proudly resents ...

 

Loser News:

Gary Condit still not a suspect. Katharine Graham still dead. Cal Ripkin still retiring in a few months. Judging by the work of our fellow journalists, these are the only news worthy items out there.

Results of Week LXXIV (Not Swiftly Enough)^*

Summary:

The Czar printed a bunch of very funny entries. Unfortunately, the great majority didn't quite fit the contest. Of the 31 printed entries, only ten have the adverbs modifying adjectives. In three entries the adverbs actually modify verbs (declared, egged, and invented) even though the rules specifically prohibited this. Somewhat less egregious are one that modifies another adverb, one that modifies an infinitive, and 13 that modify participles. In addition, there are two cases where the play on words isn't the adverb at all and five cases where the adverb does not use the LY that makes an adverbial play on words a SwiftLY. These were all funny, but they stretched the contest some. When questioned about this, the Czar acknowledged a problem with only one of his selections "declared parsimoniously."

F2.1 (Thus Spake the Czar):
This week, an experienced, loyal, talented, successful, ethical loser -- a person whom we respect and admire -- committed a heinous act. This person submitted an entry that he or she had previously submitted to the New York Magazine contest, and which was published in said contest some many many months ago. We did not know that. It was a fine entry. We chose it as Second Runner Up.

Almost by accident, we discovered this felony in time to remove it from the winners. When we contacted the felon, he or she -- and we reiterate, this individual is a good person who has never to our knowledge committed a despicable act -- indicated that she or he was surprised that we would find his or her actions in any way reprehensible. There is no crime, maintained he or she, in plagiarizing oneself.

This is an interesting argument, but it is ultimately bankrupt. The offense is not theft, it is disrespect. The Style Invitational should not be a repository for old humor. We do not knowingly steal jokes from other sources, particularly a source (albeit a deceased one) that regarded us to be an interloping competitor. Had we published this entry we would have felt that an apology was in order to Ms. Mary Ann Madden, who does not like us very much anyway.

We think you understand. We trust you will comport yourself accordingly.

The Siberian Express:

The train this week is turned over to those few Losers who bumper stickered without breaking or bending the rules of the contest.

Score Losers:

Doyle gets his first win of the year (third of the PR era) and three other appearances to lead the week's scoring. Witte bumper stickers three times to take fourth place. Dudzik also manages three appearances and pulls himself into the year's top dozen. With 2001 more than half over Beland remains in first, on pace for 95 appearances for the year. Hart is six back, on pace for 84 appearances. Doyle is eight behind her, on a 70 appearance pace. Details of the ratings and a list of all Losers with three or more appearances in 2001 can be found on TWW's Official Stats Page.

Week LXXVIII (X's and Oaths):

The Weak Week Prediction:

TWW Editorial Junta submitted this contest idea several weeks back. In the spirit of candor we must point out that it is not the best idea we've sent in recently, but it somehow caught the judge's eye. Look for surprisingly few entries printed and lots of entries along a few common themes.

The Weak Week Word to the Wise (WWWW):

The challenge in this contest will be to find distinctive oaths and mottos to revise. The Boy Scout Pledge and The Pledge of Allegiance are out there, and ripe for reform, but everyone will be working on those. Some of the state mottos have potential, and many trade and professional associations have creeds that are easily found on the web. You might even work on the mission statements of government agencies or corporations.

Russ to Judgment

On a one-seventeen scale, sixteen being best, Week LXXVIII gets a:

We'll be pleasantly surprised if the results are better than amusing.

How Cool the Drool

On a one-five scale (where five is a stuffed mongoose) this week's Jesse Jackson mask gets a:

Seemingly real hair is cool and the lucky winner might just get this one in time for Halloween.

Weakest Loser Survivor Millionaire:

Columbia, Potomac, and Colombia were all blanked this week, making the elimination all the easier. Esquires, you are the weakest losers... g'bye.

The Hams scored the most points for the week, followed closely by the Beltwavers and Punishers. The Terrorist Cell had a poor week, scoring just three points and will probably need immunity next time to stay in the competition. With four teams left, the scores are:

Maryland Beltwavers: 50 points.

Virginia Hams: 44 points.

Arlington/Alexandria/DC Capitol Punishers: 23 points

Herndon/Reston Terrorist Cell: 12 points

= = = = =

Columbia/Potomac Esquires: Eliminated

World Global Trots: Eliminated

Read more Weak Weeks

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