proudly resents ...

 

The Week in Loserdom:

The Czar spoke to us. He even answered us. Yes, on Monday of this week the Czar took our questions. It appears, in fact, that sixty percent to seventy percent of the questions he answered on-line came from the regular Losers. The other big Loser news was fallout from the Aux/Uber allowing some slack in the magnet contest rules and the Great Weakest Link Debate. Oh, and this just in, it looks as if the Uncle has quit! (TWW reporters have already begun to dig into this developing story.)

Results of Week LXVI (Take This Flick and Chic It)^*

Summary:

The Czar is back. Just look at this week's Loser efforts. Czarish all. There were some really good bits in the movie descriptions, but fewer than we expected. Paul's "Das Boot" was the most clever, but all the printed ones had merit.

F2.1A (The Auxiliary Czar's Parting Comments):
My term as Aux Czar was much more fun than I ever could have imagined. Aside from my astonishment over how just so funny so many of you can be so often, the best part of it was getting to know, electronically and however briefly, the people whose names and great stuff I'd been familiar with ever since Week 1. You're the greatest -- please keep on entering!

F2.1B (Exclusive from the Czar):
Here is a mystery. I submitted under the following names: Geoff and Lindsay Shafer of Stahlstown, Pa. ; Cathy Fischman and Nivedita Ghosh of Morris Plains, N.J.; Philip Winnick of Bethesda; Christina Mach of Kirkland, Washington; Tonya Miles of Silver Spring AND ONE MORE IDENTITY. This last identity was a loser who permitted me to use his or her name. None of the several entries submitted under that person's name got published. Ergo, I will never have to reveal who it is. ever. Nor will I. Ever. Nor will that person. Ever. Hahahahahaha. A mystery forever.

The Siberian Express:

This week's "The Judge Must Have Been on Crack" award goes to Grinath and Romm for their shared credit "Deep Throat" entry. Even with two Losers' names on it, it should have had a shirt.

Score Losers:

Hart's extends her ink streak to nine weeks, while Doyle's is snapped at seven. Genz breaks a four week dry spell. Grove, Grinath, and Alter all have multiple point showings after being relatively quiet recently. Hull's three points move her into sixteenth for the year. Finally, Romm hits for four points, but sees his prospects dim as the two-point green shirt appears gone forever.

Week LXX (Cry Uncle):

The Weak Week Prediction:

Not since Grace Fuller's disappearance have the Losers had to speculate on such matters. This should be a contest for the regulars, with very few entries printed. Off the top, we'll guess that there are not a lot themes to be developed here.

The Weak Week Word to the Wise (WWWW):

Make your entry sound like a news article; we'll bet the Czar will be strict about that. It does not, however, have to be an obituary. He'll get a lot of entries listing funny ways the Uncle died, but only a couple will get ink. Go outside the box this week.

Russ to Judgment

On a one-seventeen scale, sixteen being best, Week LXX gets a:

A rather inside contest we, frankly, don't expect to warm to.

How Cool the Drool

On a one-five scale (where five is a stuffed mongoose) this week's five Uncle shirts get a:

It would be, just, so great, if Romm won.

Czar of the Style Invitational, Just Another Loser:

Here, for the first time anywhere, are the collected works from the first two weeks of the Czar's sojourn on the dark side.

For week LVII: (What's missing from the photo of the Fords)

1) Well, you show poor Betty all bent over, but you don't show why. You forgot to draw in the monkey on her back.

2) The only thing that is missing is Robin Givens' meowings about Mr. Ford's trousers, which she says resembles the table cloth in an Italian-American restaurant in Teaneck N.J..

3) Why this is art: I can do this without resorting to gutter humor. This is an objet d'art because it presents an evocative tableau in classically minimalist fashion, with the playful use of negative space, or "voids," to imply the existence of absent items. Clearly the woman is seated on a "stool." And the man is manipulating some sort of "tool." This is a "penetrating" work.

4) Here is an explanation of the picture: Betty asked for a shot of gin. Gerald misheard and went into the snap count for a "shotgun." Betty, always the dutiful wife, obeyed.

For Week LVIII: (Provide an amusing subhead line for a real headline in the Post)

1)This is from ad for National TV Bargains:

Headline: You'll never Buy Another Pen For The Rest Of Your Life!

Alternative Subhead line: -- With the Amazing Bamco Exploding-Pen Hand Amputator!

2) Headline: Snow May Snarl Monday Commute

Alternative subhead line: Herd of cellphone-using drivers may be thinned out!

3) Real headline: Thai Prime Minister's Plane Explodes and Burns

Alternative subhead line: But great new Larb Gai recipe is birthed from blackened galley fare.

4) Real headline -- Taliban: Most Statues Destroyed

Alternative subhead line -- Crackerjack-type prizes found inside!

Alternative subhead line -- Falling Buddha heads crush berobed, wild-eyed zealots.

5) A New Way to Lose Weight: Eat What Satisfies You. -- Sarah, Duchess of York

Alternative Subhead: Tasteless Subhead Withheld By Reader; In Gratitude, Style Invitational Prints Otherwise Unfunny Entry.

6) Real headline: Teachers Hold Onto Their Night Jobs

Alternative: Too Tired to Adequately Molest Pupils, NAMBLA Complains

7) Real headline: Airline Mechanics Vote to Authorize a Strike

Alternative subhead line: Fliers Rejoice; Crippling Blow Seen to Vacuum-Sealed Slimy Vienna Sausage Industry.

Gratuitous Commentary:

The Czar was scrupulous with his participation, skipping the weeks with contests he had selected. In his first two efforts the Czar drew two big goose eggs. Like any real Loser, he has some room to gripe. The "monkey on her back" entry was better than most that saw ink that week. His efforts at headlines the next week were surprisingly disappointing. The "cellphone-using drivers" was his best, but that particular headline drew a lot of good entries and the competition simply beat him out.

Next week we'll print more of the Czar's efforts, including at least one that got printed.

Read more Weak Weeks

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