proudly resents ...
- Loser News:
- The trivial Losers did a bit better this week and soared into the upper ranks of the continent's drunken trivia fans who have nothing better to do on a Tuesday night. The Losers also spent a lot energy thinking about light bulbs and VCRs, reading how not to get to Dave Zarrow's house, and debating whether camp followers wore army boots.
- Results of Week LXXVIII (Clumsy Oaths)*
- Summary:
- This one proved hard and the Losers clearly struggled to find material worthy of ink. A hint of frost appeared in Hades when the Czar announced he agreed with the TWW's conclusions. It won't happen again.
F2.1 (Thus Spake the Czar):
This was a moronic contest idea and whoever proposed it should be punished. The results were weak. We tend to rank degree of weakness thusly:4-5: Below average. Some excellent entries, some good ones, mostly fair to mediocre ones. There are more than enough to publish without embarrassing the contest or the post.
2-3: Well below average. No excellent entries. Some good ones. Some fair ones. Mostly mediocre. This category tests the Czar's character. Usually, The Czar's character gets a gentleman's C. Weak results are published.
1: The Czar elects to interview himself.
This week was a 3.
- The Siberian Express:
- The train chugs along the frozen tracks for Jean Sorensen. Her Visa gag almost got her where she wanted to be.
- Score Losers:
- Rankings for all those with three or more appearances in 2001 are out in cyber space somewhere or other. This week sees the return of Brian Broadus, who penned and bumpered twice in his 2001 debut. Sorensen's win-plus-three make her the eleventh Loser to reach fifty Restoration appearances and put her into a tie for fourth for the year. Genz and Dudzik also have multiples, with Ear Boy currently holding the best record for August. Einstein gets his fourth appearance in seven weeks to make him the most promising new meat of the summer.
Speaking of new meat, TWW wishes to welcome Tony Hope, Blair Richardson, Al Toner, and Rebecca Short to the Restoration rolls.
- Week LXXXII (Sentence Us to Death):
- The Weak Week Prediction:
- There are contests that are mostly fun for the contestants. There are contests that are mostly fun for the readers. This week, we suspect, is mostly fun for the judge. He'll get not too many entries and they will be wildly diverse, with little repetition. Look for Witte or Paul to have a good week.
- The Weak Week Word to the Wise (WWWW):
- Contests that involve scanning the entire paper always require a little strategy. TWW's preferred method for this contest is to read the paper with a pen, or yellow marker, in hand. We highlight promising sentences, usually with no particular joke in mind. Short, general statements tend to have the most potential. Once a section is marked up, we switch sides of the brain and go through it again, this time reading only the marked sentences and trying to come up with suitable questions.
- Russ to Judgment
- On a one-seventeen scale, sixteen being best, Week LXXXIIgets a:
- The few best entries will probably be sudden strokes of genius, but the HM space will be filled with the labor intensive churn of the usual regulars.
- How Cool the Drool
- On a one-five scale (where five is a stuffed mongoose) this week's ugly presidential plate gets a:
- The Czar likes bad presidential art more than we do.
- Weakest Loser Survivor Millionaire:
- The thirty eligible Beltwavers are down to just five. Among those to fall are Maryland's top restoration scorers: Witte and Paul. The current standings are:
Genz: 4
Dudzik: 2
Einstein, Grinath, Keech: 1
Next week we'll slim down to the top three finalists (give or take, depending on how tie scores go). One of them will win the million dollar cash annuity.
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