proudly resents ...

 

The Week in Loserdom:

This week's big news is Chuck Smith's 500th career ink. It came on a routine Honorable Mention with no special recognition by The Czar. Also this week, TWW needs to make an important correction. In a recent edition, TWW incorrectly named the wrong person as the first Loser to get two "Next Week" credits. It turns out it was some other guy instead. TWW regrets the error.

Results of Week LXIX (What Difference Does it Make?)*:

Summary:

Finding the differences between things is an Invitational standard, so the results are no big surprise. Clever turns of phrase were richly rewarded.

F2.1 (Thus Spake the Czar):
The only news this week is the appearance of an Anna Hulkower, age 10. Her age does not appear with her excellent entry because the Czar is somewhat skeptical that this entry was produced by a 10-year-old, unaided.

Could be. Maybe not. We shall see what future entries come from Ms. Hulkower.

In a related matter, an upcoming Invitational will add a line to the fine print specifically prohibiting aliases. The only two exceptions are Paul Styrene, who was grandfathered in, and Katharine M. Butterfield, whose pseudonym was bestowed by the Czar himself; therefore, this identity can be neither questioned nor revoked, according to the principle of droit du seigneur.

The Siberian Express:

Catching the Loser Express this week is Mark Young, who had a great Bob Dole entry. Even if it didn't quite fit the rules, it should have shirted.

Score Losers:

We are getting close to the halfway mark for Style Year 2001. Looking at the top scorers for the year, TWW can report that seven of this year's top twenty are well ahead of their 2000 paces. Arnold, Caron, Genz, Hoven, both Sorensens, and Zarrow are all likely to have much better 2001s than they had 2000s. On the flip side, Doyle, Hart, Paul, Romm, Smith, Sullivan, and Witte (while still doing well enough to be in this year's top twenty) seem unlikely to match their 2000 performances. The remainder of the top twenty are either new to the contest or averaging about as many points as they did last year.

Week LXXIII (Bad Advice):

The Weak Week Prediction:

The dinner dance and the Democratic Senate will prove the most difficult of the bunch. For the others, The Czar will get bombarded with nearly identical entries on a few common themes.

The Weak Week Word to the Wise (WWWW) :

In honor of bad advice week, we have several suggestions: 1. Make your entries really long to crowd out other people's efforts. 2. Make them not too funny, so that The Czar has room to edit. 3. Send them about two weeks late, so that they are fresh in his mind when he does his final edit.

Russ to Judgment: On a one-seventeen scale, sixteen being best, Week LXXIII gets an:

This is a fine contest, but it could have used a few more situations than the six he gave us.

How Cool the Drool: On a one-five scale (where five is a stuffed mongoose) this week's terrier that farts gets a:

Our initial inclination was to give this a four, but we were convinced otherwise.

Coming Next Month:

On July 1: The Weak Week will have its first ever guest editor! In keeping with the tradition set by the Czar we will not reveal the identity of the Auxiliary Editorial Junta. We will, however, note that she is (as was the Auxiliary Czar) female, but (unlike the Auxiliary Czar) not Jewish.

Later in July:

TWW will begin its exciting game of Weakest Loser Survivor. In this highly original game (not inspired by any other games) TWW will divide all of Loserdom into six geographic teams. Each week, the weakest team will be eliminated until we are down to one team. At that exciting and original point the surviving team's members will begin to compete among themselves for the grand prize of one million dollars in cash.*

Czar of the Style Invitational, Just Another Loser:

This week we share the Czar's final two contests as a Loser.

Week LXIV, signs:
(1)Montgomery Chinese Christian Church - Gomer is Christ - First church of Jim Nabors...or the Church of Friends and Nabors.
(2) Oys R Us, Rockville -- specializing in ailments of the elderly Jewish population.
(3) IBM - delete the I. -- This company produces software to facilitate data dumps.
(4) Motorola Computer -- Moola Co, -- We're not sure what they make, but their stock is doing great!
(5) MICROSOT -- The only local brewery in America offering 12 percent beer in 40 ounce bottles!
(6) The sign for the "Hilton McLean," in McLean (duh) should read: HIT ON ME -- The hotel for the business executive who is REALLY looking to ease his tensions. (Or Washington Hilton Hotel and Towers could be "HIT ON HER," with the same explanation)
(7) STEINWAY PIANOS could become TIN PANS - A store for the musician on a slightly smaller budget.
(8) The Inn at Little Washington could become THE LITTLE SHIT -- Featuring only Gilbert Gottfried memorabilia...
(9) The Men's Wearhouse could become THE SWEARHOUSE -- Any comedy club, anywhere.

lxiii poems:
(1)Eat heavy, repeat. / Make instant pulchritude! / (Soft, like Play-Doh.)
(2) -Colon-Magic(brand sign) Sushi! / Eat sticky roll, instant sensation. / The answered prayer: Nestle(brand sign) ending!
(3)She make pudding. / He eat it and die./ Nightie, Fester! / Sinister monster! / Her alias: Instant infinity.
(4)Homer Bush Run, / Can Not Stop on Sack. / Baseless Ending. / Big Play Die. / He Weep.
(5)The big clowns on strike / Weep not: / An answered prayer. / Wizard-play ending!

Gratuitous Commentary:

Week XLIV (Changing Signs) saw nine entries by the Czar, suggesting he put some effort into that one. TWW thought both his IBM and Motorola entries had merit, but neither saw ink. The "Oys R Us" entry was another possible, but it was beaten out by Lloyd Duvall's much better Uncle's pick along the same lines. Week LXV (Refrigerator Magnets) saw a disappointing effort from the Czar. TWW found nothing on his list that could compete with the ones that made the paper.

The Czar did well overall, but he showed an unevenness, winning two of nine, but going inkless in most of the rest. Those of us who suffer through the results regularly understand this, but we suspect it was a harsh reality for him.

The Week Link: Talkin' About My Generation:

In the summer of 1994 the original contest was in its seventies, just as the restoration is now. No one could have known it at the time, but an amazing series of Invite regulars were getting their virgin ink. For five straight weeks one of the Old Style's top thirty Losers had a debut. John Kammer started it off, first appearing on Week 74 (in the results from Week 71), Greg Arnold debuted the next week, Russ Beland the week after that, and Jessica Mathews the next. Jean Sorensen completed the string with a first runner-up and an HM Yiddish curse (for Week 75's contest) printed on Week 78.

This string of successful newcomers in the seventies was an amazing exception to the pattern. Among the Old Style's top thirty, the sixties produced just Romm, the fifties no one, the forties just Gaymon, the thirties Zarrow and Chong, and the twenties just Carnahan. After the five-week burst in the seventies ended, it took another 61 weeks to introduce five more top thirty Losers.

* The grand prize will be awarded in a series of annual installments over a period of ten million years.

Read more Weak Weeks

*Denotes external link. You will be leaving www.gopherdrool.com. Don't be frightened, we'll be right here waiting when you come back. On second thought, be very, VERY frightened.

This site looks purdiest when viewed with browser versions released in the 21st century.