proudly resents ...

 

The Week in Loserdom:

Picking the best radio drive tune got moderate attention on LoserNet for much of the week. Questions to ask the Czar during his on-line chat dominated the Friday traffic. Our big news this week is the surprise interview with mystery man Ervin Stembol. Among other things, he reveals: "I was* the Czar. [S]ince * well*I announced that the Czar would take sabbatical* I thought about* entering. 'Ervin Stembol' sounds funny* it's a phony name* And if you were trying to come up with a funny made-up name*the Czar uses *Why not just go with 'John Doe' and be done with it? By the time this hits print *we will* know that 'Rod Ewing' was the Czar* too.

Results of LXV (Stuck on Poetry)^*

Summary:

Some people griped about the limited word selection, but it may have been a blessing as it kept the length of most entries down. If there is humor somewhere, the Losers will dig it out and this week was an impressive excavation. The printed entries were better than we'd expected.

F2.1 (The AC's Comments):
Well, the Czar is back and has wrested the reins away from me and the Uberczar, smirking cheerfully at having hoodwinked me with his variety of mostly women's names -- including two that ended up winning the top prize.

That rat.

What can I say, he was funny.

What really got me was that over the nine weeks he entered (he didn't enter the first four I judged), I'd actually written back to some of these "people," telling one, for instance, that I wasn't going to use a name produced from the mating of three horses. And I almost advised a couple of these "people" to stop begging shamelessly for ink, because that tactic was simply going to backfire when the Czar returned! The ink-beggars had particularly irritating personalities.

As for this week's refrigerator magnet Invitational -- my only contest idea out of the whole 13 weeks -- I declined to consider stuff like "If I say, 'Eat the big cucumber,' she can make it weep hot, sticky pudding," considering the current wave of layoffs at newspapers nationwide (also see "dignity," below). There were lots of haiku, a couple of rhyming poems, even a limerick. And Dave Zarrow, Herndon, had the cool idea of submitting "IS ON" with the direction to invert it so it'd read "NO SI" (to be an entry from the Post's ombudsman). Cucumbers aside, I'd like to acknowledge that not once during the entire 13 weeks did I receive an entry containing "colostomy bag," "armpit fart" or even "Joseph Romm's underpants." Thank you for respecting my dignity in this matter. The Czar has none of that, of course, so you may return to the usual juvenilia.

The Auxiliary Czar
Pat Myers, myersp@washpost.com

p.s. I wish to thank the Loser Leadership Council for the award of the singing toilet. It is the finest (all right, the only) trophy I have ever won in my life, since the Pulitzer committee has neglected to include the Prize for Distinction in Comma-Fixing.
--30--

The Siberian Express:

No train this week as the Aux/Uber did a good job sorting the material. Then end on a high note.

Score Losers:

With the Czar back in control it is time to consider which Losers gained from the Aux/Uber period and which Losers, well, lost. Comparing their hiatus performances to their earlier Restoration performances (got that?) we find a only a few Losers who benefited from the Czar's absence. Doing noticeably better in recent weeks are: Doyle, J. Sorensen, Zarrow, and Kepner.

On the flip side, several people were unusually quiet during the brake. Some of these Losers probably just didn't submit much for one reason or another, but some just didn't impress the new judges. Either way, falling way of their paces are: Smith, Witte, Genz, Caron, Romm, Sullivan, Hull, Grinnath, O'Byrne, Grove, Carnahan, and Pierce.

Also, TWW peeked in on Carnahan's career stats recently and noticed that several Losers were near significant milestones. We are happy to report the following achievements:

• 50 Appearances: Caron is five away, Strider and Kocak are each just one shy.
• 100 Appearances: Chong is nine away; Doyle passed it last week.
• 150 Appearances: Kammer is just one away.
• 200 Appearances: Jean Sorensen is eight shy.
• 400 Appearances: Beland is four away.
• 500 Appearances: Smith is just three away.
• Overall lead in career appearances: Hart trails Smith by eighteen!

Week LXIX (What Difference Does it Make):

The Weak Week Prediction:

This is the fourth (we think) time this contest has run and TWW editorial junta (which suggested it originally) has always liked it. The selection of items to find differences among is, however, not the best. Look for mostly forced efforts this time.

The Weak Week Word to the Wise (WWWW) :

Looking over the earlier versions of this contest, the key seems to be going for differences in attributes that are well enough known to joke about, but not the most obvious. Thus, you are more likely to see ink for, say, noting that Clinton has a brother with a substance abuse problem than you are for noting he had an affair.

Russ to Judgment: On a one-seventeen scale, sixteen being best, Week LXIX gets a:

A good contest structure, with a poor choice of material.

How Cool the Drool: On a one-five scale (where five is a stuffed mongoose) this week's bath oil and floor wash gets a:

What are we going to do with this stuff?

Read more Weak Weeks

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