get no torrefaction
I can't get no frizz redaction
and I dry and I dry and I dry and I dry *.
(Frank Mann, Washington)

Pigsney (sweetheart)
"Pigsney" was the word the young man used,
But his girlfriend thought she'd been abused!
Though he meant to say "my darling pet,"
Did she misconstrue this word? You bet!
If you want her for your valentine,
Never choose a term evoking swine!
(Beverley Sharp)

Psephomancy (divination with pebbles)
"Granity-vanity,
Seer-phrenologist,
Show me a future that
Knocks off my socks!"
"Looked at your noggin all
Psephomance-atically;
I have divined that your
Head's full of rocks."
(Duncan Stevens)

Psephomancy (II)
A bunch of psephomantic seers
Who see themselves as modern rebels
Break from all their stodgy peers
To prophesy with Fruity Pebbles.
(Chris Doyle)

Favicon, an icon associated with a certain website
(After "The Second Coming" by William Butler Yeats)
Swiping and swiping on my doom-scrolling feed...
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity...
A favicon with bird body and the hue of the sky
Is spreading its slow lies, while all about it
Retweet quotes of their indignant followers...
And what rough hashtag, its hour come round at last
Slouches towards Buzzfeed to be born?
(Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.)

Rumbustical, boisterous and unruly
Rumbustical, the white men roared, and flowed
around the barricades, and beat the cops,
backing the blue against the walls, to goad
Congress to stop the "steal," pull out the stops,
throw out the votes, bend knees, bow down to force:
"legitimate political discourse."
(Donald Norum)

Splanchnicectomy (splank-ni-kectomy), dissection of intestinal nerves
Ballad of the Trump-Excuser Republican
He won't stand up to Trump; on hands he sits.
His head is found inside his rectum; he
Had guts and nerves once; now they've gone to bits.
Perhaps he had a splanchnicectomy.
(Duncan Stevens)

And Last: Oculogyric, relating to eye-rolling
Stylishly smilishly,
Wannabe humorists
Rattle off entries to
Poor progeny,
All of whom sigh and say,
Oculogyrically,
"Inking or not, you're a
Loser to me."
(Coleman Glenn)

And Even Laster: Empressement (ahm-press-MONT), demonstrative warmth or cordiality.
Many times we call things by their opposite.
In this contest, "Loser" comes to mind.
If we look hard, are there more examples?
Well, how are "empressement" and "Empress Pat" aligned?
(Jon Gearhart)

Still running -- deadline Monday, Aug. 25: Tell us a what-if scenario and its funny result. See wapo.st/invite1497.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:(Sarah Walsh)
Examples:(Sarah Walsh)
Title:(Steve Smith)
Subhead:(Jeff Rackow; Jesse Frankovich)
Prize:(Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1497: The if-word
Give us a funny 'what if' scenario and result. Plus winning 'feghoots' -- groaner-pun stories.

By Pat Myers

July 14, 2022 at 9:49 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to the winning mini-stories ending in puns

What if M.C. Escher had designed the entrance to the Philadelphia Museum of Art? Rocky would still be climbing those steps. (Jesse Frankovich, 2018)

What if there were an alternate universe where your cat did not follow you to the bathroom? You'd just sit there and talk to yourself, I guess. (Robyn Carlson, 2018)

What if the 1972 Democratic Party headquarters had been in the Mayflower Hotel? Journalists would add "flower" to the end of any scandal: Iranflower, Whitewaterflower, Monicaflower, Flowersflower ... (Jerry Pannullo, 1998)

We last did this contest four years ago, but it's not as if we exhausted the pool of All the Situations and Events in the Whole World Ever. This week: Give us a "what if" scenario and its humorous result, as in the examples above from similar previous contests. Your entry doesn't necessarily have to begin with "what if," if you have a funnier way to structure it. You know the Empress -- it's all about the funny.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1497 (no capitals in the web address). Deadline is Monday night, July 25; results appear Aug. 14 in print, Aug. 11 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an eensy blue triangle of fabric -- smaller than the Empress's mini-size hand -- that you'd think was a face mask, perhaps for a child, but is actually a Brave Person brand men's thong swimsuit. We usually ask winners of garments -- funny hats, socks, etc. -- to send photos of themselves wearing them. This time we forbid it. Donated by Not So Brave Steve Smith. (Thank you, Amazon algorithm, which informed me: "Based on purchases by customers who wear your size, Large will fit you best.") (Amazon founder Jeff Bezos owns The Washington Post.)

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Pun(ch)lines" is by Tom Witte; Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, July 14, at wapo.st/conv1497.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Pun(ch)lines: Winning 'feghoot' tales from Week 1493

In Week 1493 we asked for feghoots -- absurdly contrived mini-stories that end in a wordplay on some phrase. The Empress puzzled through more than a thousand entries, and more than a few alleged punchlines left her brow so furrowed that her tiara tilted. Want to guess at some that didn't get ink? See this week's Style Conversational (published late Thursday, July 14).

4th place:

The famed Hollywood costume designer Edith Head suffered from a severe phobia of frogs. When she was assigned to a film starring Liam Neeson, little did she know that he'd bring his collection of pet amphibians to costume fittings, letting them jump around his dressing room. The headline in Variety: "Head Shudders: 'Neeson's Toads! Neeson's Toads!' " (Fran Ludman, Baltimore)

3rd place:

My roommate Erica keeps borrowing my stuff without permission. Last week she took one of my combs, not realizing I had just used it to dye my hair purple. I'll admit I laughed a little to see purple streaks show up in her hair -- and if she doesn't learn her lesson, I may comb Erica grape a gain. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.)

2nd place

and the What's That Smell? party game:

Many people know Harry Belafonte as a staunch Democrat, but few know of his deep grounding in Chicago-style politics. For decades, through the many mayoral administrations of father and son, he would celebrate each election night by standing outside Republican headquarters and singing his famous refrain: "Daley come and we won. Go home!" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Rex was a very stupid dog, except for one thing: he could play the kazoo. His owners exploited him shamelessly with several performances a day, but Rex just wagged his tail and kept tooting. Finally, the SPCA filed a complaint against his owners: "The heels star a live witless hound of music." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Beaten to the punchline:

Honorable mentions

As The Post's aquatic-fashion critic, I have long bemoaned the lack of originality in men's swimwear, and the trunks from the latest shows were so banal I wanted to scream. Alerting my editor about the review I was about to write, I texted: "Damn the four Speedos! (full screed ahead)" (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

BoJo held on for the longest time at 10 Downing St., but even his biggest Conservative Party supporters finally agreed to stop heeding a dead Boris. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Many credit taxonomist Carl Linnaeus for biology's binomial nomenclature, but few mention the Bauhin brothers, Gaspard and Johann. Without their work nearly two centuries earlier, Linnaeus would have been forced to develop his own governing system for naming species. One could say it was the very model of the modern major genera. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

At a glitzy early 1980s Hollywood gathering, the hosts planned to announce the names of all the attendees, but couldn't decide on the order. When one suggested that Mark Hamill should precede Yul Brynner, another was horrified: "Luke before Yul? Eep!" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

President Clinton hit on another intern, but this one set certain limits: Clothes, but no cigar. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.)

A young father was changing his son's diaper when suddenly the baby let forth a fountain of pee that arched high in the air and landed on the seat of the rocking chair. The father just smiled at him and said, "That's okay, little guy -- after all, life is just a bowl of chair wees." (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Now that they're in their own new house, Barack and Michelle can finally decorate to their own tastes: Sweet home, all Obama. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington)

To serve a summons on the ex-president, Merrick Garland sent agents to Fifth Avenue, Bedminster and Mar-a-Lago, vowing, "I'll subpoena you in all the old familial places." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Scientists have long known that talking kindly or cruelly to plants can affect their growth. In fact, speaking too harshly to a potato can make it shrivel and die -- yes, it's possible to kill tubers with one's tone. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)

A priest was seriously overburdened in his busy parish, as he had no other clergymen to assist him. So he began to delegate tasks to his congregation. As he often said: "When life gives you laymen, make laymen aid." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The Trump Organization tried launching a worldwide tour for "The Big Interregnum of the Once and Future Prez," featuring both Beatles music and MAGA conspiracies. But no part of the world agreed to this nonsense. As a relieved Paul McCartney said: "Isn't it good no region would?" (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

My friend has had to replace both her knees. But the world of electronic wonders has invaded the orthopedics field: Each of her implanted joints has a sensor that tells her when she should get off her feet and go to bed. Yes: The knees that say "night"! (Ted Remington, Marion, N.C.)

Guido the Brooklyn Pirate buried his pearl-filled chest in a grotto. To frighten off treasure hunters. he summoned a spirit named Victor from the deep, and commanded it to haunt the cave. As the apparition dematerialized, Guido bid it farewell: "Toodle, Victah, ghost da poils!" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Back in the 1970s, African tyrant Idi Amin learned that the United States was about to supply Israel with advanced missiles. Amin contacted Henry Kissinger, asking that similar weaponry be supplied to his country as well. When Kissinger responded that Israel was a staunch strategic ally and Amin was not, Amin insisted, "What's good for the Jews is good for Uganda." (Michael Rosen, New York)

In a scene cut from "Casablanca," Rick and Ilsa discover some birds that German officers have trained to overhear and recite back secret conversations between Resistance members. The two former lovers must neutralize these avian eavesdroppers, but they can't decide whether to use a dagger, a hatchet or a machete. Finally they determine that the specific method doesn't really matter. As Rick says to Ilsa, "Well, all ways halve parrots." (Karen Lambert)

A sea lion wandered into a new pickling plant in La Jolla being dedicated by California's senior senator. Flopping along, he clumsily nudged her over a railing and into a vat of brine. Charged with assaulting a member of Congress, he protested that she wasn't in the vat long enough to suffer harm. To which the DA replied, "You pickled Feinstein, believe me, loose seal." (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)

The Bengals needed only to stop the Rams one more time to win the Super Bowl. But with just seconds left on the board, the Rams overwhelmed Cincinnati's defense to take the lead and the Lombardi Trophy. A disgruntled Bengals fan cried out: "At long last, have you no D, Cincy?" (Mark Raffman)

A man spent his last savings to go see the legendary singing fish of a remote Alaskan river. Every day he rose at dawn, hiked to the river and waited for the famed Chinook -- eight hours. Nothing. His last morning, the pilot returned to take him back to civilization. He told his story, heartbroken. The pilot sighed. "Nobody told you? Salmon chant at evening!" (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

After rocketing to fame with "Jesus Christ Superstar," lyricist Tim Rice hired a Cuban valet who always smoked a cigar. Tim had never even tried tobacco, but he found the aroma intriguing, even tempting. Noticing this, the servant lit one of his Havanas and offered it to his boss, saying, "Smoke it, Senor Rice." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Yesterday I bowled two perfect games and a 200. Then I was off to the local racetrack where I drove my DeLorean five laps at 88 mph before remembering: no lightning, no time travel. Back to the bowling alley, where I bowled two more perfect games. Then it was time for me to call balls and strikes at the Nats game. Summary of my day: 800, five 88s, two 300s, Umpire! (Gary Crockett)

Cajun chef Armand Boudreaux made food so good that people overlooked his odd ideas about light's effect on certain ingredients. Once, a new assistant complained, "Can we make it brighter in here? I can't even tell what I'm chopping." "Mais non!" replied Armand, holding up a few pods to the dimmed lightbulb. "Dem okra, see? Dice in darkness!" (Coleman Glenn)

And Last: My late father won an old Style Invitational groaner contest, and he was so proud that he framed that page of The Post and displayed it in the family room. After he passed away, I decided he'd have liked it if I burned the column and added its ashes to his: A pun he saved is a pun I urned. (Gary Crockett)

Still running -- deadline Monday night, July 18: Our contest to say why two items on our wacky list are similar or different. See wapo.st/invite1496.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:()
Examples:(Jesse Frankovich; Robyn Carlson; Jerry Pannullo)
Title:(Tom Witte)
Subhead:(Chris Doyle; Kevin Dopart)
Prize:(Steve Smith)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1496: Same Difference
Tell us how any two items on our weird list are similar or different. Plus results of our conservative-humor contest.

By Pat Myers

July 7, 2022 at 10:02 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to the results of our conservative-humor contest.

The difference between being back at the office and the recurring exam dream: At the office, it's way easier to get back to sleep.

A flushable wipe is like the LIV golf tour: Hold your nose all you want, but you can't get rid of the residue and stench.

The recurring exam dream Borscht A terrible SNL sketch Cat hair A magnetometer 8 percent inflation A flushable wipe A romance novel Being back at the office Elon Musk Six Supreme Court Justices A hypersonic missile Old Bay A worn-out toothbrush A Style Invitational second-place prize A banned book A period-tracking app The LIV golf tour

The Style Invitational is, of course, beyond compare, but we're confident that the items above are not. It's one of our most enduring contests: Tell us humorously how any two (or more) items on the list above are alike or different, as in the examples above; the items were chosen willy-nilly from among hundreds of suggestions that Empress sought from the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1496 (no capitals in the web address). There's no special formatting this week except the usual request not to break up any individual entry with a line break (i.e., don't push Enter within a single entry). This way I can shuffle all the entries and not know how many I'm choosing from any one person. Deadline is Monday, July 18; results appear Aug. 7 in print, Aug. 4 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a brand-new set of 20 assorted Face Coasters, which are nice absorbent squares that each have (a) a photo of someone else's mouth in one expression or other; and (b) a cut-out spot so you can hang it from your nose, over your personal yap. Donated by Loser Steve Smith.

Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Do Wit Right" is by Chris Doyle; Chris and Jon Gearhart both submitted e the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, July 7, at wapo.st/conv1496.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Do wit right: Conservative humor from Week 1492

In Week 1492, in response to a skeptical reader's challenge, the Empress asked for conservative-leaning humor -- the first time we've run such a contest since 2004. Regular readers of The Style Invitational know that Invite political humor tends to jab firmly with the left, although since the change of administration in 2017, we've * nah, the Loser Community still has it in for the GOP every single week.

So could they turn the tables? By "conservative," the E didn't mean racist, hateful, truth-denying or stupid (though she did get such "jokes" among the 700-plus entries; sample of one with a demonstrably false premise: "What do you call two members of the Squad? Half a brain"). Instead, the following Q&A and knock-knock jokes aren't any cheaper shots than the ones we regularly zing from the other side.

4th place:

Q. What is the main problem with the Democrat Party? A. Its left hand doesn't know what its far-left hand is doing. (Steve Honley, Washington)

3rd place:

Q. What's the difference between Trump and Biden? A. Joe's managing to bring us together -- soon nobody will approve of how he's doing. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

2nd place

and the boxing-Trump pen:

Q. What do Democrats call a bunch of losers? A. "Persons temporarily experiencing defeat." (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Q. How do you spot a liberal wearing cowboy boots? A. He's holding a trick-or-treat bag. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Lefty losey: Honorable mentions

How does a liberal clean his gun? He empties out the water. (Leif Picoult)

How can you tell a liberal customer at Starbucks? They ask for a cappuccinx. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

How do you know when your school's PTA is too liberal? There are signs to "Defund Crossing Guards." (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.)

How is Sen. Cory Booker like an Upton's Finest? They're both vegan hotdogs. (Frank Osen)

How does a liberal prove she's not a racist? By calling someone else a racist. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Knock, knock. Who's there? Martin Luther King. Martin Luther King who? You don't know who Martin Luther King is? You're canceled! (Frank Mann, Washington)

What's the difference between a conservative and a liberal? A conservative says "NASCAR!" A liberal says "Nasty cars!" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Why do liberals love toothy British smiles? Nobody expects them to be straight and white. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Why shouldn't you label leftists "fragile"? Because it may trigger them. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Why were the liberal's shoes too tight? He was trying to reduce his carbon footprint. (Karen Lambert)

How do Dianne Feinstein and Patrick Leahy try to persuade their Senate colleagues? "As a participant in the original Constitutional Convention, I can assure you *" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

What would you call Sen. Dianne Feinstein going out with Sen. Bernie Sanders? Robbing the cradle. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.)

What's the difference between Biden and Trump? Trump knows better than to ride a bicycle. (Frank Osen)

What's the only branch of the military a leftist would want to join? The U.S. Safe-Space Force. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Did you hear Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer's idea for turning out the youth vote? They'll send everyone voice-mail messages encouraging kids to mail in letters while they listen to the radio and wait for Joe Biden's whistle-stop train tour. (Duncan Stevens)

A. Biden. Q. Who is the only Hunter the left doesn't go after? (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.)

How do you know the California '49er miners were liberals? They used the proper pronouns referring to "gold in them/their hills." (Bill Cromwell, Keswick, Va.)

How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't we need a permit for that? (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

What one-piece garments do liberal dancers wear at rehearsal? Leo-special-needs. (Kevin Dopart)

What's the difference between conservatives and liberals? Conservatives want to eliminate taxes; liberals want to eliminate Texas. (Karen Lambert)

Where do nouveau-riche liberals live? In McPersonsions. (Kevin Dopart)

How can you tell someone from Texas is a liberal? Because they're from Texas. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.)

Why did the liberal refuse to go to the Amnesty International gala? She didn't want to be seen carrying the same New Yorker tote bag as someone else. (Karen Lambert)

What did the liberal restaurant owner do when his dishwasher was busted? Hired an immigration lawyer. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

What do you call a liberal at a gun range? A reporter. (Chris Doyle)

What's the difference between a gallstone and a Biden initiative? A gallstone's journey is also excruciatingly painful, but it eventually passes. (Frank Osen)

What's the difference between Republicans and the Washington Commanders? D.C. only has about 50 of each, but at least the Republicans work toward a strong defense. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

How liberal is he? He's so liberal he got a notarized consent form before he played with himself. (Bird Waring)

Q. Hey, longtime Washington Post reader, did you hear the one about Hunter Biden's laptop? A. Who's Hunter Biden? (Tom Witte)

And Last: What's the price of a liberal's soul? A refrigerator magnet, apparently. (Marty Gold, Arlington, VA.)

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:()
Examples:()
Title:(Chris Doyle)
Subhead:(Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart)
Prize:(Steve Smith)
VisibleInk!

Style Invitational Week 1495: We all need a break
No new contest this week -- our first skip in three years -- but lots of winning neologisms from Week 1491

By Pat Myers

June 30, 2022 at 9:57 a.m. EDT

Click here to skip down to the winning neologisms from Week 1491

It's been a heck of a week, hard upon many previous hecks-of-weeks. So relax, cue the fireworks, and enjoy this week's inking add-a-letter neologisms: There's no new contest this week -- our first skipped contest since August 2019 -- so that the Empress can take a week off four weeks from now, when the results would have run. (But it's not even a vacation from Loserdom: She and the Royal Consort will be joining a dozen or so Style Invitational types on a trip to Niagara Falls in Ontario; Longtime Loser Kyle Hendrickson has arranged a number of "Loserfest" trips over the years. and this is the first post-pandemic one.) So in the last week of July, the Invite will feature lots of fresh ink from recent contests.

The headline "Deftinitions" for this week's results is by Jon Gearhart; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's online column this week (published late Thursday, June 30) discusses this week's results -- what worked and what didn't. See it at wapo.st/conv1495.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...

Deftinitions: Add-a-letter neologisms from Week 1491

In the neologism contest of Week 1491, the Empress asked the Loser Community to choose any word, name or phrase beginning A through E, then add a letter -- or the same letter more than once -- and define the result.

4th place:

Chompulsion: The deep urge one has to fight while the dentist is jabbing you in the mouth. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)

3rd place:

Adulltery: Sneaking away to have extramarital sex and compare Spelling Bee lists. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

2nd place

and the alligator hand back scratcher:

Bad Moron Rising: "I see the bad moron risin'/ I see trouble on the way/ I see democracy a-dyin'/ If he comes back again someday." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Choward: Someone afraid to try new food. Not to be confused with a chowhard, one who eats anything. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

Nearly risers: Honorable mentions

Carcophony: "Are we there yet?" "It's my turn to sit up front!" "Are we there yet?" "I need to use the bathroom! "She pushed me!" "Are we there yet?" "Did not, he pushed me first!" "Are we there yet?" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Gastonishment: What I feel every time I fill my tank these days. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Endunciate: To express one's ignorance via pronunciation, e.g., "Gazpacho police," "peach tree dish." (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Adiprose tissue: Verbiage. Hemingway's writing didn't show an ounce of adiprose. (John Bradley, St. Louis, a First Offender)

Abhortionist: One who uses personal biases to orchestrate a miscarriage of justice. (Byron Miller, Cobble Hill, B.C.)

Abiden: Waiting patiently for the other party to come to the table in good faith. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.)

Bowel America: Full-service proctology clinic. "Our colonoscopies are right up your alley!" (Kevin Tingley, Vienna, Va.)

Children of the Corny: Kids who suffer through dad jokes. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Enfoold: To surround oneself with "all the best people." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Acrimoney: Many a divorce settlement. (Karen Golden, Prince Frederick, Md.)

Adrian Monkee: In "The Case of the Believer," Adrian joins the madcap band with his clarinet as he tries to decipher the rock and the roll. (Joanne Free)

Afictionado: A hardcore QAnon supporter. (Lee Graham)

Ain'tarctic: The South Pole, before too long. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.)

Amazone: An online shopper's state of euphoria. "Sorry for buying all that Wizards stuff, dear -- I was in the Amazone." (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Bald, Bald Leroy Brown: Does NOT compare with ol' King Kong in the hair department. (Jesse Frankovich)

Apooplectic: So angry you lose your * temper. (Frank Mann, Washington)

Axel murderer: A particularly inept figure skater. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)

Aromageddon: Cataclysmic event that occurs when you enter your teenager's room. (Duncan Stevens)

Borisk: "Let's have a party right here in 10 Downing Street! Just don't say anything!" (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.)

Brodacious: Marvelously reckless, at least to one's admirers: "We dangled Pete by his legs outside a 10-story window! It was brodacious!" (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Bullshift: Tucker Carlson's 7-to-8 p.m. slot on Fox News. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Barftender: Your new job title if you don't cut off patrons who've had too much. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Bassault: "The car's stereo was so loud, the thudding was a bassault on all ears within a block." (Pam Shermeyer)

Bawdminton: The shuttlecock has a different function in this party version. (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Beneviolent: Disruptive for a good cause. "His beneviolent sneezing fit provided a solid reason for leaving the HR meeting." (Pam Shermeyer)

Biggots: People who discriminate against tall and large folks; they mostly gravitate to the airline industry, but some work in clothing retail. (Duncan Stevens)

Blaseball: Nine innings, four hours, 79 crotch scratches. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines; Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Board of Selections: The GOP's plan for who decides the 2024 presidential winner." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Carfe: When there's no time for dinner between work and Back to School Night, it's one more meal in the Toyota Carfe. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Chainslaw massacre: A rash of food poisonings from tainted supermarket salads. (Tom Quinn, Herndon, Va., a First Offender)

Chat on a Hot Tin Roof: "OMG, this tin roof is hot!" "LOL, I know, right?" (Jesse Frankovich)

Corvid-19: Five birds short of a pie. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Crapacity: Ability to accept total nonsense. "The crapacity of QAnon members is immeasurable." (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.)

Customer > Cupstomper: An ill-mannered Starbucks patron who throws a tanty when mistakenly served a latte instead of a mocha. (Karen Lambert)

Dearthquake: A violent shudder after seeing your low bank balance. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

Deshpotic: What Daffy Duck will be if we don't stop his inordinate lust for power. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Diet Hard: In this sequel, Detective McClane decides to change his lifestyle after getting stuck in an air vent. (Jesse Frankovich)

Diss-member: "Did you just get out of a cold pool or something? Really? That's it?" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Econ artist: "Absolutely, these tax cuts will pay for themselves!" (Neil Kurland)

Embrattled: Describing a parent who takes the two preschoolers to the grocery store. "Ethan, put all those cans back! Molly, what did I just tell you about screaming?" (Pam Shermeyer)

Exaggerbate: Overstate one's need for sex. "But if I can't, I'll turn blue *" (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.)

Haffable: Friendly, to a point. (Sarah Walsh)

He-mancipation: The return of the effete, emasculated American male to his red-meat-eating, gun-packing, butt-pinching birthright. (Jonathan Jensen)

Jellopardy: The risk in having a brand closely associated with Bill Cosby. (Kevin Dopart, on vacation in Naxos, Greece)

Karmadillo: Someone whose fate is to never quite make it across the road. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Laudacious: Outrageously overhyped. "Isn't 'This generation's Olivier' a little laudacious for Taylor Lautner?" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Malice's Restaurant: They won't let you have a single thing you want. (Ann Martin)

Nevergreen: A landscape shrub that's always a lovely shade of burnt match. (Lawrence McGuire)

Tautopsy: It lists the cause of death as "heart stopped beating." (Frank Osen)

Texorcist: When your state is possessed by Cruz and Abbott, who you gonna call? (Frank Mann)

The Blight Brigade: NIH's 600-doctor pandemic team. (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.)

Capital None: A bank that'll put nothing in your pocket. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Cheeriots: Favorite breakfast of the Oat Keepers. (Jonathan Jensen)

BasketbaLOL: What the Wizards play. (Mark Raffman)

Fartifact: Unpleasant, invisible evidence of a rude event, especially in an elevator. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

And Last: Agonym: That short Style Invitational entry that's a sure winner if you can just get the wording right, though maybe, if you change the -- no, that'd be too abstruse, it needs to be more obvious, but -- hey, how about -- no, you already tried that, so * (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill., whose 49 blots of ink date back to 2002)

MEANWHILE *

Since there's no fine-print blahblah this week with the new contest, we have room for a fine parody from our contest for current-events songs. See the rest at wapo.st/invite1494.

To "If I Only Had a Brain," as sung by Vladimir Putin

I'll erase each Euro border To make a new world order, Where I alone will reign. Then the troops I'm stackin' inland Will begin attackin' Finland Once I subjugate Ukraine. First I need to show Zelensky That there's no common-senseky To savin' his domain. I'll be leavin' him a mess o' New cadavers in Odessa All resistance is in vain! Oh, I have nukes galore, So many than before. I could wage a war like never waged before, But here's a fear I can't ignore: Russian poets might be pennin' More odes to me than Lenin While the obit scribes explain: "Putin should've been suspicious Drinking black tea that delicious, But he didn't have a brain!" (Chris Doyle)

Still running -- deadline Tuesday night, July 5: Our contest for funny poems using words from this years National Spelling Bee. See wapo.st/invite1494.

DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:()
Examples:()
Title:(Jon Gearhart)
Subhead:(Kevin Dopart)
Prize:()
VisibleInk!