proudly resents ...

 

The Week in Loserdom:

Today is the NRARS high holy Day of the Flushie. Losers will converge on Rockville for the grandest of brunches. Look for a special after-action report next week. This week also marks the end of the first quarter of year 2001. Look in the Score Losers section for a special first quarter summary.

Results of Week LVIII^* (Giving Great Subheads)

Summary: Another fine week, of fine efforts, and fine results. More than thirty Losers saw ink, and nearly half of those score multiple points. TWW was particularly pleased to see that Gaymon's winning entry was one of the three TWW editorial junta had singled out as the best of those on Losernet.

F2.1 (The AC's Comments): Perhaps because The Auxiliary Czar actually has to write headlines for a living, but probably just because the quality of entries was so high and varied, this week's contest was the most fun to judge so far --until it came to whittling down a list of fully 99 worthies to the 42 that could fit on the page.

In addition to the themes mentioned in the column, there were plenty of colorful interpretations of "Capitals Break Away," featuring the destruction or other unhinging of everything from Juneau to Ouagadougou, as well as "Gar-Field Ends 21-Year Drought" (Finally Drinks Milk; Falls Off Wagon; Finally Is Funny; etc.), "Teachers Hold On to Their Night Jobs" ("Educators Stand Fast Despite Police Crackdown on Prostitution" et al.) and "A Naval Career's Unexpected Turn" (Britney Wants an Outie; Columbus Hits Strange Continent; "Three-Hour Tour" Goes Awry). Happy Flushing to all.

The Siberian Express: Booked on the Amtrak Amnesia this week is a prominent trio. In order of appearance, Hart takes a ride for Paid Death = Mob Hits; Kammer is on board for the $99 Bridal Sale, and Smith hops on for the river turning Magothy. Theese were at least as good as a couple of the runners-up.

Score Losers: With 2001 now one-forth over it's time to take stock. No one is on a pace to break 100 this year. Most notably, Hart is on track to end with "only" 76 which, while good, is 45 points off her 2000 total. Several regular Losers broke long dry spells this week. Kocak and Fahey each managed first ink of the year, but the big news was Zarrow's five singles to break a nine week dry spell. He is now tied for tenth place for the year (at 9) with "Ervin Stembol" who scored three points, including the pen, with entries that are certainly worthy of a Czar. Also of note, Kammer hit for three points, moving him from a tie for 74th all the way up to a tie for 28th. Several prominent Losers remain on the MIA list however. The absences of Genser and Broadus appear to be self-inflicted, but F2 has also missed Frankenfeld, Carnahan, and Bredeck since before the Aux-Czar started her reign-in-abstentia.

I'll Scroll Down if I Want to: After TWW's terrible luck at guessing what would be printed two weeks ago, we decided to make it a bit easier this time. TWW arranged to learn how it did in the contest without know which entries saw ink. Thus, TWW knew it had the contest suggestion and two HMs, but had no idea which ones they were. After studying the candidate entries, TWW made its guesses and can report the following: The contest idea selected by the Uberczar was a total surprise (more below) as was the Lake Braddock HM. TWW did, however, correctly predict the Orangewomen gag would see ink. This leaves your humbled editor at 1 for 3 for the week.

Help TWW: Here's your chance to embarrass yourself by demonstrating your own vast inability to guess which of your entries get printed. If you average at least one hit every few weeks, and think you have a good shot for Week LXIII ink, contact TWW at TheWeakWeek@aol.com. We'll select one victim to play a degrading game of "Outguess the AuxCzar."

Week LXII (Devilishly Clever):

Special Disclaimer: This week's contest would appear to test TWW's objectivity. Fortunately, no conflict exists. While TWW editorial Junta did submit this idea, it didn't really mean to. The idea was written as part of an elaborate undercover journalistic investigative sting (which completely collapsed due to an excessive number of adjectives). The sting was originally intended to blow the lid off something having to do with the Czar's absence, but we don't really remember exactly what the point was. Basically, TWW planned to start sending in material under false names, leaving subtle clues that they might, in fact, be from the Czar in hiding. Unfortunately, TWW got distracted by actual employment-related work and ended up submitting it under our own name by mistake.

The Weak Week Prediction: This is a contest with good potential, but lacking in originality (which, if we recall, was part of the master plan). The regulars will go to town, new comers will find it harder.

The Weak Week Word to the Wise (WWWW) : The key will be thinking up good people to put in hell. The standard characters (Bobbits, Clintons, your occasional Quayle) will get over worked. You can also expect the Czar, the Uncle, and the Uber to be common subjects. This week's WWWW is to try paths less traveled.

Russ to Judgment: On a one-seventeen scale, sixteen being best, Week LXII gets a:

Call it a twelve for content, minus four for lack of originality.

How Cool the Drool: On a one-five scale (where five is a stuffed mongoose) this week's bottle of scent gets a:

See below.

The Weak Week Wonders: Why has the Post gotten so cheap? Are color Staakes just too expensive? Did the Czar get a raise? Does the Uncle demand a share? Whatever the reason, our always Spartan contest has become absolutely niggardly this year. How bad is it? Consider: In 2001 they have not given out more than three runner-up shirts for any contest and the average is less than two. They have stopped sending bumper stickers to the regulars, and the last time anyone got a Loser pen it had a quill. More troubling are the winners' prizes. Today's gem was valued at $3.95. The best prize for the year has probably been the deer that pooped jelly beans, but most of the rest have been dumpster material. Send them a message: "We want Velvis!"

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